The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[BeTheChange]

Day 5

Fvcking hell. All I can say is it that this is bottom and it can only get better from here.

Late for a salsa class so jogging to the lesson. As I turn the road I see my ex (she isn't facing me) looking like she is waiting for the bus. I think about being a bit cheeky and tapping her on the ass as I jog by. However she waves to a guy who is crossing the road. But my hand is already out as I process the information and she still gets a light tap on the bum as I run by.

I run to the next bus stop and wait for the bus. She walks towards the bus stop with this guy hand in hand. I couldn't fvcking believe it. The reason I ended the relationship on Saturday was basically because I had major suspicions - there had been changes in her behaviour and she was becoming way more self conscious about her appearance as if she was trying to impress someone. I won't go into too much detail but I managed to trap her in a lie which basically resulted in me saying that she needs to show me her phone or I know that she has been shifty. She refused and I told her if she left then it was over and she did leave.

Fast forward to today and clearly my gut instinct was right. On the one hand I'm happy because at least I was the one who ended things - I stuck to my principles and maintained my dignity. I could have been like so many guys and just swiped it under the carpet. Then once she'd been able to build up things with this sideguy maybe she would have left my ass in two months anyway. Then I'd would truly have been rolling round on the floor clutching the floor. At least I got to walk away on my feet and not on my face. I never lived on my knees.

But it does not end there. This guy is pretty "ghetto". He has trousers on which look like they have paint on and is wearing his hood up, even though it's not raining. As they approach I get that fight or flight adrenaline rush. She is completely unfazed (does not give a fvck) and I watch him walk by and he watches me - eye to eye. Then he says "Eh what you looking at bruv?". "I'm looking at you", I say. She then gets involved and basically accuses me of punching her in the back and telling me she could get police involved. I tell her that it was meant as a joke and I ask her who the hell this guy is. He starts getting verbally aggressive with me and so does she. She says "Come on let's just go" and they both walk away hand in hand. My ex lives 30 seconds from my flat (I know..ffs her choice not mine) so I know they are clearly going to his. She is probably banging right now..

What shocks me the most is how fvcking brazen this women is. Erm! H0e you just got exposed as having been a cheating slvt and you have the audacity to act brave. I was utterly shocked. I could not believe how ruthless this woman is. How the fvck could you do that to someone who was meant to be your best friend, someone you'd been with for 3 goddamn years.

What shocks me the most is literally how this girl DOES NOT CARE ANYMORE. Guy you claimed to love for 3 years? "Nah not important now" Scorched earth or what! And what's funny is this guy seems like a gangster - probably one of the trainers at her gym. He's tall but honestly I think as far as SMV is concerned I'm a better catch than he is. I told my friends about the situation and they said I handled it pretty well. Once they walked away I didn't shout back or anything. I just left it.

My best friend came over tonight and we talked it over. Honestly I'm pretty floored. I was doing so well as far as recovering is concerned and it is so ironic that today was the first day since the break up where I actually missed her and spent 95% of the day just thinking about her. The only solace I can take is that it cannot get any worse than this. My suspicions have been confirmed and I've seen what every guy doing NC hopes never to see - their ex with another guy. It's just a shame it had to come so soon into NC. I think in the long run this will be better as I have thrown away any hope of us getting back together. I was honestly planning to use this as a period of self reflection and then after two or three months reach out but fvck...if that's how you can treat people who you supposedly care about...just wow.

Tonight is tough and I doubt I'm going to sleep much if at all (work tomorrow too eeeeugh!) but I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing. Leaning on friends and family, making sure I am out the house every night of the week and meeting new women.

I am literally floored right now. Probably one of the lowest moments of my life.The only way is up. PS At least I got to fvck her in the ass (small victories!)

 

[finality]

What happened ?
Again day 1 ?

Ran into each other.. that lead to coffee..that lead to drinks.. that lead to sleeping together.

 

[Carpathian]

I've just seen my ex, literally just 10 mins ago walk by the bar i was sitting in. I am going to lie to u if i told u that i didnt feel anything. Had that burn in my chest but didnt last long, maybe a minute or two.

