The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[5chm1dd1]

Two quite powerful quotes I stumbled across, both by author John Green:


"The good times and the bad times both will pass. It will pass. It will get easier. But the fact that it will get easier does not mean that it doesn’t hurt now. And when people try to minimize your pain they are doing you a disservice. And when you try to minimize your own pain you’re doing yourself a disservice. Don’t do that. The truth is that it hurts because it’s real. It hurts because it mattered. And that’s an important thing to acknowledge to yourself. But that doesn’t mean that it won’t end, that it won’t get better. Because it will."

"The pain demands to be felt."


I think that sums up the whole experience of going through a breakup, even if only roughly.

 

[DJohn]

Told my ex yesterday to not call me for anything ever again. Ive supported her for the past three years and she dosent understand why I cant "just" be her friend. The situation with her has really killed alot of my pride. Shes used me and this becomes evident when she starts dating a new guy. I go from surrogate boyfriend to a pain in her ass. So No Contact is for the best. The sad thing is Im pretty sure her current relationship will end within the next few months because she is a high maintenance attention ***** that kills attraction after the new relationship ideals go away. She expects me to be there to pick her back up like I have several times before. She dosent understand how much this ****s with my head, being used to meet her needs while mine are laughed at. She asked me why I cant just be happy for her, happy that Ive been ditched and shes ****ing someone else. Selfish *****.

No Contact, day one.

stay stong, mate

 

[Watkins292]

Firstly, I'm so glad I've found this.. I have been feeling totally broken for the past week.

My story is pretty similar to most on here.
Been seeing this girl for a year, she lived away in the week but home on weekends.. so only really got time with her then... spare the few times i went up to visit her.

Things started off great.. the constant messaging.. the sex.. the closeness and bond we built up.. the first alarm started ringing when she told me she used to keep checking out her ex boyfriends new girlfriend..she had self worth issues.. she re assured me she didn't want him and it was just the feeling of her being replaced.. we got back on track and things were fine again.. until randomly one evening she said.. how do you know if someone is meant to be your friend more than a boyfriend.. that made me panic! Before this point I was being a little bit closed off from her.. so once she told me that, I opened up to her.. she then told me she felt much more positive about us.. things then were good again ,we spent Christmas and New Year's Eve together.. I treated her like an absolute princess.

A few months ago, the texting started to slow down and our conversations were not as deep or engaging, she had a lot of work on (she's a trainee accountant) so I just took it as she was very busy.. she assured me we were fine.

About three weeks ago I didn't hear from her all day only to be met in the evening with.. ' I don't think I have the feelings I should have'

Unfortunately I went into panic mode, it was her birthday a week after this so I sent her some flowers and gave her some gifts.

She told me that she would try and make another go of things.

A week ago, after barely trying, she told me that after thinking about things she has decided that this is not what she wants. I asked her if there was anyone else and after trying to hide it she admits she is texting someone she met at work, although swears nothing has happened.

I've begged and pleaded, got angry, got sad. I've been a walking zombie the past few days.. I haven't eaten and barely been able to sleep.. every minute is consumed with me wondering if she's talking to him.

Today I have accepted it,
I texted her this morning to say 'hope work is going ok and have a good day'
She has replied this evening with ' still here working and got so much to do tonight too'

I'm leaving it at that, I will gain some small satisfaction that she was the last person to talk to me in some weird way !

Everyone has told her that I was good for her, including her family.. one day I hope she realises how well she was treated with me will regret it.. but by then, I hope I can look at her as a stranger..

I'm sure there will be hard days.
But this is the start of my no contact DAY 1

 

[Roober]

Almost 4 months...

More just chiming in to give some context to what some of you may be going through. I was with my ex for 7 months, she got distant the last 2 months, then broke it off in November. I fell hard, and turned into a complete AFC the last couple months... Below was my general process

Month 1 - rough for me. thought about her a lot. wanted to call, text, couldn't sleep, couldn't focus at work, etc.
What did I do? Started working out, read Book of Pook, 3% man, most of DJ bible, spent lots of time with family and friends, basically keep yourself distracted!

