Things I've done so far

[BergischerLöwe]

Alright, listen up. You've taken some solid steps by going out more, but it’s time to turn up the heat. Hitting the same coffee shop every day? Great, you’re a creature of habit — now make that work for you. Start conversations, even if they’re just with the barista. It’s all practice for the main event.

As for dating apps, swiping less is a step in the right direction, but why are you still paying for Tinder if it’s getting you nowhere? That’s like buying a gym membership and never lifting a weight. Use that money for something that actually benefits you.

Now, about this woman you're into. She’s giving you looks, and you're chatting easily; that’s a green light to take it up a notch. Are texts going unanswered? Forget the phone; ask her out in person. No scripts; be genuine, be direct. If she's not on her phone much, then you being in her face can’t be ignored.

Your bass playing caught her attention; that's your in. Invite her to another session, or better yet, see if she wants to collaborate on a piece. That’s interaction, that’s personal, and that’s how you get to know someone.

And drop the "I'll never be able to approach" attitude. You’ve already proven you can talk to women when the pressure's off, so build on that. Every time you visualize approaching someone and draw a blank, replace that with what you'd say to your friends. Keep it light, keep it funny, keep it real.

Are you worried about your "prime"? The only thing that makes it prime is what you do with it. The past is dust — you can't change it, but you can bulldoze your way into a future where you're a guy who approaches life head-on.

This isn’t just about getting a date. It’s about building a life where you’re happy with or without one. Keep improving yourself, keep making those human connections, and the rest will follow. Remember, nobody gets better at anything by just wishing it — get out there and swing the bat.

As for that girl I mentioned, I don't know when I'll run into her again and I still don't really know her all that well. That's the thing, even if she may be interested I don't have much of a way to do anything with that as it stands right mow.

 

[ManFromTartarus]

I've already been in the same band for the past nine years. We haven't been able to play live much in recent years due to the fact that we've been unable to find a drummer who lasts more than one show. When I was in college I played a lot of gigs but even back then I only was ever able to meet girls from dating apps. I always do play well live and I'm a good enough bass player that people really notice my playing, but even then being a musician hasn't really done anything to make my luck with women any better. With that girl I mentioned I don't know when I'll run into her again. She's not really in my immediate social circle, I'd say she's a friend of a friend of a friend or something like that.

After reading this and your other replies I just get the sense of a defeatist mentality. That's why I said getting your head in the right direction is as paramount to your success with women as getting in shape.
Don't get me wrong, being a musician doesn't guarantee you a platoon of groupies but you might have to ask yourself:

-Do I want to stay in a band that doesn't gig?
-When you were gigging did your band attract women to your shows?
-Did you engage with them in between or after your set?
-Were you around the local music scene, going to other bands shows? (possibly to meet more women)
-Why (given the confidence of being appreciated for performing) did you not use that confidence to engage with as many women as you like?

You have to ask yourself these things, be objective about your non-activity towards women, and realize that it will take some effort to break out of the shell you seem to be in.

Any SS member here will tell you that it's all about numbers, the more women you engage with the more chance you'll find one that's interested in you. Get out there, be a musical beast, and talk to every decent looking woman you can.

Good Luck.

PS- You never said what type of music you do, if you play something like Death Metal, or Thrash Punk the quality of females that attend might be limited. I used to be a hard rock shredder but shifted over time to do Jazz, Latin, & R&B. The difference in women attending is incomparable.

 

[Dr.Suave]

One huge thing that's affected how long it's been is that I'm so afraid of getting a woman pregnant accidentally that most of the time I don't consider sex to be worth the risk if I'm not sterile.

Bro, worry about becoming a p00zy magnet first. Then you can worry about pregnancy scares; no point in worrying about pregnancy scares right now, its irrational.

 

[BergischerLöwe]

-Do I want to stay in a band that doesn't gig?
-When you were gigging did your band attract women to your shows?
-Did you engage with them in between or after your set?
-Were you around the local music scene, going to other bands shows? (possibly to meet more women)
-Why (given the confidence of being appreciated for performing) did you not use that confidence to engage with as many women as you like?

You have to ask yourself these things, be objective about your non-activity towards women, and realize that it will take some effort to break out of the shell you seem to be in.

Any SS member here will tell you that it's all about numbers, the more women you engage with the more chance you'll find one that's interested in you. Get out there, be a musical beast, and talk to every decent looking woman you can.

