The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[BeTheChange]

I know there are likely to be more bumps in the road but just wanted to say I am SO happy I did this. At day 16 NC I feel so liberated. I'll be honest, at this stage I would still take my ex back (eventually) although I accept I may feel differently by day 60. But that is not the point. What I am seeing is that right now most of the time I am genuinely happy being alone and it feels great to be getting back to that person who is content with himself.

On an unrelated note found this to be an interesting post. Mirrors my situation quite heavily. Pain and wrong doing on both sides. Might have been a good relationship if we had both acknowledged our issues and tried to deal with them in a healthier way.

Whoa, buddy, whoa...

First, I missed that bpd was already mentioned. Sorry, I skipped down after missing a page. It has been a while, and the format is different again.

It's shades of gray for my gal and I. We've been through some terrible and traumatic stuff a while back, and it's caused huge damage to our lives. "Pursue" is a strong word: we were married without the contract. She and I are going through grief and recently started to clear up misunderstandings by communicating again. We were both victims, both affected, but of course, in our society...

Well, I'm the Boogeyman, so she's been in denial.

I don't care to get all into how convoluted the mess is. Let's just say that it's not a clear-cut case. Also, personalities are affected by our environment, malleable, and temporary (if you want to change). I've been seeing a psychiatrist and working through PTSD, and my gal and I value each other highly, but were unaware of effects and dysfunction, until a major event blew us apart.

We were both damaged, otherwise, the relationship would be awesome. I (we) already bought the relationship, and it's worth fixing, as neither were aware of underlying issues. You don't just buy a new house if a hail storm trashes your roof, right? She is facing some facts, and accepting some of the "hard to digest" parts, but, I am surely watching the commitment levels on her end. Lot's of stuff needs to be worked through, and she is being accountable, so there is a good chance that she's motivated and committed.

In my case, I've assessed the damages, and it's worth servicing. Brad's deal might be different. One thing is for sure: it's a good time to brush-up my game and be mindful again. You know, spin plates, see what's around, meditate, do my thing. It's heavy-duty drama, but we aren't quite divorced, just separated.

Who knows what's next. *Shrug*

 

[BeTheChange]

Had a chat with a friend tonight. Told him the whole thing. Initially he argued it was my fault. That I had a good thing. A virgin to be molded. I should have been the leader and I abused the responsibility. He's right. Although when I elaborated on some of the things she'd done, the pendulum swung and he admitted we were both to blame but that ultimately it was on me because as a 19 year old virgin (when we met) she had potential which was crushed out of her. And he's right. I did destroy a beautiful thing. If I'd been a more well adjusted guy then perhaps things could have been happily ever after.

But I've long ago understood that regret serves no one. If I am truly sorry, which I am, the best thing is to leave her to her own path in life and work on becoming the kind of man that would never treat a woman like this again. If she comes back then she comes back but regardless, I am on this solitary path to finally conquering my demons.

I WILL become a better man.

I WILL make sure this never happens again.

I WILL treat women with appropriate respect because to abuse them is to disrespect myself in the process

I WILL set the standards of good behaviour in any future relationships rather than promoting a race to the bottom where disrespect becomes common place

I WILL atone for my sins and mistakes, not by writing some convoluted email to my ex, begging for forgiveness or by pedestalising all women but by taking ACTION to be become the better man I know I am capable of being. My therapy begins as soon as I return from Italy. No excuses. The time for change is now.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 17

I've just awoke from a vivid dream. Could this have anything to do with my previous post. Here it is

The dream

It’s late at night

I was trying to [don’t remember]

A female housemate [don't remember who this person is in real life] brings me some food, since she mistakes my activity for attempting to make a midnight snack and she thinks I’m a terrible cook (which I am in real life)

I go back to my bedroom. She’s in the bed. My bed (old double bed I owned months ago). Apparently we share a bed together but it’s platonic. Her on one side me on the other. But she starts to move towards me, rub herself against me, etc (you know how girls do), and after a few minutes, things are getting steamy, then her hair gets trapped in my teeth – lots and lots of it. I try and pull it out. It feels as if it is everywhere. She looks disgusted and tells me to go to the bathroom to sort it out or she’s done with our little debacle.

