To reach out.... or not.

[Epimanes]

Is it sad?... I have been having an urge to reach out to my ex wife of 25yrs? We been apart 2.5yrs now with no closure really. Not even divorced yet. No hurry really.... I'll let her pay for that when she's ready. I didn't want it so I'm not paying for it. We are amicable and civil.

But I am triggered constantly with ghosts of memories of us as a family... every where I go in Vancouver has some kind of triggered memory. Some good some not so good. My bus to work goes by the house we spent 21yrs in raising our kids.... every single restaurant in my area reminds me... every song of the genres I enjoyed I have listened to while we were together from 16 to 41 .... (I'm 43 now) ... move away right? .. not that easy. I have began listening to country now over last 2 yrs to get away from some of the song memory triggers. Son is attending his last few years of high-school with his buddies still in this area so can't leave either Andy extended family is here too...

Yeah she left me... yeah I have a new gf who treats me wayyy better..sex on tap, cooks, cleans, works as a care aid, full of gratitude..... she's great.

Its been weighing on me heavy for some reason to thank her for the good times we had and apologize for my part in the shyt that go us to where we are today since we nvr really spoke after the split... I know even tho she left me for some rich dude she met ...takes two to tango so I know its not all her but an accumulation of shyt..

Ugh.... not sure why this feels so heavy today.

Wtf is wrong with me .... lol... I'm happy with where I am at and my new gf of almost 1yr.

lol I have a text sitting with my thanks and my sorry along with a couple of songs that articulate some things I can't seem to put into words.

I am not sure what I'm looking for by posting this.... sorry if it sounds corny... emo ...or AFC ... or whatever... someone ... Plz slap some sense into me lol

Sorry this isn't a lay report (I get laid so much there's no point in making posts about it lol)... or a how many plates I am spinning (only 1 now.. she's a good woman and we are exclusive)..... its just kinda where my heads at currently and I'm laying it out here today.

Epi

 

[Lookatu]

Brother, I get it.

You once loved her and that can't just go away like that. The girl I loved before I met my wife, I had a hard time getting her out of my mind for several years.

Right now, you haven't gone through enough time to heal. But I also sense you might be seeking some closure.

As two adults that have cooled off, I don't think it's unreasonable if both of you decide that you want to talk to each other and seek closure.

Maybe find out where her head is at and see if she wants to talk about it sometime. Knowing and having closure is better than the unknown that will keep eating away at you no matter how much new pvssy comes your way. My $.02

Also, having almost died 3 times, I realize life can be short and can end unexpectedly. So for me, I tend to express myself, communicate, and seek any kind of finalization/closure/resolution before it's too late because of what I've been through as I know it can happen to me or others at any time.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

Is it sad?... I have been having an urge to reach out to my ex wife of 25yrs? We been apart 2.5yrs now with no closure really. Not even divorced yet. No hurry really.... I'll let her pay for that when she's ready. I didn't want it so I'm not paying for it. We are amicable and civil.

But I am triggered constantly with ghosts of memories of us as a family... every where I go in Vancouver has some kind of triggered memory. Some good some not so good. My bus to work goes by the house we spent 21yrs in raising our kids.... every single restaurant in my area reminds me... every song of the genres I enjoyed I have listened to while we were together from 16 to 41 .... (I'm 43 now) ... move away right? .. not that easy. I have began listening to country now over last 2 yrs to get away from some of the song memory triggers. Son is attending his last few years of high-school with his buddies still in this area so can't leave either Andy extended family is here too...

Yeah she left me... yeah I have a new gf who treats me wayyy better..sex on tap, cooks, cleans, works as a care aid, full of gratitude..... she's great.

Its been weighing on me heavy for some reason to thank her for the good times we had and apologize for my part in the shyt that go us to where we are today since we nvr really spoke after the split... I know even tho she left me for some rich dude she met ...takes two to tango so I know its not all her but an accumulation of shyt..

Ugh.... not sure why this feels so heavy today.

Wtf is wrong with me .... lol... I'm happy with where I am at and my new gf of almost 1yr.

lol I have a text sitting with my thanks and my sorry along with a couple of songs that articulate some things I can't seem to put into words.

