The Wheels Came Off

[The Duke]

First Off, I changed my username from Howiestern to "The Duke". The Duke refers to John Wayne, one of my heroes.

Now the good, the bad, and the end of my LTR...

After 4yrs my live in girlfriend(mid 40s HB8) and I have ended our relationship.

She scored high in all the categories that mattered. She was very little drama, and very rational by female standards. She had two ex-husbands(the second she divorced because he became a weekend coke head). She came from a good family. Our backgrounds, religious upbringing, SMV, work ethic were very similar. She loved sehx, and very submissive in the bedroom. Probably one of the best girls I've ever been with and I've had plenty to compare her to.

So why didn't this work out?

At the end of the day, she is a career woman. I saw some of that at the beginning, but didn't put much stock in it due to her submissiveness. Turns out she just wasn't in a job at that point in time that was super demanding. In the beginning of our relationship she was still very active in her hobby. Since then she has worked for 3 different companies. She is now a marketing executive for a tech company. She has no time for her hobby anymore and is 100% focused on her work. Sad way to live your life, but thats me. Over time the submissiveness and empathy went away as the executive narcissistic mindset took over.

What got us sideways?
She got too busy and wanted me to run her errands, do her chores, etc. She didn't make time to clean up after herself. I was expected to pick up the slack. It was like she wanted me to be her house husband. Things got very lopsided and she showed very little appreciation.

I told her she needed a guy that would lay down for her, but the problem would be she would never respect that.....a few days later she told me I was exactly right.

What can we learn from this?
1. Stay away from career women. Don't be fooled by their acting skills while they are trying to draw you in.

2. The most disappointing thing is she has no desire to work this out. No relationship will ever be perfect. You can pick two great people that are perfect matches, but if those two aren't willing to work out their differences when the issues arise, it will never last. A few months back she did ask if I'd be happier if she found a less demanding job. I said yes, but I'd never want that on my conscience. I knew it would be something she was doing to keep me, and eventually resentment would set in, and next thing you know I'd be putting up with an angry biatch.

3. I've done every relationship possible, all types of women. I'd prefer to be with a great girl long term under my roof, but the problem is finding one that is willing to right the ship when it falls over. Most don't want to fix the problems. Throwing something away and getting a new one is far easier. What they don't realize is their value is forever declining and someday their relationship skills will need to make up for their declining looks. I've got an exwife that can tell you all about that.

I'm not sure where the road will take me, but I don't see myself ever allowing a girl to live with me again. You move them in....they stop trying to please you, things aren't as exciting, a man loses some of his power. Live in girlfriends are a lot like wives and I never liked the feel of being a husband.

I will probably just date and have lots of sleepovers! One thing about getting older and experiencing all sorts of things in life is you realize the sun will still rise tomorrow. One chapter ending allows for a new chapter to begin. Sometimes it stings a little, but many more fun times are on the way. Every girl I've every been with has taught me something about my self and helped me understand women better.

I've got a life to live. Time to saddle up and ride.

 

[Barrister]

Sorry to hear about this. You made the right decision - but that doesn't necessarily make it easy. Look on the bright side though - you get to go back out there and begin slaying again that much better than you were before this relationship. You seem to be in a good head space and ready to have a good time.

Break-ups tend to energize us men and make us make changes to our lives that are long overdue -- all for the better. I have no doubt you have a lot to look forward to.

 

[SW15]

After 4yrs my live in girlfriend(mid 40s HB8) and I have ended our relationship.

So why didn't this work out?

At the end of the day, she is a career woman. I saw some of that at the beginning, but didn't put much stock in it due to her submissiveness. Turns out she just wasn't in a job at that point in time that was super demanding. In the beginning of our relationship she was still very active in her hobby. Since then she has worked for 3 different companies. She is now a marketing executive for a tech company. She has no time for her hobby anymore and is 100% focused on her work. Sad way to live your life, but thats me. Over time the submissiveness and empathy went away as the executive narcissistic mindset took over.

