The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Roober]

Hang in there.
Also, you say "I am on one week now and haven't heard a peep unlike a lot of guys here". Dude, one week is no time at all. She won't start to miss you on a deep, emotional level until after about eight weeks. It varies person to person but two months plus is what is really needed. Total silence from you. She is almost 100% certain to reach out. It's what you do THEN that this thread is really all about.....

IF that happens, can I smash it a couple times at least? I would love to give her hope, and then say.. "how do you ever expect me to trust you?"

I imagine she's already getting laid this weekend...

 

[Carpathian]

IF that happens, can I smash it a couple times at least? I would love to give her hope, and then say.. "how do you ever expect me to trust you?"

I imagine she's already getting laid this weekend...

Only you can answer that question dude. Some guys can smash her again when she reaches out and then dump her back. But most guys will get emotionally invested again and she will detect that and do the same all over again. This happened to me. As soon as you have broken up it is nearly impossible to ever have a normal relationship again with that person again.

 

[Roober]

Only you can answer that question dude. Some guys can smash her again when she reaches out and then dump her back. But most guys will get emotionally invested again and she will detect that and do the same all over again. This happened to me. As soon as you have broken up it is nearly impossible to ever have a normal relationship again with that person again.

Ya. I supposed it really depends on where I am at, at that point. If I still feel those tendencies, it would be better not to respond at all. If I feel I am detached and am spinning other plates, it may be easier...

 

[Roober]

Day 10
Well. not sure if I broke it cause I did look at her snapchat story yesterday. Again got reminded of how conceited she is... Also noticed she looked at mine, which is odd, but probably more of just... "what is he up to?", so no more snapchat. Still feel like I miss her terribly and thinking many things

-if I would have had the knowledge I have now, I could have made it so much better
-I made a list of things I like and don't like about our relationship. I then took the likes and looked at which are unique or uncommon to her. Other than being beautiful, not much else there...
-Definitely beginning to feel connections with other women, meaning look at them with interest. I dont "feel" taken
-Getting angry and keep thinking "fvck her, stupid bish"
-Linkin Park and Eminem have been music of choice.
-Struggle at work because the low socialization of my job and start thinking about her
-Still highs and lows, don't seem to be any less...
-Been going out quite a bit, asked for a number, got rejected... need to approach more...
-I want her to come back, so I can dump her.... but I think she is totally gone...
-Seeing her every two weeks was never going to work...

Still nothing from her, which is the most disappointing. It really sucks that you have something so great, and she just disappears. I understand the reason though... I was a needy little bish...

My ex has been on a rampage the last couple days, so that is certainly not helping....

 

[Carpathian]

Dude, stop looking at social media - you are tormenting yourself. It is the number one rule and the title of this thread - The No Contact Challenge.....

 

[Roober]

Dude, stop looking at social media - you are tormenting yourself. It is the number one rule and the title of this thread - The No Contact Challenge.....

I know I know.... no more looking, nothing really useful on there anyways...

 

[Burntheoneswhoburnyou]

Been looking at this forum to help quell any doubts I ever had about what the hell I was going through.

I am going through a similar situation to all of you. 4 months ago me and the ex parted ways. She knew I was miserable and being in a relationship with me made her miserable, but here's the thing.. I didn't do anything to make her feel miserable. We were together for over 3 years and for the last year I was emotionally checked out due to all of the shlt I had to deal with on a day to day basis.

My ex is clinically diagnosed with depression and has a family history of mental illness. After reading some of the clinical signs of BPD I am 100% convinced that she is one of these people. Throughout the entirety of our relationship, I was fundamentally and mentally the same person, all of the time. I am very comfortable with who I am and couldn't give a fvck what anyone thinks of me, positive or negative.

Now, while I was the same person all along who she 'fell in love' with, she was not. Sure, she had the same personality, voice, physical features, you name it, but what changed was her mentality. Everything that we had set the foundation on for our relationship to succeed had suddenly been torn down and for reasons that were beyond my control. One big example was a loss in trust. I had never thought about, or acted on any urge I had to sleep with someone else. In the beginning she understood this, and had all of the faith in the world that I would make the right decision when put in a situation like that, and I always did.. We were in college so these situations happened frequently.. But eventually that changed, and for no reason what so ever. Did I make other mistakes? Sure... No one is perfect, but when someone with BPD acts on their raw emotion, there is no merit to their thought processes, and therefore my credibility with her slowly declined, for very very trivial reasons.

