The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Murk]

Ok just signing in, split with my gf of 9 months last week.

She didn't drunk call me this weekend, I've hit the game hard and have a 19 year old chubby girl coming over tuesday, a date for midweek with a girl ve ****ed twice and a date on Friday, also have a date penciled in for jan 31st which is a few wednesdays away.

I felt a bit nostalgic about the split at first but realised that I can focus on myself now and date/bang much hotter chicks without the stress of my previous relationship,

The only way is up. Stay strong brothers.

 

[Gan]

Day 52 (or 5?) of NC

She broke contact 7 days ago. She sent me a text message asking me a question. I replied two days later and she immediately tried to have a regular conversation with me. It felt a little off considering she was the one that stopped talking to me, so I ignored her. I won't let her pop back in to my life whenever she pleases, cause that's f*cked up. I'm all for reconciliation as long as she owns up to her mistakes.

 

[Murk]

Day 5

The realisation that we will not see each other is weird. I need to bang new girls ASAP! That's the only way to get this girl out of my mind right?

 

[IggyStooge]

No contact 1 week.

 

[European-DJ]

Day 5:
Today I sincerely feel like ****. I woke up multiple times at night with the urge to check my phone to see whether she had written.

I was confident she would write me over the weekend, but I can conclude that she hasn’t. This might have been the reason that I haven’t felt too sad during the first couple of days, as I was sure she would reinitiate contact by today.

As suggested, I took an outside perspective of the situation and it made me realize how I’m sitting and mourning, while she’s most likely out having heaps of fun with friends and dates.

I believe the major pain point in this “break-up” is going to be the question of whether I truly “mattered” to her.
When you invest a lot of yourself in someone you would like to see it reciprocated - if she was never to reach out again, I would feel utterly cheated.

Day 10:
Man do things get easier after the first week. I’ve barely thought about her the last few days.

I doubted whether it would be an easy fix to get over her, as fvcking two new girls had no dampening effect on my “sadness”. However, this Friday I laid a girl whom I had been trying to lay in my late teens. Way over the usual girls I land, a real HB9, and it gave me a huge confidence boost.

I’ve been playing it cool with the HB9, while arranging some casual dates with my two old FB’s. This should keep my insecurities at bay. I’ve come to realize that my insecurities are the prime driver for initially wanting to get back together with the girl, however, with the knowledge that I can still pull, she’s become much less of a problem for me.

 

[Murk]

Day 6 still feel a bit sad/nostalgic, and now thinking plunging straight into dating isn't what I need right now. Still plan to smash the chick coming over tomorrow but don't think I wanna take on board anything new. Will work in fitness and saving money for the next few months until the summer, good plan?

 

[RedScorpion]

Hi everyone, first post and I don’t know where else to put this but I need to vent somewhere.

Let me start by saying I’m a scumbag. I’m married and I stupidly fell in love with a coworker. Who was in a long term relationship herself. I know. Apart from a sexually charged drunken kiss and a vast number of lunch/coffee dates it’s gone no further - a combination of both our guilt & me being a beta ****.

In order to try and save my marriage I quit my job before Christmas. We were both upset by this, clearly. At the Christmas party she barely spoke to me.

I’ve gone ‘No contact’ for 30 days now. I’m a grown man and I’ve cried over this - I never cry. It’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and although I have better days they are mainly bad ones. I dream about her, I think about her first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Distractions are temporary help, I’m lifting and doing new hobbies.

Here’s what I need advice with please:

Last time I saw her I told her I wasn’t going to contact her in case it caused problems with her boyfriend who phuvking hates me for obvious reasons. I gave her my email address.

She hasn’t reached out at all.

Here’s the complication. My company has threatened legal action for taking their clients. They won’t win, but it’s entirely possible that everyone in the company has been told not to contact me for this reason.

It’s the not knowing that’s the hardest thing. If I knew she was ignoring me because she didn’t care then I’d be ok with that and move on. But what if she’s crying herself to sleep every night over me, has decided to leave her boyfriend for me but can’t tell me?

It’s unlikely that we’ll bump into each other ever again although I could engineer it given some persistence and luck.

What do I do from here? Keep up the NC, or try to get in touch with her somehow?

