The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[SayWhat]

Day 7

Guess I'm doing ok, could have been worse.

Is it a good idea if someone asks how I'm doing, to say I've been on a date? This is not true, but I feel the largest reason why I feel down, is because of the ego hit and if the ex hears this she wouldn't think she's better than me (hopefully ).

Is it a good idea? Does this ruin any hope of reconciliation? I know I should never make up with mer, but I guess everyone goes through these feelings...

 

[drake33]

WTF Happened Here?

I've read this entire thread and it has really helped me out with this rough time.

I'll make this short and sweet.
*Dated her since she was 17, she is now 25. I was 21, I am now 27.
*Lived together for about a year and a half
*Have a 5 y/o daughter together
*Split in August 2011. Had some issues, communication, etc. Normal things.
*Remained friendly to each other. Had sex often. Light talks of reconciliation over the years. Co-parented very well.Helped each other emotionally, financially, and with our daughter.
*Both dated others, she is currently dating someone now, who she chose over me, after I tried to reconcile. Hes my age and is trying to get disability...WTF...I work two jobs and bust my ASS!
*On Feb. 26th, I laid it all out, like neither of us had done before. She cried, and then was sending messages like why now? You had your chance. Im happy, Ive moved on, etc. So to be completely honest, it really felt like that was when we really broke up.
*March 2nd, I ask her to come over, and talk, we do, we have sex, and she says shes going to leave this guy. Next day changes her mind, says shes giving him a chance. A week later, we talk on the phone, shes crying her eyes out, I love you, I miss you, I want our family, etc. I had to work, I said lets talk when I get done, and she agreed. I am a personal trainer, I had a client for an hour session, once, I was off, she had sent me texts saying she couldnt, and she wanted to give him a chance.
*March 15th-The final straw. She came to pick up our daughter and I got very emotional. Begging and pleading. She was trying to walk away and our daughter said "Please listen to my daddy." Shouldnt have ever happened like that. It broke my heart. So, I sent an apology text the next day and havent spoken to her since. Everything has been strictly related to our daughter. No good mornings, no how are yous, nothing. Ive almost made it 30 days of NC. I'm 2 days short. I deactivated fb. At pick ups, our daughter is old enough that I can send her out the door once I see her mom pull up into the drive. There has been no attempt on my part to contact her in any way.
I want her back, but I honestly feel disrespected and betrayed. I want another chance. I am planning to not contact her at all. She's allowed our daughter to try to facetime here lately, which is different, but I havent answered. She didnt let her for the longest time, Idk if thats a sign or not, but I want her to man up and to come to me straight up. Since February 26th, and she chose that other man, she hasnt let her facetime me. Not sure what to do. Im becoming indifferent. I am NOT doing this to get back at her, its what I started out trying, I'll admit it, but thats why the previous attempts of nc failed. But since March 16th, after the sorry text back and forth, I've gone ghost. Im beginning to heal. I see myself laughing and happy again. Our daughters bday is coming up and Im thinking of suggesting separate parties...weve never done that in the past, but you guys have to truly understand...this is a complete shift in everything thats happened before. Shes had boyfriends and Ive had girlfriends, she just stabbed me in the back.We may have broken up years ago, but it doesnt feel that way...we broke up last month..crazy huh? Her Gma reached out to me and told me she loved me and respected what I had tried to do and that she thinks shes clearly confused. Im spinning a few plates as you guys call it, but she ****ed me over royally...pretty hurt...I dont think I will ever speak to her until I get an apology. She also made some threats about our daughter...court talk...when she lost her job? Seriously? I simply ignored it...she later said she would never do that...to which I didnt respond to that nonsense...felt like bait...any input would be appreciated. Everybody in this thread....stay strong...YOU ARE A PRIZE and deserve to be treated with respect and value! Nothing less than that.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Having undertaken this process a couple of times and also having read the last few pages, here are a few notes for reference:

1. In the short to medium term (1-2 weeks), after the initial shock of a break up (which is when NC should ALWAYS start), going NC will provide a sense of relief. This sense of relief is commonly mistaken for having 'healed', having 'moved on' etc.

I notice a few guys lately claiming these things after 7-10 days; so here's the tough love - you are doing the right thing, but you're just getting started here. It's called the 60 day Challenge for a reason, not the 14-20 day challenge. I am currently 30-odd days NC with my latest GF and though it's been a reasonable ride so far, last night I lost sleep with anger over her immaturity. Negativity will come and go, maybe forever, regards these people; the real challenge is how this is dealt with on an ongoing basis.