Yes. That's why I try and steer clear of going any place where I may possibly see her. I still have feelings for her and I would rather not see her ever again but that us unlikely since she only lives 3 km away and it is only a matter if time before I bump into her in the street/store.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 6

"Pain is temporary. At the end of pain is success"

Actually laughing at how ridiculous the situation is. She threw a grenade at my heart and just doesnt give a fvck! Lol! Obviously I'm hurting but I have to laugh at just how ruthless/psycho she actually is.

I'm proud of myself for not slipping. No angry texts, calls or emails or worse messages crying about how I miss her or some other bullsh*t.

I'll get through this. Off to Salsa tonight. I like the advice of finding a hobby or interest and doing it to excess. It would be amazing if by the end of the summer I was half decent. AND there are sooooo many hotties.

 

[BeTheChange]

Can someone help me understand why I'm not even angry anymore?

I actually keep thinking how much of a shame it is. How far she's fallen. How she is so definitely NOT the girl I fell in love with. When we met she was a 19 year old virgin. Now she's a 22 year old viper. There were definitely some vindictive aspects to her personality I won't deny that but 99% of the time she was nice and in all honesty a pretty good girlfriend. I am man enough to admit that 99% of woman would have left me or cheated on me given how I have acted over the last three years. I have a lot things I need to fix. I've hit a lot of career and financial milestones but in the process neglected to work on my integrity and personal character. That will be a major area of improvement over the next few months.

I was the jerk boyfriend for over a year before she had enough and split up with me - and man was I jerk. That's when she started acting out and got her first taste of another guy. She missed me and we got back together after a few weeks. I took her back largely out of guilt for my own behaviour, because of love I guess and because I too had banged women during the break. But I resented her for throwing away what was SO important to me - the fact she had only been with me and no one else. And honestly we never really recovered from that, even though we stayed together for more than a year and half after. Even to this day, EVERY SINGLE TIME we had sex I think of this guy (no homo lol). It ate me up inside and I'm not proud of this but I did get increasingly verbally and physically (albeit not extreme enough to put her in any real danger) abusive. So I can see why by the end she was looking to exit. It was too toxic and I wasn't going to change.

What grates me is the way she is now. So cold. As if the last 3 years were nothing. As if there weren't good moments so often in our relationship. For Christ sake's we fvcked on Saturday and she was telling me how much she loved me. Maybe I'm denying reality but i refuse to believe she still doesn't love the sh*t out of me haha. I held the frame almost exclusively in the relationship and I could see how frustrated she became by the fact that she KNEW I cared about her less than she cared about me and how much power it gave me.

Quite a few of my guy friends are saying she must have always had that h0eish tendency inside of her and she is now acting out because she can get away with it. SOME of my girlfriends are being more understanding (as you might expect). One told me that when her ex boyfriend who took her virginity dumped her she went off the rails, fvcked around and wasn't ready for a relationship for 2 years after. I never really acknowledged how delicate I should have been given I took her virginity. What I'm saying is if she had met another guy, she could have turned out completely different. I, on the other hand, was always going to be an assh*le, regardless of who I was with. But I do think it's necessary to acknowledge this in order to make a change for the better.

Caveat: this is not me trying to intellectually justify trying to win her back or anything like that. That chapter is CLOSED. She can't unsuck all that d*ck she'll be choking on during this "transition period" so there is no going back. I'm just generally intrigued as to whether this is a character defect or typical behaviour of a woman scorned, especially when young, immature and lacking wordly experience.

I'm just thinking out loud and trying to take as many lessons from this as possible.

 

[BeTheChange]

I feel like sending her a short closure type email saying:

"If you'd met another guy that night in [city where we met] you might have turned out ok. I on the other hand, was always going to be an assh*le. You'll find another [nickname for boyfriend] soon enough. Be safe. you owe it yourself. Wish you the best"

Guys and girls, please convince me why it would be a bad/ good idea to do this.

Edit:

Managed to convince myself why it would be bad idea to send such a thing

1. If she responds to it positively then I'm in danger of being drawn back in. It's actually better for my NC and overall recovery if she continues to hate me.

2. If she responds to it negatively or worse not at all then it will probably screw with my head a bit. I'm still not emotionally detached enough to not be affected by that.

 

[alex_in24]

Yes. That's why I try and steer clear of going any place where I may possibly see her. I still have feelings for her and I would rather not see her ever again but that us unlikely since she only lives 3 km away and it is only a matter if time before I bump into her in the street/store.