First, I'll say - don't be so hard on yourself. You did the right thing, even if it took a bit later than it could have been. As odd as it may sound - it's good in a sense that you're feeling guilt over this, as this shows you have some sense of empathy towards your wife and the situation. Some men and women have no such culpability in them - and so they create much harder lives for everyone around them because of this. So don't feel entirely bad.

Not knowing is going to be very tough - but I would try to limit the speculation. It's your heart trying to look for ways back in and connect with her, and drive it back to full engagement. Hoping and wanting that 'dream' of reconnecting and confessing love and all that. But this is all just hopeful fantasies, to please the mind. And ultimately absorb you more.

Look at it this way. She has a method to communicate with you. You clearly gave her an 'in' to contact you if she truly wanted to. If she was crying over you, and couldn't bear to be without you - she would circumvent that theoretical 'no contact' by the company, and write you. Especially because you specifically gave her your email. Rules wouldn't stop **** - she could create another email and contact you under an alias and such. Regardless - she would path a way to contact you. But she hasn't.

You didn't close the door completely on her in any case - but I think you and her are both mature enough to know the reality of the situation here. And you know what you want as well, since you've already made a big step towards it - the survival, and hopefully revival of your marriage. Think of trying to respark that love with your wife as a goal.

Remember that the things we cannot have - always seem to be of even higher value. You'll have to overcome this. And time will help. The trick is not to feed the negative emotions and feedback you're giving yourself. "I messed up. I ****ed up. I threw what we had away. It's all my fault." as an example. Try to stop yourself as soon as you start getting into it. Think of your wife or other things. I think we tend to 'love' the things we think of most, as some kind of feedback reinforcement.

Anyway. You're doing the right thing. Keep pushing through. That goes for everyone else as well.

 

[Murk]

Day 7

In the barbers on my lunch break getting a nice trim. I got flakes son some girl coming round yday but my date for tonight is going ahead as planned. Been thinking about my ex but I’m sure after tonight if I bang (90% sure) I should be a lot further in getting over this.

 

[Gan]

Day 54
Even though I broke contact by replying to her messages a week ago, I'm still in power. I cut it super short without revealing anything about myself or what I was up to, and on top of that, I did not reply back after a few exchanges. I feel kind of guilty, but I need to remember that being with her is not logical. I can't pretend to like her enough to be friends either because of the way things were left. It's hard to have any kind of respect for her. I'll forgive her if she ends up owning up to her sh*t, but until then... cya!

 

[yonggg]

back again to this forum after few years. succesfully used no contact twice few years back in 2 previous relationship

now just got dumped by my gf of 9months

it started good and went to sh*tty relationship after the 5 months together.
she always insecure, jealous,and negatively thinking about me like saying that i might not love her, that i might leave her,
this happened almost everyday. crazy, right?
but i know that shhe really into me.
but when we had fights, very often she was uncontrollable, she just wont stop angry, wtf.

i was frequently thinking about dumping her, but i didnt since i love her, even though i cant bear to think how frustrating i will be if i go into marriage with her. and also i kinda feel bad since im the one that deflowered her.

but here im the one getting dumped, cause at the last fight, after lots of intense debate i got tired, so i dont want to talk on our way back home, i just drove her home not talking to her. i just said im tired and dont want to debate. i also didnt offer to eat together first even though we hadnt eat that time.
so she was mad at me, slam the car door and then after few minutes texted me we breakup. i replied " well then"

now starting NC day 1.
im wondering whether i should do this or not. its like i really dont know wtf just happened, i love her, i know she love me (or not), but we fights frequently, its very weird relationship for me.

 

[GerryCreanio]

First, I'll say - don't be so hard on yourself. You did the right thing, even if it took a bit later than it could have been. As odd as it may sound - it's good in a sense that you're feeling guilt over this, as this shows you have some sense of empathy towards your wife and the situation. Some men and women have no such culpability in them - and so they create much harder lives for everyone around them because of this. So don't feel entirely bad.

Not knowing is going to be very tough - but I would try to limit the speculation. It's your heart trying to look for ways back in and connect with her, and drive it back to full engagement. Hoping and wanting that 'dream' of reconnecting and confessing love and all that. But this is all just hopeful fantasies, to please the mind. And ultimately absorb you more.

Look at it this way. She has a method to communicate with you. You clearly gave her an 'in' to contact you if she truly wanted to. If she was crying over you, and couldn't bear to be without you - she would circumvent that theoretical 'no contact' by the company, and write you. Especially because you specifically gave her your email. Rules wouldn't stop **** - she could create another email and contact you under an alias and such. Regardless - she would path a way to contact you. But she hasn't.

