The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[joker79]

if being yourself means being alpha or becoming it, that is ok. If you're beta, you'll be struggling forever

 

[cgr68311]

I am sure he meant feel good about being in your own skin yet develop whatever alpha you have from within aka inner game....

 

[drakeramore]

Day #38

I broke NC. My ex girl called me twice today, I did not pick up. She wrote me half an hour ago to ask me how I am, that she sent me a card for the holidays, that she hopes I have healed (since the last time we talked I told her I loved her) ).

Anyway, I wanted to write to her one last time, and I did - I told her I am doing fine, that I have accepted her leaving me, such is life, but do not want us to be friends as I will be moving on.

She told me she understands and will not attempt to contact me anymore.

I must admit I thought I would be feeling better right now. Instead, I am filled with thoughts of her again and feeling a bit rejected all over again.

Anyway, I thought what I wrote to her was necessary, just so that she would stop trying to contact me as I think that kept me from moving on.

That exchange did leave me emotionally vulnerable though, even if I kept it short, acted indifferent and more or less established some closure here as last time we spoke I was crying on the phone and telling her how much I loved her - so perhaps she did worry a little bit how I was doing.

Anyway, that is out of the way now and she has no reason or excuse to ever contact me again. That kinda seals it.

I do feel a bit like sh!t though for breaking the NC. I guess I will have to restart the whole thing back from day #1. Sucks a little bit. But any illusions now for her coming back to me are dead, she contacted me not to tell me she loves me still or anything, no, it was just because she either felt sorry for me or it was just her ego looking for a fix. I hope at least I did not provide it to her this time and will not ever do it.

She did not apologise either although I told her she disappointed me a lot by not letting me know what her plans were even though I considered her the closest person I have (outside of the family) on Earth.

It is back to day #1 all over again. If I can give some advice on this, I would say to you, guys, don't break the NC. I thought I would be feeling better now that I have had the last word and told my ex that I do not want to be friends and have made the NC official, but I do not. Learn from my experience I guess, if you would like.

 

[slappy]

Day two

Hi all,

Like a lot of people here, found this thread through Google, ready to try this sixty day challenge.

Let's get something awkward out of the way: I'm a female, and I'm the dumper.

The reason we broke up is because he lied about something really big, and kept this lie going on for months. His reason for lying is that my feelings and being upset about something were unjustified, and he has no remorse for the fact I'm upset about this huge lie. I'm willing to elaborate if you want - this isn't a small lie like him lying about where he is, or what time he came home. I'm just not sure if I should bore you guys with the past when I'm trying to move forward!

He also allowed one of his friends to be really nasty to me constantly to the point where I was in tears "Oh I said something, but she won't listen. Sorry, nothing can be done." was all he would ever say.

Aside from that he really is a great guy, so it's going to be hard to stay no contact as I have very deep feelings for him. We had a LOT of fun together, I've never had as much fun with a boyfriend as I did with him.

But it's time to move on, not just for myself, but for him too. It wouldn't be fair on him if we got back together when I can't be 100% in this relationship anymore, I think forced no contact would be exactly what he needs.

At the same time, it's going to be hard. I took a break as I was writing this to go do something, and I nearly went to call him just then.

Argh, please don't hate me because I'm female and the dumper, I want to provide support to you all too.

 

[bateman72]

Day #38

I broke NC. My ex girl called me twice today, I did not pick up. She wrote me half an hour ago to ask me how I am, that she sent me a card for the holidays, that she hopes I have healed (since the last time we talked I told her I loved her) ).

Anyway, I wanted to write to her one last time, and I did - I told her I am doing fine, that I have accepted her leaving me, such is life, but do not want us to be friends as I will be moving on.

She told me she understands and will not attempt to contact me anymore.

I must admit I thought I would be feeling better right now. Instead, I am filled with thoughts of her again and feeling a bit rejected all over again.

.

Ouch. Don't feel too bad. That could have gone much worse. However, you are right in saying that you are back to Day #1 and have some painful days ahead of you.

