The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[SoSuave666]

3 weeks NC
Hi, this is the first time posting on a forum about my personal relationship with my now ex girlfriend. I have read many posts and watched too many you tube videos and how to get your ex back video's but I still feel the need to tell my story if not to help me, maybe I can help someone else who might go down the path I went and lost an amazing relationship that I'm moving on from ever so slowly. But I am and I will.

So I was 27 at the time and only have had sex with one other woman up until then and it was nothing serious just a nice woman a few years older than me who found me attractive but I of course fell for her and she said sorry kid ( I was 19 she was 23 at the time) and that was that. Not a big deal since no long relationship was formed.
Fast forward and I meet a wonderful woman who at the time was 19 but quite mature for her age and i was 27. I know the age gap doesnt sound good but I was not very experienced yet in the dating world even at that age so I thought I would give it a go. My best friend told me to go for it because he knew my situation and that I was a shyer guy although I was confident and so I took her out and we hit it off. Her mother and I were actually friends for a quite some time and then I met her daughter and she even approved of me asking her out.
Everything was amazing for 2-3 years between us, we hardly fought and if we did it was resolved quickly and we both comunicated pretty well to another considering our inexperience with relationships. Our sex life was great. In the 4th year I realized but didnt actully realize about my outlook on life and mental state and how i started shutting out my friends, family, passions and hobbies to try to be around her as much as possible because she made me feel so Great when I was with her and I forgot to mention we'd been living together for almost 3 out of the 4 years. I didnt have a fulfilling job all this time, it paid the Bill's but I hated it. I stayed because of complacency and to be honest It was easy lazy work. Also, I was her first so now that I look back I realize why it was good and ok for her to be with me in this state for so long but as I mentioned this last year things started to change.

I became much more negative in my daily life without fully realizing it. She said things to help but I didnt pick up on it all the times she did and I kept spiraling down. Before i knew it I just wanted to get work done every day and get home as soon as I could to be with her as much as possible. She was going to college full time and working full time so eventhough we lived together many nights were spent with her at the computer doing homework and me playing video games on the tv.
We started fighting more as she said she wanted to go out and do more and I told her i would compromise but then after a few more months similar discussions would arise again. Dont get me wrong, I loved this girl with all my heart and would always encourage her and when she was upset I would always cheer her up. I would surprise her with chocolate and flowers. I would make her laugh, Take her out to dinner and the movies, I treated her like my queen and she treated me like her king for a long time. About 4 months ago I yelled at her and argued literally about nothing because inside I was depressed and didnt love myself anymore(I now realize). My friends never called to hang out and I never called them. I didn't see any of my family hardly ever. I didnt go out and pursue my own passions and desires, I was riding on the coat tails of an amazing person I was watching soar higher and higher while I was weighed down and stuck by this invisible at the time but unbearable pressure of not being good enough anymore and feeling left behind.
She told me that day when I asked if she was still in love with me and she responded she loved me but didnt think she was In love with me anymore. I was devastated to say the least because I was and still am madly in love with this soul, this person that has brought me such happiness and joy but somehow I wasnt able to give her that same feeling anymore. She left for her moms that day and i sat at home crying trying to figure out what to say or do. I'll tell you guys right now the biggest mistake I made was not calling a close friend, or parent to discuss what was happening and how I could fix it if possible. I wrote a very mushy letter stating how sorry I was and asking for another chance which she did. I was so happy but my biggest mistake again was I thought I could fix it on my own and the truth was I couldn't. I didnt have the knowledge or experience to know what was happening to make her have these feelings. 2 months later (about 5 weeks ago) the day after my birthday it just came up again and she said she still felt the same and just wasn't in love eventhough she loved me and was very confused like me as to why she felt this. I knew eventhough I wanted to fix it so so bad that I had to listen to her this time and we broke up after 4 years. 3 of which were absolutely amazing.