You didn't close the door completely on her in any case - but I think you and her are both mature enough to know the reality of the situation here. And you know what you want as well, since you've already made a big step towards it - the survival, and hopefully revival of your marriage. Think of trying to respark that love with your wife as a goal.

Remember that the things we cannot have - always seem to be of even higher value. You'll have to overcome this. And time will help. The trick is not to feed the negative emotions and feedback you're giving yourself. "I messed up. I ****ed up. I threw what we had away. It's all my fault." as an example. Try to stop yourself as soon as you start getting into it. Think of your wife or other things. I think we tend to 'love' the things we think of most, as some kind of feedback reinforcement.

Anyway. You're doing the right thing. Keep pushing through. That goes for everyone else as well.

Dude - thanks so much for taking the time to respond to me with this great advice.

An update, it’s now around 35 days NC and I’m going from day to day from unbearable sadness to feeling ‘meh’, to feeling angry at her, to wanting to break NC.

I don’t know what to do. And this means I will probably continue to ignore.

Problem is, this is so different to your usual breakup/NC situation. There are many more factors at play. Eg if she was single she would be much more likely to contact me, but she’s not and I know that she is BADLY affected by guilt of the emotional affair we had.

She also knows I’m married and does not want to appear a ‘homewrecker’ - she has said this herself - it’s another reason she may not be contacting me.

DO NOT BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX...is advice I read all the time. But does this apply in my situation??? As at the moment we can’t be anything BUT friends (both in committed relationships).

Maybe I should stay low contact friends with her so as not to burn bridges, and then in the future if we’re both single we may end up together?

I’ve just about realised in these 35 days that if she turned up on my doorstep and said “come with me now, leave your wife” - I would probably say no. But that does not mean I don’t want to be friends with the girl and would want something to happen if circumstances changed in the future.

 

[Murk]

I forget which day, prob 8?

I don't give a fvck about her, ok I do, but I have too many girls on the go (thank God for all the banked Tinder/Bumble matches and old flames I can rekindle at the drop of a hat).

She needs to find someone who loves her and will treat her right, just like she said. My behaviour was selfish and she would have a breakdown if she knew only a fraction of it.

 

[European-DJ]

Day 10:
Man do things get easier after the first week. I’ve barely thought about her the last few days.

I doubted whether it would be an easy fix to get over her, as fvcking two new girls had no dampening effect on my “sadness”. However, this Friday I laid a girl whom I had been trying to lay in my late teens. Way over the usual girls I land, a real HB9, and it gave me a huge confidence boost.

I’ve been playing it cool with the HB9, while arranging some casual dates with my two old FB’s. This should keep my insecurities at bay. I’ve come to realize that my insecurities are the prime driver for initially wanting to get back together with the girl, however, with the knowledge that I can still pull, she’s become much less of a problem for me.

Day 14 (2 weeks ago):

I almost broke NC the other day. For the first time in the last 14 days, I started writing a message to her and when I was half way through writing it, I realized it was a mistake.

If she wanted anything to do with me, she would have reached out, but she hasn’t. She’s probably moved on and with someone else. Even though this is agonizing, it might be for the better.

Hit it up with the HB9 again last night. She’s super cute and interesting, leaving for the country for 6 months the day after tomorrow though. Will have to find another girl to keep myself distracted.

 

[Murk]

Find many girls not just one. If you can pull a hb9 then you will have no worries, it’s just an adjustment phase we all have to get used to.

 

[European-DJ]

Find many girls not just one. If you can pull a hb9 then you will have no worries, it’s just an adjustment phase we all have to get used to.

This girl is definitely not my average pull; how I manage to get a 9 in my current state of mind (self conscious and doubting my own abilities) is a mystery. However, I appreciate the advice. I just decided to take another girl up on an offer. A solid 7.5-8.

However, she rejected my movie invite at my place, but accepted the offer to go out for drinks. I’m not sure how to interpret it, but I’ll try to make a move and see how she reacts to it! I’ll take her to the same place as I did the 9 and see if I’ll manage to pull again.