2. @saywhat: what's the point in lying about dating, just in case you ex hears about it - this is not really in the true spirit of NC. How about just go on a real date, regardless of what the outcome is? It doesn't sound like you're ready for it though - when people harp on about 'focus on oneself' for a while, they say it for good reason.

3. Go through this process 3 or 4 times (probably/preferably with different people) and you begin to understand the value of NC and it becomes easier; value genuinely starts to shift back toward oneself and we start to develop real standards to ourselves - this may take years, rather than mere days.

4. In moments of weakness, DO NOT relent.

5. Understand the Law of Attraction and live by it.

 

[zorg198]

I'm past the 100 days and sometimes its still hard.

 

[finch2015]

The Monkey King is so right.

Its been approx 40 days since no contact, from our last meet. Thing is, I haven't a clue what shes doing now as I told her to leave me be after the last words were spoken, and get in touch if she changed her mind over the breakup. I held my head up high and left the relationship without begging, crying etc. Just expressed how I felt, and that was that.

Annoyingly, she has honored my request and left me alone, and something inside wants simply a courtesy a text seeing how I am.... Oh well, this healing process is my only option as I WILL NOT be in touch with her.

Wish I could say it gets easier but it doesn't. I feel just as much as much pain in the pit of my stomach as I did a few weeks ago, God I hope this passes. Rumination is my worst enemy and the feeling of loss is so strong (even though she WAS a callous, selfish narcissist). It's funny how you miss those that don't deserve it.

I love TheMonkeyKing's points 4 and 5:

4. In moments of weakness, DO NOT relent.

5. Understand the Law of Attraction and live by it.

I am adhering to this ruleset. For my own healing.

Meanwhile I'm trying to date but it only alleviates a bit of the grieving. Guess I was hooked on my ex more strongly than even I originally thought.

 

[SayWhat]

Day 8

This is gonna be a very sad post, but I do hope I get some answers on what I should do.

I found out she has someone else.

The hardest part is why I am not better than that new guy, I know I'm good looking (this is not to brag but I get this compliment every week) and I'm quite muscular. But this new guy is not that skinny (but not fat either), drinks constantly,...

I don't understand how he can be better than me. Well in fact I do, I'm socially not that great and this is more important than looks as we now.

Another hard part is thinking about my future and the fact I won't find anyone like her again, I liked how she acted and the sex was great, there were some issues, but love makes you forget them.

I have to work with my ex tomorrow, I know I shouldn't confront her with this, but I just want to know what I did wrong that repelled her of me, so I can improve. But I also know I want to ask her this because of the obvious reason...

I should ban her from my life, I can do this in a month because she's going to work somewhere else, but in the meantime I still have to see this wh*re from time to time.

Having said this, here's going to be something you want to shake my head and tell me what's wrong with me. Some perhaps know this from previous posts.

My 'ex', is married and has three children, we hooked up, talked about our future and her divorcing her husband. Then she broke up with me, I heard from my boss she will go completely for her husband now and won't do this again (I knew this was bull**** when I heard it). But now (after only one week) she is already seeing someone else, I just don't know what to think about it besides that she is a wh*re and has no respect for me.

There is also some stuff I don't understand, the last week she acted quite 'mad' at me, not looking at me, saying stuff at a bad tone. This also happened today, but in the evening she suddenly acted more normal. I gave her something wrong to drink and she said 'you know I don't drink this', but at a playful tone. Why does she do this? Is it because I was friendly and she had this new guy?

What should I do tomorrow? Completely ignore her? But then she would feel better about herself I guess. But I must be honest, acting completely indifferent to her is not possible, I'm emotionally devastated right now and am drinking just to feel better.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Faaaarkin 'ell lads, it's like a fckn agony column in here right now - don't mean to sound unsympathetic like; we've all been there.

I'll keep this advice short and sweet as my dinner's about to get cold:

Finch2015
It does get easier further down the road. But you gotta keep at it. If you don't wanna go on dates, don't bother. Go out with the lads instead. I've come to realise that time with boys is as important as with women, in a non-homo way. Keeps you on ya toes.

Don't chase birds if your brain and your balls aren't in it.

