The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[tomeck92]

Hi guys!


Well, I feel quite miserable, I always was confident and optimistic and now I feel like sh**. I also hate myself nowadays because I rejected one cute girl recently who was clearly into me just because I can't move on. I still care about my ex and jeez this no contact thing is like hell on Earth. Before we went no contact I boosted her ego with 2 drunk begging messages, she ignored them of course, so I stopped being a clingy, pathetic pu*** and tried to stop idealize her. We didn't speak since the end of April but she wished me good look for my final Examination in June (and I texted back, it was a mistake I know...) so I count the days from that day, so..

day 29

After 3 weeks I thought I'm just fine and the healing process is going on but then suddenly I started to miss her, a lot.
I remembered the last summer with her, and man that was the best summer I ever had. The feeling was so strong, I almost texted her, but then I realized how demoralizing it would be that she would ignore me and I didn't send that damn message. That's my pathetic little victory today.



sorry for my English btw, it's not my native lang

 

[Jrbak7]

Keep kicking

Good work dudes. Lots of progress. I'm realizing that I don't miss her, I miss the emotional intimacy I had with her. I could tell her anything. Now I just gotta find somebody else to tell my secrets. Strangely my one roommate is an idiot and keeps sending group messages out where we're both on it. She doesn't live in this city anymore and he's only recycling an old convo to keep our friends in line with weekend plans.

I'm starting to pick up a guitar as well. I've always wanted to learn, and what a better victory than to enjoy something for the rest of my life in her absence. And, I'm sure the next ladies will be fortunate for that, and also for me. Got a plate with me tonight, came up last night and we're hanging out two days in a row. Second girl since my ex and I broke up. 2 girls in 3 weeks. I might need to invest in latex for the remainder of summer. Nothing quite like making a girl him until 3 in the morning when you have to work at 7. Ha.

When I see this group message come through. I'm ignoring it and so is she. In fact I deleted her number so I didn't even know she was on it until my other roommate told someone to take her off in another message. Good thing I didn't mention the new plate, or maybe bad thing. Who knows.

Excellent show tonight, time to go enjoy some killer music.

 

[KiddyA]

Day 27 of NC

Made reasonable progress.
Starting to think lesser about her and weekends are easier to get by now.

However I am still entertaining the hopes of her new sociopath guy to ditch her move on to someone new.
Friends told me to just laugh at her plight when she gets dumped, my heart and mind tells me to be there for her even just as a friend.

Do we always have to use the 'an eye for an eye' theory to face situations?
I am confused whether it is my feelings which probe me to be there for her when she gets dumped or my personal morals and values to take care of someone I loved before no matter how much **** she has dealt to me.

 

[SayWhat]

It's been a while since I posted in this thread but I'm 4 months in NC besides asking her what to drink or answering when she asks something.

Certain members will know the complete story and I'm not going to bore you with telling it over again... But am going to tell what happened.

The last month I told my bosses I started working somewhere else too because of reasons I made up (the real reason was of course my ex and the fact that every day someone talked about her at my work). I would never be like this, to start working somewhere else and basically betray my bosses (who have been real good to me).

Today I just told them what was the real reason, as I still felt horrible about it. They also told me that today my ex called on of my bosses and said that she's going to break up with her husband for her new toyboy this next wednesday. This didn't feel good as I still am not over her. But I must say it's not that horrible feeling from the beginning. The main thought is still 'why him and not me' and what I did wrong.

I'm going on a holiday tomorrow for a week to a foreign country with people I don't know at all, let's hope I can enjoy it and come back a better man...

 

[Lozboss]

Saywhat:

You've learnt a good lesson: never sh*t where you eat (never date work colleagues).

 

[Cejay]

Thanks for posting that Allin. Really helps me firm up that I made the right decision not to break NC.

CJ

@tomeck92

Don't text her, believe me since I just did that haha. Didn't go well.