Soon enough everything became a game. The 'say one thing but want another' game is another hallmark symptom of this illness due to their uncanny need for validation. And she took it to extremes with me at some points in time. Soon after that, her thoughts became delusional, to a point where I wasn't allowed to do things on my own without her. She would cry and always tell me that she never thought we'd make it together, and tell me not to fvck other women even though she should have had absolutely no reason not to trust me. She would have anxiety attacks and cry all day when she had too many things due in school. I stayed up until 5 am one morning writing the 2nd half of her 50 page paper for her, just so she could sleep and not worry. Which leads me to my last, and final step in a BPD relationship. This is, you can do no right.

Yeah, that night I spent up, never mattered in the end. It truly was a waste of my time. Was she grateful at first? Sure.. but it lasted a whole 24 hours before it was thrown to the wayside. For BPD's it's a 'what more can you do to prove your love to me' type thing, all of the time. Any mistake I ever made was always brought to the forefront, no matter how minor. I got better at the end with not dealing with her shlt and just walking away, but I my phone would always blow up minutes later with calls about how she was sooooo sorry and that she's fvcked up. Don't fall for it guys, because the next thing you do wrong, no matter how minuscule, will be your undoing, over and over again.

It's been 4 months. I was the happiest man alive for the first 2 months of our breakup.. She was never on my mind. About 3 months in, her mental grasp began to reel me in and it has been a bit troublesome ever since. Best thing you can do, find someone else, someone who is capable of conducting a normal relationship. I have been seeing another woman for 3 months now and every time I am with her, she makes me feel like a king, the way I should have been treated, and it makes me that much more willing to treat her like a queen. It may not be as emotionally deep as the bond with your ex but remember that doing you and not being afraid to show off how happy and satisfied you are is another step to making your ex regret anything she ever did to you. Karma will come around, just be patient and have faith that things will work out. I am running 12 days NC and will keep counting with everyone.

 

[BeTheChange]

Soon enough everything became a game. The 'say one thing but want another' game is another hallmark symptom of this illness due to their uncanny need for validation. And she took it to extremes with me at some points in time. Soon after that, her thoughts became delusional, to a point where I wasn't allowed to do things on my own without her. She would cry and always tell me that she never thought we'd make it together, and tell me not to fvck other women even though she should have had absolutely no reason not to trust me. She would have anxiety attacks and cry all day when she had too many things due in school. I stayed up until 5 am one morning writing the 2nd half of her 50 page paper for her, just so she could sleep and not worry. Which leads me to my last, and final step in a BPD relationship. This is, you can do no right.

Yeah, that night I spent up, never mattered in the end. It truly was a waste of my time. Was she grateful at first? Sure.. but it lasted a whole 24 hours before it was thrown to the wayside. For BPD's it's a 'what more can you do to prove your love to me' type thing, all of the time. Any mistake I ever made was always brought to the forefront, no matter how minor. I got better at the end with not dealing with her shlt and just walking away, but I my phone would always blow up minutes later with calls about how she was sooooo sorry and that she's fvcked up. Don't fall for it guys, because the next thing you do wrong, no matter how minuscule, will be your undoing, over and over again.

Good post and you seem to have been handling it very well. She sounds like a textbook BPD. We only lasted as long as we did because I was selfish enough to rarely give into her ridiculous demands. Helping her write a 50 page paper definitely falls into that category. Always respect yourself and be aware:

Briffault's Laws


1. Past benefit provided by the male does not provide for continued or future association.

2. Any agreement where the male provides a current benefit in return for a promise of future association is null and void as soon as the male has provided the benefit.

3. A promise of future benefit has limited influence on current/future association, with the influence inversely proportionate to the length of time until the benefit will be given and directly proportionate to the degree to which the female trusts the male.


IMO BPDs are simply the most extreme version of the feminine.

