The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[BeTheChange]

"But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?"

 

[Gaysha]

Yesterday was day 58 and I broke no contact. I'm not proud nor do I think it was a mistake. I wanted to send her a message so I did.
You can judge me if you want, I know what I feel in my heart and that is only love.
Yes - she ****ed me over, yes - she broke up with me, yes - I cried like a baby and yes - I've moved on.

I have forgiven her everything and what's more important - I have forgiven myself for giving her more chances she deserved. I know she is ****ed up because of the circumstances in her life (God knows I would be) and she doesn't know how to help herself. I pity her.

As I said, I've moved on. Really. My life is finally back in my hands, I've improved, I'm seeing someone new and now I know better what things to look for in a person.
I sent my ex a message saying how I want her to be happy etc. She responded and was nice towards me. She has a new girlfriend too and I don't mind that.
I only want her the best. I have zero anger towards her. I have zero desire of talking to her, I don't want her back, I don't want to know what happened in her life for the past 2 months we were silent.
I am so happy I've reached this state.

Once again, you can judge me, but I know I did the right thing (could've sent the message in 2-3 months but okay), it was human.
I'm all about 'you only live once' when it comes to emotions and I don't start loving someone so easily.
It was nice while it lasted but life goes on.

 

[Tony197]

Day 21 No Contact.
Day 8 No Snooping.
2.5 months Post BU.

I don't want to make contact. I don't want to social media snoop. That's huge progress from where I was a month ago, or even a week ago. Still spending a lot of time on Love Shack and Relationship Talk reading articles about GIGS. Yes, there are better uses of my time, but it is therapeutic to see soooo many other dudes (and girls) have gone through 92% identical situations. Really, I'm just taking the breakup less personally and understanding it truly was about her, not me.

Minor Contact from her - Funnily enough, she and I belong to the same Private FB Group. Anytime someone posts something everybody gets a notification and you can see who saw your post. She posted something, which I ignored (I ignore everyone's posts because I'm going ghost as best I can). However, yesterday I posted something and she "Liked" it. What's funny is, the last time she "Liked" something of mine was exactly 20 days after the first time I went NC. Not reading into it, just found it an interesting coincidence. Even if she's trying to smoke me out, I get so SOOOO much power from staying silent. Feels good.

 

[Carpathian]

No one judges you Gaysha. We are all human and irrespective of threads like this, we must do what we feel is right in our heart. That allows us to look in the mirror and say to ourselves "I did the right thing for me".

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 36

Carmen.

 

[Firestar786]

Day 42 - 6 weeks

Another two weeks to go

Surprisingly I'm starting to forget her even more and just constantly thinking of new positive things in my life.

My gym training is going well, as is business even better than it's ever been.

There is a slight lingering feeling but I can only imagine that would also disappear in so many months.

I do look forward to eventually moving in, stabilising aspects of my life and then eventually finding the right woman. In that order.

 

[PantyWhisperer]

I'm on day 67 NC and I know what you mean about trying not to social media snoop. It's a tough part of this. Another thing I'm doing is also going full ghost on all of my SM accounts and haven't posted anything anywhere in 19 days. That is to starve her bc she always looks at my snaps or likes an occasional post. It's her way of keeping tabs on me and feeling like I'm still there, in reserve, in case she wants to reach out to me. She has contacted me directly 3 times over these 67 days and I ignored all of them, the most recent being a week ago. It's harder than you think to get in the habit of not sharing pics out to Insta or Facebook, especially when something cool happens that you want to share.
Good luck all!

 

[BeTheChange]

"I still want her"

To acknowledge that statement alone is so utterly freeing. I've spent the last 35 days trying to convince myself it was her fault, that she is trash anyway. It is just not true. I am the man. I am the leader. I should have set the high standards of behaviour necessary for a healthy relationship.

She was already damaged, I will not deny that, but I broke this girl. The world had to feel my turmoil and anguish. She was collateral damage. And you know the worst thing? The fact that she needed me, gave me even less motivation to change my ways. I knew I could take out my inner chaos on her with no repercussions.

Who was the one who ruined every consistent tranquil period because of my own frustration at life?

Who was the one who normalised constant breakups over the most minor slights?

Who was the one who blocked numbers immediately after these "breakups" and in doing so not only triggered constant insecurities within the relationship but let her believe this was normal behaviour?

Who was the one who constantly told her she was replaceable?

Who was the one who constantly talked about fvcking other women and that I would be doing so as soon as we ever broke up?

Who was the one who stepped out at any opportunity?