Same here bro, just 200 metres away from me she lives..

 

[Carpathian]

I feel like sending her a short closure type email saying:

"If you'd met another guy that night in [city where we met] you might have turned out ok. I on the other hand, was always going to be an assh*le. You'll find another [nickname for boyfriend] soon enough. Be safe. you owe it yourself. Wish you the best"

Guys and girls, please convince me why it would be a bad/ good idea to do this.

Edit:

Managed to convince myself why it would be bad idea to send such a thing

1. If she responds to it positively then I'm in danger of being drawn back in. It's actually better for my NC and overall recovery if she continues to hate me.

2. If she responds to it negatively or worse not at all then it will probably screw with my head a bit. I'm still not emotionally detached enough to not be affected by that.

I say don't do anything!!!! Never initiate communications with her ever again, this is your ego wanting "closure". There is no such thing as closure, it is over and that is all the closure you'll ever need. You will set yourself back if you text her first. If she then replies you'll get drawn back into all the sh1t and mind-games again. If there is any running at all left in this it has to come from her. She has to reach out to you. If she doesn't forget her. Indeed, you should be trying to forget her anyway (more difficult than it sounds I know - I have by no means "forgotten" about my ex, I think about her numerous times per day still, I still feel some love towards her, even after 14 weeks although it is getting better).

 

[Carpathian]

Same here bro, just 200 metres away from me she lives..

Brother Alex that must be so hard....

 

[BeTheChange]

Same here bro, just 200 metres away from me she lives..

And mine lives 30 seconds walk away. Brutal.

 

[alex_in24]

@Carpathian @BeTheChange Yeah its very brutal, it fvcks our minds a lot. You are expecting to see her everytime u go out and thats killing us.

Listen this funny anecdote about my ex. She has a boyfriend now as i told u yesterday. I know this guy. He used to come to the bar where me and my ex were always chilling and drinking coffee. I remember very clearly this particular moment. One time I was there at the bar with my ex and her mom drinking coffee. Her current boyfriend walks in with some friend of his and sit on a table. Then out of nowhere, just to keep the convo fun and going i ask my ex and her mom what do they think about these 2 guys, do they find them attractive and if yes, which guy is better ? ( her current BF is blonde dude, and the other is brown haired). Both of them said that the brown dude is very better looking and is more masculine while the blonde dude (her current bf) is very girly and isnt attractive AT ALL. I was intrigued by that answer so i asked my ex: really ?? so u're saying that u would never go out with that blonde guy, and u find the brown haired guy more attractive ? And she says: NO! Never, look at him, he is awful.

Fast forward 1st July 2016

My ex. Blonde dude. Picture at the beach. Love you love me sweetie bunny blah blah blah.

AWALT ? Hypergamy? Hamster spinning ??

 

[BeTheChange]

Just thought I'd drop into say a few things. Just come back from Salsa and feel great. Went there alone but got chatting to loads of people. Had a group of guys and girls coming over to me and started loads of conversations. Basically just chatting and having a great time. Noticed a few girls checking me out. Definitely making Thursday night Salsa a regular! And what's so brilliant is if I was still with my ex I would never have done this. I don't want to toot my own horn but I'm really happy with the way I responded to yesterday. Most guys would have been on the floor and depressed. I chose to go out the next night and have a great time! And next week my friends will be coming to join me there.

I feel happier and more confident. Texting 3 plates right now (not including tinder girls) and I haven't even got started yet!. Really positive. My best mate has taken my ex gf's ticket to Italy - I'd paid for us to fly out as a couple together - so that will be awesome. Heading thete end of July. Going to a party Friday, football with the boys on Saturday and then another night out. Then Sunday sunny day at the park followed by a potential date and Salsa. Things are looking up.

Summer 16 is looking like it could turn out to be the best summer ever. Roll on NC!

 

[S. Aureus]

Same here bro, just 200 metres away from me she lives..

Ah well, and I thought seeing her everyday at class would be tough. I can't imagine the pain at the start!!!

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 7

@LiveYourDream. It's a good thing I didn't message her last night because you were right. Had a dream where my ex came back and was openly saying it was just because her new man was away for the weekend. Rather than being apologetic she was openly blaming me and relishing in my pain and frustration, even going into some detail about the sordid sh*t they got up to. The dream ended with me punching her in the face.