It's been 4 months. I was the happiest man alive for the first 2 months of our breakup.. She was never on my mind. About 3 months in, her mental grasp began to reel me in and it has been a bit troublesome ever since. Best thing you can do, find someone else, someone who is capable of conducting a normal relationship. I have been seeing another woman for 3 months now and every time I am with her, she makes me feel like a king, the way I should have been treated, and it makes me that much more willing to treat her like a queen. It may not be as emotionally deep as the bond with your ex but remember that doing you and not being afraid to show off how happy and satisfied you are is another step to making your ex regret anything she ever did to you. Karma will come around, just be patient and have faith that things will work out. I am running 12 days NC and will keep counting with everyone.

Definitely agree here. BPDs can make you crazy and really distort your perspective on women. Finding a fun, decent woman can help for a number of reasons. Post breakup men are generally at their most vulnerable. Having a solid distraction avoids you getting sucked back in - BPDs are experts at making you believe things will be different, or worse transferring guilt on to you.

I saw my ex recently after a month or so of not speaking. She sent me speech after speech about how she had changed and understood all the things she'd done wrong (I had blocked her on whatsapp but forgotten to block her actual number) We spoke on the phone and I was thrown off by the fact she was saying quite perceptive things about herself to the point where she was either legitimately seeing the light or expertly parroting her therapist. I gave her the benefit of the doubt, let her come over, fvcked her and then she made me pancakes in the morning so I couldn't really complain.

"Truth" is a fluid concept for such women but I got as much out of her as I could. Seems she had ended things with another guy, him being the dumper, because she had continuously taken out her crazy on him, something I didn't really experience until 2 years into our relationship. Details were hazy as expected. I didn't think much about adding her into rotation as I was seeing other women. But it didn't take more than a few days for the the old signs to creep back up. I immediately called her up on it and told her I was done. I've blocked her number and whatsapp now so short of turning up to my house (a pointless endeavour) I won't be hearing from her again.

Point of the story is people rarely change and if they do it's only if and when they experience the significant loss necessary to prompt introspection. The problem with BPDs is that they never really attach themselves to people in the way that psychologically healthy individuals do and so cannot fully experience such loss when they view people as nothing more than interchangeable tools for their own happiness.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Day 12

I got used to the fact that we are not together anymore. I realized that i totally see her as an oneitis. It hurts and feels strange that someone who said something so beautiful to me actually act a total different way. Sometimes i with she would write me just to feel the pleasure of not writing back to her anymore. Sometimes i feel miserable about myself thinking about and wasting energy to a woman who toyed and played with my emotions. I am so glad that i began this no-contact challenge. Simply because i realized (and it will burn into my mind the more i read in this page) that this relationship was a total mess. I didnt do anything to keep it interesting for her, i was too available and too needy for her. I swam with the flow i personally paced. Her rejection literally made me drown into a swamp of negativ emotions (like: why i suck so much, why is she still complaining). I began working out a few days ago. I began having more and more social contact with other people. It still iches that i am "free" but this freedom feels a lot easier to live than being into a relationship. No contact to women till the last time i wrote so far.

Cu again in a few days - RoKKo

Dude, when a female is INTO you, you cannot be too available for her. And the neediness she will probably like. It's these fickle hot girls that's trying to catch a half dozen guys attention is the problem here. Not you.

 

[Roober]

Day 14
Well, I think I have begin to subconsciously accept that she is never coming back and being okay with it. I would still be really surprised if she ever contacts me again. I uninstalled snapchat because that was a bit of a hindrance and I have never used it before her. Kind of sucks cause my dad died today 5 years ago and she had agreed to go visit him with me. I have also begun to realize that I was building that relationship, not buying it. We didn't have much in common at all.

The thing I struggle with the most now is knowing everything I have picked up in the last month. While I am still new to everything, it bothers me to know that had I known this in the beginning, I wouldn't be in this situation. I would be in the driver's seat and dictating the relationship. Life lessons are brutal and I hate the fact that I am on the losing end. I don't like the feeling that she had all the power at the end and the willingness to walk away, while I sat there in pieces...

