The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[dude99]

I forget what day I'm up to now, I think 14 or so. Past couple days have been difficult. I've wanted to reach out to her, just tell her I miss her. Her not reaching out feels like she never cared.

If you reach out and validate her not only will you be back to day one, but you will delay your healing

 

[Don De Grey]

Great posts and advices from you all, keep posting.

Day 18.

Today has been tougher, for no particular reason. I guess it's normal to go highs & lows. I missed her company and felt like texting her (don't worry, I won't!), maybe really for the first time since BU. I always feared that with time passing, bad things will just fade to black while good things will persist in memories, making me wish to go back to her. I hope this won't happen.

I am keeping very busy and will do for the next days. Tuesday I'll go out with the girl (one of her friends) I feel some slight interest in, can't wait to.

Still going on reading this thread, I'm around page 180 now, found this link:

AT ANY COST - Saving your life after loving a borderline

Saving Your Life After Loving A Borderline. Certain aspects or common denominators are present in those who attach to Borderlines. People Pleaser types

sharischreiber.com

which may be helpful, I am considering that she may seriously suffer from BPD (just as her friends told me!), because the description fits almost perfectly!
Maybe I really dodged a huge bullet. I hope this will help me keeping up NC, main problem is still the same, sexual feelings and physical jealousy which HURT so badly and won't go away.

Great posts and advices from you all, keep posting.

Day 18.

Today has been tougher, for no particular reason. I guess it's normal to go highs & lows. I missed her company and felt like texting her (don't worry, I won't!), maybe really for the first time since BU. I always feared that with time passing, bad things will just fade to black while good things will persist in memories, making me wish to go back to her. I hope this won't happen.

I am keeping very busy and will do for the next days. Tuesday I'll go out with the girl (one of her friends) I feel some slight interest in, can't wait to.

Still going on reading this thread, I'm around page 180 now, found this link:

AT ANY COST - Saving your life after loving a borderline

Saving Your Life After Loving A Borderline. Certain aspects or common denominators are present in those who attach to Borderlines. People Pleaser types

sharischreiber.com

which may be helpful, I am considering that she may seriously suffer from BPD (just as her friends told me!), because the description fits almost perfectly!
Maybe I really dodged a huge bullet. I hope this will help me keeping up NC, main problem is still the same, sexual feelings and physical jealousy which HURT so badly and won't go away.

Regardless of how proficient or successful she is in her professional sphere, issues of an emotional nature make you feel like you're dealing with a little girl, who's living inside a woman's body

My jaw dropped when I read that paragraph, because I had basically said the same thing about my ex two days ago.

I had suspected she was CPTSD or BPD during the last two painful weeks of our relationship. One day I was at lunch with her and you could see her emotions change from angry to sad to hurt within a span of a few seconds. It was like watching Max Headroom.

 

[Don De Grey]

Day 22

I just found this site after reading the rational male after a buddy turned me on to his website. Needless to say I was doing everything wrong In classic AFC fashion.

My ex broke up with me a month ago, but started texting me 8 hours later, and like a chump I answered her for 10 days. I even went to go get coffee with her the last day of contact, I felt like she was coming around. She even grabbed my hand when we were drying back to work and squeezed like she did when we were dating.

The next day she sent me a link to an article about vaping killing people. Now she is allergic to a lot of things, even a certain laundry soap that I was using.

I replied telling her that the day she told me about the laundry detergent that I started cutting back on the nicotine and had a plan on tapering it to zero and quitting, not just for her health; but because it annoyed the **** out of her. Haven’t heard a word from her since.

 

[narcissist]

Okay so heres the break down of the relationship.

First year - amazing
Second year - amazing (I broke up with her for two months to game, then got back with her in an open relationship where I continued to have s3x with girls for another month or two [she didn't do anything with any guy - or so she says lol] then we got back into monogamy.
third year - little bumpy but still good, still lots of love/s3x, but she started to not respect me more and more because I lost touch with my masculinity.

The last three months were a train wreck.

