The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Broken_heart83]

Day 6
Background: met this girl at work in august. Went out for about two months, where during that time i have offered her just a "no strings" attached relationship seeing how i am going to move out of town in less than a year (although i would have been happy to have a lifetime partner). She said that she wanted to move with me as she didnt really like her job anymore anyways. During that time, she dropped the L-Bomb on me. Things were going great and that resulted in me letting my guard down. After her 1 week trip, she text-dumped me saying she needed time for herself and that she wasnt ready for a long term relationship. I feel betrayed. I broke NC twice last week: first time, i wanted closure and wanted an explanation but seeing her, i didnt want any explanation and just left after making sure she was ok. Second time, my ex texted me to give me back my stuff and i ended up telling her to dump everything in the garbage.

So now on day 6 of NC. This morning was really hard waking up. So currently sharing my experience

Another issue is that i have ordered a custom made non-refundable winter coat for my ex. I hate wasting $$$: i would have thrown it out upon reception if it didnt cost me 400$. Planning on dropping it at her door the day i receive without any note or anything. Is that appropriate in a situation of NC?

 

[Roober]

Day 6
Background: met this girl at work in august. Went out for about two months, where during that time i have offered her just a "no strings" attached relationship seeing how i am going to move out of town in less than a year (although i would have been happy to have a lifetime partner). She said that she wanted to move with me as she didnt really like her job anymore anyways. During that time, she dropped the L-Bomb on me. Things were going great and that resulted in me letting my guard down. After her 1 week trip, she text-dumped me saying she needed time for herself and that she wasnt ready for a long term relationship. I feel betrayed. I broke NC twice last week: first time, i wanted closure and wanted an explanation but seeing her, i didnt want any explanation and just left after making sure she was ok. Second time, my ex texted me to give me back my stuff and i ended up telling her to dump everything in the garbage.

So now on day 6 of NC. This morning was really hard waking up. So currently sharing my experience

Another issue is that i have ordered a custom made non-refundable winter coat for my ex. I hate wasting $$$: i would have thrown it out upon reception if it didnt cost me 400$. Planning on dropping it at her door the day i receive without any note or anything. Is that appropriate in a situation of NC?

$400 gift after two months? eesh... got a family member or friend that wants it? Maybe donate it? Hold onto it for another girl?

Do not give it to her, that is totally breaking NC

 

[Broken_heart83]

Wintercoat was custom made to her measurements. Guess i could give it to another friend. Just need to find the fit but i woulda like to avoid the constant reminder of my ex when i see the coat. At worse, i can shove it in a drawer until the NC period has passed, and she asks for her other stuff back and leave it to her then

 

[Roober]

Day 1

Broke up last night. The seriousness of our relationship scared her, which to me says she still wants to get around. Pretty confident she won't reach out. Been making a list of things which I should not have ignored. I can look back at this when I feel the urge to break no contact.

-She starts work at 7am, and would call me at 715, "running late" regularly - illustrates crappy work ethic
-This may sound stupid, but she is wildly inefficient... probably helps explain why she always feels busy...
-She doesn't cook or clean - I cook a lot and keep my shizz clean...
-When she stays over, she lays in bed till 11am... I am an 8-9am guy... I don't mind being lazy, but jeez....
-Parenting wise? My ex-wife used to drive me crazy because she wouldn't spend time with the boys cause of "projects". This girl doesn't spend time with her kid because of herself
-She is 29: lives with parents, expects them to help with her kid, they are giving her a car, charge very little for rent, don't give her any chores, etc... spoiled!
-She has zero credit - i got her her first credit card 3 months ago (mine is at 840, so this is important)
-She's a single mom, who got dumped with a 4-month old. What kind of woman gets dumped with a 4-month old?
-She is "highly independent" and likes alone time... a lot of it, so she....
-she watches TV and reads
-No hobbies or anything interesting
-She doesn't exercise, eat well, or take care of herself. It is amazing how slim she is...
-She is not growing. I got irked when she gave me crap for watching TED Talks, and reading training books (I work in corporate training and development)
-She almost always seems either moody or tired
-Constantly something wrong with her, gassy, bloated, upset stomach, etc.
-We had a pregnancy scare after two months, and she was really upset when it didn't happen.... EESH!
-She had sex with her ex when he was married about 2 years ago (they have been split up for 5 years)... maybe less?
-She has had what I guess to be 30-40 partners...

