The Vicious Circle of Social Incompetence

[BigWillyStyle]

I have a problem to which I see no clear way out of: How do I become socially competent when I'm constantly being put down?

The effect of my social incompetence is profound: I am ostracized, ridiculed and treated with general contempt by others. This has, consequently, compounded my problem by rendering me more and more socially awkward, shy and unconfident -- it is a vicious circle.

So, how am I supposed to "rise above it", so to speak, in the face of such adversity? My social deficits are obvious like genital warts on a shaved bush. I'd like to hear from some ex-misfits that have managed to get their sh!t together (i.e. they now have true friends, self-confidence, etc.).

Thanks for helping out a dork, guys.

P.S. Please, no suggestions to get loaded; I've been down that road and it turned into a crutch. Thus, it didn't help the cause. Hence, I don't drink anymore.

 

[jon3947]

I used to be like that, i learned to smile, be nicest bastard anyones ever me, and under no circumstances act hostile to anything

 

[Maxtro]

And your defects are?

If you are being "ostracized, ridiculed and treated with general contempt by others" at 25 then you are doing something very wrong. You are also probably hanging out with the wrong people.

I'm certainly not popular and never have been, but most people are friendly to me. So I'm at least tolerated if they don't actually like me.

What is it that you think you are doing that makes people dislike you?

 

[Alle_Gory]

I used to be like that, i learned to smile, be nicest bastard anyones ever me, and under no circumstances act hostile to anything

That's pretty good advice. There's no point in hostility at any time in social situations.

 

[BigWillyStyle]

What is it that you think you are doing that makes people dislike you?

I'm amicable towards others, but my conversations are stilted and my general demeanor is, well, "different". I've stuggled with this my entire life, and I'm not making much progress in my endeavors for "normality". People don't like disparity. It seems we all need to be carbon copies or the foregoing ensues. People are that petty.

 

[nightcrawler]

I have a problem to which I see no clear way out of: How do I become socially competent when I'm constantly being put down?

The effect of my social incompetence is profound: I am ostracized, ridiculed and treated with general contempt by others. This has, consequently, compounded my problem by rendering me more and more socially awkward, shy and unconfident -- it is a vicious circle.

So, how am I supposed to "rise above it", so to speak, in the face of such adversity? My social deficits are obvious like genital warts on a shaved bush. I'd like to hear from some ex-misfits that have managed to get their sh!t together (i.e. they now have true friends, self-confidence, etc.).

Thanks for helping out a dork, guys.

P.S. Please, no suggestions to get loaded; I've been down that road and it turned into a crutch. Thus, it didn't help the cause. Hence, I don't drink anymore.

elaborate on the bold or else there's no way of knowing wtf's wrong with you

 

[cola]

I bet your really intelligent aren't you? People who are intelligent suffer to no end socially.
They are constantly ostracized and stand out because they see the meaninglessness in most banal human interactions. You see people doing things that your intelligent mind probably sees a futile. Its almost like to fit in you have to dumb yourself down.

Basically it boils down to viewing life as a movie and you a actor. You have to turn into a action star in a movie. This can be conflicting internally but your only real other alternative is to strictly deal with females with a similar intelligence to yours. Which is hard because there so few and far between and because they've been through the same things ygou have I.e being put down etc etc its hard to break down there defensnes.
I appologize to you for the state of the world but we live in a time where intelligence can be a blessing but it can also be a curse.
I think the book the 48 laws of power may help you more than the pua community.
Hope this helped
And if no one understands you trust me I do
Intelligence can be so lonely
-chris

 

[Desert Fox]

I bet your really intelligent aren't you? People who are intelligent suffer to no end socially.
They are constantly ostracized and stand out because they see the meaninglessness in most banal human interactions. You see people doing things that your intelligent mind probably sees a futile. Its almost like to fit in you have to dumb yourself down.

Basically it boils down to viewing life as a movie and you a actor. You have to turn into a action star in a movie. This can be conflicting internally but your only real other alternative is to strictly deal with females with a similar intelligence to yours. Which is hard because there so few and far between and because they've been through the same things ygou have I.e being put down etc etc its hard to break down there defensnes.
I appologize to you for the state of the world but we live in a time where intelligence can be a blessing but it can also be a curse.
I think the book the 48 laws of power may help you more than the pua community.
Hope this helped
And if no one understands you trust me I do
Intelligence can be so lonely
-chris

this is the answer i have been looking for...i hate having to dumb myself down . in the past i did that and people loved me. 2 years ago I said "**** THAT" and started telling the plain hard truth about everything including my accomplishments.

people would ask "yo desert, howd u do on the exam?" I used to say "i did alright...not too great" but this time I told the truth like, "I did great, got a 96." and they'd all start to slowly envy...no...hate me. for doing what they couldn't...i dumbed myself down enough but I am reluctant to do it again. A sick little part of me enjoys knowing that thy will never be as good as I am and will never have the potential that I possess to become great. Is that wrong?

 

[cola]

this is the answer i have been looking for...i hate having to dumb myself down . in the past i did that and people loved me. 2 years ago I said "**** THAT" and started telling the plain hard truth about everything including my accomplishments.

people would ask "yo desert, howd u do on the exam?" I used to say "i did alright...not too great" but this time I told the truth like, "I did great, got a 96." and they'd all start to slowly envy...no...hate me. for doing what they couldn't...i dumbed myself down enough but I am reluctant to do it again. A sick little part of me enjoys knowing that thy will never be as good as I am and will never have the potential that I possess to become great. Is that wrong?