I go to the bathroom and close the door behind me. I really need the toilet, but can’t control the urge so end up taking a small dump on the floor. For some reason the faeces grows until it is about the size of a football. I look over and find even more faeces in the corner. I panic, find and put on a pair of cleaning gloves, grab a cloth and start to pick up the faeces and throw it into the sink. I turn on the tap and the faeces runs down the drain. I repeat this process until all the faeces is gone and the bathroom is cleaned. Then I wake up.

 

[BeTheChange]

http://gettinbetter.com/dance.html

This is THE MOST PERCEPTIVE article I have ever read on my current situation.

I am almost certain that I am NPD and my ex BPD, or at the very least we have significant traits.

I have sought understanding and to acknowledge and confront has brought a calmness to my spirits. Now it finally time to deal with these issues.

I'll be honest. I have never felt more like contacting my ex than I do today, not because I miss her but because I feel like I have made a genuine breakthrough in understanding WHY we had such a tumultuous three years. Don't worry I won't break NC because I'm actually really happy with being on Day 17 and want to finish the challenge and also because I anticipate further understanding and self knowledge while I'm on this journey alone.

 

[BeTheChange]

I can’t say how much of a relief it is to finally have a better understanding of my own condition and that of my ex. I was always led to believe that I contributed heavily to my ex’s current psychological condition and that “if only I’d been a better boyfriend” she would have turned out alright. This is the narrative she fed me and my guilt and shame at my own behaviour allowed me to accept this narrative for far too long. Even so, there was always a seeping cognitive dissonance. A chirping, quiet voice that was telling me this was not the case; that it went deeper than the conclusions being put forward. However, I was reluctant to embrace the other extreme that I was simply an unsuspecting victim of an evil BPD. Now I see the truth is somewhere in the middle and this helps to bridge those two mental schemas.

It allows me to accept and acknowledge that I have some deep and serious underlying issues, which prevented me from maintaining a relationship with a better adjusted woman, while simultaneously blocking me from descending into the self-loathing associated with such a post break up analysis, because ultimately she too had some serious problems. And I am seeing that perhaps the only reason I was able to keep the crazy at bay was because my condition has always prevented me from giving myself fully to another person – she could sense that I was never fully invested and it kept the chase going.

Did she “love” me? Tough to say, especially now I’m better beginning to understand that “love” is a very different concept to BPD women. I am almost certain the NPD/BPD dynamic relates to my predicament with my ex perfectly.

I am at peace. Knowing what the problem was, with myself and the relationship, is half the way to dealing with it and becoming a better person. Does this realisation change anything? Not really. Except that a mental shift has occurred which I had convinced myself had already happened – that now I truly see NC as a means to fixing myself and getting centred – the ex is no longer even secondary. Will she come back? Probably. BPD theory predicts she almost always will at some point and unlike many other victims of BPD I was never “betasised” so the attraction is still there - but that cannot be my concern. The reality is this pattern will continue until I put a stop to it by focusing on myself.

Now, do I think she could change? I hope she could but I am doubtful. The problem is she has very little incentive – smart, young, attractive blonde – she won’t struggle to find another suitor. For her sake, I hope she does, but it’s out of my hands now. I cannot force her to see what she is. Would I consider reaching out after NC? Never.

Would I entertain a relationship after day 60 if she chased? On one condition. That she sees what she is and she takes concrete steps to deal with her issues. And even then I would wait at least a month before responding and would proceed with absolute caution. But at 22 she may have a few years/ decades of crash and burns left before she realises perhaps she too is the problem. Maybe she’ll see it sooner, but I’m not holding my breath.

Some of you might be saying "BeTheChange are you crazy?? Why would you allow someone like this into your life". And to those I say, maybe you're right. However, people say the same thing about those with NPD traits and like any disorder there is a spectrum. I deserve the chance to be happy and so does she. Of course this is all conjecture. All I can really do is live my life and focus on me.

