The right approach

[powersize]

Hey guys,

I have been doing NC with a girl who dumped me since early Feb 2019. To make story short i have been needy and unsecured. She has done a lot of red flags and dumped me via text. Since there i have never contacted her again and deleted from all social media.

My question is what is the right approach when i see her or bump into her, taking into account that hard break up experience?

Thanks

 

[Fan]

Just act casual and not butthurt. Don't talk about the relationship, don't talk about feelings. As Rollo says, the opposite of love is indifference. And that's what gets the hamster spinning.

 

[Epic Days]

What does a woman do who has lost all interest in a man? He no longer exists. Ignore her. She doesn't exist.

 

[wifehunter]

Act like she's a zombie and wants to eat your brains.

 

[powersize]

You’re looking at this as if she will be vying for your attention when that moment comes and that you’ll have this huge spotlight on you with a lot of pressure to put on a perfect performance with the perfect response.

Odds are, she may barely acknowledge you even if she does notice you.

Nothing wrong with giving her a “hey” or “hi” if she does pay any attention, but it’s not likely to be anything more than a 3 second moment that diffuses any awkwardness.

Don’t treat it anything more than that. Why you’re even thinking about this 3 months out is more concerning. Those are your own separate issues that need to be addressed and resolved.

We work together at the same company. And today I actually bumped into her, but it was actually as you said 3 seconds without any words. Since the break up we saw each other in the office and outside multiple times. In all these cases - no communication.

I am wondering how to remain that confidence you have without seen your ex at that specific moment when you actually see her in person?

 

[GrowingPains]

 

[oldmanofthesea]

You maintain your confidence by not defining your self-worth based on whether one specific woman wants you or not. She didn't want you. Ok. Do you want every girl in the planet? Even fat, ugly, stupid ones? Should they think they are worthless because you, powersize, don't want to date them?

 

[powersize]

You maintain your confidence by not defining your self-worth based on whether one specific woman wants you or not. She didn't want you. Ok. Do you want every girl in the planet? Even fat, ugly, stupid ones? Should they think they are worthless because you, powersize, don't want to date them?

Damn. I like your point man. Will keep it easy and won't care for future.

 

[corrector]

Hey guys,

I have been doing NC with a girl who dumped me since early Feb 2019. To make story short i have been needy and unsecured. She has done a lot of red flags and dumped me via text. Since there i have never contacted her again and deleted from all social media.

My question is what is the right approach when i see her or bump into her, taking into account that hard break up experience?

Thanks

How have you been needy and unsecured? Are you saying that you understand how attraction works, and understood what lead to the break-up, or are you saying that you feel this way after the break-up?

How would you feel if you see her, or bump into her and she's laughing together and chatting with another guy next to her that looks hotter than you do? That is your worst case scenario. Can you handle that? If you can you have nothing to worry about and everything aside from that is a bonus.

 

[powersize]

How have you been needy and unsecured? Are you saying that you understand how attraction works, and understood what lead to the break-up, or are you saying that you feel this way after the break-up?

How would you feel if you see her, or bump into her and she's laughing together and chatting with another guy next to her that looks hotter than you do? That is your worst case scenario. Can you handle that? If you can you have nothing to worry about and everything aside from that is a bonus.

Man looking back on myself half year before I was like a blind child. The relations were ****ty cause of the stuff she has done which i did not like, but decided to accept with an intention to work on. Since the **** started i had more negative feelings than positive. My bad I kept working on it seeing how low she values me. I should walk away after the first couple of weeks. But yes, I walked through the forum and some books, and understood how you should deal with dating in general.

Answering on your question I probably will be mad. But not cause they are together, I will be mad cause of the stress i have experienced with her. Frankly, I don't care if she has someone right now.

 

[Serenity]

My question is what is the right approach when i see her or bump into her, taking into account that hard break up experience?

You should literally move on. As mentioned, nothing wrong with saying "hi" as you pass by, but don't stay for a conversation especially if you feel anything about her. Point is, don't react in any way.

 

[corrector]

Man looking back on myself half year before I was like a blind child. The relations were ****ty cause of the stuff she has done which i did not like, but decided to accept with an intention to work on. Since the **** started i had more negative feelings than positive. My bad I kept working on it seeing how low she values me. I should walk away after the first couple of weeks. But yes, I walked through the forum and some books, and understood how you should deal with dating in general.

Answering on your question I probably will be mad. But not cause they are together, I will be mad cause of the stress i have experienced with her. Frankly, I don't care if she has someone right now.

Okay so that looks like the textbook Nice Guy doormat scenario, you weren't a challenge enough for her and she kept s**t testing you within the relationship to see at what point you would show some backbone. You probably decided to work on her because you had no other options and she was the only girl showing you attention and you could not lose her, while to her, she has more options or is an alpha widow.

