The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[noBSgames]

I think that's the case with my ex abandonment issues her "husband" she married is still back in her country and she's back home now so when he's not around she feels lost and alone.

I'm not feeding into that bs anymore I gave her enough warnings.. she mad I'm fixing my car because she feels I'm going to use it to pick up women.. it's too funny she wanted me to sell it and all so I can be carless like her? No thanks

 

[jbl888]

My ex of 1 year dumped me couple days ago.There were times were i would say this is not working out and she ends up crying. All those times, i had to comfort her and said okay i did not mean that. For some reason i wanted her to break up with me. I am not sure why. The day after i was completely broken down and called her so many times (I deeply regret doing this but I must accept it and move on). After she picked up, she basically said i didn't give her the attention she needed and that my actions did not show that i liked her. I ended up breaking down during the video chat and begged, which i deeply regret. She also said she loved me (first time i heard her say it haha). I then said the same thing after. She said its too late now. I then said okay i want to meet you so that we can exchange the stuff that we gave to each other. She said i can either burn it or donate the stuff she gave me. After yelling at me in anger, she hung up. I went NC on her and decided its done for good. I read watched a video on narcissistic behavior somewhere on the threads here. I now understand how toxic some women can be.

 

[noBSgames]

Dude mine told me just about the same line about if she had stuff over my house just to mail it to her it's all a game to them and when you give into it by saying no I'm not going to mail it she knows she still has you because that part of her will still be at your house.

 

[noBSgames]

@DonJuan she didn't tell me to mail her stuff back to her. I never been to her family house ever. She told me that i can donate the stuff she gave me or i can burn it. Also mentioned to me that she didn't want to see me at all. I told her okay but I want my stuff back. So she said she can mail it to me. The last time she was at my place was about 3 weeks ago and she knows that I was moving out. I feel like she wants to know the new address.

Yep it's all a game for them now that mine knows my address I have to always wonder if she's just going to show up one night

 

[jbl888]

I only have 3-4 stuff and put some stuff in the basement. I was so lucky because on the last day when i was moving out i gave her majority of the stuff (stuff we used for sex lol) she got for me. I told her to keep it at her home and I will visit her because i cannot take it. What should i do with the clothes my ex bought me? Should i wear it still, throw it out, or keep it in the basement. I don't want to sound like a a****** but I read a post that some dude posted on the forum stating that he wears clothes that his ex girlfriend bought him and he sees new girls with it which made him feel badass lol.

 

[noBSgames]

Ha mine got me a few shirts and pants honestly I'm not going to throw them out. As for the sex stuff we had she wanted them even though I brought them she seemed upset for that but she would never be able to use them at her house anyway because she lives at home with her mom and the sister and mom share the same room

 

[jbl888]

Ya mine lives at some family's house where she has the basement to herself. I never met her family ever or her friends. I said a few words here and there when my she was on the phone with her gal friends at the place i was prior. When we were dating into 1 month, one day she called me and cried because she made out with a guy that she used to have a '"thing with." I told her its over, she begged and cried. I told her i will give her one more chance. Beginning of our relationship, she mentioned about seeing other people. Then few days later she said I am sorry i didn't mean that. That raised red flags for me. Couple months later, I brought up the open relationship and she said she needed time to think. She would tell me she wants me all to herself blah blah. Then finally she agreed to it. When she texted me her new # recently, i found out it was a burner one. Now I don't to say everything is her fault. I could have been not nice to her at times. However, i feel that her goal was to change me into a beta male. I am not going to keep track of days of NC anymore. However i do want to update how i feel & my progress. Also i think it is a great way to connect with any bro's that may have gone or is going through the same thing as me.

 

[gettinit]

Tomorrow it will be two weeks NC. I actually had a couple of days where things actually felt sort of normal. Out of nowhere, the last 3 days have pretty bad. I went to watch football with my friends and thoughts of her even crept in there. The human mind is a crazy thing. She is my last thought at night and first of the day, even though I know that we won't ever be together again. She had my replacement already and ended three years with a pretty cold text. No respect on two counts. That's what I think is really bothering me. She lost respect for me. She definitely had daddy issues and that explains a lot of her behavior, but the end almost seemed vicious, like I hurt her and she had a veiled score to settle. I'm happy that I read the last text and the more that I think about it, it was designed for maximum pain and she hit the mark like a pro. Backing up a bit, She threw one of the most manipulative texts at me. I didn't dawn on me until I realized that she was F-ing her new guy for the missing weekend. After not texting me for four days: "I know that I have been out of touch. My sadness about not being able to be with you shouldn't have stopped me from checking in or seeing how you are..I'm Sorry.. "

Wow. Mastery of deception and manipulation.

