The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Jrbak7]

Jedi mind fug

So. I tried breaking up with her a couple times but never could follow through. Move her away for her work bc not even her father would help her. Fall back in love on our moving vacation. It ends with no conversation of the future.

Then, 2 weeks later, I tell her my boss cleared me to work from home, so I could visit for a long weekend. She thinks I'm taking advantage of her. Two days later we FaceTime and everything is great. Two days after that she asks for no contact.

Does she think I'm the dumper? If so, why then did she not take me back when I made my final offer and feelings known a week later? Is it over over?! Or is his year away from one another just a test to see if we find something better? Or a point for us to stay single and focus on ourselves? It all seems so strange to me now. The mind is a terribly powerful thing, and is often used for wrong.

I can't let go. Yet I have 5-6 letters to myself in my phone about why I deserve a better life. It would be so much easier if I had answers. Human beings, not human knowings... Live in this moment, just be. Dang this is a learning process. Shows you that if you can handle that much ambiguity and survive, that life will be just ok no matter what happens.

Point of my post - a) feedback on my story. B) how do I move on and let go of ALL hope! If I can let go of all hope I will find something better for myself. And it might be a new and improved us, we both might grow from this. But, regardless, I will one day be happy again. I will one day be better and have better companionship from my spouse. Thanks for the ears.

Driving, let's definitely do this together. Makes it easier to see others growing with you!

 

[Lozboss]

A. When people want space it's because the attraction is gone. They want the time to look at other options. Don't settle for being someone's second choice.

B. You have to act as if they are Dead to you. Mourn their Death and move on.

There is a reason it did not work- we all have down days. It takes time for the logical part of your brain to win through again. That's what NC is about, throwing the emotional turmoil out the window do you can move on.

 

[DrivingBackwards]

Day 21

@JrBak, was this a long distance relationship?

Probably best to not dwell on it. Use this time to focus on you and living your life in a way that gives you fulfillment. I know that during this fragile time that my mind and emotions will betray me. They want to push me back into my addiction. I will rise up and be better because I am better.

I was listening to some music on YouTube and was scrolling through the comments of one song. A user posted this:

"Sometimes you just have to stop in the middle of a hectic and bad day and count the good things going on in your life. With all the different directions I get pulled in on a minute to minute, hour to hour, and day to day basis - I still am thankful for where I am in this life."

This really struck me. I find it easy to forget about all the good in my life and only focus on what isn't going well. Damn though I got a lot going on for me, so **** my ex. Haha.

I still want to hear from her but I'm not going to put my progress on hold. I really want to talk to her to find out how her new job is starting out. She was offered it just before we broke up. I kind of want to see her in person after the 60 days to put it in her face what she gave up. She has really poor life habits (e.g., diet & exercise) which I think the new job stress will make it worse. I imagine that she will decline and I will improve. Somewhat petty but oh well. The best revenge is living well, right?

I keep telling myself that I am not going to contact her until 1. the 60 days are done, and 2. I'm not longer outcome dependent. Until then I'm just going to do my own thing.

Wardrobe is slowly coming together, and I've been making a good effort to meet more people. I'll make it. We all will.

 

[Jrbak7]

Day 23

Great post driving. It was not long distance. It started hot and heavy. Then I tried to pump the brakes and that's where everything went to crap. We were spending every night together at the 3 month mark. At about the 6-7 month mark I tried to pull back and have us spend a couple nights a week apart. She did ultimately move away for a temporary (1 yr) job commitment. I told her long distance wasn't an option for me, so she moved on. I regret that, but it would have prolonged the inevitable and I would have hurt more if I kept trying long distance until ultimately she gave up.

She has insecurities and is afraid of not finding love. I think that prevents her from truly being capable of love. She was a real piece of crap when we dated, so why I'm still having trouble is beyond me. My entire support group figured I'd be out enjoying life, not moping at all. I think it was just the sudden loss and no warning. I was hoping to maintain our friendship. Maybe I thought she was my consolation prize. During our relationship she never worked out or took care of herself.