To wrap things up, if this resonates with any of you guys I'll tell you that your going through some form of depression or maybe not quite as bad but you started to or did lose yourself along the way and may not love yourself at the moment. I want someone on here to say I have a chance still but I've read enough stories to know I need to let go and become the man I know I have the potential to be. Even at 32 years old I feel like I have a purpose again and am going back to college and getting my life on track more than its ever been in my entire life. I've reconnected with my close friends and family, go to the gym 5 days a week and found a new job making more than I have before. I still hope one day when I have reached my goals maybe this woman who really had no choice but to leave someone who emotionally drained her after a year of living with someone who didnt love themself that I may have the universe connect her back with me.

Sorry for the length but it feels good to write this down and if by chance someone reads this before it's too late, they may have the real second chance that I wasnt able to create to keep someone who I feel truly got me and did love me and accept me for who I was until I stopped accepting me for who I was....

These are some of my favorite posts on sosuave for a couple reasons:

1. We have all been there. Trust me, it gets easier.
2. I now get to track your progress to becoming a better version of yourself
3. It reminds me why women are to not be trusted at a deep emotional level

I remember my first truly devastating breakup. I was so motivated to get her back that I got a bomb-ass job, lost about 25 lbs, and increased my social circle 10x. It was for the wrong reasons, but I've never felt a motivation for self improvement like that before. Use it to your advantage, which it sounds like you are doing. I miss that burning motivation, never felt anything like it.

NC is for your own benefit, not to try and get her back. The sad paradox is that in order to get her back in the right circumstance, you do actually have to move on and when she comes back, you aren't interested anymore. It's in the first scene from the movie Swingers and they absolutely nailed it. You will pretend to move on for the first bit, then you actually will move on and find other women to fill the void. Hopefully you will find another one you liked MORE than her. And that's when she will come back into your orbit.

In order for you to move on you must go NC, you must go out with friends, you must improve your life. Any contact from her is to be ignored. You do not reply. You delete her number, remove her from social media, and get on with your life. So many new women for you to meet especially in a college town. Good luck man and always post here in this thread if you are feeling the urge to text her. It's vitally important to remain NC.

 

[Totallykile]

These are some of my favorite posts on sosuave for a couple reasons:

1. We have all been there. Trust me, it gets easier.
2. I now get to track your progress to becoming a better version of yourself
3. It reminds me why women are to not be trusted at a deep emotional level

I remember my first truly devastating breakup. I was so motivated to get her back that I got a bomb-ass job, lost about 25 lbs, and increased my social circle 10x. It was for the wrong reasons, but I've never felt a motivation for self improvement like that before. Use it to your advantage, which it sounds like you are doing. I miss that burning motivation, never felt anything like it.

NC is for your own benefit, not to try and get her back. The sad paradox is that in order to get her back in the right circumstance, you do actually have to move on and when she comes back, you aren't interested anymore. It's in the first scene from the movie Swingers and they absolutely nailed it. You will pretend to move on for the first bit, then you actually will move on and find other women to fill the void. Hopefully you will find another one you liked MORE than her. And that's when she will come back into your orbit.

In order for you to move on you must go NC, you must go out with friends, you must improve your life. Any contact from her is to be ignored. You do not reply. You delete her number, remove her from social media, and get on with your life. So many new women for you to meet especially in a college town. Good luck man and always post here in this thread if you are feeling the urge to text her. It's vitally important to remain NC.

These are some of my favorite posts on sosuave for a couple reasons:

1. We have all been there. Trust me, it gets easier.
2. I now get to track your progress to becoming a better version of yourself
3. It reminds me why women are to not be trusted at a deep emotional level

I remember my first truly devastating breakup. I was so motivated to get her back that I got a bomb-ass job, lost about 25 lbs, and increased my social circle 10x. It was for the wrong reasons, but I've never felt a motivation for self improvement like that before. Use it to your advantage, which it sounds like you are doing. I miss that burning motivation, never felt anything like it.