First off, a 4 year long relationship is somewhat of an achievement in this era.

Career women are tough to date. It can be somewhat difficult to avoid career women, especially when you're dating women age 30+.

You can screen out women who have advanced degrees if you want to avoid the worst career women. However, at age 30+, even women with bachelor's degrees can be career women, especially if they are childless.

Men who date women age 30+ often get 2 tough choices.

1. The childless career woman
2. The single mom who isn't a careerist

I lean more towards Option 1 since I am childless and want to avoid single moms. I try to avoid the worst careerists by avoiding women with advanced degrees.

What can we learn from this?
1. Stay away from career women. Don't be fooled by their acting skills while they are trying to draw you in.

2. The most disappointing thing is she has no desire to work this out. No relationship will ever be perfect. You can pick two great people that are perfect matches, but if those two aren't willing to work out their differences when the issues arise, it will never last. A few months back she did ask if I'd be happier if she found a less demanding job. I said yes, but I'd never want that on my conscience. I knew it would be something she was doing to keep me, and eventually resentment would set in, and next thing you know I'd be putting up with an angry biatch.

The best way to screen for the worst careerist women is avoiding women with advanced degrees. It's not a foolproof method and gets less reliable with age. It starts to falter around age 30 with women with bachelor's degrees and with childless women 35-44, only a bachelor's degree vs. an advanced degree only makes a slight difference.

Her job matters a lot with a bachelor's degree. You got lucky in the short term that she didn't have a demanding job in the early part of your relationship. It does seem like the relationship ran its course because her career obligations from one or more job switches interfered with her ability to be a good girlfriend.

I think the relationship ran its course. It would have ended whether you moved in together or not.

3. I've done every relationship possible, all types of women. I'd prefer to be with a great girl long term under my roof, but the problem is finding one that is willing to right the ship when it falls over. Most don't want to fix the problems. Throwing something away and getting a new one is far easier. What they don't realize is their value is forever declining and someday their relationship skills will need to make up for their declining looks. I've got an exwife that can tell you all about that.

I'm not sure where the road will take me, but I don't see myself ever allowing a girl to live with me again. You move them in....they stop trying to please you, things aren't as exciting, a man loses some of his power. Live in girlfriends are a lot like wives and I never liked the feel of being a husband.

There is an Iron Rule of Tomassi against living together with a girlfriend. At one point in my life, I thought I'd live together with a girlfriend. I am fortunate that none of my relationships got to that point where living together was realistic. Now, in part because of other men's experiences and the Iron Rule of Tomassi, I do not want to live with a girlfriend.

It seems like you're learning the correct lesson by not living with a girlfriend.

Most women will want to move in together or get married at some point in an LTR. There are not too many women who would go on in the long term without living together or marrying. The ones that will go for a LTR of many years without living together are childless career women, so that's a challenge.

 

[pipeman84]

She had two ex-husbands(the second she divorced because he became a weekend coke head).

This and her age (not from a physical attractiveness viewpoint but baggage/can't teach an old dog new tricks POV) would've been plenty reason not to consider her as live-in girlfriend material. If you're really honest with yourself and go back to the beginning of relationship, weren't the red flags apparent within 4 months (there's that saying that no one can fake it past 90 days mark)? Very surprising that for an experienced SS member it took 4 years to discover her true colors.

 

[Stanley]

Good post. Hang in there and keep the positive mindset going and look forward for things to come.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Many of us have been there brother hang in there it’ll be OK.