Ok so I broke NC at day 61. Lol. At least I find it funny.
I don't exactly know why I did it. I guess I still had some hopes.
Anyways we chatted a bit, she was distant and since it wasn't going well and I knew I had to stop that I told her that if she wanted to go out for a coffee in the next few weeks, maybe I'll be available. Honestly, I wrote that knowing that she would obviously refuse but I wanted that. So she wrote back "I'm busy in the next 2 weeks, I'll let you know if I'm free, but i don't think so". I replied "I'm not available either in the next 2 weeks, maybe after, let me know. Have a nice day"

Of course, I'm not going to hear from her again. And its ok. I think I needed to kill some hope that I still had. B*tch

 

[Cejay]

Day 74

Update: I kept it together.

I did not contact her, I did write an email where I expressed an apology, which I did not send. Then I thought about some texts but didn't do that either. Remember fellas our Exes asked us to leave their life so just because we may miss the hell out of what they were in our lives does not mean she will want to be together if you contact her.

I still think about her, I still miss her, but its the empty void and some good sex. There are plenty of other women to put there.

I dropped all my plates and started with 2 new ones. Had a first date last night that went quite well. We lost track of time and talked for 4 hours, her hand on my arm the whole time. The attention from a beautiful blond was wonderful.
I have another first date tonight. I'm messaging with 2 others on OLD that I think are also going to translate to first dates later next week. I actually turned down a few others.
Its funny to see how women react when you do that.

What changed? If you read my posts, you know that I read a lot and recently I read a book on OLD profile writing, and (based on results) I wrote far better profiles, put on different pics and am hitting the gym hard. So I think thats what's helping with the new plates and these are (seemingly) quality women, with good careers, and much higher SMVs than the Ex.

Branching out to make new friends is a huge help too. I have not met any new women through those circles but I have met a lot of men, and hanging out with men helps boost your Alpha traits and women notice that. Highly recommended.
This probably doesn't pertain much to the younger guys here, if you're in school you probably have lots of male friends but when you get older and all your pals get married or in live-in LTRs, they get leashes. Married men end up hanging with a LOT of couples and a lot of women in the beta way.
If you ever do get married make sure you keep guy time in your week. Trust me.

Anyways, I wrote too much (as usual).

Stay strong guys. It gets worse before it gets better but it does get better.

CJ.

 

[Lozboss]

Mauser you're right but I think sometimes it helps others. Certainly CJ and his journey has helped me.

CJ - good job, good luck with the new plates.

Can you share some of your OLD stuff? What sites/apps you use? What is that book?

I'm keen to expand my social circles too and use meetup.col to meet brand new people.

Regarding OLD- I'm thinking that I need to get back in shape. You've only really got once chance to impress. Thoughts?

 

[DrivingBackwards]

Day 18

@Mauser96. Good point. Don't cry over spilled milk. Just deal with it, clean it up, go get some new milk, and try to not make the same mistakes that spilled it the first time.

I still think about my ex but it doesn't do me much good. I know I'm better without her, and she's the one who missed out. Oh well.

Went to a wedding this weekend and made it a point to meet as many new people as possible. Even swung one chick into match making for me... apparently she has a lot of single friends. We will see what comes of this.

I think that the most important step to cleaning up that spilled milk is to be open to new experiences and living life... and of course lifting lol.

 

[Cejay]

Recent reads are:

Corey Wayne's 3% (wasn't great) and more notably Cracking OKCupid, which I bought for Kindle for like $2. I started following the guy's blog too. The latter was good. Some of it I knew already. Would have saved me a lot of time if I'd had it a year ago.

What you learn there is applicable on other sites. I'm using Tinder, OKC and Match. There are lots of overlap women but there are plenty that don't.

OLD does suck, don't get me wrong.
Some of the women who approach me are way below me in SMV, fat, 10 yrs older, 100 kids, etc. but I've been interacting with plenty of 7's. I cannot pull better than a 7 with OLD. Woman who are 8's are so inflated and a waste of time to chase. (For me anyway)

CJ

 

[Jrbak7]

Day 20

Starting to approach acceptance. I cycled through denial, anger, (skipped bargaining), and depression a few times in the past month. Yesterday was a down day, but productive. I find that each time I hang out with a new girl, the day after all I can think about is the loss. However, I'm starting to realize that the whole thing was toxic. I'm seeing shades of who I was early in the relationship and before the relationship. She destroyed me about 8 months before we eventually broke up. I'm too much of a fixxer to move on. She honestly did me a favor.