/end rant

On the plus side, this was a fantastic learning experience. She communicated with me, and allowed me to identify the problems with myself. While it does hurt, I will be so much better for it.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

$400 gift after two months? eesh... got a family member or friend that wants it? Maybe donate it? Hold onto it for another girl?

Do not give it to her, that is totally breaking NC

The gifts are stupid, unless she's spending money like that on you. There is no gain in it in a majority of todays women. They will respect you LESS for being generous.

 

[Broken_heart83]

The gifts are stupid, unless she's spending money like that on you. There is no gain in it in a majority of todays women. They will respect you LESS for being generous.

Good point. Will probably give it to a friend of mine. Will not break NC for that, not keep the coat until NC is over. I love my ex and believe she has her own reason for letting go, and giving her the coat will not be easy on me nor her

 

[Carpathian]

Day 6
<snip>
Another issue is that i have ordered a custom made non-refundable winter coat for my ex. I hate wasting $$$: i would have thrown it out upon reception if it didnt cost me 400$. Planning on dropping it at her door the day i receive without any note or anything. Is that appropriate in a situation of NC?

WTF? Are you insane? That will make you look a pathetic, weasly wuss.... You should rather see it in the trash than give it to HER. Please tell us you did not give it to her?

 

[Carpathian]

They will respect you LESS for being generous.

100% correct. Being overly generous makes you look pathetic and weak, like you are having to be generous to cover up for some serious lack in your character elsewhere or you feel that in buying her things you are, infact, buying HER. This is laughably wrong and a lot of guys make this mistake (me included in my AFC days...). You buy gifts and presents for your serious and long term partner and even then ONLY IF SHE RECIPROCATES.

 

[BeTheChange]

Happy Birthday b*tch!

 

[Broken_heart83]

Mmm. Thought this was a support group. There are ways to say things upfront without making people feel like ****. And no, i did not give her the coat

 

[RoKKo]

Day 12

I got used to the fact that we are not together anymore. I realized that i totally see her as an oneitis. It hurts and feels strange that someone who said something so beautiful to me actually act a total different way. Sometimes i with she would write me just to feel the pleasure of not writing back to her anymore. Sometimes i feel miserable about myself thinking about and wasting energy to a woman who toyed and played with my emotions. I am so glad that i began this no-contact challenge. Simply because i realized (and it will burn into my mind the more i read in this page) that this relationship was a total mess. I didnt do anything to keep it interesting for her, i was too available and too needy for her. I swam with the flow i personally paced. Her rejection literally made me drown into a swamp of negativ emotions (like: why i suck so much, why is she still complaining). I began working out a few days ago. I began having more and more social contact with other people. It still iches that i am "free" but this freedom feels a lot easier to live than being into a relationship. No contact to women till the last time i wrote so far.

Cu again in a few days - RoKKo

 

[Carpathian]

Mmm. Thought this was a support group. There are ways to say things upfront without making people feel like ****. And no, i did not give her the coat

Dude, we say things as they are here, what good would our advice be otherwise? Yes, we are a support group. and advice forum. "Support" and "advice" can sometimes mean shocking people out of bad habits and ways of conducting themselves with women and other people generally. We'll all tell you the truth as it is; we're not a buttered up "softly-softly" shoulder to cry on. That does NOTHING to help you, indeed, it'll make you worse.
Good job on not giving her the coat. Now grow a set, man up and see yourself as a person of value who will not be subjected to this sh1t from that woman or any other woman. Do NOT reach out to her on any account, for any reason. She must do ALL the running and chasing from now on.