Month 2 - started hitting the gym, began to feel much better about myself and began to feel like she "did me a favor" by breaking up
What did I do? Continued working out, started talking to women (very casually), had a couple dates near end of month 2, focus here was realizing my value

Month 3 - this is where the disconnect finally began, as it was more of a "curious what she is up to" than a "I want her in my life". I might have still taken her back at this point...
What did I do? Read The Rational Male, Started Daygame Mastery, Started The Way of a Superior Man, focus on date women to learn about relationship dynamics, communication, and escalation

Month 4 - the only reason I probably think about her is because of this site or comparing to qualities that made her worse than the women I have dated over the past couple months
What did I do? Continued to date. I have been out with 15 women in the last 2.5 months, Kiss closed all but 2, have 1 steady plate, let one fall, have 2 getting ready. Never stop learning about women, life, work, money. Reduce time wasters (i.e. TV, this board, excessive partying, lazy friends, drugs, alcohol, many more)

What have I learned?
-A wide variety of women like me
-working out is more for your mind than your body
-Read as much as you can

How have I improved?
-better physique - I am bulking now and will begin leaning out in May., aiming for 10% bodyfat
-Being here and focusing on myself makes me want to make more money, to approach more women, to meet more people, and to do more things... sky is not the limit
-The group here is as supportive as any friend or relative you may have... If you have a question, ask!

I am beginning to believe this line from Hitch... "No matter what. No matter when. No matter who. Any man has the chance to sweep any woman off her feet."


NO CONTACT is the only way. Do it. Work on yourself and you will change your life

 

[Roober]

Firstly, I'm so glad I've found this.. I have been feeling totally broken for the past week.

My story is pretty similar to most on here.
Been seeing this girl for a year, she lived away in the week but home on weekends.. so only really got time with her then... spare the few times i went up to visit her.

Things started off great.. the constant messaging.. the sex.. the closeness and bond we built up.. the first alarm started ringing when she told me she used to keep checking out her ex boyfriends new girlfriend..she had self worth issues.. she re assured me she didn't want him and it was just the feeling of her being replaced.. we got back on track and things were fine again.. until randomly one evening she said.. how do you know if someone is meant to be your friend more than a boyfriend.. that made me panic! Before this point I was being a little bit closed off from her.. so once she told me that, I opened up to her.. she then told me she felt much more positive about us.. things then were good again ,we spent Christmas and New Year's Eve together.. I treated her like an absolute princess.

A few months ago, the texting started to slow down and our conversations were not as deep or engaging, she had a lot of work on (she's a trainee accountant) so I just took it as she was very busy.. she assured me we were fine.

About three weeks ago I didn't hear from her all day only to be met in the evening with.. ' I don't think I have the feelings I should have'

Unfortunately I went into panic mode, it was her birthday a week after this so I sent her some flowers and gave her some gifts.

She told me that she would try and make another go of things.

A week ago, after barely trying, she told me that after thinking about things she has decided that this is not what she wants. I asked her if there was anyone else and after trying to hide it she admits she is texting someone she met at work, although swears nothing has happened.

I've begged and pleaded, got angry, got sad. I've been a walking zombie the past few days.. I haven't eaten and barely been able to sleep.. every minute is consumed with me wondering if she's talking to him.

Today I have accepted it,
I texted her this morning to say 'hope work is going ok and have a good day'
She has replied this evening with ' still here working and got so much to do tonight too'

I'm leaving it at that, I will gain some small satisfaction that she was the last person to talk to me in some weird way !

Everyone has told her that I was good for her, including her family.. one day I hope she realises how well she was treated with me will regret it.. but by then, I hope I can look at her as a stranger..

I'm sure there will be hard days.
But this is the start of my no contact DAY 1

Day 1 is only the beginning... allow yourself to feel some grief, no more than a couple days, at most a week or two... cry, get angry, all of the above... you have to feel it...

then....

Find distractions
Find friends and family... you need people to talk to when you are thinking of texting
DELETE everything you have of her... basically get everything out of sight
REMOVE her from all social media
REMOVE all of her "things" or anything that reminds you of her, put in a box and store in the garage.

Think of something you want to do, and go do it
Find your triggers (times when you think of her) and do not do those

Everything is going to remind you of her. Try to avoid the ones with strong emotional attachments

SS is supportive... good luck to you!

 

[QuadDeuces]

Woke up early this morning depressed and lonely wanted to send her a message, but didn't of course, it still hurts.

Got a date with a blonde hb8 tomorrow, a 30yo nurse, I asked her before we go on a date are you a borderliner too? She laughed and said I have no daddy issues and a history of only stable LTR's. Funny how she knew what borderline was.

 

[Watkins292]

Woke up feeling like crap this morning, today will be a struggle, it's only my second day.

The hardest part is thinking about her messaging/talking to this new guy, the way we used to speak.

If she wanted to be alone, I could maybe cope with it more, but knowing someone else is getting her attention now is a killer !

It's my birthday on Monday and I'm pretty sure she will message with a birthday wish (she also said she has a gift that I should have) what do i do with that ?

