The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Jrbak7]

Thanks CJ. I know it takes time. How long did it take for you to build this healthy new relationship? And would you ever consider going back to your ex? Also, I realize that for some it will take more time than others. I do want to stay up to date with her eventually but I'm not ready. I want to be able to stay in touch so we can see our dogs. It's sad they aren't in our lives anymore. Maybe in a year or maybe that's denial?

You're right. I need to declare an absence from poon. I've hung out with one plate so much that it already feels like we're in a relationship. I'm not digging it.

Goals:
Drop 15 lbs. PR squat, deadlift and bench. My deadlift PR is now officially 325. Hit that yesterday raw with no chalk, belt, or straps.
I'd like to sell off my house in 18 months.
I want to travel abroad solo this winter (December) and again in late spring. December I'm debating Southern Hemisphere locations and spring I'd like to do Germany.

Maybe I could use some more goals?

All this still has me wondering, why would I want to go back to her. She wasn't a terrible person. She wasn't good either... But she was just insecure. She has to be in a relationship. 2 months go by and she's already official on FB with somebody. It reeks of low self worth and need for validation. I don't want that in my life. I don't want to have to validate someone for the rest of my days.

 

[Cejay]

JRBak,

Those goals are a good start but you need more goals that take your time and attention every day.

Are there projects around the house you could start on to get it ready for sale?

What are you learning? Start a business ?

You get where I'm going with this...

If you have her email address and a few mutual friends you can get in touch with her any time in the future.

So after the Ex I jumped into plates pretty quick. Gave up briefly and fell back into plates. Dropped them all for a while and got all new ones. With my current GF after a few dates we decided to go exclusive, she asked and I agreed because I was having a hard time keeping them all straight and wanted to concentrate on things other than women. (Furthering my education and weights) I also saw a good, possible future with this one.

I wasn't ready most of the time, and then I just sort of "was" but that wasn't for more than 60 days.

As to the "why would you go back to her?" question. Is she on a pedestal? She may represent something you don't have right now, maybe you're comparing comfortable/honeymoon time with her to "new time" with one or more of your current plates.
She probably brought pleasure to your life, in reassurance and sexual pleasure. Your "lizard brain" will naturally try to direct you to anything that brought pleasure.

My ex moved on quicker than I did, too, she was the dumper so she had a head start. Her actions also <> her words. She was less interested than her words indicated.

IDK. My ex still pops into my head and I push her out with a "self-WTF?!". My GF is 10x what the ex was in terms of fit for my life, what I am looking for, etc. Our heads play tricks on us.

CJ.

 

[Lozboss]

Update Day 60.

I'd like to make my final update post (happy to help others but for me this part of the journey is over)

So I've healed, not completely but no longer do I feel a depression about the situation.

During my 60 days I've struggled with depression, hatred and becoming Jaded with women in general. In this time I wasn't contacted by my Ex once- perhaps a blessing.

My best advise: throw yourself into hobbies and the gym,

DON'T date. I tried it and it actually slowed the healing as each unsuccessful date or flake would hit me VERY hard.

NEVER go back- I tried to make it work with the Ex and it made it 10x worse when it finally ended.

I've had some sex during this time and I've realized that Sex REALLY isn't that special (important for a relationship but not the be all and end all!)

I'll probably take another month or two off to focus on me.

In the end I look at the breakup like a gift- it's made me a new Man. It led me to this community, led to be wholly taking the red pill and finally growing emotionally.

I'll like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who supported me on my journey, in particular: CJ,Jared, MonkeyKing, Daddylongshanks, Mauser, PK and others.

 

[BeTheChange]

Update Day 60.

I'd like to make my final update post (happy to help others but for me this part of the journey is over)

So I've healed, not completely but no longer do I feel a depression about the situation.

During my 60 days I've struggled with depression, hatred and becoming Jaded with women in general. In this time I wasn't contacted by my Ex once- perhaps a blessing.

My best advise: throw yourself into hobbies and the gym,

DON'T date. I tried it and it actually slowed the healing as each unsuccessful date or flake would hit me VERY hard.

NEVER go back- I tried to make it work with the Ex and it made it 10x worse when it finally ended.