 

[Roober]

Day 3

every day has highs and lows, definitely more even keeled now. Sleeping a lot better! Kind of wishing she would reach out, but I honestly don't think it's going to happen. I started seeing her snapchat story again somehow, where I hadn't in 2+ weeks... I looked like a dingdong... got reminded why this is a blessing in disguise; a selfie with "So purrrdy"... Also, she didn't look happy in any of her snaps... Going out with my cousin tonight for salsa lessons then whatever, haven't made plans for Saturday, going to a bar on Sunday to watch football...

Bad thoughts come in like..
-email her mom, great to meet her, sucks it didn't work out, and telling her to stop spoiling her kid
-reaching out to her friend
-What if I am alone for forever?
-Will I ever find anyone?

Having a support system is invaluable, my cousin, and two good friends...

 

[BeTheChange]

Happy Birthday b*tch!

Probably been about 3 weeks since I last spoke to the ex. Decided the effort of keeping her round as a fvck buddy wasn't worth the hassle. I think of all the sh*t that girl did to me and I'm infuriated. Not worth the emotional energy even if the s3x is good.

Text me today asking why I hadn't messaged her on her birthday. Then sent me a similar message on Facebook. I simply ignored them and now will continue to do so.

Keep it up lads. Definitely worth it. You won't truly open your mind to the numerous opportunities with other women until you cut your ex off.

 

[Roober]

Day 6
Weekend had highs and lows. Don't feel much better actually. Went out both Friday and Saturday, and hung out with some good friends all weekend, they have been checking in on me. Not getting a lot of sleep seems to make things worse, as we were out till about 4am each night and I woke around 9... I feel like I still give off the "taken" vibe, just realized I am not ready to approach women yet. While out though, been practicing eye contact and smiling, definitely some good interest out there, just cant get my ex out of my head...

It really sucks that she has not even reached out. I was hoping for at least something. I guess it just shows how far gone the relationship was... I have realized that I had a very unhealthy dependence on her attention...

Thought a lot about what we last talked about and I can't get out of my head that she feels this breakup was mutual. I want to just reach out and say something like.. "If you change your mind about us, I would love to hear from you."

My goal this week is take care of the body... sleep, exercise, and rest...

 

[RoKKo]

Day 14

Hi! Today i had some sort of a flashy-moment. I thought to myself, what i didn't do because of my girl. The biggest thing that i wanted to do was to travel through thailand. I planned this tour months ago and found myself finding excuses why i didnt want to go. Some of them were plans with my ex (including a vacation to amsterdam).
Then i realized that it wasn't her fault at all. She did her girl-thing by somehow changing my thoughts about different themes. And suddenly it came:
I HAVE LOST MYSELF AND I DIDNT EVEN NOTICED THAT I HAVE BECOME A PERSON WHICH I WOULDNT WANT TO BECOME!
The guy in which she was interested changed himself to someone significantly dull instead of the shining person he was. I lost sight of my personal dreams, plans and things i desire and changed .... no -> bent myself to a version of myself, which i thought she would like and desire. If i were her, i would have lost interest in him as well because he wasnt fully himself...
Now i am to the point where i ask myself: how can i make sure, that this wont happen again. Hopefully the informations on this page will help me find my answer.

Cu in a few days - RoKKo

 

[Raiker]

Day 3

Still feel terrible, got blindsided by this break up. Thinking back, I realize there were warning signs the last two months but I talked with her about it and rationalized it off. I asked myself this morning if I'd really want to be with her again. Gut move is yes, obviously, but I also realize that to really be comfortable with her again, she would have to change so much from what she has been the last couple of months that it's just unrealistic. She stopped being the caring girl I knew, downright disrespectful at times while I ramped up trying to show her I cared. She's changed, it's so clear to me now. I miss the hell outta her, but not really who she is now but what she was before.

I understand the whole no talking no reminiscing no looking at pictures eventually you'll stop thinking about her. Honestly, I know that's what needs to be done but I also hate that idea. I hate the idea that I gave so much to this girl, as she honestly did for me in return, had the best times of our lives together, loved each other genuinely and now I'm literally working to forget her. It just feels dirty in a way. I feel like I'm grieving a ghost of a girl, a person who cared deeply about me, and that to move on, I have to forget the good things about her and all she did for me.