No sir
Its not wrong persay. But it is dangerous. Don't get complacent in knowing you have the potential. A deadly trap many people fall in to. Use the potential. 1 action overides 100 thoughts. And people who envy your accomplishments aren't your true friends. A true friend celebrates with you in your moment of triumph and wipes your tears in your moment of defeat.
Good luck my friend
Spread thoes golden wings of yours

 

[SickAgain]

"No one can make you feel inferior without your own consent"
-Eleanor Roosevelt

I think that's how the quote goes. Either way you probably a validation seeker. Otherwise you probably wouldn't care. Anyways who is showing you their ugly side for no reason is an ugly person in general. Case in point you win without doing anything. Unless you're a sensitive pvssy. Then you gotta get over that.

 

[CaptainJ]

I'm amicable towards others, but my conversations are stilted and my general demeanor is, well, "different". I've stuggled with this my entire life, and I'm not making much progress in my endeavors for "normality". People don't like disparity. It seems we all need to be carbon copies or the foregoing ensues. People are that petty.

The answer to this is quite simple really.

Get big and strong.

I'm serious. It's the quickest and easiest way to earn respect. You also become confident in yourself, thus more able to interact socially. Let's take into account a story:

A guy I knew, used to be skinny-average build and was seen as the b1tch of the group, who everyone bullied. Well this guy got really into weightlifting and boxing, and became really strong and big. Now he is respected and seen as a cool person by everyone. No one bullies him anymore and he can hold his ground when being insulted.

I guess the psychology behind it is that alpha males are usually big and strong. If you have strength, you will be respected because people fear being hurt by you. Simple really. Whereas scrawny people are really easy to pick on.

It's not just a matter of being friendly, I know plenty of friendly people who get bullied or have little respect. It's a matter of confidence and respect. People don't like other because they are friendly, they like them because they respect and sometimes fear them.

 

[cola]

I think that's bad advice. What does being big and strong have to do with anything?
Trust me...
Just let your light shine on the word.. people will like you when you start liking yourself

 

[Ookami369]

I’m not the most experienced guy around but I personally think you should not really care all that much about fitting in with people who treat you with contempt because you are different.
I liked Cola’s advice about the 48 laws of power but I can see where CaptainJ is coming from too.
Testosterone can be quite the natural confidence builder and you’ll look better and will be stronger too but if investing time in that is worth it to you is your choice.

I’d further recommend what pook wrote( yeah I’m a fan ) but there is enough material on this site that will help anyone who wants’ to improve this part of their lives

 

[Hughman]

It's another 'circle'. If you can fight and are big, you are going to have confidence in yourself. Coupled with the subconscious respect people are going to have for you new physique, it's a double whammy. Sure, scrawny guys can command respect, look at say, Napoleon, the guy was like what, 5' 4" and only got fvcked over because he was an idiot and didn't pull out of Russia during the winter. But you have to have faith in yourself, and you have to prove yourself to do that. It's far easier to have that faith if you are 6' and are 200 pounds of pure muscle.

Also, look at the stats. You are more likely to have a higher salary if you are 6' than if you are 5' 8". The figures are on the internet somewhere - the national papers did a report on it last year.

 

[saber]

double post

 

[saber]

I think you have found one place were a lot of guys can understand your situation

there is no single magic bullet to fitting in and i would recommend taking the above advice in small doses...no offense

being able to mentally or physically abuse people through strength and intelligence is a necessity to protect your personal right but will not cure your entire dilemma

I lived in isolation through my younger years and now at 23 have come to terms with whats happening in my life and maybee you can feel the same

I tried desperately to understand people in hopes they would like me.
On top of going out to social things i didn't really want to attend, i would make charts and graphs and all sorts of theories that i would test on people
in hopes of understanding them

the irony is that after all that i finally came to the conclusion that understanding people was useless because all i ever wanted was to be understood

then i had that eureka moment

That is what everyone one wants

Just keep showing up and worry about how others feel and
your actions will start to follow...

its easy to become selfish and paralyzed by your own self awareness when you are all alone most of the time...be aware of others and not of yourself

your actions will affect others, take notice

 

[Poonani Maker]

Basically, you've gotta have a CORE support group, not us at sosuave, but an in-person hardly-ever-fail-you support network, and MOST people find that through a True Christian church or "cult" even. I wouldn't even say martial arts, though most black belts are disciplined people, they can be detrimental to your spiritual health as well.

That way when you go out in to the world, and you meet new people, you have that loving "reference point" that will build you up, even while others are tearing you down. You know then, it's not you, but it's them. They are the ones on the wrong path and need some serious loving help. You actually feel sorry for them, their blind walk on this Earth.

Forgiveness is not something people come easily by. It's like golf clubs. You had to start with "forgiving" clubs in order to not feel bad all the time about your lousy shots. Then you move up to the "less forgiving" clubs or "blades" which shank with a slight off-age of your swing.

You've got to flow n' move flow n' move, and SEE. Those who do not see are blind.

 

[ImTheDude...Man]

stand up for yourself

or find new friends

stop caring what others thing

however if you want true friends and self-confidence, etc...that's just one of those things that you as man must gotta figure out first