Good Luck.

PS- You never said what type of music you do, if you play something like Death Metal, or Thrash Punk the quality of females that attend might be limited. I used to be a hard rock shredder but shifted over time to do Jazz, Latin, & R&B. The difference in women attending is incomparable.

1. I think it would take me a while to find another band, and this band is a hard one for me to leave since I've been in it for so long and others in it depend on me. Further more the only friend I have that I hang out with on a regular basis is in my band too, and thus it would be weird if I left the band.
2. Sometimes there were women at the shows when we were gigging a lot. Very rarely I would exchange a few words with women there after the show, but these interactions never went anywhere.
3. When my band was gigging a lot occasionally I would go to local shows and see other bands. My band had friends in the scene for a while, but after some time the scene grew more toxic and eventually we weren't hanging out with those guys anymore. That was when we were living in a different town tho
4. I've never really been able to translate that confidence of being appreciated for performing to success with women. I feel like even if I were more well known as a musician I would still have trouble meeting them.

The kind of music my band plays is hard to describe since we play in different styles a lot, but it could probably be classified as psychedelic rock or progressive rock

I'm aware it'll take me a while to break out of the shell I'm in, especially since I've fallen off the wagon so much with dating. The last time I had sex was before covid. I've been so far removed from the dating scene at this point that I'm not sure what to do to break back out again. Like I said in other threads I used to have more success on dating apps but now that's gone. I still get matches sometimes but they get absolutely nowhere. It seems like after I hit age 25 nobody is interested.

 

[BergischerLöwe]

Bro, worry about becoming a p00zy magnet first. Then you can worry about pregnancy scares; no point in worrying about pregnancy scares right now, its irrational.

Shouldn't I get a vasectomy so that I don't ever have to worry? Like I said a friend of mine recently accidentally got a woman pregnant and it was a very distressing experience for him. I don't EVER want to find myself in the same situation. Had I found myself in my friend's shoes I would have been flipping out. Something like that is literally my worst nightmare and I have to reduce the chance of it ever happening. To the surest degree possible

 

[ManFromTartarus]

1. I think it would take me a while to find another band, and this band is a hard one for me to leave since I've been in it for so long and others in it depend on me. Further more the only friend I have that I hang out with on a regular basis is in my band too, and thus it would be weird if I left the band.
2. Sometimes there were women at the shows when we were gigging a lot. Very rarely I would exchange a few words with women there after the show, but these interactions never went anywhere.
3. When my band was gigging a lot occasionally I would go to local shows and see other bands. My band had friends in the scene for a while, but after some time the scene grew more toxic and eventually we weren't hanging out with those guys anymore. That was when we were living in a different town tho
4. I've never really been able to translate that confidence of being appreciated for performing to success with women. I feel like even if I were more well known as a musician I would still have trouble meeting them.

The kind of music my band plays is hard to describe since we play in different styles a lot, but it could probably be classified as psychedelic rock or progressive rock

I'm aware it'll take me a while to break out of the shell I'm in, especially since I've fallen off the wagon so much with dating. The last time I had sex was before covid. I've been so far removed from the dating scene at this point that I'm not sure what to do to break back out again. Like I said in other threads I used to have more success on dating apps but now that's gone. I still get matches sometimes but they get absolutely nowhere. It seems like after I hit age 25 nobody is interested.

I'm just seeing you putting your own obstacles in front of you, and between you and your goals.

Band isn't gigging but they depend on you? .... for what?
Only one good friend? ... You already know you need to make more.
Played gigs in the past but never capitalized on your efforts? ... that's on you.
You don't even feel getting more exposure is going to help? .. defeatist mindset.

This still goes back to getting your head in the right direction and maybe just going on a forum and confessing your lack of drive towards rectifying your situation isn't going to turn things around. If I were you I'd seriously consider counseling.

 

[pipeman84]

Hey OP, your mindset is the biggest problem, the fact you're paying for Tinder is a dead giveaway.