A lot of people stop contacting their ex just to get back into her head. You spend the first few weeks hoping that she will break down and contact you while putting your self development into suspended animation.

I broke contact at day 18 and the following seven (7) days have not been easy. they don't ever respond in the way you want them to.

the only positive thought I can offer is that with the renewed pain comes a renewed focus of getting on with your life.

Consider your first 38 days you trying to get inside her head, consider the next 60 days as you getting her out of your head.

good luck.

 

[joker79]

Day #38

I broke NC.

no good man, where's your will power?

My ex girl called me twice today, I did not pick up. She wrote me half an hour ago to ask me how I am, that she sent me a card for the holidays, that she hopes I have healed (since the last time we talked I told her I loved her) ).

bait text, looking for validation, her hamster was spinning like hell

Anyway, I wanted to write to her one last time, and I did - I told her I am doing fine, that I have accepted her leaving me, such is life, but do not want us to be friends as I will be moving on.

you should have said "I'm great, thanks for asking, appreciate it." Period. You came across as butthurt and it's clear to her that you spent all your time thinking about her. Who has the upper hand here?

She told me she understands and will not attempt to contact me anymore.

of course! her hamster is celebrating with expensive champagne

I must admit I thought I would be feeling better right now. Instead, I am filled with thoughts of her again and feeling a bit rejected all over again.

this is what happens when you break NC

Anyway, I thought what I wrote to her was necessary, just so that she would stop trying to contact me as I think that kept me from moving on.

now move on seriously

That exchange did leave me emotionally vulnerable though, even if I kept it short, acted indifferent and more or less established some closure here as last time we spoke I was crying on the phone and telling her how much I loved her - so perhaps she did worry a little bit how I was doing.

this is what you think. She's just wanted validation. The worry is not about you, is about her, she can't tolerate the thought of you thinking she's mean

Anyway, that is out of the way now and she has no reason or excuse to ever contact me again. That kinda seals it.

are you happy now? Closure doesn't mean anything. You decide when the thing is closed, you don't wait someone else to seal it

I do feel a bit like sh!t though for breaking the NC. I guess I will have to restart the whole thing back from day #1. Sucks a little bit. But any illusions now for her coming back to me are dead, she contacted me not to tell me she loves me still or anything, no, it was just because she either felt sorry for me or it was just her ego looking for a fix. I hope at least I did not provide it to her this time and will not ever do it.

she got her ego validation and now she can move on

She did not apologise either although I told her she disappointed me a lot by not letting me know what her plans were even though I considered her the closest person I have (outside of the family) on Earth.

do you think she cares?

It is back to day #1 all over again. If I can give some advice on this, I would say to you, guys, don't break the NC. I thought I would be feeling better now that I have had the last word and told my ex that I do not want to be friends and have made the NC official, but I do not. Learn from my experience I guess, if you would like.

stay strong bro and read this

http://therationalmale.com/2012/02/14/guilt-of-conceit/

 

[drakeramore]

@ Joker79,

All valid points, mate. I don't know what happened to me, i lost control.

To top it off, I just sent her a text asking her about some pictures I had sent her (if she has deleted them - i need to know for real and forgot to ask her today during our chat).

But then I could not stop myself and ended the message with something along the lines of:
"You never took any responsibility or blame for anything, did not apologise for anything, take this as a kind-hearted word of advice - take a look at yourself and your actions first before judging and blaming others as relatonships are a two-way street".

Now i deleted her number all over again, plus I will delete her number again if she answers to my message with a message of her own.

Damn, i messed up here badly. Fvck this, it is as if I still live in the past and still cannot accept that I will no longer be in contact with her, I still love her a lot. This sh1t is hard.

 

[joker79]

I guess she didn't even bother to reply. Everytime you send a txt, you're giving your attention away for free, she didn't earn it. And guess what, people always doubt of the quality of free stuff. Txts should be used just to set up dates.