I am not sure what I'm looking for by posting this.... sorry if it sounds corny... emo ...or AFC ... or whatever... someone ... Plz slap some sense into me lol

Sorry this isn't a lay report (I get laid so much there's no point in making posts about it lol)... or a how many plates I am spinning (only 1 now.. she's a good woman and we are exclusive)..... its just kinda where my heads at currently and I'm laying it out here today.

Epi

I understand what you’re talking about. On and off, I deal with the same thing. I was married almost 30 years. There are so many shared memories, most of them having to do with the children, and the only other person in the world who has that shared experience is my ex-wife. The reality is, when a long-term marriage involving children comes apart, it is the death of the family unit that you knew. And as much as you miss it and reminisce about it, like the death of a person, it is gone forever.

With regard to thanking her and potentially apologizing for things I might’ve done, that will never happen because if anyone should do that, it should be her. And, Knowing her personality like I do, she will absolutely never do that. The truth is that I greatly improved the quality of her life, provided her with experiences she would’ve never had on her own, provided an education so she could attain the career that she has. In addition to all of that, I provided her with over $100,000 in alimony and the house that she lives in. So perhaps you should ask yourself, if the scales were balanced, between you and your ex-wife, who did the most wrong , who provided the most value to the other and who inflicted the most needless pain on the other one? And, after doing that evaluation you feel like you “owe“ her an apology and thanks, then ask yourself what is your motive for doing that?

Your best bet, especially at this point, since you haven’t been apart that long is to not reach out.

You may find in the future that when you and your ex have to talk about things happening with your children and potentially grandchildren, some of that reminiscing and sharing of experiences related to your children happens naturally during the course of a discussion. It has happened a few times with myself and my ex.

-Augustus-

 

[Epimanes]

Crazy you almost died 3x.... makes you appreciate life I bet.

I appreciate the feed back..... I sent my apology.... funny she msgd me first b4 I sent it.... we haven't spoken/texted in months... her ears musta been burning. She brought up dental shyt for our son... and then we had a civil back n forth.... I then mentioned I needed to get something off my chest... I proceeded to thank her for the good times we had.... and apologized also for my part of the rough times leading up to our split. I told her I wished i knew the things i know now back then so coulda been a better man for her and I was no longer angry but is what it is... surprisingly she apologized and she also agreed. Said she's learned alot also since our split and also coulda been a better wife knowing what she knows now too.......

We had been together since we were kids (15 and 16) living together and out of our parents places since 17 and 18.. with no healthy examples of good relationships.... winging it as we went.

It felt good to talk to her....

 

[Epimanes]

I understand what you’re talking about. On and off, I deal with the same thing. I was married almost 30 years. There are so many shared memories, most of them having to do with the children, and the only other person in the world who has that shared experience is my ex-wife. The reality is, when a long-term marriage involving children comes apart, it is the death of the family unit that you knew. And as much as you miss it and reminisce about it, like the death of a person, it is gone forever.

With regard to thanking her and potentially apologizing for things I might’ve done, that will never happen because if anyone should do that, it should be her. And, Knowing her personality like I do, she will absolutely never do that. The truth is that I greatly improved the quality of her life, provided her with experiences she would’ve never had on her own, provided an education so she could attain the career that she has. In addition to all of that, I provided her with over $100,000 in alimony and the house that she lives in. So perhaps you should ask yourself, if the scales were balanced, between you and your ex-wife, who did the most wrong , who provided the most value to the other and who inflicted the most needless pain on the other one? And, after doing that evaluation you feel like you “owe“ her an apology and thanks, then ask yourself what is your motive for doing that?

Your best bet, especially at this point, since you haven’t been apart that long is to not reach out.

You may find in the future that when you and your ex have to talk about things happening with your children and potentially grandchildren, some of that reminiscing and sharing of experiences related to your children happens naturally during the course of a discussion. It has happened a few times with myself and my ex.

-Augustus-

I ended up in a convo with her... she reached out about our son.... it went from there

As for the balance of the hurt... I think it was pretty equal... besides her finally pulling the plug... which I couldn't do...

 

[Epimanes]

I appreciate the feed back guys.... I didn't plan on saying nothing after reading your posts.. but it kinda happened anyways... my heart no longer feels so heavy ...

Epi

 

[bat soup]

Is it sad?... I have been having an urge to reach out to my ex wife of 25yrs? We been apart 2.5yrs now with no closure really. Not even divorced yet. No hurry really.... I'll let her pay for that when she's ready. I didn't want it so I'm not paying for it. We are amicable and civil.