SayWhat
To be fair, I've never been in your sitch, but in my defense I've never let myself get there. Nor would many a discerning bloke on this here board.

My advice you you saywhat - you get as far away from this bird as quickly as possible. I can't stress this enough. As soon as your are even her SECOND in line, she becomes LAST in yours. Plus this one sounds like an absolute wrong'un. Ask yourself if you would knowingly w@nk in to the same sock as five other guys had? No you wouldn't - same fckn difference dude.

Find a far better option; she's DEFINITELY out there.


This isn't easy, right, especially if this is the first time NC. Noone said it would be. But it's character building. I was coming to this site every day in the beginning.

General tips:
-Make improvements (mental and physical)
-Read sh!t
-Read the DJ Bible, Book o' Pook, Rational Male and others
-Ask questions
-Read entries herein; members I particularly recommend (among others) - Mauser, Narcissist, Mr Wright, Atom Smasher, Desdinova, Nismo, Bingo Player, Soli (on occasion), PairPlus, Harry Wilmington, TicTac. Basically anyone with a few rep points.

 

[SayWhat]

TheMonkeyKing

Deep down I know you're right, I just want her to feel sorry for the rest of her life for doing this.

What should I do tomorrow? Just tell her I don't want anything to do with her anymore? What about when she says something work related? I think when I answer her in this context she still would think she's better than me and this is really eating me up.

I must be honest, I've read SO many books, but I can't seem to change myself. I work as a waiter and have many social contacts, but I can't keep a conversation flowing, sometimes I don't feel like talking or being friendly. Overall I'm just the same as a few years ago, I don't see any change... Otherwise she wouldn't have left me.

 

[SayWhat]

Double post

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Take it easy Chief, keep calm and get used to the idea that this might take some time. There's no magic fckn love spell, or whatever, just self-respect and hard work.

See bold...

Deep down I know you're right, I just want her to feel sorry for the rest of her life for doing this.

She might, she might not. But it's not your problem anymore. You do what you want, but if it were me, I'd be gone. For good. If you aren't already, familiarise yourself with the concept of a red flag.... this chick has them in abundance, even I can see that.

What should I do tomorrow? Just tell her I don't want anything to do with her anymore? What about when she says something work related? I think when I answer her in this context she still would think she's better than me and this is really eating me up.

Do nothing. Speak to her about work if you absolutely have to, but nothing about you two. Because there is no 'you two'. Just come back tomorrow and report that you have stayed strong. Let that be your motivation, if you must. If she think she's 'better that you' outwardly, it means she's actually not. No one is 'better' or 'worse' than anyone else. But this one does sound like a piece of work.

I must be honest, I've read SO many books, but I can't seem to change myself. I work as a waiter and have many social contacts, but I can't keep a conversation flowing, sometimes I don't feel like talking or being friendly. Overall I'm just the same as a few years ago, I don't see any change... Otherwise she wouldn't have left me.

I will check your other posts to get a grip on the situation. But for now, so fckn what if you're not talkative or friendly sometimes. Sometimes neither am I.... may be re-think your career choice though

 

[SayWhat]

Thanks MonkeyKing

One last question, what about saying hi when I see her or saying bye when she leaves?

 

[Jmurphy55]

Thanks MonkeyKing

One last question, what about saying hi when I see her or saying bye when she leaves?

You're thinking way too much about this.

Treat her like anyone else. Do you analyse whether you say hello or goodbye to any of the other staff? No, you just do it automatically. Do the same with her, just treat her like anyone else. The only reason you're in contact with her at all is for work.

Remember. Stop treating her differently from others. She's already lost that right. If she says bye, say bye back, if she says hello, smile and say hello. It's that simple. You have to act professionally in a professional environment so you can't just blank he, but professional is where it ends.

I'm willing to bet this won't even matter as knowing women as I do she'll probably wait for you to use the bathroom to leave in order to intentionally avoid you lol.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Thanks MonkeyKing

One last question, what about saying hi when I see her or saying bye when she leaves?

Be polite and civil, but don't go out of your way to make conversation nor even speak to her. She's made her decision and you can do a lot better. Get used to the idea and report back later.