It's 6 am here and I'm so goddamn angry. Had less than 5 hours sleep too.

 

[alex_in24]

I woke up 10 mins ago. Literally all night I had dreams of my ex. Her getting back together with me, kissing laughing and all the "good" stuff that u can imagine. When i woke up, i didn't have that burning in the chest nor that nasty feeling in my stomach. I had..almost nothing felt. But there I am..3+months since the break up and still talk and think bout her. And what does she do ? She just got herself a new relationship, hearts and kisses and love everywhere on the social media. She even put his initials in the Instagram description like she did with mines and that stings a bit. But im okay, i will be just fine.

 

[Carpathian]

I woke up 10 mins ago. Literally all night I had dreams of my ex. Her getting back together with me, kissing laughing and all the "good" stuff that u can imagine. When i woke up, i didn't have that burning in the chest nor that nasty feeling in my stomach. I had..almost nothing felt. But there I am..3+months since the break up and still talk and think bout her. And what does she do ? She just got herself a new relationship, hearts and kisses and love everywhere on the social media. She even put his initials in the Instagram description like she did with mines and that stings a bit. But im okay, i will be just fine.

Brother, why are you still connected with her on social media? I would delete every possible reference to her. I deleted her off EVERYTHING. I don't care if she thought I was being petty when i did this three months ago; I don't want to know what she is up to. Period. I have no idea what she is doing now. The last I heard was when I broke NC four weeks ago and the last email was from me.

I deleted all of our photos of our time together, deleted all her texts and emails, gave her the Valentines cards back, I gave her all her stuff back, and I gave her back the presents she bought me. I want no reference to her at all. In short me and my daughter do not want to be reminded of her by stuff in my home. Maybe I have been extreme but the b1atch dumped me three times after I was so kind, loyal, generous and loving to her.

 

[alex_in24]

@Carpathian

I am not connected, suddenly a pic of her and her new Bf popped up although she is blocked. That;s how i found out...it kills me.

 

[BeTheChange]

I woke up 10 mins ago. Literally all night I had dreams of my ex. Her getting back together with me, kissing laughing and all the "good" stuff that u can imagine. When i woke up, i didn't have that burning in the chest nor that nasty feeling in my stomach. I had..almost nothing felt. But there I am..3+months since the break up and still talk and think bout her. And what does she do ? She just got herself a new relationship, hearts and kisses and love everywhere on the social media. She even put his initials in the Instagram description like she did with mines and that stings a bit. But im okay, i will be just fine.

Definitely get her off social media alex. That will really aid your recovery. Even seeing a picture of my ex can hurt. I've deleted my ex's number, whatsapp, skype, etc. We have one mutual friend and I've told him I don't want him telling me anything about what she gets up to AT ALL. NOTHING. I have been tempted to google her details just to look at her facebook since a lot of it is public but I have resisted and will continue doing so. There is zero upside.

They say that breaking up with a girlfriend is like giving up a hard drug. There are chemicals that can literally only be generated in large quantities when we get past the honeymoon phase and settle into "real" love. If like me you've been with your gf a while then your body has got used to having these chemicals in it for YEARS. Now your body is having to readjust to the complete absence of them. It will take time. And if you had gone cold turkey from the start, 3 months ago, I believe you would be over her by now completely. If you stalk or talk to your ex or get back together before you are fully healed then you are essentially restarting the process over.Every day that NC progresses makes me more confiden of its power.

Understand that we are addicts. You need to treat this sh*t like an addiction that will destroy you if you allow it. This is why I believe women can get over relationships so quickly. They simply enter a new one and replace one addiction for another. This appears to be what my ex has done which is why she seems to be ok. We see this all the time – boyfriend hopping, branch swinging, etc. Most women are fvcking TERRIFIED of being alone. And that is why most continue to behave like infants, even into their 30s. They miss the intense introspection that is prompted by the agony of a breakup. I am speculating here (based on projections of my own experiences) but I believe men cannot so easily connect with another woman emotionally after losing their ex. I have at least 3 girls I could (and have) hook up with over the next few weeks but it doesn't do anything for me beyond a short term in the moment distraction. I still "miss" (crave) my ex. Men, on a whole HAVE TO go through this pain. For the reasons I mentioned I don't believe there is any shield to this for us. And I think this is why men have the opportunity to grow so much more from breakups. We can't simply take the easy way out by jumping into a new relationship. We are forced to confront our imperfections and doubts and (hopefully) learn and grow.