I told her that I was breaking up with her in July, but that we could still be lovers - I told her I didn't want any rules and I didn't want to be committed, that our commitment was destroying our love (which at the time I thought it was). So she didn't take it too well, but because she was very attached to me she agreed. Then within the first week I slept with another girl and when she asked me if I did I said yes. I continued gaming and she continued to come around and see me very often (almost like we never broke up). I knew that she was talking/dating to guys but because I was in abundance I didn't care. Then school came. And my abundance disappeared because I didn't have time to spin plates. But she, on the other hand, got a new job as a waitress, and so her abundance skyrocketed. I could feel her slowly drifting, and I became depressed and anxious. It was so obvious to her too that I was like this. It reached boiling point when I told gave her an ultimatum: We either get back together into a monogamous relationship or we end it. She then told me that she was hooking up with her manager at work who is 14 years older than her. So that hit me hard and I couldn't hold back my emotions. She then agreed that we could go back to monogamy. This lasted only two weeks - In those two weeks I told myself that I would not let my jealousy get the best of me, and so I started to hit the gym, write a personal journal, meditate, go to school from morning to night mon-fri. It was working. I was far less jealous, and I thought "hmm, maybe this could still work out." Nope. She did not like the fact that I was channelling my inner masculinity again. She tasted the power of having more value than me and she couldn't bare going back to the way it was. We chilled only twice in those two weeks of monogamy - and at each moment she was trying to find ANYTHING to get mad at and get a reaction out of me, but I refused to react. I was calm, cool, collected, ****y, and funny. Didn't matter. The two weeks went by and thats when she came over... a couple days ago. she said the relationship was ruined and that she wasn't happy. I said "Okay, I respect your decision. Let me get your stuff. I will not be contacting you. Please, do not contact me."

And that was that.

I was in and out of the relationship/commitment for a little less than 4 years. I do feel like I destroyed the relationship because of 1) losing touch with my masculinity 2) moving from monogamy to open relationship.

bump

 

[narcissist]

Day 4. Feeling better today.. Probably only because I got a good response from some hot chick. So this indicates that my happiness for the time being is tethered to attention from women. This will have to be fixed over time. Right now, its okay. Plus, I have to get good with women again. For myself. It is what I always wanted, and I sold that dream to be in this 4 year relationship. Not the best decision. No more monogamous relationships for me for at least a decade. Just going to become a master of seduction. That is my goal.

 

[dude99]

Okay so heres the break down of the relationship.

First year - amazing
Second year - amazing (I broke up with her for two months to game, then got back with her in an open relationship where I continued to have s3x with girls for another month or two [she didn't do anything with any guy - or so she says lol] then we got back into monogamy.
third year - little bumpy but still good, still lots of love/s3x, but she started to not respect me more and more because I lost touch with my masculinity.

The last three months were a train wreck.

I told her that I was breaking up with her in July, but that we could still be lovers - I told her I didn't want any rules and I didn't want to be committed, that our commitment was destroying our love (which at the time I thought it was). So she didn't take it too well, but because she was very attached to me she agreed. Then within the first week I slept with another girl and when she asked me if I did I said yes. I continued gaming and she continued to come around and see me very often (almost like we never broke up). I knew that she was talking/dating to guys but because I was in abundance I didn't care. Then school came. And my abundance disappeared because I didn't have time to spin plates. But she, on the other hand, got a new job as a waitress, and so her abundance skyrocketed. I could feel her slowly drifting, and I became depressed and anxious. It was so obvious to her too that I was like this. It reached boiling point when I told gave her an ultimatum: We either get back together into a monogamous relationship or we end it. She then told me that she was hooking up with her manager at work who is 14 years older than her. So that hit me hard and I couldn't hold back my emotions. She then agreed that we could go back to monogamy. This lasted only two weeks - In those two weeks I told myself that I would not let my jealousy get the best of me, and so I started to hit the gym, write a personal journal, meditate, go to school from morning to night mon-fri. It was working. I was far less jealous, and I thought "hmm, maybe this could still work out." Nope. She did not like the fact that I was channelling my inner masculinity again. She tasted the power of having more value than me and she couldn't bare going back to the way it was. We chilled only twice in those two weeks of monogamy - and at each moment she was trying to find ANYTHING to get mad at and get a reaction out of me, but I refused to react. I was calm, cool, collected, ****y, and funny. Didn't matter. The two weeks went by and thats when she came over... a couple days ago. she said the relationship was ruined and that she wasn't happy. I said "Okay, I respect your decision. Let me get your stuff. I will not be contacting you. Please, do not contact me."

And that was that.

I was in and out of the relationship/commitment for a little less than 4 years. I do feel like I destroyed the relationship because of 1) losing touch with my masculinity 2) moving from monogamy to open relationship.