But I am triggered constantly with ghosts of memories of us as a family... every where I go in Vancouver has some kind of triggered memory. Some good some not so good. My bus to work goes by the house we spent 21yrs in raising our kids.... every single restaurant in my area reminds me... every song of the genres I enjoyed I have listened to while we were together from 16 to 41 .... (I'm 43 now) ... move away right? .. not that easy. I have began listening to country now over last 2 yrs to get away from some of the song memory triggers. Son is attending his last few years of high-school with his buddies still in this area so can't leave either Andy extended family is here too...

Yeah she left me... yeah I have a new gf who treats me wayyy better..sex on tap, cooks, cleans, works as a care aid, full of gratitude..... she's great.

Its been weighing on me heavy for some reason to thank her for the good times we had and apologize for my part in the shyt that go us to where we are today since we nvr really spoke after the split... I know even tho she left me for some rich dude she met ...takes two to tango so I know its not all her but an accumulation of shyt..

Ugh.... not sure why this feels so heavy today.

Wtf is wrong with me .... lol... I'm happy with where I am at and my new gf of almost 1yr.

lol I have a text sitting with my thanks and my sorry along with a couple of songs that articulate some things I can't seem to put into words.

I am not sure what I'm looking for by posting this.... sorry if it sounds corny... emo ...or AFC ... or whatever... someone ... Plz slap some sense into me lol

Sorry this isn't a lay report (I get laid so much there's no point in making posts about it lol)... or a how many plates I am spinning (only 1 now.. she's a good woman and we are exclusive)..... its just kinda where my heads at currently and I'm laying it out here today.

Epi

Don't reach out yet. Wait until you've spent all of your savings and she has a better job than you.

 

[Lookatu]

I appreciate the feed back guys.... I didn't plan on saying nothing after reading your posts.. but it kinda happened anyways... my heart no longer feels so heavy ...

Epi

Good for you brother

 

[Epimanes]

Don't reach out yet. Wait until you've spent all of your savings and she has a better job than you.

She's unemployed.... being a flat backer for her new guy.

 

[bat soup]

She's unemployed.... being a flat backer for her new guy.

Then I think it's probably best you don't stir up the hornets nest. But you should probably see a lawyer to see how this could affect you financially. She could be waiting for you to pass the threshold for lifetime alimony.

 

[Epimanes]

Then I think it's probably best you don't stir up the hornets nest. But you should probably see a lawyer to see how this could affect you financially. She could be waiting for you to pass the threshold for lifetime alimony.

I have the kids.... she's paying me child support for one of them... he's 17... our other kid is 23... uncontested.... plus I live in BC Canada and she moved to Quebec.

 

[bat soup]

I have the kids.... she's paying me child support for one of them... he's 17... our other kid is 23... uncontested.... plus I live in BC Canada and she moved to Quebec.

I guess when the kids reach 18 there's no more child support anyway, right?

But still, you should be careful because if you're stay married you could end up owing her money. Especially if you get a good job, receive an inheritance or something like that.

I don't think you can go backwards in life. I doubt the people from our past can really be part of our future. At least not in the way they were before. I do think that past lovers can make good friends sometimes, purely because of the deep connection you may have with them, but this doesn't work if either of you still has feelings or attraction the other, which I think may be the case here.

I have one friend that I had wild sex with back in the day when she was a university student. Now, I feel no attraction to her but I always like to see her if I go to her city because I feel comfortable with her to talk about anything. She's like an old friend to me now, someone that I know and trust. It's like the affection and comfort you feel with someone that is family, rather than the attraction you feel for someone new and exciting.

 

[Foe]

I was married for 16 years dude and there was a time where I felt just like you. Its been 4 years now and we are friendly to the point I am completely indifferent to her, which is just the way it should be. We have good chats now and again and our parenting is aligned which makes a big difference with the kids.

I still live in the house we bought together and the memory thing is no longer a issue, infact I relish in them. I get google photo reminders and its nice to see the times we had together, no negative emotions what so ever. Indifference is the final place you will find yourself and I think it will happen perhaps even faster now that you had some closure.

Wait until you get your next hart break Thats when you know your done lol.

 

[The Duke]

Been down that same road. Getting closure when the time is right is a vital step towards getting this behind you to a point you are comfortable with it. The more years that go by, the more girls that you go thru all help put distance between you and those old memories.

