The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[alex_in24]

Very unsettling how long the dreams have gone on. Only getting more lucid and depressing even after a year.

It truly serves me no purpose to wonder whether she will be crying over my pictures or wishing me death by a thousand white hot knives on my day. But one thing she the won't do is forget. We made each other's bdays a priority. But these damn dreams keep bringing this back to the surface. It should have passed long ago.

Not to worry though. I made a commitment not to reply if any contact is made. If it is, I promise to come here for support.

Buddy, u lasted a year without contact. A year without her, a year where u focused on only developing yourself. I am sure that the bday is triggering your emotions and the dreams are consequences from those emotions and thoughts. In the past, she was there for you for your bday, but now shes gone. You feel some kind of loss and hopelessness. And that's normal believe me. But is sucks. It sucks so hard, that u dont even want to go to sleep so u dont dream of her. U said that u made the bdays a special thing. She will think about u all day on ur bday, but u shouldnt feel satisfaction from that. Even if she writes u, which i assume she will, i think that u shouldnt contact her, since ur emotions are still strong even after a year of NC. Shes gone man. Shes past. And u are present. This post u are reading, this is present. And right now, there is no space or place inside ur soul and heart for her. Feel free to ask for any support.

 

[alex_in24]

NC DAY 45 i think..

I've just seen my ex pass by, while i was with my female friend sitting in the coffee bar. My ex doesnt know about this friend, so she might have assumed that the friend was actually a plate of mine. We had eye to eye contact with my ex, and i played it in the most alpha way that i could imagine. While sitting face to face with my friend, i turned my head right and saw my ex. Just winked at her, and turned my head back face to face at my friend and continued talking.

Suck on that !!!

 

[BlueAlpha1]

NC DAY 45 i think..

I've just seen my ex pass by, while i was with my female friend sitting in the coffee bar. My ex doesnt know about this friend, so she might have assumed that the friend was actually a plate of mine. We had eye to eye contact with my ex, and i played it in the most alpha way that i could imagine. While sitting face to face with my friend, i turned my head right and saw my ex. Just winked at her, and turned my head back face to face at my friend and continued talking.

Suck on that !!!

I've fantasized about that scenario myself

 

[Glassguy]

I havent been on here in a couple weeks so I have no idea what day I am on with no contact.

I have a staggered picture shelf that she got me and she has a house full of brand new furniture she still owes me $1200 for (we split the cost and she paid me back a large part of it before we broke up).

Got a text from her a couple weeks ago telling me she will send me $100 a month (her $70K a year salary and thats all she can swing) so I tell her "Just send me that every month and please dont make me remind you about it because I dont want to contact you again and want zero ties to you going forward).

Then she asked me for the picture shelf back...that she got me 2 yrs ago. So I told her I'd drop it off at her door sometime.

Passed her on the road a week later and I just got a sick feeling in my stomach that told me that I didnt even want to see the sight of her face again.

So I think I am cured. I would guess I am on day 47 or something like that. I dont count her texting me about the money she owes me because I was sort of an ass about it and treated it like a business deal only. Been dating a chick consistently for the past 3 weeks. Great convo and great sex...I dont even think of my ex anymore without a blunt reminder from something.

 

[alex_in24]

You played it amazingly!!! Great job!!!

I am curious...

Beyond all the perfect alpha moves... What did it feel like for you inside yourself? Was it hard to see her? Did you feel emotional? Did you feel clearly done with her? Did you still have mixed feelings inside? Were those feelings of missing her still present in you? Did you have any desire to acknowledge or connect with more than you did? Do you feel more complete with her now or less? How do you feel now that some time has passed? What are your plans with her moving forward?

Hm...i got that rush of adrenaline in my veins and chest the moment i saw her. But i knew what to do, stayed focused and calm, gave her a wink and turned my head back and continued talking with my friend. As u know me, from my previous posts and our honest conversation, i am going to tell u the truth now, not gonna lie.

Firstly i want to describe my ex. She looks miserable. Looks like she gained some weight. She looks depressed, not happy, and i sense some kind of anxiety in her. Her outfit was catastrophic, as usual, nothing new here. Hmm, she looks very desperate, emotionless. I am not trying to make her look bad here on this forum, but this is my perspective of view, since i've known her for 2 years. And she looks lifeless.