I've had some sex during this time and I've realized that Sex REALLY isn't that special (important for a relationship but not the be all and end all!)

I'll probably take another month or two off to focus on me.

In the end I look at the breakup like a gift- it's made me a new Man. It led me to this community, led to be wholly taking the red pill and finally growing emotionally.

I'll like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who supported me on my journey, in particular: CJ,Jared, MonkeyKing, Daddylongshanks, Mauser, PK and others.

From experience I can tell you that not being contacted by your ex makes the process far less difficult.

Once you get past the initial period (cold turkey) it's so much easier. Well done mate!

 

[DrivingBackwards]

What will happen if your ex is never apart of your life again?

Finding the answer to that question is what honestly made acceptance click for me. There will be little to no consequences to my life if my ex never comes back. I might miss the way she made me feel, but I won't die; I won't starve; I won't go homeless. I will continue to live. I will do so the best way I can for me and not for anyone else.

Sure she gave me a short term fix to my unhappiness, but it wasn't a solution. Depending on her to make me happy was probably what ultimately led me to drive her away. Lesson learned. Who wants the pressure of being crutch to someone else's life? All of us already have enough to worry about with our own lives.

I'm happy to have met her and to learned more about myself. There will be many more chances for love in the future. I will continue to do my thing and maybe along the way I'll find a cool chick to complement my lifestyle.

Thanks guys.

 

[Jrbak7]

Day 37

Still feels like years ago when she asked for no contact. I know she wants to be friends one day, but I'm still obviously not ready. I'm doing much better. I've begun to approach my issues. I'm handling my anxiety, working on my patience, and dealing with my demons. I think about her dog and I lose control. I know that I can't ever see her again, and that kills me. If I saw her it would hurt more than if I just compartmentalize the loss. It's the second time I've been in a relationship where I attach to the girl and the dog.

I hate that moving her had this impact. Had I not moved her away I wouldn't be in as bad shape as I am. I took her for granted, and she took me for granted. Still many days ahead before this is resolved. I'm going to focus on enjoying those days and focusing on bettering myself. My belt went to the next notch today, so there's that.

I'm doing better. But I am not enjoying my happiness bc I know it will result in a drop off afterward. I was really happy after a work meeting today, and then after lunch I'm feeling like crap again. Positive self talk! That helps.

 

[Jrbak7]

Excellent post driving. You're doing great man!

 

[Shootin4Dreams]

Day 1
I have not been able to sleep well for the past few nights.
I came back from out of town from an internship and when I came back to my side girl we pretty much seemed done before I left and she was ignoring me anyways. So, I told her to peace out and then, she flipped out and acted worried and texted me a bunch. Then, found my Facebook and was messaging me like crazy. I felt creeped out and I think she wanted to sabotage my current girl.
Which she did because everything seemed fine but then yesterday she posts this on her facebook.

"Good morning FB. Been doing a great deal of thinking here lately. A few red flags have been shown/brought to my attention. At first I was ignoring them but maybe I should stop that and face them head on. I just refuse to repeat the things that I encountered in the past. Some ppl tell me that I'm too cautious and observant but I call it defense mode. At least in this case, I won't be surprised.
Anyways time to eat breakfast and get a lil studying in before I start this work day.
— feeling bummed."

She told me she wanted to talk later and she said

"I was gonna call but I don't wanna deal with the anger or drama. I've been noticing the
things that you've said and stated. To be honest with you, I don't think you and i are on the same
level. There's so many things were don't see eye to eye on. You're still dealing with your past issues
and I'm tired of having to be nice when I should just be me and just be honest. I should have stuck
my gun last month when I wanted to call it quit. And I dont have the time or energy to see if you're
gonna get there. Its been fun but its time to call it quits."

I wanted reasons why she said

"I'm a realist....I'm not only thinking about here and now.... I'm thinking about the future
as well. I observe ppl and their actions and words. I've been telling myself for a while that it'd not
going to work but I kept convincing myself that you were my yang (opposite) and that it was gonna
work but its not. I doubt we're ever gonna be on the same level when it comes to our independence.
And its not fair that I have to explain my rhyme's and reasons (so to speak) because your ex's
****ed you over. You say this happen weeks ago but all this (the straw that broke the camel's back)
has been brought to the fore front in the last week."