 

[Murk]

Day 11,

Been on dates, met a good 4-5 women, today I am just happy for the split. All I can recommend is meeting other women, your ex doesn't feel so special then and you can really focus on the bad points of the relationship when you have abundance. It's easy to type and read words, but when you actually live it, it all makes sense.

 

[TBG]

Starting my first full week of NC.

Had been seeing this girl, but got hit with the LJBF because there was another guy in the picture that she was more interested in but due to him being away traveling she couldn't act on it.

Basically they went on a couple of dates/****ed when he was in our city before leaving the country for three months. Normally he lives three hours away but he does live in a camper van because he's a traveling type so I suppose he could relocate. Either way they've obviously kept in contact and she's built this relationship up in her head based off two dates.

She tells me on Friday he's back soon so she doesn't know how us seeing each other will work but it would be cool if we still could. I basically took that as ''Hey I don't need my place holder boyfriend anymore". Told her I wasn't going to settle for friends and to hit me up if anything changes. She apologized for how things ended up and she'd miss me blah blah. I ignored it and deleted her number.

Still had her on Instagram and yesterday she posted a photo with her cat captioned "**** being strong independent women. We've decided we like being looked after." with that guy tagged in the photo. Really came as a gut punch considering I've been there for her the past few months. It's my fault for being her emotional tampon but I bet she wasn't going to that other guy when she was having suicidal thoughts. Anyways unfollowing her on there was my last connection to her. Time to concentrate on me

On the plus side I girl I was supposed to go on a date with a couple years back recently reached out so she's helping fill the void

 

[European-DJ]

Starting my first full week of NC.

Had been seeing this girl, but got hit with the LJBF because there was another guy in the picture that she was more interested in but due to him being away traveling she couldn't act on it.

Basically they went on a couple of dates/****ed when he was in our city before leaving the country for three months. Normally he lives three hours away but he does live in a camper van because he's a traveling type so I suppose he could relocate. Either way they've obviously kept in contact and she's built this relationship up in her head based off two dates.

She tells me on Friday he's back soon so she doesn't know how us seeing each other will work but it would be cool if we still could. I basically took that as ''Hey I don't need my place holder boyfriend anymore". Told her I wasn't going to settle for friends and to hit me up if anything changes. She apologized for how things ended up and she'd miss me blah blah. I ignored it and deleted her number.

Still had her on Instagram and yesterday she posted a photo with her cat captioned "**** being strong independent women. We've decided we like being looked after." with that guy tagged in the photo. Really came as a gut punch considering I've been there for her the past few months. It's my fault for being her emotional tampon but I bet she wasn't going to that other guy when she was having suicidal thoughts. Anyways unfollowing her on there was my last connection to her. Time to concentrate on me

On the plus side I girl I was supposed to go on a date with a couple years back recently reached out so she's helping fill the void

Sorry to hear about your experience. Even though this might not be what you want to hear, you’re definitely better of forgetting about this girl. She clearly values you less than the other guy and being someone’s second priority is NEVER a good feeling. Remwber: whoever cares the least, wins.

As for your next date: do it, enjoy it and try not to be overly self-conscious around her. After “being hurt” we tend to seek validation from others in a way that might reek of desperation, so try to keep this in mind while dating, so you don’t blow it.

Anyway, welcome to the NC-C, I hope you do well!

 

[TBG]

Sorry to hear about your experience. Even though this might not be what you want to hear, you’re definitely better of forgetting about this girl. She clearly values you less than the other guy and being someone’s second priority is NEVER a good feeling. Remwber: whoever cares the least, wins.

As for your next date: do it, enjoy it and try not to be overly self-conscious around her. After “being hurt” we tend to seek validation from others in a way that might reek of desperation, so try to keep this in mind while dating, so you don’t blow it.

Anyway, welcome to the NC-C, I hope you do well!

Thanks man.

Yeah I've not burned any bridges or anything but I've got no intention of sticking around in any capacity. Like you say I don't want to be any ones back up option. That other guy can now deal with her depression and suicidal thoughts. At the end of the day on some level she chose him as being the best guy for her needs. Just cause he's out of the country doesn't excuse him from being that emotional support. Or maybe she just doesn't want him knowing what goes on in her head.....

I'm in no rush to get back out there, and I'm not moping around either. Hit the gym over the weekend and viewed some properties. My goal for the foreseeable future is to buy my own place. If someone comes along great. If not no worries.

 

[Murk]

How long were you with her for?