 

[bebold]

Not sure what day it is...been about a month since I reached out to her. I decided to just stay off Instagram a little over a week ago I think, since kept seeing her photos. Definitely has helped me think of her less. And my desire to reach out indirectly (like social media updates you know she would like) have gone down. I think this is a mistake a lot of guys make after break up. Trying to post stuff they know girl could see either through friends or whatever that they think will make her jealous or impress her. In my experience unless she is super immature it just pushes her away.

Also, I have been getting tons of female attention lately. Which is a good ego boost and definitely helped make me less emotional about breakup. A couple of them are even better looking than my ex but definitely don't connect with them as well, so hard to completely move on. Unlike some girls on here she didn't cheat, relationship was good, and breakup was close to mutual at the time. It was more after the fact I started to really miss her.

As you can tell I still entertain fantasies of getting back together, something we even hinted at when ended it, but just no way that would happen for months so I sincerely would prefer meeting someone better and not having to bother thinking about or trying to get back together.

 

[Lozboss]

Not sure what day it is...been about a month since I reached out to her. I decided to just stay off Instagram a little over a week ago I think, since kept seeing her photos. Definitely has helped me think of her less. And my desire to reach out indirectly (like social media updates you know she would like) have gone down. I think this is a mistake a lot of guys make after break up. Trying to post stuff they know girl could see either through friends or whatever that they think will make her jealous or impress her. In my experience unless she is super immature it just pushes her away.

Also, I have been getting tons of female attention lately. Which is a good ego boost and definitely helped make me less emotional about breakup. A couple of them are even better looking than my ex but definitely don't connect with them as well, so hard to completely move on. Unlike some girls on here she didn't cheat, relationship was good, and breakup was close to mutual at the time. It was more after the fact I started to really miss her.

As you can tell I still entertain fantasies of getting back together, something we even hinted at when ended it, but just no way that would happen for months so I sincerely would prefer meeting someone better and not having to bother thinking about or trying to get back together.

Dude just get on with your life. If you ex comes back to you she comes back to you and you cross that bridge when you come to it.

One thing I learnt during the NC phase was that you believe you don't have the connection to other women you do to your ex but you have to realize this was built over time and you've forgotten what the first few times were like when you met your ex.

Give it time and give these new women a chance- it never hurts.

I suggest you get off Social Media or make yours private. If you want to attract your ex back then mystery serves far better than her knowing how good your life is.

 

[Between_The_Lines]

I have been getting tons of female attention lately. Which is a good ego boost and definitely helped make me less emotional about breakup. A couple of them are even better looking than my ex but definitely don't connect with them as well, so hard to completely move on.

You're already waaay ahead of the curve. The last thing you want to be doing is becoming a walled off recluse with tunnel vision for your ex (i.e. oneitis). Keep exploring these options. The mere fact that you even have options is your golden ticket out of this mess. That's the direction you want to keep moving in, not toward your ex, not backward...

 

[SayWhat]

I did what you guys told me. She acted normal, even teased me for a while but I just ignored it. She got mad when she wanted something to drink but I didn't see it, I just said I didn't notice. Can't help but feeling she thinks I'm just a pathetic loser because of this.

Saw her texting with this new guy when I brought drinks, this again devastated me.

This forum has a lot of women haters, I begin to understand this.

Why am I not better, why am I not someone she would go through fires for...

 

[Supersubie]

So a little update to my nc challenge, finally sorted out the flat and moved out last Saturday. She paid me all the money I'm owed from the flat on Sunday. I was out with friends and whilst a bit drunk I text her telling her I wanted space eff and that she wouldn't hear from me. She repplied "good luck with life etc" this pissed me off big time what a way to end five years aye? I stupidly said some *****y to her about her and her new bloke . Wrong move but all done now.

I saw her in town on Monday, she drove past me and didn't see me it really ruined a good day for me! I had just got a new phone , and joined the gym! Anyway still no contact, I deleted her.number and her instagram. Things are getting easier I'm less angry about her actions everyday. I just need to revamp my wardrobe, pass my driving test next week and get back.in shape. These goals are really helping me move on steadily.

Still I know when I see her with her new bloke its going to really set me back

 

[drake33]

I've read this entire thread and it has really helped me out with this rough time.