Spoke to my dad on the phone and he has a lot of regret with how things played out with my mom. (Divorce.) he said eventually I'll get to forgiveness. But the trick is that forgiveness is all about an ego check. If you eliminate your ego, forgiveness is nothing but being at ease with your past. Made sense to me, he sure does know how to talk about some deep stuff. Started quoting famous scientists (Einstein, pascal, Pythagoras.)

Point being. When this is all done we should be thankful. Someone ruined us, but they did it for our own benefit. We don't see it yet but there will be a time when we look back and laugh. We'll think, this new and improved me wouldn't never even approach that girl, let alone date her. Not in the spirit of winning, just about self love and bettering oneself.

Two things. Live in the moment, right now is all you have. You can't change the past and you can only impact the future. So embrace this moment. And. We are human beings, not human knowings. Just focus on being, breathing, and living. The rest will all sorts itself out.

Thanks for your support my dudes!

 

[DrivingBackwards]

Day 19

@Jrbak7 - Great post. Thank you. We are also both at about the same days of NC. It'll be interesting to compare how things end up at day 60 for both of us.

I think I am starting to get to the point of acceptance as well. I'm realizing that I was and will continue to be in control of my own life. No one made me stay with that woman.

I'm introspective and tend to try to figure out where I went wrong and what I can do in the future to be better. This break up has made me realize that there are some aspects of my life that I let slide since leaving college. One being my wardrobe. I never made a transition to update to a man's wardrobe. Anyone reading this take a look at this article: http://www.artofmanliness.com/2010/04/16/how-to-build-a-manly-wardrobe-1/

I'm slowly checking of the essentials listed in this article.

 

[Jrbak7]

Excellent blog. Funny you mention that. I used to dress like a scrub and my ex hated that. I think sometimes it was me rebelling. I sort of felt like she has a mommy complex. She needs to make the rules, take care of everything, worry about everything.

I started to feel suffocated so I ended up caving in. Becoming a couch slug and not dressing to please. Occasionally I'd be challenged with attacks on my abilities as a BF so I would do something grand and romantic. It was total BS. This woman was a master manipulator and always played victim. You don't love me. You don't touch me. You don't spend time with me. ... It got to the point where my only escape was the gym. And she would get mad if I didn't invite her along. "That's offensive." ... No. It's literally the only time I have to think. It's not offensive. She would stay at my place when I wasn't around. She needed 24/7 company because she was afraid of being by herself. I see now why she can't handle that.

There is no worse feeling than being suffocated. Yet I felt so bad for her and her insecurities, I couldn't let go. She told me once "if you don't tell me what's wrong with me I'll never find somebody." ... While we were still dating. Like she was already prepared to start looking. And now that she's moved away and asked for no contact "for now." I'm the one that feels like I was dumped. I broke up with her, but then wanted to give it a go long distance. But before I could get that point across she started seeing someone else and asked that we don't contact. It's mind boggling. But, I also think it's proof that there is a high possibilities her insecurities ruin her rebound.

Alright. Back to me. That's what no contact is about. I can't dwell. I need to focus on what matters. Bettering myself in every way possible. Learning guitar. Committing to a better diet. Hitting the weights harder. (Even though I did get a PR on deadlift a couple weeks ago.) and. Yes, upgrading the wardrobe. How do people feel about non-invasive surgeries? I've been self conscious about a certain something since long before I met her. And she used to bring it up. So now I'm debating if I'd be doing it for the right reasons. Or if it's me trying to fix something that's not broken bc I let someone devalue me as a person.

 

[DrivingBackwards]

It is hard to comment when you speak in generalities, but whatever it is you're insecure about is probably not that big of a deal. Especially if the "fix" is non-invasive surgery. Although I only know bits of your story, your ex comes off as extremely insecure with fear of abandonment. She dug into you to devalue your worth and make sure that you don't see or believe yourself as a catch who is capable of better than her.

 

[Lozboss]

I personally like Corey Wayne's stuff CJ.

I'm a subscriber to his YouTube channel and follow his newsletters.