Now me..As i said i felt a rush of adrenaline in me. Since i've applied stoicism in the past 2 months in every aspect and situation that has occurred, i was basically trained for this moment. Remained centered, remained stoic, gave her a wink, and continued with my conversation. And this is the crazy part here. Not a minute has passed, and i forgot about her. As i am sitting now on my desktop computer and writing this, i try to dig deep in me and find some feels and emotions, regardless what kind of. Believe me when i say this- today i am indifferent. I feel nothing. Yesterday i felt terrible, as we spoke about it, and everyone here knows..but today after seeing what kind of a woman i've dodged a bullet from..jeez, i am even happier. I saw her, and i didnt even know this woman. The thing is, deep in my brain, she still lives but like a idealized version that i created a long time ago. And i think that, that idealized version of her, will maybe live forever in my brain since i've wanted to know her and feel her like that. But the real ex, the real version of my ex...i would never want to even speak to again..i feel indifferrence to the real ex. And that, i proved to myself today.

 

[alex_in24]

@LiveYourDream I appreciate ur kind words and care for me. Yes, i feel more free than i was. But that's all i feel right now. Freedom. And as for her moving forward ? I really wish for her to move forward and NEVER come to me begging for mercy. I don't want revenge, nor begging to take her back. I just want ME. That's all.

 

[Glassguy]

Very well put Alex. I feel the same about my ex. Emotionless. It's funny to think of the person I built her up to be while we were together and the person I see now.....very much different in every possibly way.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

Hm...i got that rush of adrenaline in my veins and chest the moment i saw her. But i knew what to do, stayed focused and calm, gave her a wink and turned my head back and continued talking with my friend. As u know me, from my previous posts and our honest conversation, i am going to tell u the truth now, not gonna lie.

Firstly i want to describe my ex. She looks miserable. Looks like she gained some weight. She looks depressed, not happy, and i sense some kind of anxiety in her. Her outfit was catastrophic, as usual, nothing new here. Hmm, she looks very desperate, emotionless. I am not trying to make her look bad here on this forum, but this is my perspective of view, since i've known her for 2 years. And she looks lifeless.

Now me..As i said i felt a rush of adrenaline in me. Since i've applied stoicism in the past 2 months in every aspect and situation that has occurred, i was basically trained for this moment. Remained centered, remained stoic, gave her a wink, and continued with my conversation. And this is the crazy part here. Not a minute has passed, and i forgot about her. As i am sitting now on my desktop computer and writing this, i try to dig deep in me and find some feels and emotions, regardless what kind of. Believe me when i say this- today i am indifferent. I feel nothing. Yesterday i felt terrible, as we spoke about it, and everyone here knows..but today after seeing what kind of a woman i've dodged a bullet from..jeez, i am even happier. I saw her, and i didnt even know this woman. The thing is, deep in my brain, she still lives but like a idealized version that i created a long time ago. And i think that, that idealized version of her, will maybe live forever in my brain since i've wanted to know her and feel her like that. But the real ex, the real version of my ex...i would never want to even speak to again..i feel indifferrence to the real ex. And that, i proved to myself today.

Isn't this normally the case with BPD's who are unstable, erratic, and extremely prone to depression?
And yet when they leave us, we imagine them giggling under the warm sun with a new beau 24/7, never to think of us again.

Unsurprisingly, about two years ago during one of our recycle periods, I ran into her in the gym. She approached me cautiously, we had a strange moment, and were back on shortly after. She looked like hell that day.

Glad you're over the revenge impulses, but I'd be lying if I denied hoping she lays in bed crying over a photo of me on my birthday next week. She's not the only woman who ever cared for me, but as a lifelong cynic she was the only woman I ever cared for.

 

[alex_in24]

@Glassguy I knew u would understand me

@BlueAlpha1 I completely understand you. My ex was a heavy case of BPD. These kind of people (including BPD men) are very tough to understand and live with. U will never know what is going in her mind. Its just simple as that. She may be happy for a long time, and then suddenly burst out crying over a photo of u on ur bday and maybe try to catch up with you. But that catching up, isnt about us anymore, its about them, to make them feel better, to see if we still care about them, to see if we would take them back. That's why they are unique, and have that "something" in them that gets under your skin so deeply. They are hated by other women, but admired by all men. That's why they have that IDGAF attitude.