 

[Bingo-Player]

I was in more or less in your position 2 years ago decided to wrap up a 4 year LTR

First year was just a whirlwind , i was fvcking anything i could get my hands on and as a result woke up next to 1 or 2 landwhales before i started asking myself wtf i was doing

Second year i left my hometown moved to a bigger city , end up randomly bumping into this HB8 blonde bombshell on the street and next thing i am on another 6 month rollercoaster ......that came to an end in January....... and well check my latest FR for my latest adventure

Life is choc full of twists and turns , up's and down's

One of my favourite quotes is "there's nothing more scary than being in the same place as last year"

Life is short ....sometimes i wonder what the fvck i am doing with my life and sometimes i miss my EX thats normal

but then when i look back theres some great stories and memories and its anything but boring

Some of my freinds are in these dead end relationships going through the motions , in the place where we grew up, they do the same things week in week out , see the same people the same places

They waste year after year pretending everything is hunky dory when they are dying inside

They are too scared to pull the trigger and do something different

If your relationship wasn't working and it certainly sounds like it wasn't you did the right thing well done for having a pair of balls

So many don't

 

[CornbreadFed]

I am glad you gave us this insight because a lot of inexperienced people think relationships are only about looks, first impressions, sex and fancy date nights/traveling. People will date a person and ignore the obvious….Could I tolerate living with this person for the rest of my life in favor of what I just mentioned.

 

[Dr.Suave]

This is a good thing. You will find someone better.

 

[RazorRambo24]

Thanks for the insight. Definitely appreciate it. I would say this is why you always just spin plates man, and never really commit and especailly never allow a woman to live with you. Abundance + Balance is the 2 greatest keys I learned in managing a successful playership.

 

[TheManMasenko]

4 year ltr end in your 40s. What the hell?

I expect you to been ahead of the time of your life where you "settle down" and found the person to die with.

Though, what do I know? I hate relationships for the same reason I love them.

Edit: grammar

 

[BeExcellent]

Well bummer. Back out on the two step circuit for you. It is disappointing what happened.

It’s a tough thing too. As a business woman myself I see both sides. Nobody is going to sweep in and take care of me and my youngest daughter, so that responsibility falls to me. Would I love to be an at-home partner in a LTR? Sure. But I also can’t expect a man to sign up for taking care of me and a teen.

As you know I ended up “careerist” out of necessity. Oh well. I’d love to get to a point where I have the passive income not to need to work. Not there yet with university costs for 3 kids and an ex husband who struggles to support himself.

As it is I’m able to work from home and so is my fiancé. That’s nice. But somebody has to pay the bills and some of my bills really are not his to shoulder, and he’s not wealthy enough to do so if he wanted to.

She was living at your place. So presumably a conversation could have occurred to discuss you being her priority and giving up her career to be your partner, and the obvious trade off would be the commitment on your part to take care of her to enable this.

I’d like to get to a point where I can scale way back and focus on my husband & enjoying his journey. But I’m not there yet.

It’s challenging to be sure.

Bummer.

 

[TheManMasenko]

Well bummer. Back out on the two step circuit for you. It is disappointing what happened.

It’s a tough thing too. As a business woman myself I see both sides. Nobody is going to sweep in and take care of me and my youngest daughter, so that responsibility falls to me. Would I love to be an at-home partner in a LTR? Sure. But I also can’t expect a man to sign up for taking care of me and a teen.

As you know I ended up “careerist” out of necessity. Oh well. I’d love to get to a point where I have the passive income not to need to work. Not there yet with university costs for 3 kids and an ex husband who struggles to support himself.

As it is I’m able to work from home and so is my fiancé. That’s nice. But somebody has to pay the bills and some of my bills really are not his to shoulder, and he’s not wealthy enough to do so if he wanted to.

She was living at your place. So presumably a conversation could have occurred to discuss you being her priority and giving up her career to be your partner, and the obvious trade off would be the commitment on your part to take care of her to enable this.

I’d like to get to a point where I can scale way back and focus on my husband & enjoying his journey. But I’m not there yet.

It’s challenging to be sure.

Bummer.

Quick question,

You and your man are not together. What occurred for the two of you to separate? Why did you pick the partner you had a child with?

I can't seem to understand why people, especially adults separate when together. Do people yet to figure out two is better than one? As OP stated, you can solve any relationship issues with effort.