Shouldn't I get a vasectomy so that I don't ever have to worry? Like I said a friend of mine recently accidentally got a woman pregnant and it was a very distressing experience for him. I don't EVER want to find myself in the same situation. Had I found myself in my friend's shoes I would have been flipping out. Something like that is literally my worst nightmare and I have to reduce the chance of it ever happening. To the surest degree possible

I don't get this. Say you have sex with a woman and she comes back 3 months later saying she's pregnant. Now what? You don't even know the baby is yours. Can a court of law force you to take a paternity test? If yes and it proves you're the father, can the court force you to pay alimony?
I guess this irrational fear is subconsciously sabotaging you, on top of your already existing self esteem issues.

LE: ok, I've read up on the subject. So it appears that indeed the court would order a DNA test and you'd have to pay child support. BUT, it seems to me that it's a highly unlikely course of events to 1. unwillingly get a woman pregnant and 2. her wanting to keep the baby. I mean for you it's an extra tax on your income, but imagine the hassle she has to go through with pregnancy and raising the child.
If that's your worst nightmare, then how do you get out of the house, aren't you afraid you'll get hit by a drunk driver and left paralysed?

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Worry about actually being in a position to impregnate someone first. Until then condoms save lives…

Shouldn't I get a vasectomy so that I don't ever have to worry? Like I said a friend of mine recently accidentally got a woman pregnant and it was a very distressing experience for him. I don't EVER want to find myself in the same situation. Had I found myself in my friend's shoes I would have been flipping out. Something like that is literally my worst nightmare and I have to reduce the chance of it ever happening. To the surest degree possible

 

[BergischerLöwe]

Hey OP, your mindset is the biggest problem, the fact you're paying for Tinder is a dead giveaway.

I don't get this. Say you have sex with a woman and she comes back 3 months later saying she's pregnant. Now what? You don't even know the baby is yours. Can a court of law force you to take a paternity test? If yes and it proves you're the father, can the court force you to pay alimony?
I guess this irrational fear is subconsciously sabotaging you, on top of your already existing self esteem issues.

LE: ok, I've read up on the subject. So it appears that indeed the court would order a DNA test and you'd have to pay child support. BUT, it seems to me that it's a highly unlikely course of events to 1. unwillingly get a woman pregnant and 2. her wanting to keep the baby. I mean for you it's an extra tax on your income, but imagine the hassle she has to go through with pregnancy and raising the child.
If that's your worst nightmare, then how do you get out of the house, aren't you afraid you'll get hit by a drunk driver and left paralysed?

Well right now I still don't have any real aternative to tinder so I have to make do and pay for it. Apps are still the best way I have to meet women even though they don't work for me anymore. As for my concerns about accidentally getting women pregnant, I can't afford to ever let it get to that point. In order for me to feel comfortable having sex I need to get a vasectomy. That's an absolute requisite. To have sex without having been sterilized isn't worth the risk to me.

 

[BergischerLöwe]

Worry about actually being in a position to impregnate someone first. Until then condoms save lives…

Condoms aren't reliable enough. They still can fail

 

[BergischerLöwe]

If I were you I'd seriously consider counseling.

I already go to therapy

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Condoms aren't reliable enough. They still can fail

You'd have to have a reason to worry about one failing, which you don't. Don't you see that?

 

[BergischerLöwe]

Band isn't gigging but they depend on you? .... for what?
Only one good friend? ... You already know you need to make more.
Played gigs in the past but never capitalized on your efforts? ... that's on you.
You don't even feel getting more exposure is going to help? .. defeatist mindset.

1. My band depends on me for certain equipment, our van, and our practice space. We're also still working on a new album so now would be a very bad time to quit.
2. I know I need to make more friends, but making friends after college is very difficult
3. There weren't many opportunities to talk to women at my gigs anyway, and the few times I did it never got anywhere
4. To be quite frank even if I were outright famous I don't think I would be meeting women as I should

 

[BergischerLöwe]

You'd have to have a reason to worry about one failing, which you don't. Don't you see that?

I do see that, but I cannot afford to have one fail if I'm in that situation. In my case my options are get a vasectomy or remain celibate. I'm not going to take any chances. I have to prevent all possibility of accidental pregnancy occurring

 

[Gamisch]

Well right now I still don't have any real aternative to tinder so I have to make do and pay for it. Apps are still the best way I have to meet women even though they don't work for me anymore. As for my concerns about accidentally getting women pregnant, I can't afford to ever let it get to that point. In order for me to feel comfortable having sex I need to get a vasectomy. That's an absolute requisite. To have sex without having been sterilized isn't worth the risk to me.