 

[BlueAlpha1]

Woke up feeling like crap this morning, today will be a struggle, it's only my second day.

The hardest part is thinking about her messaging/talking to this new guy, the way we used to speak.

If she wanted to be alone, I could maybe cope with it more, but knowing someone else is getting her attention now is a killer !

It's my birthday on Monday and I'm pretty sure she will message with a birthday wish (she also said she has a gift that I should have) what do i do with that ?

You've got 518 pages worth of explanation for why you should do nothing.

Ignore her "birthday wish". Your princess is an another castle. If you accept her offerings now it's akin to picking up broken glass off the floor. And she'll know you're weak.

Move on.

 

[Reykhel]

Woke up feeling like crap this morning, today will be a struggle, it's only my second day.

The hardest part is thinking about her messaging/talking to this new guy, the way we used to speak.

If she wanted to be alone, I could maybe cope with it more, but knowing someone else is getting her attention now is a killer !

It's my birthday on Monday and I'm pretty sure she will message with a birthday wish (she also said she has a gift that I should have) what do i do with that ?

Burn it.

You're feeling this way and it's terrible. I feel for you. Not because of the girl but because of your mindset and your paradigm. That's not your fault. Society has lied to you. Your parents lied to you. Your school lied to you. It's not their fault either.

This is not a moment to look for blame.

This is a moment to take action. This is a moment to change your paradigm.

This is not about the girl. This is about how you perceive the situation. How you perceive the girl.

She's now cancer to you, simply because she is making you ill (really your reaction is making you ill, but that's for another day..)

What's the solution? Remove the cancer. Cut the malignant cvnt off completely and you'll be free. Then learn. Change your paradigm.

Burn the gift.

Disdain what you can't have.

 

[QuadDeuces]

Talk about a cure for heartbreak, I banged a hb9 all night I've met through Tinder. She looked better than her pics. Feels good.

 

[MrAddiction]

After she started calling every quarter of an hour and would have shown up at my House, I broke no contact and wrrote an Email what the heck she was thinking and what might be of sich importance to call my cousin. Her answer: she was just worried and maybe I might have been angry at her and she would not know why.

I think she just felt abandonedamd that triggered the intense calling. Fcuk BPD.

I just can not manage to Tell her blatantly that I do not want any contact any more.

Maybe I should make a Fake AFC move and tell her I can not have contact any more because I still love her oooooh soooo much.

???

 

[QuadDeuces]

After she started calling every quarter of an hour and would have shown up at my House, I broke no contact and wrrote an Email what the heck she was thinking and what might be of sich importance to call my cousin. Her answer: she was just worried and maybe I might have been angry at her and she would not know why.

I think she just felt abandonedamd that triggered the intense calling. Fcuk BPD.

I just can not manage to Tell her blatantly that I do not want any contact any more.

Maybe I should make a Fake AFC move and tell her I can not have contact any more because I still love her oooooh soooo much.

???

Don't tell her you're angry, they feed on narcissistic supply and drama both negative and positive it doesn't matter, you should be completely indifferent, not by telling her that you are, but by showing her that you are by going back to NC.
You had a relapse, it doesn't matter don't overthink it, go back to NC now.
Don't get back in her world, don't play AFC games, don't play any games just ignore her again.
An alcoholic can also not drink a little bit and keep his addiction at bay.

 

[KrisD]

Ok guys, after a serious reading on this forum I decided to post my **** story.

Long story short I was dating a girl for 2.5 years which 8 months of them were long distance, she studies in another country.

I went 2 times to see her and everything was great. Before my third visit she told me that she is not happy the way our relationship is.
She said shee needs me close to her, and I told her I am going to move with her and she said after that, that she doesnt know if she wants to live with me.
I was like wtf, she wants me close to her but doesnt want me to live with her...?
We talked alot about the subject and she couldnt give me closure, all she said she wasnt happy.
I said that I will try to understand and I will let her go. She then asked me if I a still coming to her. I said no(I had bought the plane tickets already). After that she begged me to come and have one final good time for valentines day.
I made a mistake and I went to her. We had a blast...we couldnt stop having sex, having fun, laughing etc. We just acted like everything was ok. The day came and I had to leave. She came with me to the airport but only for 15 minutes because she had an important exam that day.
As she was preparing to leave she hugged me, kissed me and said to me that no matter what she loves me, she even wrote me a letter expressing her feelings as part for my valentines gift.
She left and immediately staryed messaging me that she loves me.
The 4 hours untill my flight were the most painfull ever, I broke down, started crying, hoping that she will come back to me before I leave and kiss me. No one came.
After I got back home I went NC.
I wrote her a short and friendly message for 8 March. She responed immediately.
She told me that this message made her day and she is very happy that I wrote her.
She wanted to know how I was and I told her that its painful but I am dealing with it.
At tje end of the convo she said she wanted to hear my voice, I told her I want too but its not a good idea. We ended the convo with her saying that she is hoping to hear from me again soon and she cant wait to hear my voice. I said that time will tell and ended it there.
Since then I went NC again, but I cant stop thinking about her and constantly check her social media...
This is the second time she breaks with me, the first time she came back on her own saying she made a huge mistake.
Now it doesnt feel the same.
I miss her dearly but I dont want her in my life. Its time to move on.
After she went to university, she went out only with boys, for 8 months she there she doesnt habe a female friend, only boys.
And they go out and put everything on FB.
I had suspocions about one guy, at first she denied but after abit of pressure she told me that he was hitting on her. It was only a comformation of my suspicions. First denial later the truth. She also assured me that she doesnt like him since he is muslim but who knows, all I know is that sje goes out only with boys. She changed when she left to uni.