Sounds like the milk went bad Narcissist. Like you said she got the taste of thinking she was higher value than you and didnt want to go back to the way things were.

I hate to say it but once the milk goes bad you can never fix it. Channel your time, energy and resources into the next one. Focus on yourself.

 

[narcissist]

Day 5. Feel good today. Did about 6-7 approaches.

 

[narcissist]

Sounds like the milk went bad Narcissist. Like you said she got the taste of thinking she was higher value than you and didnt want to go back to the way things were.

I hate to say it but once the milk goes bad you can never fix it. Channel your time, energy and resources into the next one. Focus on yourself.

Exactly.

 

[narcissist]

Day 6.

 

[narcissist]

Nothing interesting really. "Hi, how are you, I Hope you are fine" etc. BS

When we broke up I told her to contact me during her trip abroad to wrote her experience etc. (It was just cordial BS to split in civil manner, I knew she won't contact me when abroad and she didn't).

She contacted me after she came back to the city. IDGAF really. I wrote her couple cordial lines and wished her good day. I don't plan to contact her again, she phucked it up, it's not my mess to clean.

Did you reply this time?

 

[MacXD]

Does the no contact rule only apply with ex girlfriends or can it be used to make a girl you like miss you?

 

[bcude]

Does the no contact rule only apply with ex girlfriends or can it be used to make a girl you like miss you?

As a general rule yes, but it also depends on what kind of impression you made during contact. If she invested emotions and feelings, if you sparked the attraction then she will miss you. A little absence only makes the heart grow fonder. You should be living a busy life going after your goals anyway so you won't have the time to attend to her all the time naturally.

 

[dude99]

Does the no contact rule only apply with ex girlfriends or can it be used to make a girl you like miss you?

It is for you to heal. It is for you to move on. Either from an ex or a friend, what ever you want to call her, but the point is your healing. Not a tool to manipulate someone else.

 

[MacXD]

As a general rule yes, but it also depends on what kind of impression you made during contact. If she invested emotions and feelings, if you sparked the attraction then she will miss you. A little absence only makes the heart grow fonder. You should be living a busy life going after your goals anyway so you won't have the time to attend to her all the time naturally.

Thanks bcude. That's exactly my aim but not sure if she'll be the one to initiate contact. I made the mistake of constantly texting her on a daily basis and believe I came across needy. So I'm trying to break that and haven't contacted her for 3 weeks.

Oh and I can't ask her out on a date. She lives abroad. If she doesn't get in contact it's not the end of the world.

 

[narcissist]

So weird but Im feeling great. Spinning plates is a sure fire way to get over a break up.

 

[goodbyehorses]

So weird but Im feeling great. Spinning plates is a sure fire way to get over a break up.

Absolutely right!

Day 25.

Yesterday and today I am feeling better, maybe due to the fact I'm going to have lunch with this girl I like a lot! And tomorrow I'm spending time with the other chick. Moreover, yesterday 'she' watched my stories again. Is it so boring her time abroad? This morning I went for a run after two months without exercise, it felt great. Keep moving on brothers!

 

[narcissist]

Day 7. Have a date tonight with a cutie. Feeling good. Forgot my wallet at work and so I cant go to school today (no way of commuting)... this is a bummer. My house is tainted and I do not want to be home.

 

[narcissist]

Today sucked fcking d1ck.

Missed school, got flaked on last minute, kind of ruined the plate by basically telling her to stop messaging me and wasting my time, and broke nofap.

Feel like sh1t.

 

[DelayedGratification]

Today sucked fcking d1ck.

Missed school, got flaked on last minute, kind of ruined the plate by basically telling her to stop messaging me and wasting my time, and broke nofap.

Feel like sh1t.

Just keep on keepin' on. I've been in a crap headspace since Monday morning, no single concrete reason I can point to. Just a bunch of little setbacks, headwinds, all on top of some additional life responsibilities that will get better in a couple of weeks but in the meantime it's a slog.

The reason spinning plates helps you heal faster is that it simply gives you something to look forward to again, rather than looking backward. So do something---anything---that gives you something to look forward to.

For me, I have my first piano-karaoke meetup in two days. Last week I got early access to concert tix for a group I really like, so I bought two tickets and now I have something forward to with my GF. Unfortunately the latter won't pay off until December, but the act of planning and purchasing was worth a few days of glow in the moment.

Forward. Onward. Self care.

 

[narcissist]

Day 8.