The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Shootin4Dreams]

The reason i was dependent on her and felt scarce is because she was into my hobby i grew up with and i could connect with her on that and she was cute. And all women into the hobby that i was/somewhat into still are redneck or trash or obese. I want to be able to connect and rapport with any women i see attractive. So, i can have an abundance mentality. I am not sure how to build rapport with any girl though. They said i read that common hobbies dont l. It is connecting on an emotional level/personality. How can i do that and feel good about with any girl i see fit? How do i find new hobbies or passions or meet new women i see i like OFFLINE. Much appreciated i am trying to go in social circle game but clueless to be honest.

 

[Jrbak7]

Solvents,

Hang in there buddy. No shame is asking her to not contact you. But you need to take care of yourself. A lot of the women that men are talking about on here play the victim. And in some cases, it's because yeah we were ****ty boyfriends, but other times, it's just as likely that they were ****ty girlfriends. If you ask for no contact and she ignores that, then you need to take more drastic measures. It sounds like she's keeping you on the hook for when things are convenient for her. "But she says she loves me... Etc etc." this girl loves that you make her feel good. Chances are that she doesn't understand love, and never will. Love to her is infatuation and external validation. And if giving her that continues to destroy your emotional health, then she clearly does not love you! Move on.

 

[Jrbak7]

Shootin,

Just start doing stuff. If something sounds fun, do it! And if it actually is fun, guess what, it's a new hobby! Also, keep in mind that while we're emotional creatures, a lot of our evolutionary programming shows that we do need alone time. It's important to have a hobby that you can do without your significant other. You can't be with them 24/7, that's unhealthy imo. And that was an issue with my ex. She alienated most of her friends because she is needy and selfish. When they got tired of her bull, they moved on. Me however, I had an emotional attachment and addiction to this turd. So I hung around and helped her focus on her issues. She started seeing a therapist. I helped her pick out books to handle her craziness. The second she moves away, she seeks external validation elsewhere. My pain is really my own fault. I allowed her to treat me this way. Oh well, lesson learned. She'll never apologize, she'll never mean it, and she'll never love me in a healthy manner. She says she wants to be friends one day, if someone claims to love you and treats you this way, then how will they treat you if you are heir friend.

Eventually you'll get to a place where you realize it's best you never come into contact with her again. I hope that's soon, but it takes a lot of effort. For me, I truly believe that in my brain, but I'm still battling the pain in my heart. Today I was battling that pain of thinking we'll never make love again. But then, you just have to realize that her **** isn't that rare. It's funny, I was telling my buddy's girl this and she asks, "well was she that good." And I just start laughing. She was awful in fact. My count isn't exorbitantly high, and I can remember the 15ish girls I've been with. I can easily confirm that only one of them was worse than her for certain. Point being, we're attached. It's a drug. You'll heal. Put in the work and go through the rehab. Keep learning and reading. And that'll prepare you to face the next one better realize that you might naturally have an attachment mechanism that attracts the losers or users.

 

[Shootin4Dreams]

Also, she wasn't having sex with anyone else and she said i gave the best oral out of anyone. Why would she not want me to just have sex with her if she had no other options? Would a woman rather use vibrator then have sex with any guy??

 

[Jrbak7]

Day 39. Her window is closing. I hope that I get over this before she reaches back out. I'm realizing that I have to take care of me before I can ever help others. So I know logically I will do the right thing in the face of adversity.

One thing I'm focusing on are my achievements in social situations. We went to a bar one night, and she dared my buddy to get a number. He failed of course, he just isn't good in that scenario. So he dared her to get a guy to buy her a drink. She thought we were all having a great time and challenged me to get a drink. So, I say ok. I wait until a girl comes to the bar and I get a free drink out of her. Didn't even need to get up from my seat. Meanwhile she is flirting and failing hard. It just showed me that I have game, that I can be a social butterfly. I was killer with women before, and I can be again. Back in June we went out and I got 2 numbers in one night. This was my first night back out after dating this girl for a year and a half. So, you have to realize that if you focus on you, and be confident, people will be drawn to you. I'm not worried about being alone, I clearly can attract women. What I'm worried about is attracting the right women. And then being prepared for the "test" that is monogamy when I do find that right one? ... I was ready before I met this one. But I didn't listen to my brain. There were too many red flags.

 

[DrivingBackwards]

Also, she wasn't having sex with anyone else and she said i gave the best oral out of anyone. Why would she not want me to just have sex with her if she had no other options? Would a woman rather use vibrator then have sex with any guy??

A vibrator isn't needy and is uncomplicated. It provides an easy to get orgasm with low investment. She can just watch some porn, go to town on herself, get-off, then pull up her pants, and go on with her day.