"you still lean and depend on daddy to do everything for u.
At 33 I basically and am independent & take care of everything in my life. U can't expect someone
like me to be okay with that fact. You have to be a man and stand on your own two feet. That's one
of the main things we don't see eye to eye about. I'd hate to break it to u but u still have some
growing up to do. There's still certain things that you're sort of immature about. Sadly that has
nothing to do with your age. Its just your outlook on things."

And I just don't understand and it stings. I feel like she was cool in the beginning with just chill and having sex and now since I opened up to her and told her my problems which she seemed fine with now this has happend and I don't understand why it would matter when we aren't really in a relationship and I have not seen her for 3 weeks and wanted to hangout and have sex she told me I am the best at giving oral to her why would she not want that anymore? I am having trouble understanding. She knows I worked an internship at the bar for 2 weeks and I told her I got accepted into school for which I am going and she still tries to argue with me and is acting like I need my stuff together now which she was fine with it before how I am and now she isn't? I don't get it and it hurts. I feel like I had the frame right in the beginning being cool and ****y and I feel like I lost the frame when I told her I liked her because I felt and thought she was different and could open up to her and I am lost and I feel that is what she meant by the Yang. I feel like I need to restart my life and also delete my Facebook and change my number as well and I cannot trust or open up to people I just need help on how to interact with women socially by just being a fun guy and staying guarded no matter what and not becoming vulnerable and opening up even though some people tell me to. I could use everyone's support and help/advice on here thank you.

 

[Jrbak7]

Good morning buddy

I'm almost 40 days in and I still have certain problems I'm dealing with. My advice, read up on addiction, scarcity vs abundance, and other elements of psychology and romance.

I come from addictive genes. Alcoholism runs in my family, and luckily I've never had a huge interest in it. Maybe bc I saw what it does to people at a young age. But, I do believe in true love and built a big sense of oneitis. I think this is my addictive gene finding its drug of choice. Romance opens the same neuropathways as a cocaine high. Really scary stuff when you see how that kills people. The healthy route, in my non-professional opinion, is to read up on that. Study addiction, study romance, and become ok with your issue. Know that you have to protect yourself from this drug, by learning to practice abundance. There are billions of women on the planet, enjoy them. If they aren't interested, they're doing you a favor, it wouldn't work out with them anyway. I'd rather know today than after 18 months of my addictive build up.

Determine what you want romantically out of life. Learn to be self validating. I'm not saying that you need to avoid all women or people. I'm just saying that what you do and say has to make you happy... You can't please everybody. So validate yourself, challenge yourself, and most importantly love yourself. No one person is more important than the next.

For me, I also have terrible anxiety. I never did, but this girl I dated did. She is in an official relationship 45 days after asking for no contact. She isn't self validating. And you have to ask yourself, do I really want to be responsible for someone else's happiness? That's a lot of pressure. I told her that I felt that way when we were together, and it never sank in. I could tell, she doesn't listen. She hears, but doesn't listen.

Keep studying. Study human psychology. Abundance. Self validation. Self love. Addiction. Anxiety. Study it all. I am confident that when you get to the heart of the problem, you'll see there is some insecurity in you that is preventing you from being happy in a codependent relationship. Love isn't about codependency, it's about two confident people that share a common interest and from that interest love will grow.

My problem. Whenever I find a girl with many shared interests, I'm quick to dive in. You should really take your time. It's hard, and for me there were a lot of red flags early on in my relationship. But I was going through the addiction cycle and that made it impossible to quit her. I don't think either of us is a bad person, I do think she has a sense of entitlement and fear from her age (3 years older than me). Her biological clock is ticking, and she is terrified of not having children. Again, do I really want to be with this woman bc she 'needs' my seed? Hell no!

One last time. Read! Read everything you can. And don't read how to win her back, read about improving yourself. Ignore her, and if it's meant to be, and you live in the now, it'll all come back to you one day. If not, only greener pastures buddy!