Who was the one who fvcked escorts, while she slept and then came back, heading straight to the shower to wash their d*ck?

Who was the one who first laid a finger on the other?

Who was the one who constantly emotionally and physically abused the other?

Who was the one who needed to see her desperate in agony for me to stay for my own validation?

I'm not saying she is not somewhere along the BPD spectrum. But I have consistently tried to fit all her behaviours and motivations on to this BPD narrative in order to assuage my own concerns about myself. But the cognitive dissonance is too much. No more.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I will not break NC, because I've come too far now to go backwards and to be frank I have too much pride.

More importantly, I came to need her for my happiness and that cannot be. I have to be happy on my own again.

But once I am healed, once I am fixed I will find her or I will find someone else. This could take months, this could take years. But I know I am not ready to start a relationship with anyone right now and for a long time. Not until I become something more than what I was.

 

[xstang77]

Ugh I need support or a sponsor or something! Lol I'm day 48 nc I'm out of the fog however after a month of nc she sent me a hey on fb then last week she texts me "who is this? Random number in my phone.." Then the same an hour later . Mind you I've had the same number for years including the 2 years we were together,then just now she messages me on Facebook just saying my name with a ... I'm fighting to stay strong mind you I haven't had ***** in almost 2 months. I'm worried the ***** is gonna tell me she has AIDS or std's or something.

 

[BeTheChange]

Go doink someone else then.

 

[SuccessIsDestiny]

New to the forum great posts and feedback. Coming up on our two year anniversary I get the we need to talk speech. Boom drops the bomb things aren't the same. I tried to talk and sort out the real issues and it was a no go it was a done deal.

Since then she texted me to drop the rest of my things off but I told her to drop them at my brothers since I was busy and he lives a few minutes away from her (my way of initiating no contact). I didn't tell her that was the reason why. She texted back a little pissed saying she would wait to drop it off a different day. But I texted her that would be easier.

She texted me on bday a couple of weeks ago but I didn't bother to reply(maintain NC). All in all I went with my gut on my actions. This no contact period is giving way to more clarity about the situation and helping me move on. It's tough been a roller coaster ride since.

DAY 22

 

[Carpathian]

@BeTheChange Ultimately time and time alone makes these longings and flashbacks of the past disappear.

My ex wants to start having hook ups with me no strings attached. How tempting is that?! Her DD's in my face again is a very appealing prospect but I know my weakness for her - it took e three months to get her out of my every thought- and know that I will get drawn back in again and risks ruining my new relationship.

 

[Carpathian]

@SuccessIsDestiny You are holding your frame brilliantly, well done. Avoiding her during the item exchange was an excellent move (adds value to you as well because you showed her you did not need to see her "one final time", something that she probably wanted). Also ignoring her on the birthday.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 37

Perhaps the first day I've truly realised that NC is all about you. The woman is not significant.

Focus on the self.

 

[FinallyFree]

Hey Alex,
I read your posts here in the NC-thread, and I think you know the deal with BPD. So to me it seems there is only one thing left to do for you, or two:
1. Just forgive her. BPDs are pathological liars, almost have no self-concept or at least a very fragile one so they adopt yours, because they can´t be alone. From my experience with my BPD-Ex I think theese girls felt so much unimaginable pain in their childhood and even later in their down-peirods (feeling dpressed, lonly, empty) as adults, err in an adult body, because emotionally they are like 3-year old child. Ever seen a 3-year old child that has remorse or conscience or takes resposibility? No they just don´t have theese and BPDs don´t have it either because of this f@cked up disease, but so many Ex-Lovers of BPDs except them to have it. But it just won´t happen. Never! I think that´s also one of the points, why you won´t get any closure with theese girls. You just have to make it for own.

Another thing is about abandonment. They have been abandoned as childs. Just imagine the incredible pain. As chils they had no chance to do anything against the
life-threathing abuse they experienced! It is an existential fear of them to be abandoned, therefore they have to abandon you in a break up not the other way round, it´s essential for their survival! I hope you get what I mean, they have to win, they have to be in control, as little child they had no control. Of course I´m no psychologist, but as psychologists usually don´t deal with BPDs in the context of a love relationship, how should they know better than a guy or a girl that was in love with a BPD?
At least the above written is my own point of view, it helped me to forgive her, she doesn´t know better, but I know.
2. Just forgive yourself for thinking you have being fooled.
Man this is a PickUp forum here, you get the tools to seduce some nice woman and BPDs are somehow just Naturals. However BPDs as emotionally 3 year old childs in a mature body are not aware of that they seduce with destructive and dangerous consequences for their loved ones.
So if you get out alive of such a toxic rs. Be happy and don´t be so serious about who did the break up first or even about being fooled?
All this "I wish I break up with her first." stuff is just an EGO-thing (in my opinion this applies to rs with BPDs or NONs). Detach your emotions and your EGO and you are free. Just get over it, fastlane has some nice posts here to do it.
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/index....confidence-how-to-be-you.233590/#post-2332401
Take your own responsibility and don´t play the blame game!