I must say that I have considered breaking NC and responding to her dump me text. "Sorry about the slow reply. I wanted to be very clear about my thoughts, but all that I have been able to come up with as a response was: LOL "

 

[RedScorpion]

It's kind of weird, but I think the best way to get back at her is to remain NC. She has no idea what you're thinking, what your reaction is. That up and down nagging of 'Does he hate me? Is he sad? Is he just moving on like I didn't even matter either?". That last one is probably the most powerful, and can only be done by NC, and perhaps indirect information provided to her by friends, hearsay... whatever - that you're simply moving on with life. With NC, you're letting her own mind work against herself. If she doesn't know your emotional state in regards to her... then it can play on in her head for a long time. Much longer than if you give her an emotion for her to settle on (such as anger, sadness, rude, snottiness, rub in her face... etc.).

Downside is that by virtue of it being caused by NC, you don't get to see or know that it's affecting her either. That's kind of the tricky part... which I have to admit I have trouble with as well. You want that feeling of 'Yeah, I showed her!', or you want to see her in regret for causing you pain. You want to see the fruit of your actions. This is where you have to rationalize for yourself... that this will produce the biggest fruit. And she'll make it by her own hand, rather than you trying to drive a dagger in for the last go.

Sometimes it would be great to just 'know' it was working, and it was best... that's where I have to have faith in my past experiences, as well as advice from other people here.

You guys were together for three years. She won't forget that. She simply can't, even if she was completely sociopathic or whatever. She'll be looking at how you handle the aftermath of this. If you ever did want to communicate, I'd advise to come from a place of indifference and 'all the best to you'. Where you're content to let things go and you're just moving on. Basically - where you would be at the end of all this. It's a bit more of a burn to know someone is just pressing forward and moving on, rather than if they're still held back, holding emotions and anger towards you.

That's my take on it anyway. One thing other members in the past have recommended is writing a letter as intended for her...and then never sending it. Definitely a terrible idea to actually send one (others have sent one and have paid in silence in return or say a patronizing short reply 3 weeks later).

Also, try and not get into the habit of thinking about her too much (I made this mistake, paying for it a bit now). It will ingrain in you as a habit, so you get used to thinking about her constantly. So try to think about other things (or nothing at all).

 

[noBSgames]

So the ex contacted me again.. she had saw a picture of me and she was like you look sad smile god loves you.. It was the most crazy thing.. I went out to Mass with my friends and spent like 7 hours having fun and we would post the snaps and she would always be the first one to watch them.. I never spoke direct to her nor did I respond to her crazy message she sent me.. it's amazing for someone who's married still all in my life trying to find out every little bitty thing going on.

 

[gettinit]

Funny, I have actually wrote four letters and just deleted them a day later. I did not write them in email, but instead in word so the send button would not be right there asking to be pressed. Yeah, I know that nobody can just forget three years and I'm pretty confident that I cross her mind more than once a day. I don't know that I want revenge, more just an acknowledgement that I wasn't disposed of without looking back. I have attempted the impossible by trying to figure out her mind set and have come up with a few things since I can now step back and see things as they are, or should I say were. I have come to the conclusion that the new guy is just a crutch that would allow her to break free of me. Yeah, she still wanted out, but our bond was too strong to just walk away. I almost never called her. I'm just not a phone person and I would rather save things up for when I am face to face with someone. During one of out last text conversations (I actually prefer email since you can express a complete thought), she took a while to reply: "Sorry, I was on the phone... AGAIN!" It seemed odd at the time, but now seems to fit in since she changed her mind about coming to see me later in the conversation. I have to guess that the new guy calls her all of the time. If that's what she needs, we were doomed anyway. I have struck up text conversation with a girl that seems pretty cool. Am I ready for that? probably not, but it at least distracts me for a bit. I'm trying not to let these thoughts become a habit. Thanks for the warning.

 

[RedScorpion]

One thing I've done just now that seems to have helped, is going through a pretend goodbye scene in my head with her. Significantly helped it seems. Saying whatever I wanted to say to make amends, wish her well, etc. . I know it sounds kind of corny or wimpy (and obviously wouldn't do it in real life), but since I never had a goodbye or blowout with her (I just quietly removed my connections with her) - I think it was something that was missing all along. I think the mind can believe that it's real if you imagine or go through it well enough. I've read that for procrastinators, sometimes the act of imagining that you've done something, can remove your impetus to actually perform it. As perhaps you somehow believe subconsciously 'Oh, I've already done that, haven't I?'.

'I don't know that I want revenge, more just an acknowledgement that I wasn't disposed of without looking back.' - I agree with that sentiment, that's something I'd like to feel as well, rather than revenge per say. However, I don't think there's a direct way of me being able to find that out. The options available to me now are NC... or reaching out and most probably looking pathetic (regardless of approach). And ultimately, simple NC and moving on is objectively the best option.