 

[Jrbak7]

One other thing. Be vulnerable. If you like business books, there's a great one about vulnerability. 'Getting Naked' by Patrick Lencioni. It's a quick read and I really enjoyed it. A lot of the lessons apply to all facets of life. ... A key part of abundance is vulnerability. If you hide from your pain and are afraid to approach women, you'll naturally be inclined to over value each interaction with the opposite sex. So practice vulnerability. (Don't be a wet rag of a man pouring his heart out about this nothing girl. Be a fun confident man. Talk about what you love, and if they find it interesting that's a good sign.) good luck brother! You got this!

 

[Cejay]

Shootin4Dreams,

What you are going through sucks, sorry man.

I had to learn a lot of this the hard way, too. I was not brought up to properly deal with women. I was lied to. I thought women were my friends to confide in, I thought they wanted a nice beta guy, just like many of the other fellas in this forum.

And I just don't understand and it stings. I feel like she was cool in the beginning with just chill and having sex and now since I opened up to her and told her my problems which she seemed fine with now this has happend and I don't understand why it would matter when we aren't really in a relationship

This is your problem right here.

Your girlfriend is not repeat - not your "friend." No matter how much of that crap you read in women's mags or see on Dr Phil it is NOT what they want. I love the quote someone else had, here, that said "The only woman that cares about your feelings is your mom."

When you did this (and likley some other things to do with your father/family and how you handle things) you removed any remaining Alpha perception and fvcked up your frame. If you want to talk about your problems do it with men. Your buddies, dad, brother, shoe shine guy, bartender.

I suggest you take some time off, go NC with her while you read the DJ bible, read around here, Rationale Male, maybe 3% man, no more mr nice guy are all a good start.

CJ

 

[Cejay]

Lozboss,

Glad you made it man and great closing thoughts. You helped me as much as I did, you.

CJ

 

[Shootin4Dreams]

Day 2
Still hurting but feeling optimistic. Deleted her off facebook and attempting to move on. If she ever texts or messages me how would i go about it just in case? Ignore her of course but, how and when would i reply?

 

[Jrbak7]

She will bait you soon. Ignore her for the complete 60 days. Do not contact her. After 60-90-120 days, if you still feel like she holds a place in your life write her a letter. Just tell her that you ignored her to heal yourself and that you're hopeful you can be friends. Believe me, you have to ignore her!

She asked me for no contact. Mailed me my personal belongings. Then I over reacted, lost my frame and called her. I haven't talked to her since (38 days.) at about 30 days she texted me to see if I was doing ok. Shortly after she became FB official with a new guy (thanks roomies for the update.) and tbh, it all just shows that I'm better off. Someone that can replace anyone that fast in their late 20s or early 30s really isnt handling their emotional fallout and insecurities well.

She is broken and damaged. Do you really want that?

Just focus on you brother. Trust me, life will turn around. As long as you commit to bettering yourself, you will find a better situation in life. A better career, a better wifey, more happiness. You name it!

 

[Jrbak7]

Update. Day 38. I'm doing much better. It helps that her friends are my friends. She moved away. She is already in a relationship. everything adds up to her being unstable, manipulative, and a giant waste of my time.

Most of us on here attract terds bc we're insecure or beta. Don't get in to pickup. Get in to inner game. Focus on bettering yourself and being conscious of your emotions and mind.

 

[Jrbak7]

Last thing. (I get in to these series of posts.)

I'm convinced we're all here for a reason. We're here because we are good people that want the best of what life offers. Others have projected their issues into us. We've showcased our own insecurities. Etc. focus on conquering those issues, and the woman of your dreams will come around. As well as a bunch of other life benefits.

 

[Cejay]

Shootin4Dreams,

I think you don't reply, for at least 60 days but probably more.

In fact you could pre-block her now. Take her number out of your phone, write it down and put it somewhere at home. That way if you're out and drinking/lonely you can't drunk call/text.

If you look back through this thread you'll see some of us (me, Lozboss) didn't get contacted. That hurt. However, you'll notice for the fellas that did get contacted is that it really through them for an emotional loop. They were really torn on what to do about it. It sucks every way you slice it but think not being contacted is better.