 

[xstang77]

I'm in the same boat as you with my bpd ex man and our trauma bond,it's exactly one month today actually since we saw eachother and nc began,I'm struggling but accepting it's done,she's with her new victim she has gotten with who's the second guy in less then a month and she got with him not even 4 days after sleeping with me,could I probably Destroy her new r/s with this guy? Most likely and that's why I believe I won't hear from her anymore,at this point it's all just water under the bridge on the highway to hell.

 

[BeTheChange]

@xstang77

For me, the latent belief had always been that "I lost a good thing" by behaving terribly. On paper she was great - young, virgin (although given what I know about her now I am doubting this), someone who could be shaped to what I wanted sexually, giving, loving, etc - so naturally when things went down the drain I was riddled with regret.

Now I am seeing that she was deeply damaged to begin with, and only stuck around because we fed off each others pathologies. It's basically like thinking you have lost a million dollars only to found that in actual fact you lost $10. Not quite as extreme, but you get the picture. Now if she could integrate those positive qualities into a genuine personality, independent of the underlying BPD motivations then perhaps she could be worth a "million", staying with my metaphor.

Either she comes back to me and is committed to getting the therapy she needs or she (more likely) continues along the road she is on now, jumps into a new relationship and is shielded from confronting the reality of what she is and as such is doomed to repeat the same mistakes.

It's a win win for me.

Either I get back a committed plate/gf who genuinely wants to change or I move on with my life, content in the knowledge that she will eventually blow up the next relationship through either selecting another (non-self aware) narcissist or by chewing to bits any average guy, all while I go about my merry way improving my life, taking care of business and dealing with my issues to get ready for an even better woman to come along. I'm elated.

 

[xstang77]

Yea I've been in the guilt stage myself lately,but then I look at the real picture,the facts: she's had 10 jobs in the 2 years we were together,4 recycles that brought out my deepest pains and wounds,our failed engagement and almost having me arrested when I finally snapped and had an anxiety attack the last time she left. Like you I realize the million dollar vs $10 aspect i mean the girl can't hold a job and has horrible credit and can't reciprocate basic feelings of loyalty and respect in a relationship, the fact that she got with this new guy not even 4 days after being fwb with me says a lot about the future and genuiness of her new r/s, once I saw that she was in this r/s something finally died inside for me,I knew I could never trust her again nor could I ever beforehand. I kept trying and trying to help while diminishing my physical and mental health. I still miss her but I mostly just miss our adventures and companionship which I could have with any girl though it feels hopeless right now. As far as yours or mine getting therapy and returning...been there did nothing supposedly the therapist retired a few weeks after she started, it won't change they spend the rest of their lives reenacting there childhood abandonment,the disorder always wins, I've become too much of a trigger for her and I doubt she'll try anymore recycles due to shame, she even told me it's not that I don't make her happy it's that she craves the chaos and can't do stability, then she hops into another relationship lol.

 

[BeTheChange]

@xstang77

Seems to be the reality. Loyalty is a fluid concept in BPD world!

On the therapy point, you're probably right, but as I have to believe that if there's a chance for me to deal with my issus in a healthy way then there's a chance for her. I'm not expecting she will change and the odds are against it for the reasons I mentioned in my previous post, just acknowledging it as a possibility. All I can do is improve my life and work on myself so that if she does come without any intention to change I can simply disregard her without any emotional trauma on my part whatsoever.

Edit: Another thing that makes me open to the possibility she may come back and be motivated to change is that there were times when things were bad in the relationship and she actually asked that we do therapy together but I dismissed it - didn't want the stigma. So I think she, unconsciously or otherwise, sees there is a problem.

 

[Gaysha]

Day 41.

I am feeling great. I don't miss her. I don't think about her. I don't care how is she.

I keep myself busy all the time. Swimming, movies, hanging out with my friends and family... I go to bed pretty tired every night.
I met someone great, we like each other, we spent a lot of time together for the past couple of days. I can't say I'm in love, but I like her and definitely want to get to know her better (it's mutual). I want it to go slow and I am really enjoying it. She came into my life at the right moment. I don't want to compare her to my ex, but she is definitely more stable and likeable person, someone who suits me way better... she is so normal and simple. I respect her and don't want to have anything with my ex because she doesn't deserve someone who cries over the last break up and can't move on.