NC is for your own benefit, not to try and get her back. The sad paradox is that in order to get her back in the right circumstance, you do actually have to move on and when she comes back, you aren't interested anymore. It's in the first scene from the movie Swingers and they absolutely nailed it. You will pretend to move on for the first bit, then you actually will move on and find other women to fill the void. Hopefully you will find another one you liked MORE than her. And that's when she will come back into your orbit.

In order for you to move on you must go NC, you must go out with friends, you must improve your life. Any contact from her is to be ignored. You do not reply. You delete her number, remove her from social media, and get on with your life. So many new women for you to meet especially in a college town. Good luck man and always post here in this thread if you are feeling the urge to text her. It's vitally important to remain NC.

Thank you for your words, it helps a lot. I will keep updating and I do have that underlying feeling of maybe a week from now or another month or half a year if I find my self and balance in life and am just grateful for everything I have I would like to try again with this woman because she feels special to me in many ways. But I'm sure your also right this being my first true love its hard for me to conceptualize another woman filling those shoes.
She accepted me for everything I was and wasn't until I stopped loving and accepting me and life was not fun any more for her and truthfully I probably would still be feeling that way had this breakup not happened. Like i mentioned before, I wish I had the notion of asking for help instead of keeping everything to myself thinking I could make it right without having any experience and real knowledge on how do keep that spark alive like I know I could have in her. I feel like my situation is slightly different because she was so nice and I respect her greatly and she never cheated and always made time for me.
I just overwhelmed her with my addiction to feel her love all the time. Being happy on your own and keeping a healthy balance in life of friends, family, career and your hobbies and passions is so important to keeping that spark so you dont extstingish
and make that light disappear. Thanks again for responding.

 

[powersize]

Day 46

Soon it is gonna be more days than I actually dated with her. Have no idea why she is still in my head, for the relations with a period 1 year and more it sounds more reasonable.

That is my first NC experience and so far I am emotionally more stable than a month before a break up. Definitely less stress and it feels like a life before i met her, with an exception of some flashbacks during evenings. I am trying to keep in mind those negative things i have experienced being with her.

Finally I can focus on studying German and a bit Spanish (which was challenging with all these emotions), took a professional course which i have being thinking about for a very long time, planning to move out to downtown in the next 2-3 months to have easier access to bars and clubs, and to start gym or take some boxing lessons.

 

[soulforge]

Week 5 NC

Feeling a mixture of emotions over the last few days.

In one hand, I feel she totally did me a FAVOUR by ending it.

After some time apart from her, I realise I was WASTING my years away, on a LDR that would have failed no matter what.

The reason why I went along with this LDR was because I felt she was a quality girl, and quality girls are RARE to find these days.

I feel quite angry with myself, as I should have asked myself where this relationship was going, and bailed out of it sooner.

I was only looking at the short term, and not the long term!

I also feel a little saddened because I doubt I will meet another girl, with good MORALS and overall a good nature again.


However my plan is to meet and BANG as many woman as possible over the next years or so, maybe I will get lucky and meet a chick, who isn't all that bad, and is more suitable for a committed relationship.

 

[SoSuave666]

Week 5 NC

Feeling a mixture of emotions over the last few days.

In one hand, I feel she totally did me a FAVOUR by ending it.

After some time apart from her, I realise I was WASTING my years away, on a LDR that would have failed no matter what.

The reason why I went along with this LDR was because I felt she was a quality girl, and quality girls are RARE to find these days.

I feel quite angry with myself, as I should have asked myself where this relationship was going, and bailed out of it sooner.

I was only looking at the short term, and not the long term!

I also feel a little saddened because I doubt I will meet another girl, with good MORALS and overall a good nature again.


However my plan is to meet and BANG as many woman as possible over the next years or so, maybe I will get lucky and meet a chick, who isn't all that bad, and is more suitable for a committed relationship.