Apolpgies for the long post.
I am trying to move on, but I get cought in memories and I have the feeling I am dying.
I dont want her in my life but I love her.
So far I am doing fine with the NC thing, only the social media stalking is killing me.
Thank you for your time guys.

 

[Nn877]

@KrisD Your situation hit home for me. Very similar on many levels. I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 1.5 years, a year of which was long distance. We decided to move and get a place together. Well 1 month into it she all of a sudden doesn't want to live together anymore.

I was crushed, devastated. Still am tbh. Bear in my mind I have no friends nor family in the city we moved to. She does. It's gut wrenching to say the least. I moved out and now I'm on my own. You can't let this take you down to the point all of your energy goes into her and not into bettering yourself.

You gotta look at females differently now, they are ruled by their emotions. PERIOD! There's no logic bro nothing, Trust me it sucks but you have to understand this moving forward.

Your ex easily could of met a guy who gave her tingles and she let her EMOTIONS think why not see where this goes. Or just enjoys all the validation from guys to where she can't get the same validation from just you, who by default validates her in her mind. Imagine an attractive man coming up to your gf and say she's beautiful, she would be extremely flattered. However when you say the same thing after 2 years she won't get the same level of flattery. EMOTIONS.

To be really honest, she studies in another country, not state not city, a country. You should of ended it before she left. The type of loyalty you expected from her is very naive. Let her go and don't look back. Find yourself and go through the pain. You'll be fine man.

 

[TheProspect]

Ok guys, after a serious reading on this forum I decided to post my **** story.

Long story short I was dating a girl for 2.5 years which 8 months of them were long distance, she studies in another country.

I went 2 times to see her and everything was great. Before my third visit she told me that she is not happy the way our relationship is.
She said shee needs me close to her, and I told her I am going to move with her and she said after that, that she doesnt know if she wants to live with me.
I was like wtf, she wants me close to her but doesnt want me to live with her...?
We talked alot about the subject and she couldnt give me closure, all she said she wasnt happy.
I said that I will try to understand and I will let her go. She then asked me if I a still coming to her. I said no(I had bought the plane tickets already). After that she begged me to come and have one final good time for valentines day.
I made a mistake and I went to her. We had a blast...we couldnt stop having sex, having fun, laughing etc. We just acted like everything was ok. The day came and I had to leave. She came with me to the airport but only for 15 minutes because she had an important exam that day.
As she was preparing to leave she hugged me, kissed me and said to me that no matter what she loves me, she even wrote me a letter expressing her feelings as part for my valentines gift.
She left and immediately staryed messaging me that she loves me.
The 4 hours untill my flight were the most painfull ever, I broke down, started crying, hoping that she will come back to me before I leave and kiss me. No one came.
After I got back home I went NC.
I wrote her a short and friendly message for 8 March. She responed immediately.
She told me that this message made her day and she is very happy that I wrote her.
She wanted to know how I was and I told her that its painful but I am dealing with it.
At tje end of the convo she said she wanted to hear my voice, I told her I want too but its not a good idea. We ended the convo with her saying that she is hoping to hear from me again soon and she cant wait to hear my voice. I said that time will tell and ended it there.
Since then I went NC again, but I cant stop thinking about her and constantly check her social media...
This is the second time she breaks with me, the first time she came back on her own saying she made a huge mistake.
Now it doesnt feel the same.
I miss her dearly but I dont want her in my life. Its time to move on.
After she went to university, she went out only with boys, for 8 months she there she doesnt habe a female friend, only boys.
And they go out and put everything on FB.
I had suspocions about one guy, at first she denied but after abit of pressure she told me that he was hitting on her. It was only a comformation of my suspicions. First denial later the truth. She also assured me that she doesnt like him since he is muslim but who knows, all I know is that sje goes out only with boys. She changed when she left to uni.