Try for a second to see your behaviour from her point of view. Women love strong men, they love to feel positive emotions and deep connection with males who are strong enough to protect them (it's evolution). You're coming across as a butthurt weak man, with no clue on how to help himself, blaming her for the end of the relationship. Would you connect to a man like that if you were in her shoes? No matter how good your logic is, she doesn't care right now, she already moved on... and you're pushing her away with your actions

Now, do yourself a favour and raise from your ashes. We support you but first you need to help yourself. Start from scratch and redesign a man who LOTS of women want.

 

[slappy]

Now, do yourself a favour and raise from your ashes. We support you but first you need to help yourself. Start from scratch and redesign a man who LOTS of women want.

I agree with this. I know I'm the newbie (at least I now have a post count of two, unlike a lot of people who register, say they're totally into NC and will be here regularly and are never seen again ) but this is great advice.

Yeah you broke NC, it sucks and you're hurting. The hardest thing to do is accept it and start back at square one, but until you do you're not even on square one - you're negative square one.

 

[jackson37]

@ Joker79,

All valid points, mate. I don't know what happened to me, i lost control.

To top it off, I just sent her a text asking her about some pictures I had sent her (if she has deleted them - i need to know for real and forgot to ask her today during our chat).

But then I could not stop myself and ended the message with something along the lines of:
"You never took any responsibility or blame for anything, did not apologise for anything, take this as a kind-hearted word of advice - take a look at yourself and your actions first before judging and blaming others as relatonships are a two-way street".

Now i deleted her number all over again, plus I will delete her number again if she answers to my message with a message of her own.

Damn, i messed up here badly. Fvck this, it is as if I still live in the past and still cannot accept that I will no longer be in contact with her, I still love her a lot. This sh1t is hard.

I sympathize with you man, I was doing NC (without telling) and feel like I shouldve kept it that way. But instead was inclined by feeling bad due to the numerous messages,calls,etc to break it in order to tell her that i'm doing NC out of respect for her own closure. Found out she kissed another guy wihtout asking and it brought back up feelings which sucked.

You do get a SENSE of closure but its not worth it for anyone wanting to break NC for any reason...

It'll be alright though just start from scratch and resist the urges. I'm on day 2 myself

 

[cgr68311]

Live and learn, couple things for all those out there... just stuff that happens in real life:

Before my ex lover dumped me last week, I had dumped her back in Nov. I took her back 2-3 days after though despite she had wronged me, WTF was I thinking? She gladly came back, once we had made out, etc, she said: well, on the good bye email I sent you, I thought of asking you to remain friends so that we could still hang out and go dancing (we were really good dancing together). Case point, she did not say: "I thought of apologizing, beg you back, etc.'

 

[slappy]

I have a question for you all... how did you all handle day two? Every time we've gone to break up, I always feel absolutely great day one and by about 12pm day two I crack and contact him to work things out, giving him all the power to make all the decisions.

At the moment I have so many emotions running through me at once, it feels like they're all trying to get through a door and have trapped themselves, so I ALMOST feel emotionally numb, except for the fact I miss him and am trying my hardest not to pick up the phone and unblock him everywhere.

It seems to me that the challenge for the first few days is to start and maintain no contact, and from there onwards the healing process will commence.

Not gonna lie though...today I've been utterly miserable. I had an unrelated illness, and currently at work for eight hours. Just had my lunch break with a male friend who's liked me for a while, although it wasn't a date he did give me a quick cheeky peck which I didn't see coming, feel a bit guilty, but at the same time it's made me smile.

Anyway, seeing a friend helped a lot, definitely not feeling 100% but I feel a lot happier after coming back from lunch. I work in a mall, not glaring at happy couples anymore, or envisioning my ex, and trying to have fun chatting to customers and singing along to tunes.

My fellow NC brothers (I'm a gal but I'm still gonna refer to you all as brothers) it's a pleasure meeting you all, and I look forward to giving and receiving support.

 

[cgr68311]

I have a question for you all... how did you all handle day two? Every time we've gone to break up, I always feel absolutely great day one and by about 12pm day two I crack and contact him to work things out, giving him all the power to make all the decisions.

At the moment I have so many emotions running through me at once, it feels like they're all trying to get through a door and have trapped themselves, so I ALMOST feel emotionally numb, except for the fact I miss him and am trying my hardest not to pick up the phone and unblock him everywhere.

