Lishy said:
A friend of mine has been with her boyfriend for 9 months and it all moved very quickly from the off.
She has 2 young kids (under 5) and he has no kids
He was going to move in with her and has bought her a big expensive fridge and sofa for her place BUT he told her last week that he thinks things are moving too fast and he needs to think about things. He has asked her for space to think and she is in pieces. This all came out of the blue for her
He lives with his mum and she has her own place
He told her he wants to collect a chair he bought for the place!
He has told her they are not together as he feels it is not fair dangling her on a string as he does not know what he wants! That is the biggest load of BS i have heard.
I know what I think but I thought I would ask you guys what your take is!
I think it is important to always consider the other person's feelings , beliefs, and limitations as valid to a degree.
Many people have not had the same experiences and opportunities as others.
This doesn't make them any lesser than you.
Some people have had a lot of expereice with true romantic love, marriage, and children...others have
not.
Is the one who has not any worse than the other?
Are you going to 'blame' someone for not feeling ready or prepared and being honest about it?
Not every one has a clear goal or has spent years making plans for when they get into a relationship or kids.
I think it's unfair to the man to call his feelings 'BS' if they are authentic.
It
is inconsiderate.
If he wants his chair back, give it to him.Big deal.
How petty is it to fight over a chair?
If it is a gift, but he wants it back, then you see a glimpse of his
character.
Which is probably
not very high
If you give a gift
genuinely, but you break up with the person. I dont think its good form to
ask for the gift back normally.
There may be exceptions, but I dont think so.
If he wants to break up, let him.
If he does it this way, then it's ok.
If he truly does not want a break or more time, he just wants to get the hell out of there, let him.
And dont be judgemental about it.
You will live through it.
Especially if you realize the guy did NOT actually want a break, he just wanted to break up.
Same goes for women.
Let her go.
This is why both sexes do not appreciate the "I need more time" excuse as an excuse to
BREAK UP. Because it is NOT REAL.
THAT is a
misapplication of a
priviledge. THAT is why people get mad.
It is not our RIGHT to
expect our potential partner to have to put up with our issue.
So when someone uses that excuse
falsely, then that is what can hurt us.
Try to remember that example.
And not use the 'I need more time or a break" or whatever, just to break up.
No one wants to hear that.
As much as it hurts, I believe honesty is the best policy.
It is better IMO to hurt as an honest person, than be caught in a lie as a liar and be untrustworthy.
Sometimes people get too close to a situation, and cannot be objective enough.
Sometimes they do need to step back and re evaluate the situation.
Somtimes love is not about being so impulsive, sometimes you do need to be more logical and practical.
It is extremely important to truly look at relationships in a realistic manner.
Far too many people get seriously involved with each other, when they are not in fact as compatible as they want to believe.
If a person wants a break, it can mean
many things.
In any case, it is
not anyone's right to judge or condemn or ridicule another's feelings, especially for their self doubt.
It is extremely easy to place BLAME on another for not following through.
When this happens, as this scenario, in which some people place BLAME on the other for 'taking some time' this means that the other partner is not getting their Ego/Narcissism Validated.
That's right.
When you get
angry at a person for doing something for themselves which is really not within your control, you are tapping into the immature ego based part of you.
If a person needs more time, let them have all the time they need.
We are NO ONE to 'decide' or 'judge' them for it.
Much less call their actions BS.
This goes for everyone, men and women.
Everyone has to realize that much of what they see around them as relationships are only ego stroking and validation, not true love. Be careful, and dont be fooled.
Love is loving someone even if theyre not with you.
Love is admiring them and respecting them and their decisions, and recognzing them for their character.
And being ok with that.
And being ok with their decisions even when it doesnt involve you.
Realizing that what they have in their Personal Boundary does not belong to you, will make you realize the world much clearer. And be less dependent on another's validation of you.
For many people, they arent happy alone. Im not saying to be happy in loneliness. Im saying to be living a life that fulfills you , so that a partner truly enhances and compliments your lifestyle, rather than them becoming the sole source of gratification.
I know it is easy to become attached to anotherm believe me I know. But it is imprtant to act rationally,
not out of fear.
This means that if you are not living a live that you feel good about, you will place too much burden on another to fulfill you.
Relationships dont work that way.
The world does not work that way.
In addition , when it does involve you, if you cant be strong enough to deal with it, you need to check
yourself, not them.
If a woman needs more space,
give it to her.
With
kindness and compassion.
You dont know what she went through, or her issues, or complications.
The same goes for a
man.
If a person wants to take a break or go slow, honor it and respect it.
Because
that is
true human compassion and love.
In the early stages of a relationship, it is a little difficult to already expect certain obligations from another. Be careful of assuming. And perhaps it is better to let the other slowly assume those obligations and responsibilities on their own time, than try to hurry them up, when they may not be ready.
Love can wax and wane.
However, there are ways to do the best you can to
keep love strong, and one of them is perhaps
not to judge or condemn the other so quickly.
If you are lacking compassion and understanding for another because your ego is not being validated, I suggest you take a serious look at your motivations for having a relationship.
Not everyone is perfectly ready to handle a mature , loving relationship right off the bat. Not everyone has had the same opportuities and experiences as you.
This does not make them lesser human beings, or liars.
We have no idea what is going on through their mind, or what goes on in their heart.
I know that many many people have serious abandonemnt issues.
This is what often fuels the shaming tactics and emasculation, and the insults and whatnot. From both men and women.
But this is not the right course to take
Ever.
You are no one to judge or condemn them.
They are trying to make sense in the only way they may know
how of what is happening. And it may not be what YOU do, or how YOU look at situations.
But the problems arise when you do not want to accept them as they are.
Tell me.
Is
that love?
I didnt think so.
But you will always be miserable if you look at others as failures and beneath you because they dont look at the world in the same exact way as you, or dont process emotions and events in the identical manner.
Remember this, you have had your experiences and opportunities.
This has helped shape your perceptions about the world.
So have other people.
They have had
their experiences,and sometimes
not the same opportunities you have had.
This doesnt mean we are any worse than each other.
Just different.
When we realize that no one on this planet is living here to live up to our expectations...
...and more often than not, very very few people are really
trying to hurt you
intentionally...
...then you can be a little more compassionate and a little less quick to snap judgements.
Can people be out of sync?
Yes, of course.
Does this mean they will be out of sync
forever?
No.
Can a person be not right for you now?
But perhaps perfect for you later?
Yes.
You dont have to live your life in a hurry.
No one is hurrying you up.
Perhaps what we all need to be aware of is to begin to demonstrate a little more compassion and love,than finger pointing,and shaming.
I know it is a little out of place here in the forum where people mostly come and whine and moan and complain about their situation and the opposite sex.
But we must strive for clarity and true maturity, and true perspective.