By doing things like looking through old photos of her, you are basically getting a less potent "hit" of the chemicals your body would generate if you were with her in person. It really is the equivalent of a heroine addict topping up every now and then during his recovery. It makes no sense.

This whole situation reminds me of that Lost episode where Locke has Charlie's drugs and tells him he will give them him back if he asks three times. He tells the story of a caterpillar struggling to get out of its cocoon. Now Locke could cut the cocoon open and help the caterpillar out but then its wings would be too weak for it to fly. The caterpillar has to experience that struggle in order to have the strength to fly on its own. So to with us brother. It will not be easy. But you have to go through that pain and remember you will be a better person once this is done.

 

[Carpathian]

@Alex
Yes, I fear that too. One day for sure I will see her with someone new. To be fair she is perfectly entitled to see someone new (or her ex!) - just as we are also - but all the same, if we still have feelings it will sting and it will be a bad day. That is one reason why I try and avoid such places where I may bump into her. I last saw her two months ago and it upset me because I was missing her terribly. I just do not know why she dumped me, again. If I was an a$$hole, or a pvssy or had nothing going for me I could understand. We never fought. I was kind, decent and have a lot to offer. Her family and kids adored me and vice versa. It just does not make any sense. I think there is something in her background, maybe an ex, maybe the divorce she went through that is "confusing" her causing her to break up with me. Three times! Maybe she is scared of being closely emotionally involved with someone again and cannot handle the love from a loving and committed man and so she bales out, just as things are perfect. @LiveYourDream what are your thoughts sister?

TBH I have little doubt she will reach out to me again at some point, I have found from experience over the years with other women that this is the pattern, if you were a good man, were not an a$$hole and was kind to her they nearly always boomerang back - it takes time for them to see this. I - and we all - must be strong when that happens and remain NC - I am certain now that I will do that fine. I am seeing two nice ladies at the moment who are lovely and attractive and like me a lot. Why can't I get this woman, who is a bad choice for me - as @LiveYourDream has told me - out of my head? Why do I think I love her still when I know she is a bad choice for me and other, better women, really like me? Rejection seems to breed obsession!!!!!!

 

[alex_in24]

@BeTheChange
Yes, i have been with her for 2 years. This is the first time that I bumped on her Instagram profile since the breakup since i strictly support and remain NC but there i go..I havent had a "down feeling" day since a month ago maybe..but today is that day. Understand me that literally ALL NIGHT i had dreams of her and they were so realistic. And yes, an hour ago i didnt feel anything in my chest like i wrote here but right now ?? I would explode if i could, im not gonna lie to u.
I completely understand the drug addiction u are referring to. And i know that by stalking her or whatever else connected to her, i get small hits of that drug, and that wont heal me in the near future. But this has happened only once, so im continuing with NC definitely.

@Carpathian

Brother, we are all in the same boat. I know that u understand my emotions and u can feel them also even if they are read over the internet. I clearly doubt that our exes will try to reach us at some point, since they are not programmed that way. Yes, my ex liked one of my instagram photos 2-3 weeks ago, i wrote that here if u can remember. But u think she craves and cries for me ?? Or ur ex cries for u ? Hah..we can only wish that. They are somewhere now fvcking some other guy without feeling any guilt.

And yes, i really have many chicks that i chat with, talk with, go out with, fvck with right now. And they crave and crave and crave for more. Why ? Because I have that IDGAF attitude because i really dont give a fvck. I am not completely healed so i can jump into some new relationship.

I really thought that after 3+ months I would be completely healed and that i would have forgotten bout her, but I am not and thats a fact. I improved myself to that point, that even my family cant recognize me anymore. Improved my school, made a better deal with my bball club, better salary, i am the god of aesthetics now, i look like a greek god literally. I got women hit on me on HOURLY basis. Improved social life and improved EVERYTHING that is in my ability to become a better man. But for now, that's all i can do. From now on, i can just hope that only time will heal me, since i have no other options..