I know that in a couple months I won't remember what it's like to be with her. I just find that sad- you can give your soul to someone and then a few months later forget what that ever felt like. Just some stray thoughts that I've had this last couple days.

I'll stay strong on the NC. I want to talk to her, but I'm certain whatever I say will just be weak in her eyes and she has nothing good to say to me back.

 

[Roober]

Day 3

Still feel terrible, got blindsided by this break up. Thinking back, I realize there were warning signs the last two months but I talked with her about it and rationalized it off. I asked myself this morning if I'd really want to be with her again. Gut move is yes, obviously, but I also realize that to really be comfortable with her again, she would have to change so much from what she has been the last couple of months that it's just unrealistic. She stopped being the caring girl I knew, downright disrespectful at times while I ramped up trying to show her I cared. She's changed, it's so clear to me now. I miss the hell outta her, but not really who she is now but what she was before.

I understand the whole no talking no reminiscing no looking at pictures eventually you'll stop thinking about her. Honestly, I know that's what needs to be done but I also hate that idea. I hate the idea that I gave so much to this girl, as she honestly did for me in return, had the best times of our lives together, loved each other genuinely and now I'm literally working to forget her. It just feels dirty in a way. I feel like I'm grieving a ghost of a girl, a person who cared deeply about me, and that to move on, I have to forget the good things about her and all she did for me.

I know that in a couple months I won't remember what it's like to be with her. I just find that sad- you can give your soul to someone and then a few months later forget what that ever felt like. Just some stray thoughts that I've had this last couple days.

I'll stay strong on the NC. I want to talk to her, but I'm certain whatever I say will just be weak in her eyes and she has nothing good to say to me back.

It's rough dude... NC is the only way to go. I am on one week now and haven't heard a peep unlike a lot of guys here, that is probably the most disappointing thing. I wasn't blindsided like you were, so I imagine that is even more difficult. Delete her number from your phone, delete all texts, remove all pics, get rid of everything that reminds you of her, remove her from ALL of your social media. It will get better. The two-week mark seems like the magic spot where you begin to realize that you don't "need" her...

Something I found also helped, make a list of red flags and yellow flags, go for 50!

Red flags are things you will not compromise with a girl. For example, smoking, hanging out with ex, etc...
Yellow flags are things you don't like but are willing to put up with. For example, bad or no credit for me...

It is interesting to see how many red flags your ex has... my ex is conceited, lazy, and has terrible work ethic, but claims she is always busy...

 

[Roober]

Day 7
I know it has only been one day since my last update, but I just had a moment. I realized my ex really had no personality, she didn't have hobbies, she was always on social media, and she is really sort of am empty narcissist. She has relied so heavily on her looks (I would say she's a strong 7 that thinks she is a 9), and really doesn't have much else to offer.

It is kind of sad really, probably makes sense why I struggled to find good conversation with her like I used to have with my ex-wife...

 

[Carpathian]

It's rough dude... NC is the only way to go. I am on one week now and haven't heard a peep unlike a lot of guys here, that is probably the most disappointing thing. I wasn't blindsided like you were, so I imagine that is even more difficult. Delete her number from your phone, delete all texts, remove all pics, get rid of everything that reminds you of her, remove her from ALL of your social media. It will get better. The two-week mark seems like the magic spot where you begin to realize that you don't "need" her...

Something I found also helped, make a list of red flags and yellow flags, go for 50!

Red flags are things you will not compromise with a girl. For example, smoking, hanging out with ex, etc...
Yellow flags are things you don't like but are willing to put up with. For example, bad or no credit for me...

It is interesting to see how many red flags your ex has... my ex is conceited, lazy, and has terrible work ethic, but claims she is always busy...

Hang in there.
Also, you say "I am on one week now and haven't heard a peep unlike a lot of guys here". Dude, one week is no time at all. She won't start to miss you on a deep, emotional level until after about eight weeks. It varies person to person but two months plus is what is really needed. Total silence from you. She is almost 100% certain to reach out. It's what you do THEN that this thread is really all about.....