Took a few years for me to stop comparing other girls to my ex-wife when I would have sex. For several years we kept somewhat of a friendship but I lost interests the more I realized it was her hoping to come back to me at some point. Now I see she is going thru another divorce and fat. What a bullet I dodged. I think what a mess she has made. Glad that's not me.

 

[Epimanes]

Thanks guys.... I honestly thought I was gunna get bashed for posting this shyt....

When she reached out yesterday..... after having not spoken in months...it felt good knowing she takes some responsibility. A bit of closure I might add...

My current GF is my other high school crush... that I met the same year as my ex.... she disappeared for 23yrs and appeared again on PoF as I was deleting all my OLD accounts. She wasn't on Pof for even 8hrs before I seen her..... having swiped every app seeing same faces over n over... I had enough of OLD... but figured one last look before I deleted PoF (cuz I deleted all others that day) and boom.... there she was... I sent her a msg... telling her I kinda recognized her... she msgs back right away.. asked me wtf happened with ex and I... we chatted about high school... and I went and met her. Hit it off great... she took a moment to silence me and leaned in and kissed me.... told me she had been wanting to do that since before I met my ex.... so far She's been great... and I am in charge of our relationship....Found out she disappeared cuz she got hit by a truck from behind while she was walking down the street in grade 11.... died... revived... and had to relearn to walk etc... I had no idea. Funny how shyt works out.

Ex and I can't go permanent no contact. I have our son and daughter. So there is some chat about them on the occasion. But to recieve an apology from her also.... was ... unheard of. She nvr apologized for nothing our entire marriage of 23yrs.... so that felt good. We ended the convo on a good note... and we wished each other the best.

 

[Lookatu]

Ex and I can't go permanent no contact. I have our son and daughter. So there is some chat about them on the occasion. But to recieve an apology from her also.... was ... unheard of. She nvr apologized for nothing our entire marriage of 23yrs.... so that felt good. We ended the convo on a good note... and we wished each other the best.

I sense forward movement and that is always good compared to backwards movement. The best you can hope for is to be amicable, civil, and have some level of decency and respect for each other as long as you two are tied by your kids. Your kids will sense that and will grow up better because of that. Think of it as an investment for your kids rather than an ego war. That is the best outcome to shoot for and it sounds like you are on the way to that.

 

[samspade]

Go easy on yourself. Twenty-one years is a generation. Of course it's going to suck. But you should just make sure you're not INDULGING the suck. When the feeling comes, embrace it, dismiss it, and move on to more constructive activities. Easier said than done.

The good news is you're 41, you're in the prime of your manhood. Sounds like you're already killing it. And I'm sure your kids are awesome. Starting at 16 is not an easy deal in the west.

And yeah, do NOT reach out. There's an old method, write it on paper or in an email draft, save it, and read it when you feel less shytty. You'll laugh and probably trash it. (EDIT, didn't read the whole thread, but good for you.)

I was only married a handful of years but it took a year to get over. Lots of guilt because I left her. So cut yourself some slack. Once in a blue moon my ex and I email. I don't even think of her as a "woman," just a cool person, no sexual or romantic feelings whatsoever.

I have began listening to country now over last 2 yrs to get away from some of the song memory triggers.

Oh....THAT will brighten your spirits.

 

[Epimanes]

Haha country is actually pretty good... used to hate it..... used to listen to alot of metal... angry music.... not angry anymore... bit of a redneck so.... if it's about guns... or hunting... I love it haha. Luke Bryan's "hunting, fishin, loving every day" kinda sucked me in. Yeah there's some sap songs but I avoid them.... I still listen to other genres.... and my truck has a sub so I pound a few bass lines ... all about balance. But my ex an I... our wedding song was Nothing else matters by Metallica.... that song is now ruined..

 

[Epimanes]

Oh I'm 43 now... kids are 17 and 23

 

[Sir FB]

After I was divorced about a year (20 yr marriage) I talked to a friend of mine and he said it took him five years to get over his divorce. I thought no way can I go through this sh1t another 4 years. Turns out he was wrong. It took me more like seven. It’s been eight now and there’s no emotional nostalgia anymore. No anger or resentment either. Turns out time does heal wounds if you let it, though it certainly sucked to hear how long it can take early in the process