Apolpgies for the long post.
I am trying to move on, but I get cought in memories and I have the feeling I am dying.
I dont want her in my life but I love her.
So far I am doing fine with the NC thing, only the social media stalking is killing me.
Thank you for your time guys.

Delete your social media for a few months.

On the off chance that you absolutely NEED social media (Facebook) for work or school, delete and block her, and then delete all social media apps off your phone so you aren't tempted to check them as often.

There's no excuse for stalking her online and it's a big reason why you're mentally fvcked up right now. In addition to social media, go a step further and delete and block her cell number.

There's absolutely no reason to talk to or contact this woman again. She's not your girlfriend, she's not your ex that you miss so dearly, she's not your anything anymore. While you're feeling sad for yourself she's having casual sex with other guys.

Trust me, your feelings are temporary and will pass. There's 3+ billion women out there, start talking to them.

 

[attic]

In.

Realized I had been feeding myself to a BPD. Had gone back more times than I can count. Suffering.

Glad I found the thread. Here till 60, or whatever it takes.

 

[Young_Don]

I was seeing this girl for 4 months and we mutually ended things at the end of February. I was SUPER happy being single before I met her.

I've never had a connection with anyone I've ever met the way I did with this girl. I was never a push over with her and she loved and respected me for it. There were a few red flags though that we just couldn't manage to get past and in the end it seems as though love just wasn't enough. She loves to travel and when she travels, she's gone for months on end. I didn't want to hold her back and try and convince her to stay here because of me because I didn't want her turning around one day and have her hate me for being the reason she couldn't do what she wanted to do with her life. Another reason was (and this is a big one) because she still has feelings for her ex. They travelled around Europe a couple times and she even moved states to live with him when they were back home but on their last trip to Europe he dumped her at the airport. I told her that he would eventually come back around again missing her and sure enough he contacted her best friend asking to be a part of her life again, then he inboxed her on FB telling her that he sent her a letter in the mail explaining his reason for leaving and that he still loves her and God knows what else.. She assured me that even though she still had feelings for him that she would never go back to him for what he did. A part from that, everything else was amazing with her. There was never a dull moment and the sexual attraction was through the roof. She really does/did love me, but we (she more so) decided that it was better to end things now rather than later. A few days before we ended things she was ignoring me out of the blue, so I msgd her asking to see her (thinking this would be the last time I'd see/speak to her) but I wanted it to be face to face and she said no. I said I was done and she said good and that I deserved better than her and so I deleted her off all social media. I tried going NC but a couple days later I msgd her and we ended things on good terms. She told me she will always love me and that this is goodbye for a while but maybe not forever and tbh, I love this girl so much that I'm really hoping there's a future with us sooner rather than later down the track. Since the 1st of this month we haven't spoken and it's killing me. I feel like writing her a letter but I know it will probably only make things worse and she may be handling the situation better than me and I don't want to come off as being weak and desperate. About a week ago she posted a pic on insta of her flying to Melbourne, which is where her ex lives. I don't know how I'd cope if I saw them together again.
Sorry for the long post but I've been holding this in as best I could. I can't stress enough how much this girl means to me but I know that I have to be willing to walk away for my own good as much as it hurts.
I just wanted to get any thoughts or feedback from you guys, if you find anything suss or maybe if you doubt what her intensions were with me or if she even really loves me?
I might sound heaps ignorant but I've had my fair share of girls but none of them made me feel like this and I could tell by the way she spoke to me and treated me and what she was willing to do for me that she genuinely loved and cared about me.
I'm finding it hard to calculate my next step in moving on. I don't really have any motivation and I don't even want to look at any other girls. Don't know what to do..

 

[attic]

You should make a full post here or on the Discussion board just to vent it out and get some good advice.

I will, thank you. Hurts pretty deep now, so can't dig in too hard or look right at it so openly yet. For me the pain of what her and I caused urges me to contact her to get relief,... truth is the contact always causes more pain.

Day 3. Silly brain.

Much Love.

 

[attic]

I'm finding it hard to calculate my next step in moving on. I don't really have any motivation and I don't even want to look at any other girls. Don't know what to do..

Give yourself some patience and take care of yourself. It's not about her anymore, it's all about you.

Improve yourself.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

[Young_Don]

If that's true then it just makes me feel even worse