I will always keep saying this: my ex was the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I learned extraordinary things and had amazing experiences. We are very lucky to have had break ups like this. Not everyone has this kind of opportunity to find himself and grow.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

@BlueAlpha1, I suggest you stop thinking about your birthday, in reference to your ex. Focusing on how special it was, when you were with her, is not a focus that serves you now! You make it sound like because you won't be celebrating it with her, it will never be as good as one of those. Fvck that! Enough already! You make it sound like your birthday belongs to the two of you, or even to her capacity to make it special. It doesn't! It's your birthday! Reclaim your birthday! Reclaim yourself!

She's not the goddess of special birthdays. They can happen without her. Leave her in your past where she belongs. Just because it's your birthday does not mean she is a worthy of your focus again. Knock it off. Quit giving her your attention with your thoughts. She is not in your life. Choose your thoughts to reflect that.

Make your birthday about YOU, more than you ever have! Figure out something to do, to celebrate you, your freedom, and your life moving forward! Do it! Make it more special than it's ever been. Do it for you! Own your birthday (without her)! No excuses!

Don't get me wrong dude, im going out with the boys in NYC. It should be a great night.

Shes not going to ruin my bday. But what I'm doing (wondering whether an ex misses you) is about as common as breathing. She left this relationship with all the power. It'll pass the next day, but as you know I've been dreaming about her. I'm cool during the day. In other words I'm not dreaming about her because I think of her, I think of her because I'm dreaming about her

 

[finality]

If you are still wondering about your ex after a year you should call her/contact her.

Let her reject you and then have no doubts and move on forever.

I'd rather have a calm mind and no dignity then a chaotic mind with dignity.

Power is infinite. Just because because your ex has 90% doesn't mean you have 10%. You can both have 100%

When you play by your own rules and don't care about the outcome you win every time.

Call her and ask her to marry you just for the LOL's.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

Please know that I am a woman. Take that into consideration in whatever way you need, whenever you read what I share. Focus on that. Talk that up to yourself, if it helps.

Cool, sorry about that.

How often do you REALLY need to do that? Hourly? Daily? Weekly? Monthly? Once a year? Never again?
Explain that please.

It's definitely not a need and is certainly an unproductive thought by all accounts. But I think all things considered, I'm well in control of my mind. I'm never "lost in thought" per se, about her. I'm aware of the thoughts, what they mean, why they're there. I'm long past these guys that come to the board with "why did she send this text?" "please help!" "girlfriend cheated on me, should I stay?" There is a spectrum of oneitis, and mine is like an old scar rather than a fresh wound.

I've taken up meditation to improve my moment to moment understanding of the world, and it's worked. However, I didn't expect the thoughts of a 4.5 year relationship to totally evaporate in 11 months. Surely you understand that.

It seems you've set up this expectation and allowance that she will be on your mind until the day after your birthday, but then it is going to stop and be done. I question if it can stop now and not wait till the day after your birthday? Can the frequency at least be diminished? Do you truly have to be tortured so till the day after your birthday or are you just defaulting to that belief?

What I was getting at is my birthday marks one year to the day of no contact, and it'll actually be a big accomplishment for me. Our minds demand patterns. June 11 is a milestone. When my father died, on the one year anniversary, I hit a rock bottom of sorts. I was dreading that day for a while. Very shortly after, when I realized it was the 2nd time through the calendar, I had a better understanding of what the routine, including every holiday and anniversary would be like. It's a different kind of grief, but grief nevertheless.

When a thought of her pops up, as soon as you catch it, train yourself to refocus on the present moment. Don't engage the thought, expand on it or follow it with others. I know it is easier said than done. Everyone starts somewhere. Start where you are and thought by thought, immediately lead yourself to refocus again, whenever she pops up in your mind (without purpose.)

Good advice. I've tried that periodically. It worked sporadically, but not all the time. It's a worthy endeavor though.

I'm sure everyone in this thread understands. I'm a pretty cynical, unreactive, introverted guy in real life. I'm skeptical and unimpressed by women other guys fawn over. But we all have an Achilles heel. I made a mistake this one time caring for this one girl as much as I did. But that's OK. With nearly 10,000 posts, this thread has been here to revisit when things momentarily get tough. And I am grateful for that.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

I appreciate your clarification. I have huge compassion. I understand it, more than words could ever convey. I am working mine too, everyday.
You are right. My brother passed a few years ago. I love/d him more than words can express. That first year after his passing and each anniversary since was tough in a way I never knew before. I understand what you are saying here about your dad and about her, even more clearly now. Thank you for helping me to understand more clearly. Me too!