She's not having sex with you or other guys because it just complicates things.

You need to put in work to becoming more independent. Obsession is unattractive. JrBak has had some good advice about inner game and hobbies. I suggest you take these to heart. Do some reading. Do anything to promote personal growth. Do not let this break up win or you will have validated every reason why your ex broke up with you.

 

[DrivingBackwards]

JrBak, yeah, buddy! Doing great. I think we are pretty similar. I've also never felt worry about attracting women but I do get worried about attracting the right one.

I've done fine with women over the years. I don't have any problem creating attraction or pseudo-dating a girl. I am, however, a little particular about who I become "official" with. I've actually only been official with three girls in the last 10 years (I'm in my mid-20s btw). Each of those I decided to officially date those girls because I felt a connection with them that was something more than I felt with the other girls.

I felt that connection with my ex. I guess I'm worried about how long it will take for that connection to come around again. It is pretty rare for me to feel that way. Oh well, I'll feel it again sometime. I'm not going to try to force it.

 

[mozie81]

Hi guys, found the website and needing some support. I am just at the end of Day 1 and in a bad way, She met me yesterday for a coffee and told after we had been apart two weeks she didnt love me anymore and found out she was happier without me. I done all the things I know I shouldent, pleading etc and today i feel so sick and depressed. I deleted her number, fb etc. But I'am completely obsessed, thinking about her, where she is, is she out, with who.. etc etc.

 

[Shootin4Dreams]

Why would i depend on her or have codependent or be weak to her and lose my frame? Is it because i dont think i can do better? Honestly shes like 6 or 7

 

[Solvents]

It's extremely hard not to think about an ex that you loved so dearly. Rating myself between a number would obviously be different for me than someone else, but I think she was a 9 for me.

It only makes things harder when you know that you had that strong bond with your ex, and she was truly one of the ones that stood out and made you feel special. that's how she made me feel, like she wanted me and no other.

As time goes on though, both sides start to think differently, regardless of what they say to each other.. I did make the mistake of asking if she still loved me, if we would get back together and so on. She said that she will probably always love me and that we would get back together, but her kids and her Mother (ugh) are making it hard right now.

As more time goes on, she still calls me atleast once a week, but is becoming more and more distant. It's best to stop holding onto hope that things will reconcile and just get closure and go NC.

I've learned the hard way, and am pretty sure she is dating someone else now. Its been over 2 months since the breakup, and I still feel like I'm at day one. I'm still going to call her for closure, but hopefully after today, that will be it. So everyone, just remember to hang in there and FIGHT for you, NOT for them!

 

[Shootin4Dreams]

Day 4
So, she had a guy who treated her good (me) but, would rather be liking and chasing down this guy that had her for the side chick 4 years and doesnt care about her. Why are women so stupid and never get it she said she was over him and was faking sex and didnt care for him. but, if he showed up would have sex with him but wouldnt for me when i just showed up to her place? I should NEVER respect or care for women anymore.
Why would she lie to me say she didnt care for guy anymore or see him for 10 months but said she had feelings for him before she met me?
I seriously want to just call her just vent my anger out on her and tell her how retarded she is and **** off how about that can i let it out?

 

[Lozboss]

Guys,

You all need to start working on being more concise in your posts.

Equally if you just want to chat to one another use PM

There is far too much on here. Only intro posts should be this long.

This isn't a daily update thread- it's for advice and for posting when you are feeling weak.

 

[Spinach]

sigh

 

[Solvents]

It's hard to be concise when there are so many thoughts flowing through my head about her, but I suppose you're right.

From what I've learned so far, from myself and others here is that you just need to stay strong, think ahead, and not in the past. Stay occupied, and furthermore, cut off contact.

It's extremely hard, and I've failed to do so yet, but the next time she calls, I and hopefully everyone else going through this WILL STAY AWAY.

 

[MrEmms]

Alright. First post!

Broken up for a week, talked a little.

Honestly I'm at a bit of a loss, its quite hard to do this, I lost my alphaness to her and that's why she left me. Getting it back and getting my head straight has become top priority at this stage. It is hard not speaking to her and I have allowed myself time to grieve to help with the process. Me and her splitting up was the best thing we could have done at this stage of our lives, both of us have some tough **** to deal with and we are unable to commit to each other fully. I am not hoping to get back with her doing this 60 day no contact challenge. I am hoping to mold myself into a better man. Bought a couple books to read, finished my applications for my degree. Life is good bar the breakup. I see her every day morning and night when I go to the gym because I am from a smaller town. Which is hard.

I am going to be a better person from all of this. Better than what I used to be.