Wait a minute.

You just said that you get matches but they don't go anywhere, and you haven't seen a naked woman 5 years...

You are DEFINITELY insane! Because the definition of insanity is doing the same thing while expecting a different result...

1. My band depends on me for certain equipment, our van, and our practice space. We're also still working on a new album so now would be a very bad time to quit.
2. I know I need to make more friends, but making friends after college is very difficult
3. There weren't many opportunities to talk to women at my gigs anyway, and the few times I did it never got anywhere
4. To be quite frank even if I were outright famous I don't think I would be meeting women as I should

You can work on the album in the STUDIO, while you play bass in a band that actually makes shyte happen, like a COVER band.

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And LOL about you being scared to impregnate a woman that's like a skinny non threatening nerd worried about taking boxing classes because " he might body a MF when he gets challenged " haha.

You are a living excuse.

 

[ManFromTartarus]

1. My band depends on me for certain equipment, our van, and our practice space. We're also still working on a new album so now would be a very bad time to quit.
2. I know I need to make more friends, but making friends after college is very difficult
3. There weren't many opportunities to talk to women at my gigs anyway, and the few times I did it never got anywhere
4. To be quite frank even if I were outright famous I don't think I would be meeting women as I should

OK my last reply to you...

STFU with these pathetic excuses!!! I already answered all those questions for you.

Nobody depends on you, because your band isn't doing anything. Only thing I see is them using you for practice space, transport & gear when you don't even have a reason to rehearse (no gigs).
... and making a home spun Prog Rock "album" isn't much of a better excuse.
I can see making friends is tough for you and your negative mindset is the root of that.
When you played in the past there were nothing but opportunities with women, you are just so much into creating your own obstacles that you never took advantage of it. To say that even fame would not make anything better for you is prime example of your own defeatist mentality and basically a flat out lie.

If you do go to therapy, find another counselor because if you still carry around this burden of self sabotage that I see here, it's definitely not working.

My advice is to stop replying to this thread with these lame azz excuses no one believes and take to heart the good advice given by everyone here.

 

[All_Kindz_Of_Gainz]

Well right now I still don't have any real aternative to tinder so I have to make do and pay for it. Apps are still the best way I have to meet women even though they don't work for me anymore. As for my concerns about accidentally getting women pregnant, I can't afford to ever let it get to that point. In order for me to feel comfortable having sex I need to get a vasectomy. That's an absolute requisite. To have sex without having been sterilized isn't worth the risk to me.

Cancel Tinder, focus a fvcking year to yourself, improving you as a guy who people wanna be around with. Stop the thirst for women, you're 27, women are not gonna go anywhere dude. At 27 I was grinding hard to have a good life, didn't have women, now I have abundance mindset because of the man I became.

I got a vasectomy but because I was fvcking women, you're not fvcking anyone. That's not a decision easy to make. Stop worrying about it and become someone.

Getting a vasectomy when you're not fvcking women it's like saying I'm not going to the gym cause I don't wanna be too big. You just finding an excuse to not do the hard work.

 

[BergischerLöwe]

Cancel Tinder, focus a fvcking year to yourself, improving you as a guy who people wanna be around with. Stop the thirst for women, you're 27, women are not gonna go anywhere dude. At 27 I was grinding hard to have a good life, didn't have women, now I have abundance mindset because of the man I became.

I got a vasectomy but because I was fvcking women, you're not fvcking anyone. That's not a decision easy to make. Stop worrying about it and become someone.

Getting a vasectomy when you're not fvcking women it's like saying I'm not going to the gym cause I don't wanna be too big. You just finding an excuse to not do the hard work.

I'm telling you, in the past when I've had sex it was too nerve wracking because of the possibility of accidental pregnancy. I need to get a vasectomy in order for me to feel comfortable doing it. Otherwise accidental pregnancy will always be in the back of my mind.

 

[BergischerLöwe]

Wait a minute.

You just said that you get matches but they don't go anywhere, and you haven't seen a naked woman 5 years...

You are DEFINITELY insane! Because the definition of insanity is doing the same thing while expecting a different result...

So far I haven't been able to end my reliance on apps. I don't like having to keep using them this much but it still feels like I have no other way

 

[corrector]

So far I haven't been able to end my reliance on apps. I don't like having to keep using them this much but it still feels like I have no other way

5 years bro.