Last night my roommate said she's been in the gym every morning. She's out having fun every night. And it really hurt to know that I took someone so capable of vitality and life, and turned her in to a bum. While we dated I actually improved myself. But then I realized she probably thought my progress in the gym after she moved away made it a competition. At the end of the day, I'm not holding my breath for reconciliation. I would be astonished if someone as impulsive as her were to come back AND change. She will maybe do one, but highly unlikely to do both. She's working on her image so she can attract someone out if vanity, that may or may not burn her later. Who cares, I'm not that important. I have my life to live, and that's the important part for me.

This 4th week has been exceptionally difficult. I'm still not to acceptance. But I think that's what this week is about. Last night I sat on the roof with 2 friends. One said it was a bucket list item to see a shooting star. I've seen maybe 3 in my life and last night we saw 2. It was cool to be there for his first. Just to be a part of a moment that will be remembered. Sort of like this relationship. It will be remembered, and it will be a lesson. But it's basically over. I'm not capable of being friends with someone that selfish. And I'm certainly not convinced it would be good for my health to date her again. At this point, I'm just going to relinquish control. Trust the powers that be, and enjoy each day that comes. I do think we will meet again at some point, but I've nearly packed all my bags already. Her window is closing, and friendship isn't important to me.

A big part of me worries that she'll rush in to having children and ruin their lives with a divorce. She has little ability to think about anyone other than herself. Just hoping she ends up happy, and doesn't hurt anybody else like she did me. It will take a mountain of a man to keep her happy, and that's not a challenge I welcome!

 

[DrivingBackwards]

Day 22

I'm not a mean or spiteful person at heart, and I suspect you might be similar. Even though my ex has given me every reason to hate her, I still hope that she eventually finds whatever it is she is looking for and finds fulfillment in her life. I cannot, however, worry that she will make the right decisions to get that life. I wish her the best but worrying is just a waste of my time.

I think the most important thing we should take away from this 60 day challenge is to let go of that which we cannot control and to focus on what we can control -- ourselves.

Day 22 was pretty solid. I had a short 30-60 minute anxiety session over my ex. I was able to push the anxiety away by listening to some good tunes and focusing on my work for the day. I was proud of myself for not crumbling and letting the anxiety overtake me and ruining my day. I think I just drank too much coffee though. I'll need to cut back.

My ex 'liked' an update to a social media account of mine today. I don't really feel much to be honest. It is interesting that this is the most communication we have had in 3+ weeks. Times changing.

Other than that workouts have been solid, my diet is on point, I made my bed this morning, and an old plate reached out to me today. Things are looking up.

I'll cya tomorrow, JrBak. Peace, my dudes.

 

[Lozboss]

Driving,

You need to cut ALL Contact. If you are following this guide that means blocking your ex on social media.

JRbak - You'll get there. Concentrate on yourself and don't make a conscious effort to count the days.

I want to see you BOTH updating this less, get out and live your lives as Mauser said.

 

[DrivingBackwards]

I should have been clearer. She liked a job update on my LinkedIn profile. I'm probably not going to remove her as a connection since LinkedIn is more professional-life social media oriented. She's blocked on Facebook and I've deleted her number. No other way for me to get in contact with her. In all though I just thought it was an interesting reflection to think about the difference between no and then.

You're right I should update less. It's easy to get stuck and use this as a crutch. I'll plan on living more away from here. If I feel beat and down though you can bet I'll be on here venting... as that's better than breaking no contact.

Thanks again.

 

[Cejay]

I disagree. I do think you need to get out there, and work hard on self improvement, but I think expressing your feelings and frustrations is just as important. This is why women recover faster than we do. They have far better social networks and are better trained at expressing their feelings.

In my case I don't have a lot of friends (moved accross country), and I express myself via writing (makes me feel better) so being able to do that here, was paramount to my recovery.

My advice is to balance it expressing yourself and getting support, phasing in "getting out there" (especially if you don't feel like it), not spending too much time on one or another activity.

CJ.

 

[DrivingBackwards]

Day 24

I know I shouldn't be updating, and I wasn't planning on for the weekend. I need this five minute post to vent because I'm feeling vulnerable.