 

[Carpathian]

Always remember, any form of contact with her started by you will make you look pathetic, especially a letter that she can read again and again and s****** and, god forbid, sending her gifts/flowers etc and turning up at her house or place of work.
You must maintain your frame - however much it hurts - and remain in NC. It is the only way. Think about it, what's the alternative? Begging, pleading and having a restraining order issued against you that will lead to a police record and employment problems?

 

[gettinit]

.

One thing I've done just now that seems to have helped, is going through a pretend goodbye scene in my head with her

I never thought of that and I may give that a try. It certainly cant hurt.

Another day, another bit of clarity. Going back to the daddy issues, she chameleoned into my perfect woman. It was always "Whatever you want to do", never a complaint. She was a VERY organized person, no clutter and EVERYTHING that she had served a current purpose. The thought of our mementos going missing made me realize something. There was NOTHING in her place that reflected any of her past married life or family, with one exception. A picture of her uncle. Maybe the father figure that all must live up to? I know now that I don't think that I have to worry about her contacting me and am willing to bet that I have also been erased. Crazy as it seems, I actually feel sorry for her. You would think that all of this would lift my anxiety, but it still remains. Apparently, the hooks are deeper than I thought, because, this morning, I feel the same as I did the day that it ended.

 

[noBSgames]

What the hell.. after like 3 weeks NC and I was telling my friend my ex stopped snooping on me he was like don't jinx it... what the hell do you know she just called me like two min ago!! Jesus I sometimes swear she hears when I talk about her.

My friend was telling me my ex was asking his girl how I been doing and general fishing for info and she told her off saying look your married and have a husband now so leave me alone and let me heal..

As you can see they don't know how to let go

 

[gettinit]

Day 17
I'm doing my best to stay busy and clear my head. No dice. I am holding strong to NC, but the anxiety has returned. Although nothing in my workout routine or eating habits has changed, I've lost 4 lbs. I can't believe the effects this is having on me and I still can't put my finger on what the real underlying feeling is that is causing such mental and physical distress. I have always thought of myself as a strong person and this seems to have me beat (for now). I have to break the pattern of thinking about what is going on her end. Is she relieved? Stressed? Laughing?...crazy since in reality, none of it matters. Its OVER.

 

[RedScorpion]

Hang tough. I've found it gets a bit harder around the third week, as it clicks in that it's actually happening. I was out doing a day trip with friends around that time, and I was just focused on the anxiety or whatever during it.

Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. All of that you're going through is normal. One thing (I'm theorizing) that might be happening, is that you might be inadvertently giving this a bit more power in yourself. 'I'm strong, this shouldn't be happening, this is beating me for now - therefore it must be stronger than me'. I don't know for sure, but a thought. It really does take some time. Just make sure you're taking care of yourself.

'Is she relieved? Stressed? Laughing?' I've had the same thoughts. That's also the power of NC - you don't get any info in that regard. You only get to work with old info... which helps with her eventually fading from your mind. Example - a girl in the distant past, I was stepping away from, but couldn't resist checking out her facebook one day. And there she was, posting partying pics and blatantly flirting with other guys on there (comments and whatever). I don't know if it reset me, but it definitely wasn't fun. So just only having old info, your mind will get bored with it eventually.

 

[noBSgames]

So far 3 weeks I haven't made any contact but my ex sure does keep trying.. and the stuff she tells my friend or what she does... man

 

[jbl888]

I received a phone call the other day from a different number that resembled my number. I had a feeling it was the ex using a burner number. I did not answer it. The same day I received a text picture message from a weird area code. When i opened it up, it was some overweight chick posing with her bra on. Hair color was ginger just like my ex. She also sent some cheesy pickup line lmao. I sure am not tripping but let me tell you girls can be really immature.

 

[Roober]

Day 17
I'm doing my best to stay busy and clear my head. No dice. I am holding strong to NC, but the anxiety has returned. Although nothing in my workout routine or eating habits has changed, I've lost 4 lbs. I can't believe the effects this is having on me and I still can't put my finger on what the real underlying feeling is that is causing such mental and physical distress. I have always thought of myself as a strong person and this seems to have me beat (for now). I have to break the pattern of thinking about what is going on her end. Is she relieved? Stressed? Laughing?...crazy since in reality, none of it matters. Its OVER.

Just stick with it. It will get better. Try to keep yourself distracted. Have you started seeing other women? While I feel I started a bit too early after my breakup, it helped me knock her off the pedestal. I finally began to see her for what she really was... a woman not worth my time