 

[Jrbak7]

Life is a mirror gentlemen. Everything we see in others, is a direct reflection on ourselves. It's all making sense to me now, why she would have thought that I was a narcissist, etc. I suggest devoting a solid amount of time to understanding human psychology. I keep uncovering disorders, and each one shares some classification to my ex. Today I discovered HPD. I'm nearly positive that she is that, and not BPD or narcissist. Im probably a slight bit narcissist. But I think really the problem in our relationship stemmed from her codependency issues.

She had to have me around. Or it was a nightmare. Even when I tried to break up with her she would come by my place, force herself into contact with me, etc. now that she's moved on, I'm able to really reflect. I think I have a bit of white knight syndrome. I put my relationship ahead of me. And when she moved away, her HPD requires her to find an immediate rebound. Self validate guys, and keep reading! Be prepared for the next woman, because she will appreciate that.

 

[DrivingBackwards]

Guys,

You all need to start working on being more concise in your posts.

Equally if you just want to chat to one another use PM

There is far too much on here. Only intro posts should be this long.

This isn't a daily update thread- it's for advice and for posting when you are feeling weak.

I agree that some posters could be more concise with their writing. I don't, however, think it is right for you to admonish those who are posting on here frequently. This thread is, in my opinion, a place for personal growth and camaraderie.

How are we supposed to generate rapport with each other if we never post or offer words of encouragement to fellow guys going through NC? As men, at least in the States, are conditioned to never be vulnerable or talk about our feelings and this thread is a healthy outlet. I enjoy reading about JrBak's progress and I feel a bit more personally invested in his journey because he's been open to share what he has learned over the last few weeks. This gives me encouragement to keep going on my own journey of self improvement. And, wouldn't you know it, most of JrBak's posts are pretty informative and written in a way to help others.

So, I'm going to disagree with your statement that there is too much on here. You're not a moderator either, so what gives you the right to govern the content in this thread? Sorry if this is harsh but this isn't the first time you've tried to shut down dialogue on here.

 

[dustmuffin]

I think it is a thread to vent. Let them vent. I too am in no contact. I don't want her back. It has been about two weeks and yes it is hard. But, I think she did me a favor.

When I was trying to win her back she revealed to me that she has general anxiety disorder. She wants to get married. She will lure some poor sap into marriage and not disclose this. We were together a year and that was the first I had heard of it. She was very good at hiding her crazy until the end when it came out full force.

I know I made mistakes in the break-up, but I have learned a lot and won't make them twice.

 

[sabata]

1st day

Finally it's over. My struggle with this Oneitis started back in March, right after I had broken up with my GF of 7 years. From the beginning there were red flags all over - she was needy but not willing to sacrifice her own time for me, partied a lot, was already 30 years old and single for a long time, her previous LTR started with both of them cheating on their soon-to-be-exes... And many, many more.

But I was hooked. This girl was like a drug to me, and I fell HARD and FAST. Spent all my free time with her, didn't sleep enough, the usual. And of course the sex was great. But from the beginning, we argued. I was a sad little beta, always apologizing for my actions, explaining and showing my emotions, not being affirmative and so on. And most of all, I was NEEDY.

Now it's all over. I wish I could say that it was all me, but in the end it was her decision. We haven't been dating for about a month now, but we've been in contact almost daily. I've had some plates spinning for a while, but probably for the wrong reasons. I guess I've been looking for a validation from these girls since I didn't get it from this one.

The plan now is to go NC for at least 60 days, keep on working on myself, especially the mental side. I'm already fit, well dressed and groomed so it should be fairly easy to get some more plates spinning as soon as I feel like I'm ready for that. Few days ago I also wrote down my career and other goals down for the next two years and now I'll start accomplishing them with confidence.

I know I feel like **** at least for the two weeks, but it'll get better.

 

[Solvents]

Day 5 of NC.

My ex generally contacts me after 5-7 have passed throughout the past 2 1/2 months we've been broken up, but this time I'm not picking up.

So far things still feel the same as they always do after about a week has gone by. I'll be comforted the first couple of days knowing that I'm still in her thoughts due to her calling me, but after about 4-5 go by, I start to worry again that she has stopped caring.

This time the NC will stay possibly indefinite, and I hate not knowing if Ill cave to my instincts and pick up the phone this time or not.

Her voice changes from sincere one call to indifferent the next, and that's whats causing the constant push/pull feelings that I'm getting.

Today I'm going over to a friends for a while, then going to exercise for an hour or so, then maybe even go out be social in public. Even after the constant weekly calls and my relapses of emotions, I'm starting to feel further away from her as time goes on. My best regards to everyone, and I hope youre all doing your best to hang in there.