It seems to me that the challenge for the first few days is to start and maintain no contact, and from there onwards the healing process will commence.

Not gonna lie though...today I've been utterly miserable. I had an unrelated illness, and currently at work for eight hours. Just had my lunch break with a male friend who's liked me for a while, although it wasn't a date he did give me a quick cheeky peck which I didn't see coming, feel a bit guilty, but at the same time it's made me smile.

Anyway, seeing a friend helped a lot, definitely not feeling 100% but I feel a lot happier after coming back from lunch. I work in a mall, not glaring at happy couples anymore, or envisioning my ex, and trying to have fun chatting to customers and singing along to tunes.

My fellow NC brothers (I'm a gal but I'm still gonna refer to you all as brothers) it's a pleasure meeting you all, and I look forward to giving and receiving support.

It appears you have your mind made up, just uneasy about flaking. It's understandable. Like most posters have said here, people break up (regardless of fault/initiation) FOR A REASON. I relate a lot to your story. I lied to my ex since the start with bogus stories (that I was an ex-Special Ops agent, single, then married but abused, promised her a job, etc.) She also had her moments of b.s. deception, disrespect towards me (flirting) so yeah, in a perfect world it would be nice that WHILE we had the chance we could have compromised to work out these issues but we did not. I made a futile attempt 2 days after she broke up with me to reason with her about seeking some couple counseling due to the fact that the previous week we were happily anxious to know if she was pregnant and had plans, etc.

 

[orbion2013]

5 weeks of no contact!!

starting to feel like going ghost on her was the best thing to do.. the fact is..it was over.. she knew it & i knew it.

how can she dump someone who had already left & gone ghost on her a week earlier lol

i feel quite proud that i walked away from her & gave her nothing... not a f@cking word.. no closure.. no good byes... nothing

i gave her a clear message, she is not worth a single word & i am done with her.

the fog is clearing.. now i realize how wrong this woman was for me...

dodged a major bullet & saved myself from some severe pain & agony, if i stayed any longer with her.

this girl was a first class manipulater & very toxic!

do i want her back? hell no

do i give a f~ck if she has started seeing someone else.. yes it stings a little, but hey thats what slvts do... plus she is out of my life & that is the most important thing


all i am left with now... is anger for putting up with her crazy sh@t.. i could have walked away months and months ago

the good news is... in a few months i will feel better & one day soon, she will be out of my system & i can live & be happy again with a sane woman.

this nightmare will be over

 

[jackson37]

Just ended day 2 for me and got an interesting text from her earlier that was paragraphs and paragraphs explaining how much she will "always love me", how she respects my decision of NC and that if I ever want to be friends again she is always open to that, and how shes thankful for me being the best boyfriend when we were together, etc etc....

Didnt reply. Feels good man guess she just wanted some closure herself

 

[jackson37]

I have a question for you all... how did you all handle day two? Every time we've gone to break up, I always feel absolutely great day one and by about 12pm day two I crack and contact him to work things out, giving him all the power to make all the decisions.

At the moment I have so many emotions running through me at once, it feels like they're all trying to get through a door and have trapped themselves, so I ALMOST feel emotionally numb, except for the fact I miss him and am trying my hardest not to pick up the phone and unblock him everywhere.

It seems to me that the challenge for the first few days is to start and maintain no contact, and from there onwards the healing process will commence.

Not gonna lie though...today I've been utterly miserable. I had an unrelated illness, and currently at work for eight hours. Just had my lunch break with a male friend who's liked me for a while, although it wasn't a date he did give me a quick cheeky peck which I didn't see coming, feel a bit guilty, but at the same time it's made me smile.

Anyway, seeing a friend helped a lot, definitely not feeling 100% but I feel a lot happier after coming back from lunch. I work in a mall, not glaring at happy couples anymore, or envisioning my ex, and trying to have fun chatting to customers and singing along to tunes.

My fellow NC brothers (I'm a gal but I'm still gonna refer to you all as brothers) it's a pleasure meeting you all, and I look forward to giving and receiving support.