So first my ex likes my LinkedIn update. Now I wake up this morning to an alert that she tried to add me on snapchat. I declined. Seriously, what the ****? A lot of different thoughts are going through my mind. There are some quiet thoughts that are telling me to reach out to her, and I'm here to quell them. The loudest thought is that she had her chance with me and she blew it. I refuse to further disrespect myself as a man by taking her back for what... a third or fourth time? No way.

I'm committed to this 60 day challenge. I like the changes in me so far and I'm just over 1/3rd of the way through. My ex can **** off.

 

[Lozboss]

Good work driving! Stay strong. Remember you miss the relationship, not her. Your emotions just confuse the two. Stay strong.


My update
Bedded a plate for the first time last night- great sex and going to be a FWB situation till mid September (when she moves back to Bristol)

I'm dipping my toe in tinder, since 19:00 GMT last night I've managed 18 matches, all HB 7 and above and closed one number already. I'm being picky but I think there's no point in shagging women you aren't into.

Still have some down periods but this is more sadness than any longing. I'll battle through and won't slip up.

 

[Jrbak7]

Day 27

I can't believe that I'm still hurting. Even when I dated this girl I knew she was a terrible person. Why I'm surprised about this is crazy and I'm mostly hurt because she closed the door on me after I helped her so much.

I saw her friend last night that I haven't seen in many months. She asked how she was and I said I hadn't talked to her in a month. She asked me for no contact and I'm respecting that. She seemed surprised. "I talked to her a couple weeks ago and it didn't come up." I just woke up from a bad dream about my ex. She was asking my advice and basically making me assume things before providing my thoughts. She is a s*** tester. She would play manipulative mind games all the time. At this point, I just want to get over the anxiety, get back to sleeping right, and move on. She's done this to other guys, as when I started dating her, another ex resurfaced with some similar issues I'm facing. She's so emotionally unstable that guys get addicted to her ups and downs.

At this point I'm aware that it's best for my life that she never surface again. She wasn't a kind person. She wasn't a good lay. She isn't the smartest girl. And I'm still hung up. I wish I knew me more. And I hope that one day I'm back to normal.

It's so strange to me. Bc the last heartbreak, I got all sorts of advice to not look for the one. Just enjoy myself. I did 3 years of single life, and casual dating. I thought I knew me and what I wanted. Then, I met her and got addicted to crazy. Time to try single me again, only hopefully I don't take 3 years to sort out what I want in life.

Getting a lot of great support on here and from friends/family. I'm scared she's going to resurface soon and that will ruin all my progress. I'm going to keep to my plan and mantra. My out of town girl is coming up again. I really like her. She is sweet, genuine, and really sociable. I've told her I wished we met a little further down the road, bc right now I'm battling some crazy demons. The best part is that she is helping through all of that, proof of how mature and thoughtful she can be. I'm glad she is willing to be patient. And I hope that it works out for both of us in a way where nobody gets hurt and we have some fun along the way. Who knows, keeping an open mind, it could be a long term thing eventually.

 

[DrivingBackwards]

Day 26

@JrBak, hang in there man. No shame in feeling down about everything. Perhaps you should take comfort in that you're at least able to think rationally to recognize that you shouldn't be hung up. I think things will swing back around for you.

This weekend end up being good and bad. The LinkedIn and snapchat thing motivated me to be more social on Saturday. I ended up meeting this really interesting girl at a coffee shop. We chatted for like 60 minutes but... she's leaving for a PhD program in two weeks so there wasn't any reason to get her number. Oh well.

Then that night I went out to bars with my friend. I ended up taking some random chick home. It was so-so.

So I guess I rebounded pretty well from my ex pseudo-communicating with me. Honestly, though, I spent most of Sunday thinking about her and how I miss what we had. It really ****ing sucked and I'm still kind of bummed. I really want to reach out but I can't. I know it will inevitably be a bad decision regardless of how she reacts to my contact.

I think I need to stay away from drinking for a while. I thought I was feeling pretty solid with my feelings for my ex. The aftermath of going out on Saturday and taking that girl home just made me feel more empty and miss my ex.