Guys, stay strong, you can get through this. You WILL find someone better, it's just a matter of time!

 

[Asmodeus]

I want it to go slow and I am really enjoying it.

Slow is the best speed for these kinds of things... The flame which burns the brightest also burns out the quickest.
It is good you are not turning this into some rebound where you go full speed ahead and treat it like as if you never even left a relationship. Those frequently end disastrously (thus why many advise people not to do rebounds).
Your ex leaving you may have been the best thing to happen to you in retrospect... You no longer have to deal with her drama, you found somebody who seems more stable and likable, most importantly you gained knowledge and learned, everything will turn out better.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 18

Quick one. Off to Italy today. Felt a bit nostalgic last night as this was meant to be "our holiday" together. Thankfully I'm going with people who are positive, energetic and excitable.

Accepting that she is most likely BPD and acknowledging I might be open to reconciliation at some point was more for my own redemption - I wouldn't want to be dismissed perpetually as a suitor because of my own issues. However now that my mind has absorbed that shock to the system I am beginning to question this line of thinking. Yes the heart wants what the heart wants and she might be able to get better but is that really a risk worth taking in the grander scheme of things. Think 10 years from now. If she relapses to cuckoo cuckoo status and there are kids and a mortgage involved then it's a whole different ball game...suddenly the idea of ever getting back together isn't quite so appealing!

 

[BeTheChange]

@Asmodeus

Been perusing the BPD recovery forums on various websites and it seems a lot of guys and girls seem to really struggle for a while with dealing with BPD recovery. But I'm less than three weeks out and for the most part...I'm OK. What's with this? Or is the worst yet to come?

Obviously I still miss her in parts but it's more the way you would miss any former ex - friendship, someone to talk to, the sex, etc. When I look back at when she'd paint me black that definitely took an emotional toll at the time, certainly for a day or two, but it was almost always in response to something I'd done (cheating, kicking her out, getting physical, etc) so I chalked it down to female scorn and a necessary part of the consequences of my lifestyle choices so I just got on with things. Now I'm seeing that perhaps her good behaviour was more to do with the fact I never really gave all of myself to her emotionally, even after three years - the thrill of the chase?

 

[Asmodeus]

Been perusing the BPD recovery forums on various websites and it seems a lot of guys and girls seem to really struggle for a while with dealing with BPD recovery. But I'm less than three weeks out and for the most part...I'm OK. What's with this? Or is the worst yet to come?

If you feel ok than perhaps you are just healing. That should be good... She may be cluster B, at least to some degree. It all is on a spectrum, some people are full blown some people have more subtle traits In all honesty you and her sound like you had a mutually pathologic relationship. But do not feel guilt, just understand that going NC is the best choice for the two of you to heal and for you both to have the best chance to prosper.

Yes, many people struggle from relationships from Cluster B personalities. I am not limiting this to just BPD as ASPD (just scour the Psychopath free forums and many of them show the same confusion you do) and even HPD. I am on a number of psychology related forums, it seems that there are MORE people who come to these seeking help after a relationship or encounter with Cluster B than there are people who actually have cluster B (most refuse to admit it as they always shuffle off the responsibility and often see themselves through their narcissistic vantage point that they are perfect). But everyone heals differently... Some people take a long time, some people a short time. The fact that you are doing ok is good. I say that you need to drop the pessimism, look at the bright side. You are free, you are independent, you have learned from it, you have grown better, you now have an opportunity to find something that could be better (like what is happening with Gaysha for instance).

 

[Carpathian]

Slow is the best speed for these kinds of things... The flame which burns the brightest also burns out the quickest.
It is good you are not turning this into some rebound where you go full speed ahead and treat it like as if you never even left a relationship. Those frequently end disastrously (thus why many advise people not to do rebounds).
Your ex leaving you may have been the best thing to happen to you in retrospect... You no longer have to deal with her drama, you found somebody who seems more stable and likable, most importantly you gained knowledge and learned, everything will turn out better.