You are projecting quality on to her. She is not quality, she is simply a woman. She left you via text message for her ex after two years. That ain't quality bruv. You are lucky she left you - take the opportunity to meet new/better women. NEXT

 

[soulforge]

You are projecting quality on to her. She is not quality, she is simply a woman. She left you via text message for her ex after two years. That ain't quality bruv. You are lucky she left you - take the opportunity to meet new/better women. NEXT

Well mate, thats the funny thing.. I am infact LUCKY, because I was wasting precious years on someone, who had nothing long term to offer.

And agreed... Two years ended with a cowardly chitty text message, is LOW man.. Maybe I didn't know her that well after all.

 

[soulforge]

I do feel a lost opportunity though guys.

Because of the cowardly way she ended it, I think she deserved for me to message her back, and give her some home truths..

I wasn't feeling it for her sexualy anymore, damn I didn't even used to cvm half of the time.

I could have just messaged back and confirmed I wasn't feeling her anymore, and was happy with it ending.

But apparently... Ghosting her and saying NOTHING pizzes them off even more... I'm not so sure about that lol

Sometimes chit needs to be said.

 

[soulforge]

I definitely don't want her back or to speak to her again. Quite looking forward to moving on with my life.

However.. What is the best DJ move here.

Send her a Text, thanking her for ending things & letting her know, even though she behaved like a coward in the end, I am happy with the decision.

Or keep ghosting her like I have so far?

Which is the most effective option!

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Received message from my Onetiss-ex. Still didn't meet anyone better than her (it's been over 14 months without her). Feels strange.

Replied back. Asked what's going on in her life. Weird feeling.

Why arent they "better"?

 

[mrgoodstuff]

She was virgin when I met her, she was hot and early 30's (yeah, sounds incredible, but she had high standards, decent education, traditional family) she scared away easy-phuckers with her rigid principles. Eventualy she was awesome in bed and I was her first man, I taught her many things. I really felt loved by her at some point.

She was crazy (borderline) and narcisstic and I still think about her. I wanted to kill myself when she ended it with me. Dopamine spike & drop was like falling from a skyscraper on your head. I literally felt dead for about a year and still don't feel 100% 'complete'.

Yea its best when you coach them. Makes it yours.

 

[soulforge]

She was virgin when I met her, she was hot and early 30's (yeah, sounds incredible, but she had high standards, decent education, traditional family) she scared away easy-phuckers with her rigid principles. Eventualy she was awesome in bed and I was her first man, I taught her many things. I really felt loved by her at some point.

She was crazy (borderline) and narcisstic and I still think about her. I wanted to kill myself when she ended it with me. Dopamine spike & drop was like falling from a skyscraper on your head. I literally felt dead for about a year and still don't feel 100% 'complete'.

Wow long time.. You should be over her.

Sometimes you don't meet anyone better, but they are better in other ways.

For example my previous Ex was hot, good looking, great career, nice house and car etc.. Good sex!

But she was a pain in the azz.. difficult woman!

My current ex was the opposite.. Average looking but with a banging body.. Average career, no money or education.

She had a innocence and naivity about her though, that I grew to love.

You will meet other woman, and maybe they won't match up with your ex, but try to find something else you can love about them.

 

[SoSuave666]

Thanks for lifting me up, those memories are hard to bear sometimes.

You know what people with personality disorders do? They feed your ego. It's manipulation to the nth degree. With a virgin I imagine it is especially tough especially when it comes to a male's sexual ego."