I'll check out 'cracking Ok Cupid'- thanks!

You should try to read Models- by Mark Manson.

 

[Jrbak7]

Day 21

It was a rough night. I woke up between 2-3 and again at 4:30. Didn't get back to sleep until 5 and had to be up by 6 for work. I look like a zombie today. And in 10 minutes I get to lead my project team in a huddle. Fun fun.

Today started as one of those, I'll never be enough days. Then I got on here to post that and read driving backwards comments. That helped a lot. I speak in generalities but you still see the truth in my situation. I keep remembering how I was single before her and happy. I was loving life and then got addicted to a bad thing early. It's really helpful to know that one day, with this newfound motivation that I'll find myself in a better place with a better person. I still hold a little hope of reconciliation, but I know that my entire support group would vanish if I crumbled and went back to her. And that's in the off chance that she comes back. I do think she'll one day look back and regret leaving me, as she'll see how positively it changes my life and she'll wish she could have that. But, as stated, I deserve better. I can't live my life with someone that insecure and Wreckless. As soon as her job stresses dies down, and the allure of a new city fades, I'm confident she'll be reaching out. If only to check up on my dog. I just hope that I don't crack and can handle myself intelligibly, and compassionately without adopting her pains as my own.

Thanks again backwards, helpful comments.

 

[KiddyA]

Day 30

Yeah Im Halfway there!

Had a chat with some friends who are about 4-5 years older than me. Im 21 this year.

I came to realise that it was difficult for me in the past 30 days because I was never focused on accepting the break up but rather focusing on whether we could have a second chance and I saw NC as a 'reset' button for our relationship.

Well... today i realised that I always had the underlying thought that I cannot find someone better than her which is why I had that view in the past 30 days.

I think the trick to this is really to improve on yourself(mentally, physically and financially), I feel that when Im working on improving myself.. my mind naturally forces me to believe i deserve someone better which makes it easier to reach the 'no ****s given about my ex' stage.

 

[DrivingBackwards]

Day 20

@JrBak

No shame in feeling down last night. I still think about my ex most nights and mornings and I get pretty upset about it as well. I was talking to a buddy of mine a couple of days ago about how I feel so stupid for being upset about breaking up with my ex given that it was not a healthy relationship. He told me that he would be more concerned if I was not upset. Feeling no emotions about the break up no matter how unhealthy the relationship would be indicative of a lot deeper issues going on with you... in my opinion. So I tell myself not to sweat it about the long nights.

I too have thoughts of reconciliation with my ex. But I know that I need this 60 day break to become a better man. Going back to my ex now would only further give her the permission to be a bad person. We would be re-entering the relationship in her frame, which honestly would be a recipe for the same heartache all over again. My frame needs to be rock solid in the future for any (including with my ex) relationship of mine in the future. The goal is to live a life where a woman will only be a complement not the goal.

I think my ex will regret her decision one day as well. In a way I kind of feel bad for the amount of insecurities my ex holds. She lets them manifest in her relationships which ultimately end up ruining them. She doesn't do anything about her insecurities or take ownership in them. It's really kind of sad really. She will always be this way unless she decides to change...

But unfortunately she'll probably never learn because of the countless number of blue-pill saps out there who will white knight her. I feel bad for them... and her.

I like this thread, and JrBak we're at about the same NC days. I'm going to stick with it. You should too. It'll be cool to compare at our Day 60's. Then after that we can discuss whether we still feel the need to get in touch with our exes.

 

[Cejay]

Hey Lozboss

There's nothing wrong with Corey Wayne. I like his channel, I just find his stuff to be a little obvious and basic, but I've been reading on the subject for quite a while.

I'll check out Models.

CJ.

I personally like Corey Wayne's stuff CJ.

I'm a subscriber to his YouTube channel and follow his newsletters.

I'll check out 'cracking Ok Cupid'- thanks!

You should try to read Models- by Mark Manson.

 

[Cejay]

@JRBak, Driving,

Expect up and down days, its normal, quite possibly past the 60 day mark.

Stay busy, dedicate the time to your personal improvement and growth. Women take a lot of resources - happiness and time.

You guys are doing well.

CJ.