And missing her now has more of turned into missing having someone to talk to, confide in, talk about my day, or just BS with, not the emotional dependence I can feel slipping away... It is like I miss the companionship... I think dating other women will put the nail in our relationship coffin...

 

[BeTheChange]

And missing her now has more of turned into missing having someone to talk to, confide in, talk about my day, or just BS with, not the emotional dependence I can feel slipping away... It is like I miss the companionship... I think dating other women will put the nail in our relationship coffin...

This is it mate. Very hard to replace the companionship and this is what drives a lot of men to continue chasing their ex to the point of betadom.

Just put all that energy into finding a new more psychologically healthy chick and you'll miss her a lot less. Ultimately time is the biggest healer. Eventually you'll get used to walking alone again.

 

[Adz--]

Day 60+\lost count

Things have gotten a lot better now. Don't think of her and when I do it's only memories and hardly of any emotions attached to them. I Haven't heard from her since I last posted on here. I Do still get dreams from time to time but I can manage with them a lot better. I've just been focusing on my studies, going gym and fixing myself and moving forward with life no matter how small of a step I take. As long as I'm moving forward that is all that matters.

To all the guys on here. She will reach out to you. You will feel like crap, you will feel worthless but In The end you will win and you will be happier without her. Keep on going, all of you can do this. Keep it up djs!

Adz--

 

[BeTheChange]

It's also important to forgive your ex in time and also to forgive yourself for either your bad behaviour or for allowing yourself to get played. It's all part of the learning experience.

I've forgiven myself for what I did to my ex and know that when I meet a girl worthy of being in an LTR with me I will treat her like a queen. That isn't to say that I will become a snivelling beta. Merely that I will appreciate the value she has and treat her accordingly, while still acknowledging she has flaws and is a woman, which by their very nature tends them towards duplicity, selfishness and solopsism. For me, this is the best way to integrate red pill knowledge into a respect for women based on loving them for who they are, not what you want them to be. And of course being aware that should they give into their darker natures there is a contingency plan in place.

I've forgiven my ex for what she did to me also and wish her the best. I think it's necessary for my future growth to say this. And honestly im thankful because I am now on a much more positive trajectory in life that mat have not taken place if not for the catalyst that was the breakup. Leaving the past.

 

[Roober]

It's also important to forgive your ex in time and also to forgive yourself for either your bad behaviour or for allowing yourself to get played. It's all part of the learning experience.

I've forgiven myself for what I did to my ex and know that when I meet a girl worthy of being in an LTR with me I will treat her like a queen. That isn't to say that I will become a snivelling beta. Merely that I will appreciate the value she has and treat her accordingly, while still acknowledging she has flaws and is a woman, which by their very nature tends them towards duplicity, selfishness and solopsism. For me, this is the best way to integrate red pill knowledge into a respect for women based on loving them for who they are, not what you want them to be. And of course being aware that should they give into their darker natures there is a contingency plan in place.

I've forgiven my ex for what she did to me also and wish her the best. I think it's necessary for my future growth to say this. And honestly im thankful because I am now on a much more positive trajectory in life that mat have not taken place if not for the catalyst that was the breakup. Leaving the past.

I think that is part of the reason that I have a hard time with the breakup. Neither of us did anything to hurt one another. I feel like she basically just gave up on us because her own insecurities, the distance started, then my insecurities started showing up more... I don't feel angry, just disappointed, like she let me down

 

[BeTheChange]

I think that is part of the reason that I have a hard time with the breakup. Neither of us did anything to hurt one another. I feel like she basically just gave up on us because her own insecurities, the distance started, then my insecurities started showing up more... I don't feel angry, just disappointed, like she let me down

She still dumped you and is probably fvcking another guy as we speak. There's always something you can forgive her for.

Either way it's unimportant. She's no longer in your life. I guarantee she has moved on. So should you.

 

[Carpathian]

She still dumped you and is probably fvcking another guy as we speak. There's always something you can forgive her for.

Either way it's unimportant. She's no longer in your life. I guarantee she has moved on. So should you.