I still have work to do.

 

[Jrbak7]

Driving,

Alcohol definitely toys with us. I had a wild vacation weekend with a bunch of buddies. It was a great time, but we went to a spot my ex and I went to a couple times. And again, all those triggers and anchors had me thinking again. It helps to hear my supporters tell me that I'll be alright. My roommate just asked me how I was doing, and he and I aren't very close. He had a fiancée that cheated on him and he's been through this. He just told me, it's obviously crummy that she used you like that. You're doing so much better than most men your age, and it's obvious that the problem is not you. You're a great guy with a lot of promise, focus on bettering you and forgetting her.

That helped. As for your situation, I think I'm ok with alcohol again. It took me a couple dark nights. The one being around the day 10 mark. I got so drunk, I literally went to my room, fell in to bed and just stared at space numb for the rest of the night. People were over for dinner and my best of friends were trying to cheer me up. But that night, being miserable helped. When you get to a dark spot, I've found that it helps to embrace it. Just feel. Let it out. And then realize that life will go on. I laid there drunk for 8 hrs, just staring, coming in and out of consciousness. Then the next day, I woke up and had a decent day. I showered, I read my letters and notes about my gratitude to life's successes and my reasons why this girl is not good for me. And that helped.

Stay strong buddy. Focus on you. Think abundantly, set some ambitious goals, and be the best you that you can be. Better things will happen for you!

 

[Cejay]

Stay strong guys.

I found alcohol to be terrible during the early days. It didn't numb the pain for long and I'd end up drunk and wanting her more. So somewhere in the first few weeks I gave it up. (And stayed away even to this day) Helps with the gains in the gym and weight loss.

You're going to have down days. Don't beat yourself up. Remember that they are just feelings. You don't have to engage them. When your mind brings her up you have options:

Just say to yourself "so what?"
or observe yourself and see what happens
or purposely think of something else
or let it float away like a cloud. (Sounds flakey but works)

Distract yourself with plates, work, education, hobbies, gym, etc.

Hope that helps.

CJ

 

[Lozboss]

DAY 53,

Only a week to go.

I still have down days but I can't believe how far I've come.

By focussing on exclusively me and my happiness and realizing that time heals that I've rid myself of my oneitis.

I'll be back at day 60 to share my progress in detail.

Remember- if you have the will then you'll do it. As we used to say in the Royal Marines- Strength of Mind.

 

[KiddyA]

DAY 37,

5 weeks down.

Im starting to feel a change in myself.

I no longer feel affected when some mutual friends talk about her.

Theres still some work to be done for me as I still have days that I think to myself "what could I have done better." and my mind goes through the whole event again.

However, Im focusing on my own financial and mental goals. Dont see myself back at the dating scene anytime soon though.

 

[Jrbak7]

Day 29

Holy crap. She just texted me. I still want this girl back. Please any advice. Should I turn and run like my mind had said I should? Or do I think about giving this a shot? Or do I play coy and just keep the convo short and sweet for a few days/weeks? What do I do now?!?!

 

[Cejay]

What did the text say?

 

[Jrbak7]

I miss <my dog>. Hope you're well.

 

[Jrbak7]

The message said that she misses my dog and hopes I'm well.

I decided it's best to delete it. I'm treating this like a rom-com. She's a fun girl, but she's not someone that I could realistically be with. We already knew this from the backstory, if you followed. If she reaches out after day 60 I will be receptive. Or if she threatens harm to herself I will get her parents involved. The thought that that's a possibility is only proof that I shouldn't be with this girl.

My most trust eat source told me that I should wait at least 6 months before I think about contacting her. And if she doesn't reply then I know. He said I have to make sure I've healed completely before I try. And I have to make sure she knows I won't tolerate this "don't contact me" ... "How are you?" Back and forth bull. We can communicate when it's convenient for both of us. Not when you think you can get something out of it. Finally, we both have had to change, and that doesn't happen overnight. As of now, we're both not compatible and I'd be ruining my life if I tried otherwise.