The other day I had a fortune cookie with a nice saying
'Love is a game in which both players cheat.'

Really good post man. It never helps me get over her when people on here post about "throwing BPDs in torture cells for how they manipulate love" etc.

She was hurt BAD as a child. When her family was done abusing her, it would be off to be bullied at school, so she found the internet at a young age and got bullied there.

I have deep empathy for this person no matter how much terrible, life shattering **** she's done to me. I was one of the few lights she had in life, who gave her emotional support and a daily routine. Then she relapsed, almost like someone having Vietnam flashbacks, and I was the enemy.

Wanting to punish them for being evil will just draw you back in and make you blow up their phone with insulting texts then break down with regret.

They are ALREADY experiencing extreme pain and emptiness. You will be an idiot shoveling more **** onto the pile and that's why they ignore you. All you can do is let go.

 

[SuccessIsDestiny]

@Carpathian Thanks. I had a similar situation with an ex reach out to hook up and I did. No reason to go down that road again. Go with your instincts and focus on the new relationship.

DAY 23

I'm still going through the ups and downs of the process still contemplating on reaching out. My friend that introduced us told me she reached out to him to see how I was doing responded Great!....that's all she gets I'm gonna stay strong and hold my boundaries.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 0

Called her yesterday. She told me she was in love with someone else and didn't want to be with me anymore. Told her to come round. Said she had a date with the guy, but would come over beforehand.

Told her I'd grown a lot and saw things differently. She wasn't receptive. I kept pushing. The guy she was meant to be on a date with was calling/ texting and she delayed it so I decided to keep trying. Basically played some serious beta game. Eventually she succumbed. Smashed her about 5 times last night and this morning.

Wasn't the same. I don't think I like her as I used to. It was partly an ego thing...to know I could still have her.... We want to "make things work" but I'm not even sure anymore and I'm definitely not giving up all the plates I'm racking up...it's crazy out there right now.

 

[xstang77]

Day 0

Called her yesterday. She told me she was in love with someone else and didn't want to be with me anymore. Told her to come round. Said she had a date with the guy, but would come over beforehand.

Told her I'd grown a lot and saw things differently. She wasn't receptive. I kept pushing. The guy she was meant to be on a date with was calling/ texting and she delayed it so I decided to keep trying. Basically played some serious beta game. Eventually she succumbed. Smashed her about 5 times last night and this morning.

Wasn't the same. I don't think I like her as I used to. It was partly an ego thing...to know I could still have her.... We want to "make things work" but I'm not even sure anymore and I'm definitely not giving up all the plates I'm racking up...it's crazy out there right now.

Bro come on,I thought we were in this together time wise, I'm not hating but you've given me helpful tough love and I'll give it back,I knew this might happen to you from the sounds of your last update. You gave in to the guilt and denial stage that hits hard around that time period. If your spinning other plates there's no reason to do this if I can stay strong with no plates and coming home to an empty house every night and mine still contacting me. You got a pitty **** from her and gave up your dignity don't give in again,stay strong brother.

 

[BeTheChange]

@xstang77

Not sure I'd call it pity sex because now she is currently blowing up my phone. Don't know how to leave it but yes shouldn't have given in. It's definitely a case of wanting what you can't have. When she was walking down the street a week ago she looked like the golden girl who could have any man she wanted. Im not saying she isn't pretty (HB9) but now I'm actually with her and she's told me about the guys she was seeing (IMO I am on paper better than them all) I don't feel like I desire her anywhere near as much....

 

[S. Aureus]

Day don't remember
It is actually weird and sad that people near me couldn't tell me about horrible things that she did because they didn't want to "hurt" me.
So the other girl I'm actually seeing, her ex is dating my ex. She is better is all I can say. But I don't know if you guys had this tv ad about a car insurance about Hunter. She is like that, "if it goes, it will come back". Like a fuc#%ng boomerang.
Maybe she hasn't forget her ex so I'm actually thinking of going low contact. But it'll be difficult because I see her in all my uni class.
If this doesn't work, I had to search for another plate but nothing serious, I think that I can go for a lot of 18-19 years old that I gave her some class (I'm 21 years).