Hey guys, I'll just explain my situation.
Just broke up 2-3 weeks ago with my gf after 8 months. Most of it was fun as **** because we were both enormously physically attracted to eachother and our personalities matched enormously. That was both a blessing and a curse because it meant that the relationship ramped up far faster than either of us wanted. The problem is that I wasn't used to any serious relationships and she had a habit of ruining them because of her ADHD. We immediately got off on the wrong foot because I basically charmed her into loving me and she feared I was some cassanova (which I can be in practice, but that's also because I never wanted anything serious with most girls I dated because I didn't feel it was worth my time or didn't want to expose myself to them), so she gave off vibes that she wanted to take it slow. Which didn't happen because we liked eachother too much so we had sex within the week we met eachother, after 2 or 3 dates. So everything went well for the next halfyear and more, until she called me in tears three months ago saying that she had doubts and wanted us to take a step back. i.e., not so much sex, more talks and less public affection.
This is where I ****ed up. Every fibre in my bone told me that it was nonsense and that she didn't mean it and that I should assert my own feelings, but I pussied out because of my love for her and agreed to it. Both of us were going through hectic months because of our uni and she did have a point: we were screwing eachother like rabbits for months and barely really knew eachother on a serious level. So I didn't think a months break was a bad thing because it would mean more time for myself.
For the next few weeks everything largely stayed the same except for a few 'talks' which didn't go anywhere. She mainly whined about school and I didn't really get a chance to say my piece about my problems, which I'm conditioned not to do anyway. We still had sex and a month or so later we were cuddling and I noticed she was really struggling mentally with something. So I drug it out of her. She still had doubts, they'd just grown bigger. She had lost that attraction to me (didn't want intimacy like sex and kissing), she said, because we didn't have enough time for eachother and the spark was gone. I told her, no ****, that's what you told me you wanted. 'Yeah, that's what I said but that wasn't what I really wanted'. Yeah, I knew that much, but **** me for respecting the opinion of a woman I love. I'm not a ****ing mind reader. The worst thing was how helpless she acted, she wanted me to give her all the answers to a problem which was largely and inherently her fault. It wasn't an act either, I know her well enough to know that she can be massively conflicted when her different feelings collide. We had three options: 1. we break up there and then and don't see eachother. 2. we try to stay together in the hope that we'll build the romance again, or 3. we break up and stay friends. I told her immediately that I won't stay friends. That isn't acceptable to me and would end up hurting either or both of us depending on te circumstances. Option 1 wasn't what either of us wanted either, because we genuinely loved eachother, if only platonically. I knew that I was the only boyfriend she had that she genuinely loved and her 'soulmate' and we both didn't want to lose eachother. So, (**** up no. 2) I told her that we'd try and see if we'd stay together and if it could come back. What made it harder is her condition, because one moment she showers me with love and the other she's overwhelmed with doubts and cold. And as much as I want to be a rock in the surf, I can't pretend that her shifting attitude doesn't erode my previously confident mindset when it comes to dealing with her.
I immediately regretted that decision and a week after she met up with me and I told her we should break up. I told her that I didn't want to be friends and I didn't want to have contact either, for obvious reasons. Of course, that didn't go easy either. She cried at first. Then we had a ****ing tickling contest, she ended up giving me a massage and when she left my home I asked for one kiss which ended up being a passionate make-out. We ended that night flirting via text and she asked me to keep her posted on my progress on uni, which I did a few days later (**** up no.3). We had some casual, fun talk and I quickly realized that this was 'friends' talk that suited her better than me so I broke it off last week. Since then I've felt a lot better, been able to concentrate on working out and focussing on my demanding last semester and steadily thinking less about her.
No contact for nearly a week now and she's been steadily liking messages I post on FB and Instagram and this night she texted me, asking me how my party last Saturday went. I ignored her. I know that she still cares for me, she told me so, almost pleaded that she would get the 'feeling' back. And I know that, while I love her, I'm far more mentally and emotionally resilient and stable than she is. I promised myself that I wouldn't contact her until late March at the least, because she's still got a book of mine which I really want back. But it's quite hard to ignore her, because I do want her back, and the option that she would want me after a while has always been very realistic but at the same time, I've got my self-respect and I don't want to give her the impression that I would grovel back to her, when everything is basically going so well for the last weeks. What makes it difficult is that it was never a black-white break-up, just grey as ****. It can always go either way and we both know it.
So yeah, sorry for the blog post but I'm happy to get this off my chest because I'm really not the type to lay all this **** on my IRL friends and acquaintances so it's nice to have a topic like this where we all have the same problems, I want to keep up the no contact but if anyone has some comments or advice for me, you're more than welcome to give it to me.