This is so true and very wise words from Asmodeous. Thankyou brother. I am also seeing a new woman - been with her for five weeks. She's lovely and adores me too. But taking very, very steady and as you say Asmodeous "Flame that burns the brightest burns out the quickest". I like that English phrase, no easy way to turn that into my native Slovak. Seeing her once per week for first three weeks and started to up that to twice per week. Early days but being charming, playful and playing it cool and calm but interested.
I have been on dates with about ten other women before meeting this one. None of them "did it for me" and my ex always in my mind. When I met this one, and been out with for five weeks, slowly starting to put that train wreck ex relationship behind me. Dumping me three times for no reason at all!

 

[xstang77]

Man I wish I could find some dates like you guys around my area,still wicked depressed and have tried dating sites with no luck.

 

[Carpathian]

@Asmodeus

Been perusing the BPD recovery forums on various websites and it seems a lot of guys and girls seem to really struggle for a while with dealing with BPD recovery. But I'm less than three weeks out and for the most part...I'm OK. What's with this? Or is the worst yet to come?

Obviously I still miss her in parts but it's more the way you would miss any former ex - friendship, someone to talk to, the sex, etc. When I look back at when she'd paint me black that definitely took an emotional toll at the time, certainly for a day or two, but it was almost always in response to something I'd done (cheating, kicking her out, getting physical, etc) so I chalked it down to female scorn and a necessary part of the consequences of my lifestyle choices so I just got on with things. Now I'm seeing that perhaps her good behaviour was more to do with the fact I never really gave all of myself to her emotionally, even after three years - the thrill of the chase?

Despite the fact that I think she had an ex orbiting her and "confusing" her, I also think my ex was a Borderline PD cluster B. I discussed her anonymously with some colleagues (I'm a doctor myself) and from her behavior they say she sounds like a classic unmedicated and un-councelled BPD, they also said the way it affected me (just like it has affected you @BeTheChange ) that I also should have had some counseling myself. These people really f*** with your mind. Just utterly unpredictable behavior. Wild sex, telling me I'm the best thing that ever happened to her, then dumped a week later. Happened three times she dumped me like that. It just does not make any sense. If I was an a$$hole to her I could understand it but I wasn't - I loved her and cared for her so much, we had great times together and were compatible in so many ways. It really upset me and screwed me up and it gets worse each time it happens. You become more and more "invested" thinking you can sort it out with these BPD people, get them to understand and rationalise the situation. But you can't....

 

[Carpathian]

Man I wish I could find some dates like you guys around my area,still wicked depressed and have tried dating sites with no luck.

You will. Get yourself sorted out, your clothes, your body, get running, get your hair cut, get on Match.com and get out there......

 

[xstang77]

Yea I've done all that,my area kinda sucks to meet people,but I did join match.com last night so hopefully something comes of that.that and the fact that I feel like a prisoner in my own house due to my ex turning my downstairs neighbors against me. Messed up she causes all this havoc then just happily moves on with her life to a new guy,then I hear she's getting a house...yea right her and her steady work habits lol.

 

[Billtx49]

Despite the fact that I think she had an ex orbiting her and "confusing" her, I also think my ex was a Borderline PD cluster B. I discussed her anonymously with some colleagues (I'm a doctor myself) and from her behavior they say she sounds like a classic unmedicated and un-councelled BPD, they also said the way it affected me (just like it has affected you @BeTheChange ) that I also should have had some counseling myself. These people really f*** with your mind. Just utterly unpredictable behavior. Wild sex, telling me I'm the best thing that ever happened to her, then dumped a week later. Happened three times she dumped me like that. It just does not make any sense. If I was an a$$hole to her I could understand it but I wasn't - I loved her and cared for her so much, we had great times together and were compatible in so many ways. It really upset me and screwed me up and it gets worse each time it happens. You become more and more "invested" thinking you can sort it out with these BPD people, get them to understand and rationalise the situation. But you can't....

Yes, they actually create white knight syndrome in a man by getting you to try to help them through rationalization, sorting out, or any other type of help they think you can give them due to their unstable behavior.
Problem is as you now know, is that most broken people can not be fixed or repaired without professional help.