@BlueAlpha1, Hang in there! I appreciate what you are facing now, in a way didn't earlier. I am sorry I approached you the way I did earlier. I apologize. Please don't hesitate to post here. In this time up until after your birthday, especially keep engaging here, whenever you are inclined, no matter how the ups and downs go. This is a place for those challenges. There is support for you here!

Thanks. No need to apologize.

To give you an idea of what the birthdays were like, this girl would go above and beyond what my family ever did. From them I would get cards, a $25 check, a $100 bill if I'm lucky, and from some a voicemail a day or 2 late. But I've never had anything that rocked my world. I don't ask much, and didn't expect much. By contrast, I've given super awesome gifts to those around me, offering to take them on a cruise, paying for a flight to a city they dreamt of visiting, but I digress.

One year she pulls out a nice duffle bag that had to run about $45. I thought, "nice for the gym". Only the duffle bag was stuffed with stuff. Books, my favorite granola bars, dvd's, gag gifts, a card, souvenirs from her travels. It weighed a good 20 pounds worth of junk. She also dressed for the occasion, and she had a knack for dolling up in a way that turned me on in a split-second. When I looked at my gifts she looked so humble and happy to give, which made her "black" periods all the more traumatic. Follow up with the most mind-numbing sex you could imagine. This went on for 3-4 years, with me doing similar stuff for her day. Another year she showed up late to a date because she'd been busy getting a tattoo on her foot as a tribute to me. She limped into the diner apologizing for being 10 minutes late.

And yet, this same woman brought me into the valley of the shadow of death at times with her jealousy games. I'm talking dabbling with Xanax, sleeping pills, following each other, you name it. This is why somebody who hasn't lived through a BPD relationship has no idea what they're talking about. This separation was the 3rd most traumatic thing that ever happened to me, other than the death of my father, and a personal ordeal my mother went through. I actually rank this as more traumatic than losing my grandmother, because nobody including blood cared for me, or pretended to care as much as this woman, including other girlfriends who I never thought of again.

I don't take any pride revisiting this. It feels rather pathetic to discuss a year later. I've built quite a reputation on this board in a short time for being a hard-hitting, cynical truth teller. But I'm human

 

[Glassguy]

Blue Alpha- I dont mean to come across to blunt, but I have went through this twice (a divorce after an 8 yr marriage and a 3 year LTR/engagement and completely planned wedding at the time of the break up).

You just have to accept the fact that the relationship, for whatever reason (and doesnt really matter) is over. I thought my ex that I was engaged to was the one without question. I thought nobody would ever appreciate me or do the things for me that she did.

But that was the old her, and I have seen the side of the NEW her. Complete opposites. I understand and accept that. Reality is that there are MANY more women out there that will give you EVEN BETTER than you think you are missing with her. You just have to trust that and put the focus on yourself and not on the past relationship.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

Blue Alpha- I dont mean to come across to blunt, but I have went through this twice (a divorce after an 8 yr marriage and a 3 year LTR/engagement and completely planned wedding at the time of the break up).

You just have to accept the fact that the relationship, for whatever reason (and doesnt really matter) is over. I thought my ex that I was engaged to was the one without question. I thought nobody would ever appreciate me or do the things for me that she did.

But that was the old her, and I have seen the side of the NEW her. Complete opposites. I understand and accept that. Reality is that there are MANY more women out there that will give you EVEN BETTER than you think you are missing with her. You just have to trust that and put the focus on yourself and not on the past relationship.

I have very little hope in the North American (or western in general) woman. If 90% of them have been corrupted by radical feminism and pervasive social media, the other 10% will be sought after by millionaires and athletes. What chance do other guys in the middle 30% of the spectrum have? Not saying average guys can't get laid, but everyone ended up on this forum because they dealt with a crazy or multiple crazies.

Then again, both my brother and best friend have locked down a feminine, loyal, long-haired, nurturing woman long term. They exist, but just don't find me.

 

[alex_in24]

@BlueAlpha1 I can find myself in ur story. My ex is also a hard case of BPD and I broke up after 2 yrs of LTR. How do u find yourself healing from the break up ? What's been good to you and what has been not ?? Has she tried to call or contact u ? What are your thoughts about BPD girls ???