I partly agree. And, yes, you should move on. But, it is not guaranteed that she is ramming some other dude now; people and life are more complex than that. Possible for sure but not always. She could just be fvkked up and does not know what she wants. However, for sure, she does not want Roober. At least at the moment. But she will. Almost certainly. It is what you do THEN, when the phone call comes, that matters. And I'd counsel Roober to walk away from her. In my experience going back never works. Something is broken for them to have split up with you even the one time.

 

[Roober]

Day 20

Did not have a good weekend, thought about her a ton. Thoughts I cannot change, but only learn from...
-I could have saved it if I recognized the problem earlier...
-Our last conversation and how I had so much more I wanted to say...
-I can't get over the feeling that she was a good one that I pushed away, even though the stupid BS things I didn't like about her...

Had a couple sleepless nights. My mom was in town all week, so we talked quite a bit, but didn't seem to help. She's a bit negative, so I think that fed into it a little bit. Had two situations with interest, one with a bartender I had seen the week before and another with a waitress, didn't notice anything outside of that. Didn't approach anyone as I was with my mom most of the time, sounds bad, but I was ready for her to leave. Didn't really get any alone time in the last week and I feel like it was just draining me...

Realized I want to get into things I have always wanted to do to keep myself busy, so for December I found a free salsa class, I intend to look for piano lessons and start playing basketball at the gym for cardio. Also going to focus on wasting less time, no more TV, sports, social media, and others. Got a little crazy on the bar hopping the past couple weeks, so will have to keep it cheap for December.

My exwife knows something is up and keeps prying with, "what is wrong with you?" BS.... beginning to believe I might have some deep-seeded issues that I need more professional insight on, or maybe this is just the beginning of acceptance that it is over?

 

[BeTheChange]

I partly agree. And, yes, you should move on. But, it is not guaranteed that she is ramming some other dude now; people and life are more complex than that. Possible for sure but not always. She could just be fvkked up and does not know what she wants. However, for sure, she does not want Roober. At least at the moment. But she will. Almost certainly. It is what you do THEN, when the phone call comes, that matters. And I'd counsel Roober to walk away from her. In my experience going back never works. Something is broken for them to have split up with you even the one time.

Your post is essentially a variant of "Not all women are like that" (NAWALT). Women crave security and this is amplified tenfold during the post break up period. Furthermore women very rarely initiate break ups unless they have some kind of parachute ready.

It is highly likely she already had/has another man satisfying her needs. To think otherwise, is an act of fantasy.

 

[Roober]

Incredibly high probability she cheated on you fyi...mad yet?

I believe she started talking to someone the last month or so of our relationship as she started to get more distant. Wouldn't be surprised if she hooked up the weekend before she ended it as I didn't hear from her all weekend.

Your post is essentially a variant of "Not all women are like that" (NAWALT). Women crave security and this is amplified tenfold during the post break up period. Furthermore women very rarely initiate break ups unless they have some kind of parachute ready.

It is highly likely she already had/has another man satisfying her needs. To think otherwise, is an act of fantasy.

Agreed! If they didn't have a parachute, they would miss their ex and reach out. Complete radio silence speaks volumes... either way, I need to move on.

 

[Roober]

I've actually witnessed in some Social Circles where the women are incestuous and bounce around from man to man... if the men can manage to stay loyal to each other they can often compare notes about when the girl is texting each of them..."she stopped texting me" "oh she just texted me" like clockwork, it's a zero sum game. Modern women can't be alone for 5 seconds, which is why if you dump them before the have a backup in place you well get a deluge of communication. Actually someone did a study on this here once.

It's just human nature, both sexes do it.

She likely won't miss me until that guy drops her or dates around a bit and realizes she what she had. Hopefully that doesn't happen anytime soon because I may not be strong enough yet to resist. It's weird... I dated a girl when I was 20 and she dumped me after 9 months of dating for another dude (same weak needy BS). I let her back in after 3 months, and we stayed together for 2 years until I broke up with her for my exwife... After we had gotten back together from the split, she was wayyyyyy more invested in the relationship than I was. However, looking back, I should have stayed single for a while...

Branch swinging does not fix the problems within... my emotional dependence on women is frightening and I need to fix that... part of the reason I am so torn about even meeting women right now...