 

[Ricky]

Its tough. I can totally relate to the comments about women not putting in much effort to fix relationship issues. Unfortunately been dealing with this with my wife. I think they expect us to lead at all times.. which is tough when they start acting bat**** crazy.

 

[TheManMasenko]

Its tough. I can totally relate to the comments about women not putting in much effort to fix relationship issues. Unfortunately been dealing with this with my wife. I think they expect us to lead at all times.. which is tough when they start acting bat**** crazy.

As men are we not supposed to be our women's shield? It's tough but someone has to be a man.

 

[SW15]

The Only 9 Options for Men as They Age - Alpha Male 2.0

Enable Dark Mode Enable Light Mode Get Free Email Updates! Join us for FREE to get instant email updates! -By Caleb Jones As I’ve discussed before, most men, even Alpha Males, have no intention on being players for the rest of their lives. At some point, even the horniest players will want to...

alphamale20.com

@The Duke has tried Options 1, 3, and 6. I don't see him trying Option 1 again and Option 2 is a bit silly. Options 7-9 are in the open relationship realm, which I don't think he'll do. Open relationships are controversial. His future is likely to be mostly Options 3 and 6 and likely more of Option 6. He is going to have to get good at Option 6.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Career women are tough to date. It can be somewhat difficult to avoid career women, especially when you're dating women age 30+.

This is a good point. Single women in the 30+ age range inevitably fall into one of 4 categories:

1) Single moms;
2) Ugly “leftover” women;
3) Women with psychological issues (i.e. narcissism, BPD) that prevent them from staying in long-term relationships; and
4) Career women.

Out of those 4 options, career women are arguably the “least bad” choice.

 

[SW15]

This is a good point. Single women in the 30+ age range inevitably fall into one of 4 categories:

1) Single moms;
2) Ugly “leftover” women;
3) Women with psychological issues (i.e. narcissism, BPD) that prevent them from staying in long-term relationships; and
4) Career women.

Out of those 4 options, career women are arguably the “least bad” choice.

I agree that they are the least bad choice if they are good looking career women. There are women who fall into multiple of those 4 categories.

For the childless man, the childless career woman is a decent choice. As mentioned before, there are ways to avoid the worst career women for longer term relationships, where screening matters more. For childless men spinning plates, childless career women can be passable plates.

 

[The Duke]

This is a good point. Single women in the 30+ age range inevitably fall into one of 4 categories:

1) Single moms;
2) Ugly “leftover” women;
3) Women with psychological issues (i.e. narcissism, BPD) that prevent them from staying in long-term relationships; and
4) Career women.

Out of those 4 options, career women are arguably the “least bad” choice.

I've had all 4 of those. Definitely 4 is the worst of the evils.

The Only 9 Options for Men as They Age - Alpha Male 2.0

Enable Dark Mode Enable Light Mode Get Free Email Updates! Join us for FREE to get instant email updates! -By Caleb Jones As I’ve discussed before, most men, even Alpha Males, have no intention on being players for the rest of their lives. At some point, even the horniest players will want to...

alphamale20.com

@The Duke has tried Options 1, 3, and 6. I don't see him trying Option 1 again and Option 2 is a bit silly. Options 7-9 are in the open relationship realm, which I don't think he'll do. Open relationships are controversial. His future is likely to be mostly Options 3 and 6 and likely more of Option 6. He is going to have to get good at Option 6.

6. Be a serial monogamist forever

This option means that you have a constant stream of short-term (three years or less) monogamous relationships, one after the next, for the rest of your life, even well into your old age.

I've enjoyed these the most. About the only thing that would interest me. Keeps it fun and fresh with some level of commitment. The guy still has freedom. The drawback is the time you waste going back and forth between two houses but it could be worse!

 

[The Duke]

She was living at your place. So presumably a conversation could have occurred to discuss you being her priority and giving up her career to be your partner, and the obvious trade off would be the commitment on your part to take care of her to enable this.

I'd feel like I was paying for her, and a provider role is not for me so I never offered it.