You probably learned all that with the dating books you have been reading and lurking on this forum. So, what people advise on here is not putting all your eggs in one basket with one girl. The problem if if you are operating from a scarcity mindset or position then the girl will always have an upper hand in the relationship. So it looks like you need to have more options and have an abundance mindset so it's natural for you in these positions to stand up for yourself and walk away if you need to. For example, you could start distancing yourself from her, subtly showing you are talking to other girls and have other options when she starts acting up and that should put her back in line.

What are you doing today towards getting to the goal of having an abundance mindset?

 

[powersize]

Okay so that looks like the textbook Nice Guy doormat scenario, you weren't a challenge enough for her and she kept s**t testing you within the relationship to see at what point you would show some backbone. You probably decided to work on her because you had no other options and she was the only girl showing you attention and you could not lose her, while to her, she has more options or is an alpha widow.

You probably learned all that with the dating books you have been reading and lurking on this forum. So, what people advise on here is not putting all your eggs in one basket with one girl. The problem if if you are operating from a scarcity mindset or position then the girl will always have an upper hand in the relationship. So it looks like you need to have more options and have an abundance mindset so it's natural for you in these positions to stand up for yourself and walk away if you need to. For example, you could start distancing yourself from her, subtly showing you are talking to other girls and have other options when she starts acting up and that should put her back in line.

What are you doing today towards getting to the goal of having an abundance mindset?

You know, I literally grew up with the believe that if you talk and go on dates with the multiple girls you are cheating towards them. And every time when i was meeting a new one i was completely focused on her just because it was RIGHT thing for me. And of course if i started meeting with a new girl i was considering her as a girlfriend from the spot.

A couple weeks ago I read somewhere that your confidence is directly related to the amount of other options (plans B) you have in your life.

So far I am going parting, Tinder app, and in general try to start a conversation with more or less pretty girls. The plan for the summer is to have fun and hook up.

 

[powersize]

The right attitude is every woman is just practice for the next one. Until all the bullsh!t from your personality is brought into light. As long as there is some lack of integrity somewhere in there, some woman is going to exploit it.

Man...from that perspective they are actually helping us to grow.

 

[RedZone]

If anything give a quick "hey, whats up" as you keep walking to wherever you are going. Wasn't dating but there was a girl I liked at my company (diff buildings) it didnt work out but if I do see her it's a short thing and I continue doing what I'm doing.

 

[powersize]

Hey guys,

What is the reason when your ex starting to speak with your friends right in front of you knowing that you ignore her?

I was at a party with my friends on Friday and my ex was with her friends as well. At some point she came and started speaking with my dudes right in front of me. And later at the end when we were sitting outside she came to say bye to them.

To make it clear i just had fun and ignored completely.

For me it just looks stupid. If there is the person I am trying to avoid what is the fking reason of coming to her buddies and make these awkward moments? Just distance yourself and enjoy the event.

 

[Spaz]

You need to learn to put aside ur egoism and work on being more determined.

That egoism is making you obsess over an ex, looking for clues and reasons to appease ur ego.

It's a useless pursuit that yields no profitability at all towards you being a man.

 

[powersize]

You need to learn to put aside ur egoism and work on being more determined.

That egoism is making you obsess over an ex, looking for clues and reasons to appease ur ego.

It's a useless pursuit that yields no profitability at all towards you being a man.

What do you mean under being more determined in that situation?

 

[Spaz]

What do you mean under being more determined in that situation?

It's the other way around.

Determined mindset creates situations that's profitable to you.

 

[powersize]

He means (I think, can't speak for Spaz) being more determined overall, in your sense of self but WITHOUT the ego. Sounds counter-intuitive. How can we improve the self while ignoring the ego?

In this case your ego is what is causing you to react and question and feel confused, hurt, wondering what to do. Why is that? Be honest. For most people in this scenario, it's about how we feel we are perceived: By her, by others, etc.

The truth is most people do not care. She has demonstrated that she doesn't. To the extent that anyone notices, it might be for a second before they get on with their lives. So why should you care? You're succumbing to an evolutionary trick of the ego...these mechanisms aren't perfect and don't always serve us best. It's trying to "protect" you but all it's doing is dragging you down.

The trap is when a man falls into gamesmanship and puts up a front. That can work here and there (a good one-liner) but it will cloud your thoughts, AND she might start to mirror you, making it even more awkward. It can get worse from there.

Here's a good mental exercise...if this girl says hello or butts in again or whatever, smile and think to yourself: "What a silly dork this girl is. I can't believe I let her fukk me, what a lucky broad. Now she's clowning around for attention. Honestly some other guy can fall into her web, glad I'm out of it...but hey, we can be friendly."

Then go grab a beer and talk to someone else. You work on your self by enjoying the moment on your terms.

Mate, that was my thought when she came to say bye. C'mon girl don't try it so hard.

I would not surprise to see her again around when my dudes organize a new party.

But in general she tried to show by these actions that she moved on i believe.