I'll make this short and sweet.
*Dated her since she was 17, she is now 25. I was 21, I am now 27.
*Lived together for about a year and a half
*Have a 5 y/o daughter together
*Split in August 2011. Had some issues, communication, etc. Normal things.
*Remained friendly to each other. Had sex often. Light talks of reconciliation over the years. Co-parented very well.Helped each other emotionally, financially, and with our daughter.
*Both dated others, she is currently dating someone now, who she chose over me, after I tried to reconcile. Hes my age and is trying to get disability...WTF...I work two jobs and bust my ASS!
*On Feb. 26th, I laid it all out, like neither of us had done before. She cried, and then was sending messages like why now? You had your chance. Im happy, Ive moved on, etc. So to be completely honest, it really felt like that was when we really broke up.
*March 2nd, I ask her to come over, and talk, we do, we have sex, and she says shes going to leave this guy. Next day changes her mind, says shes giving him a chance. A week later, we talk on the phone, shes crying her eyes out, I love you, I miss you, I want our family, etc. I had to work, I said lets talk when I get done, and she agreed. I am a personal trainer, I had a client for an hour session, once, I was off, she had sent me texts saying she couldnt, and she wanted to give him a chance.
*March 15th-The final straw. She came to pick up our daughter and I got very emotional. Begging and pleading. She was trying to walk away and our daughter said "Please listen to my daddy." Shouldnt have ever happened like that. It broke my heart. So, I sent an apology text the next day and havent spoken to her since. Everything has been strictly related to our daughter. No good mornings, no how are yous, nothing. Ive almost made it 30 days of NC. I'm 2 days short. I deactivated fb. At pick ups, our daughter is old enough that I can send her out the door once I see her mom pull up into the drive. There has been no attempt on my part to contact her in any way.
I want her back, but I honestly feel disrespected and betrayed. I want another chance. I am planning to not contact her at all. She's allowed our daughter to try to facetime here lately, which is different, but I havent answered. She didnt let her for the longest time, Idk if thats a sign or not, but I want her to man up and to come to me straight up. Since February 26th, and she chose that other man, she hasnt let her facetime me. Not sure what to do. Im becoming indifferent. I am NOT doing this to get back at her, its what I started out trying, I'll admit it, but thats why the previous attempts of nc failed. But since March 16th, after the sorry text back and forth, I've gone ghost. Im beginning to heal. I see myself laughing and happy again. Our daughters bday is coming up and Im thinking of suggesting separate parties...weve never done that in the past, but you guys have to truly understand...this is a complete shift in everything thats happened before. Shes had boyfriends and Ive had girlfriends, she just stabbed me in the back.We may have broken up years ago, but it doesnt feel that way...we broke up last month..crazy huh? Her Gma reached out to me and told me she loved me and respected what I had tried to do and that she thinks shes clearly confused. Im spinning a few plates as you guys call it, but she ****ed me over royally...pretty hurt...I dont think I will ever speak to her until I get an apology. She also made some threats about our daughter...court talk...when she lost her job? Seriously? I simply ignored it...she later said she would never do that...to which I didnt respond to that nonsense...felt like bait...any input would be appreciated. Everybody in this thread....stay strong...YOU ARE A PRIZE and deserve to be treated with respect and value! Nothing less than that.

Anybody? 30 days complete! Halfway!

 

[SayWhat]

I did what you guys told me. She acted normal, even teased me for a while but I just ignored it. She got mad when she wanted something to drink but I didn't see it, I just said I didn't notice. Can't help but feeling she thinks I'm just a pathetic loser because of this.

Saw her texting with this new guy when I brought drinks, this again devastated me.

This forum has a lot of women haters, I begin to understand this.

Why am I not better, why am I not someone she would go through fires for...

The night progressed. I'm f*ckin wasted right now. She acts like I said, even touches me because she 'fell', but in the meantime texts with this new guy in plain view where she knows I can see this.

I should ban her from my life, I want to send her a text saying this, I know I shouldn't do this.

What happened today: it was a (female) co workers birthday. She was working and I came to work and I saw her and said "happy birthday" in the normal joyful fashion when it's someone's birthday. A few minutes later she said to me "I didn't know you were this spontaneous". (She always was jealous of me and this co worker). But a few hours later I saw her texting with this new guy, I don't know what to think.

I came in the kitchen and she was talking to our boss and when I entered she said "don't enter this conversation" and laughed to our boss. In our language this sounds different, I don't know how to translate this. I just don't know about the mixed signals.

Should I delete her from FaceBook?

I want to hurt her, I don't know how.