"Oh my God your d!ck is so big and feels great"
"I came 3 times how the fvck did you do that?"
"I can barely take you all the way"
"Im yours daddy fvck me in the ass I'm all yours"
"I could sit here and cvm over and over from you"
"You were worth the wait"

Gotta understand what's going on here. If you can learn to see them as the manipulation tactic of a deranged person it may help. Anyone who has been with a BPD understands why you feel the way you do and why even after 14 months you can't find someone better. The idea is that what she was feeding you was not her. It was the version of her that she knew you wanted the most. You may not ever meet a woman like that again because they don't exist...your ideal does not exist. There are flaws in every human

 

[soulforge]

You know what people with personality disorders do? They feed your ego. It's manipulation to the nth degree. With a virgin I imagine it is especially tough especially when it comes to a male's sexual ego."

"Oh my God your d!ck is so big and feels great"
"I came 3 times how the fvck did you do that?"
"I can barely take you all the way"
"Im yours daddy fvck me in the ass I'm all yours"
"I could sit here and cvm over and over from you"
"You were worth the wait"

Gotta understand what's going on here. If you can learn to see them as the manipulation tactic of a deranged person it may help. Anyone who has been with a BPD understands why you feel the way you do and why even after 14 months you can't find someone better. The idea is that what she was feeding you was not her. It was the version of her that she knew you wanted the most. You may not ever meet a woman like that again because they don't exist...your ideal does not exist. There are flaws in every human

Woman in general are GREAT fuking ACTORS.. They will manipulate or make you believe they are this genuine caring loving person.. But one day, you will see EXACTLY whom and what they are.. Actors.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

That was the thing that went nuclear on my head - the thought that "she is mine". This idea almost destroyed me.

You were listening to the game. You were in a prime position for a outstanding LTR.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Woman in general are GREAT fuking ACTORS.. They will manipulate or make you believe they are this genuine caring loving person.. But one day, you will see EXACTLY whom and what they are.. Actors.

OMFG. Wow

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Woman in general are GREAT fuking ACTORS.. They will manipulate or make you believe they are this genuine caring loving person.. But one day, you will see EXACTLY whom and what they are.. Actors.

So they dont care bout no one?

 

[soulforge]

So they dont care bout no one?

I'm sure they do on some level, as long as there needs are being met.. attention, financial.

 

[Totallykile]