 

[BlueAlpha1]

@BlueAlpha1 I can find myself in ur story. My ex is also a hard case of BPD and I broke up after 2 yrs of LTR. How do u find yourself healing from the break up ? What's been good to you and what has been not ?? Has she tried to call or contact u ? What are your thoughts about BPD girls ???

I have to admit this woman has given me a very cynical view of women and has affected my ability to game these last 12 months. I hardly find it worth it anymore. This year alone I paid for two hookers simply because it was the most honest interaction I could see in dealing with women. Only seduced one other girl naturally, thus only had sex with 3 women since she left. Lots of potential prospects that ultimately flaked.

I've "healed" in the sense that I understand there is no going back, there is no making it work. I still think of her all too frequently - where she regrets it, feels remorse, thinks of me at all. I don't care what any of the "millionaires" who've "banged 250 chicks" or consider themselves "sociopaths" tell you about sucking up and moving on. That's posturing and not usually how it works in the real world unless you have a mental disorder as well. We all want our exes to pine for us. It was a 4 year LTR that only ended 11 months ago. When I feel insecure, I imagine her as dancing some salsa happily with some new beau. On days I feel more confident, I imagine she's crying over my photos. Or that if she isn't already, she will someday. She is after all 35, divorced, and with 2 kids. I'm 27, no baggage, well-traveled, with cash to burn. But yes, sadly, I still loved her.

Travel has been good to me. I backpacked to Europe for a month last summer and it changed my life for the better. Not dating enough the last 12 months hasn't helped either. What she also did was alter my view of my potentiality for being a family man. Because I may never trust a woman again in this way, I'm not unsure about marriage, cohabitating, or children. All this in turn alters your view about careers - is it worth slaving away at a job you hate and throwing money into a 401k for a happy retirement that may never come? It used to be a worthwhile sacrifice for man when the family was strong, and that was when women were held accountable for their actions. Now you have all the misery of 9-5 and there is no reward at the end at all! That's how MGTOW grew crazily in the last 10 years. Dating is different now even from 10 years ago. In 2006 when MySpace was the face of this new thing called social media, women were far more approachable and tolerable.

She hasn't tried to contact me. Although she has my mom's number and my brothers. She used to talk to my mom a lot, but I made them both swear if she ever contacted them they would not pass the message to me. I would imagine if she doesn't contact me for my birthday, she likely won't ever again.

 

[BeTheChange]

BlueAlpha - You need to mentally accept that you will never see or hear from your ex again. It will drastically aid your healing process.

Day 1

Broke up with the ex last night. Had an argument, where I felt she was over the line disresptful so I ended things. She stormed out and didn't come home. That for me was the nail in the coffin. She could have been with anyone and anywhere so it does not matter what she says or how she begs. She knows how it will be PERCEIVED and does not care anywhere, which is worse. On top of that she had the audacity to block me.

Slept OK last night considering. A solid 6 hours. Feel relatively chilled about it since I know it's the right decision. At work all day and will try and find something to entertain myself tonight so will get back quite late. She's not working this week so hopefully she will have come back to the flat, packed her stuff and gone to a friends. If she's still around when I get back I'll pack my bag and stay at a friends or do an airbnb. I have no intention of having a real conversation with her beyond the absolute necessities again.

 

[alex_in24]

NC DAY 45+ i think..

As soon as i woke up today i had a strange feeling. Like something was about to happen. Bla bla bla fast forward, i went to the gym. Waited for my cousin there for about 20 mins and we had a workout together. I finished earlier so i told him that i had to go home to clean up the mess because my father is coming home tonight from a mini weekend vacation. Basically today, all the things that have happened were perfectly timed so this could have happened. As soon as i stepped out of the gym, i saw my ex waiting the lights to pass the street.

I touched her on her right shoulder and went to her left side. She then saw me and we had a short laugh. I asked her how is she, and how is the studying going while being calm, indifferent. She asked me a pair of questions also and the green light came on. We then said goodbye and went on separate ways.

Honestly she didndt seem like she wanted to talk to me..But i did that because of me, so i can prove myself that i can be calm and stoic in these types of situations.

Stalked her fb and IG account later..yeah that was stupid but fvck it. Thats it.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

BlueAlpha - You need to mentally accept that you will never see or hear from your ex again. It will drastically aid your healing process.

Can't believe it still bothers me to hear that, but it does. Maybe because I've never loved another girl.

Whatever.