I contacted my ex after ~75-80 days, we had a few things to talk about and I needed a bit of closure. It was a really pleasant call. She has moved on, so have I. There was a definite connection on the phone, though.

I can see her contacting me after a relationship or two but I kind of hope she doesn't. I needed the closure/to discuss a few things but it sucked in a way because it set back my recovery quite a bit so my advice is that you never speak to her again unless you run into her somewhere, and then its polite and short.

CJ.

 

[Shootin4Dreams]

Day 3
Still not able to get enough sleep and having stress in my chest and cant seem to shake it or figure why. How can i completely calm down my nerves and get my full rest that i need and just forget this chick and move on?

 

[DrivingBackwards]

Shootin4Dreams, 100% do not contact her or respond. I read through your posts and it sounds like you had dependency on her.

I think a lot of us on here started the no contact challenge as a way to get back with our ex. The whole absence makes the heart grow fonder thing. This might work, and I'm not judging you if this is your goal. You need this 60 days to reset yourself and gain some perspective. You need to make choices that will lead you to becoming a more independent man. Basically, as JrBak said, focus on improving your inner game.

The first few weeks of no contact are going to be hell. You need to stay strong, and, if she reaches out, do not respond. She dumped you because you weren't independent enough. Not responding is a great way to show your independence and maintain frame. This is your time to focus on bettering yourself.

Welcome aboard. Take some time to grieve. Do your best with the sleepless nights; we've all been there. After you at about 1 week you need to start setting goals for yourself.

And if she doesn't comeback at least you didn't waste two months pining over her. You'll be two-months of change more attractive to the next girl who will be lucky to hold your attention.

We got your back.

 

[Solvents]

Solvents,

It did take a minute to read. Everything in the past is done buddy. That being said, there's a way you can get out of this situation. My approach which seemed to work well for me in helping the move on process is to have "one final talk" and then to do a strict no contact. i would do no more than a couple minutes of chat time. "I need you to understand that I won't screw this up. That I'm mad about you and want another shot. And if you're not willing to give me that, then I will have to move on. Explain that you want her in your life regardless of her decision, but that you will need a period of no contact to help you get over the loss and to move on to he next chapter in your life." Don't rehash any of the issues. Just say, I'm here, take it or leave it.

Then leave it for a few months. Find a point where you can re-initiate contact if you're still wanting to be with her. And write her a letter. Take it casual and slow as a friend. And approach the situation with the mindset of outcome independence. Do not wait around. Your happiness is more important.

Thanks for the feedback. It's been almost 3 months now and I still do want to be with her, and even though we still DO talk about once a week, her tones goes up and down every time which makes me either feel better or worse after the phone call.

I wont say that our downfall was completely my fault though. Her children's discipline isn't the best, which caused her to constantly yell at them, and they took up a ton of her time. She would visit me at lunch most days, and usually always had atleast one child with her (she occasionally had a family member look after one of them) and even then she usually got on them for SOMETHING.

I think a bit part of the breakup was that she saw that I had lost my incentive to try and do things with her and her kids. She even told me that was the case, but I keep wondering if its something more.

It's obvious that I should stay no contact (which has been for 2 days now) because the last time we spoke was one of the days that she sounded indifferent, and she even told me not to call the day after because she wont pick up due to being "busy".

I know she wouldn't tell me if she had a boyfriend because she does care about me, and I keep trying to make myself feel better by thinking "Well she told me that she will always love me, and our breakup wont last forever". Or "She has two kids, most guys will think that's too much baggage and what relationship she has, if she can find one, wont last long".

However, she is a beautiful woman, has a few extra pounds, but that woudnt stop anyone from being with her. Shes pretty dramatic at times, and has only had a handful of relationships since her divorce roughly 3 years ago.

I am going to talk to her tonight because she said I could call today or tomorrow due to not being "busy", but I may have to tell her that its too hard to stay in contact like this, and will need some time to focus on myself.

I'm not sure if I will pull through and even tell her that. I may just treat it like a regular call and then initiate NC after that, but she not once stopped talking to me once a week, and met up with me consistently every other week or even more.

It sucks being caught between so many different emotions, and deciding on which to act on..