I guess over a month now has passed. I'm about to sound like the biggest loser on this forum ever probably but I don't care and I don't know why I care to even post because I know the answer is my mind set and that I have one-itis and that there's always more and time heals etc. but my story is unique in sh!tty way I'm pretty sure.
I've filled my mind the past month with so much of this knowledge and information yet I dont feel any of it soaking in and connecting with me the least bit. I know none of you have a magic wand but I dont know what else to do at this point in my day to day life. I wrote a week ago in this thread explaining how it went down mostly with my ex and I but to get more clear I'm 32 and she is 23 now. As embarrassing as it it for me to admit I didnt get laid through highschool because I was super shy and insecure about myself for sure. Had opportunities but i got so nervous and in my head to where i was in the act on 2 different occasions with 2 different girls and couldn't perform and looked like the biggest dumbass they'd ever seen probably(not probably, 100%). Went to community college for one year and never attempted to even hit on a girl there. Big surprise, Never got laid.
Now I was 19 and in my other post I mentioned at that time a girl that was 23 liked me at work and wanted to bang. I instantly fell for her and she just wanted a **** buddy. I told her i still had the v card one day after we got Intimate and that made her obviously completely uninterested but she liked me alot so she invited me one last time and banged me out which was awesome but then we stopped chilling for obvious reasons (I liked her even more after and she wasnt looking for none of that). So after that I wanted pretty much my whole 20's not even going out on dates or hitting on many girls at all. I have a best friend I grew up with who is for sure a Chad btw and he always said I was good enough looking I just didnt apply myself in any manner whenever we went out to bars or clubs. (7+ woman would walk up and hit on him all the time when we were out too) also throughout all these years I never found a passion that I knew I wanted to direct towards a career so I worked decent jobs but nothing that was fulfilling in any way or made me feel good about myself at all. I had a good social circle from friends I had throughout highschool and jobs but not many female's. I went to bars and clubs for the next couple years and was so insecure and not confident that I would think maybe "she'll" walk up and say "your hot" and I'll find the girl of my dreams which was obviously never going to happen because I did hold a pretty high standard in my mind and life isn't a Disney movie. In my head I'd always been the "nice guy" who just wanted to find "the one" and would tell myself " I dont want one night stands or s!utty girls". I'll wait for the one.
After reading through this forum for the last month I now realize I was the ultimate beta of betas and was just going down a hole I would never dig myself out of if I kept up this way of thinking.
But I held this as a belief in my mind so opportunity after opportunity passed me by through the YEARS. Fast forward to when I'm 27 (5years ago) and I'm still as inexperienced as a freshman in college with about an much confidence with woman as one as well. I still have no great job, i was living at my grandparents to pay a new car off I never should have bought oh and I smoked pot every day and lived paycheck to paycheck. Pretty much the complete loser package I know, I know.
I have alot of friends and I'm good guy I just wanted a good girl to love and treat right and have that reciprocated. So my best friend knew this girl through other mutual friends and figured she'd be a good fit for me because she was 19 at the time and a virgin and considering everything I might as well been as well. So we hit it off and started dating right away. She liked me ALOT being her first real love Interest, and I didnt feel so nervous and Insecure because of her age i guess and she was kinda nerdy and shy as well but had a bangin body and she was born in Russia and could speak it and it was just very attractive all around. So things went real well, we moved in together after just 3 months I think and have been ever since. Up until she broke up with me 1 1/2 months ago. I wrote most why in my last post but overall I just stopped meeting her needs as a man still having most of the same habits I carried through my adult life(if you can call it adult, more like a grown boy) she finally saw that I was just clinging to her and didnt care about my own life at all anymore. Like mentioned I stopped going out with my own friends or doing anything on my own. I felt secure because of how we met and I was her first I guess that we'd work it out but boy was I wrong. I now realize after it's too late of course that eventhough I never cheated, always made her a priority and really loved and cared for her with my entire soul, that in fact was my downfall. I read on here every day how a DJ should act and live. Although I dont believe everything on here, I do value a TON of the knowledge and Information on this site for a f!ckup like me in the world of being in relationships with women or lack there of.
So anyway the reason for my post I'm not really sure I guess...I feel like a failure. I'm 32 years old and 23 year old girl dumped me which makes me feel more pathetic than anything else In my life because I couldnt meet the basic needs of this girl anymore after 4 years. I'm starting over with a little more experience I guess, but was it really because of how easy it was and fell Into my lap...? I still f'ed it up In the end. I fell more empty than i ever had because i emotionally invested my everything into this person who also did but then so easily just left and I'm sure is much happier because who would wanna be with a 32 year old man with no aspirations or set goals in life. No great job or passions. Never went out and socialized with his friends and family alone and suffocated her by trying to be with her 24/7. I realize now no matter how much I thought if I tell her I love her and f!ck her with my all and try to be a good man to her, that in fact that's not what she was looking for at all in a partner once she was a little older and saw what else was out there.
I know how far behind I am and I feel like trying to play catch up at this point in my life it's like the donkey and the carrot and no matter how much I run I'll never meet the needs of a good woman. I dont know how to not be emotionally invested in a relationship. I dont know how to juggle multiple woman at once and get the feeling that I can just let one go and pick up another. I dont know how to feel like IDGAF. I'm just really lost I guess.... damn that's a pathetic story but a good laugh for someone I'm sure.

 

[guru1000]

@soulforge , outside of no LDRs, what have you learned about yourself from this ex? Why was this lesson necessary for your growth?

Let these questions sit in your consciousness for some time and ruminate. Answers will come.

 

[SoSuave666]

@Totallykile PM me I am happy to offer advice.

Again, a lot of people have felt what you are feeling right now. I personally haven't gone through your story, but I can offer some tangible advice as a 32 yo myself.