Slappy i think for the first couple days-week you should maybe focus on grieving your loss. Most people dont think this is good I feel but for me and others it helps get it out of your system instead of bottling it up which is what sounds like youre doing. You lost a part of your life (just like if you lost a family member to death) and you must grieve first and when that period is over it will be easier to move on, as those "burried emotions" will be gone or much weaker.

So my personal advice to you is for the first couple days-week...cry your heart out at night, miss him, allow yourself to be depressed over the loss...once that is out of your system you will find it is easier to come to acceptance than trying to accept it while bottling the feelings.

hope i helped!

 

[slappy]

Just ended day 2 for me and got an interesting text from her earlier that was paragraphs and paragraphs explaining how much she will "always love me", how she respects my decision of NC and that if I ever want to be friends again she is always open to that, and how shes thankful for me being the best boyfriend when we were together, etc etc....

Didnt reply. Feels good man guess she just wanted some closure herself

At least you're now starting to get some of your power back, which is always great.

Thanks for replying to my post, definitely going to take your advice.

I just finished work, and now I don't have anything to distract me, I'm beginning to feel a little bummed out. I got invited to a house party tonight, but it's by the friend I had lunch with today and I don't think his intentions are innocent, that and I'm too hungover as well haha. I think I'll just have a night of getting some delicious takeout, having a bath and watching tv series. My sister is overseas, so it's just me at home at the moment. I think I need some time alone to grieve as jackson37 stated, before I can move on properly.

If I can survive the night by myself enjoying my own company and confirming NC, I can do sixy days no sweat NC seems like a muscle. The longer you use it, the easier it gets.

...but for the next few days it's going to be hard not to contact him.

 

[jackson37]

At least you're now starting to get some of your power back, which is always great.

Thanks for replying to my post, definitely going to take your advice.

I just finished work, and now I don't have anything to distract me, I'm beginning to feel a little bummed out. I got invited to a house party tonight, but it's by the friend I had lunch with today and I don't think his intentions are innocent, that and I'm too hungover as well haha. I think I'll just have a night of getting some delicious takeout, having a bath and watching tv series. My sister is overseas, so it's just me at home at the moment. I think I need some time alone to grieve as jackson37 stated, before I can move on properly.

If I can survive the night by myself enjoying my own company and confirming NC, I can do sixy days no sweat NC seems like a muscle. The longer you use it, the easier it gets.

...but for the next few days it's going to be hard not to contact him.

You can do it slappy! As we're both on day 2 we could check in with each other daily and vent about how we were feeling, what bothered us, our progress, etc if you would like! It would be a nice way to outlet all those feelings we're forced to harbor.

We can do it together just for some added motivation haha so dont contact him! I wont contact my ex and you better not contact yours!

 

[slappy]

You can do it slappy! As we're both on day 2 we could check in with each other daily and vent about how we were feeling, what bothered us, our progress, etc if you would like! It would be a nice way to outlet all those feelings we're forced to harbor.

We can do it together just for some added motivation haha so dont contact him! I wont contact my ex and you better not contact yours!

Deal I think it will help us both stay motivated, as well as prove interesting to be able to compare feelings, as well as possible reactions from our exes.

Both of our exes definitely hold all the power (well did) I definitely got that from your post, as well as the fact that other people also pointed it out. Your situation is hard too because you don't want to sound like a d1ck considering she's claiming she has a mental condition, but at the same time she can't treat you like sh1t because of it.

My ex is a very lovely person, but a lot of our problems exist because he believes he held all the power. I wouldn't say he treated me like dirt (outside of fights he was the opposite) but as I got more emotionally invested, he realised I would allow him to get away with more. He even once told me "I used to think I would lose you, so I did a lot more than I did back then now, because now I know you would never leave me" haha!

I'm always the one reaching out to him after arguments, so I know he's definitely sitting around checking his phone at home wondering when I'm going to call and plead with him to work things out. It's now 9:30pm and this is the longest I've ever gone without talking to him.

So yes, more power to us my friend! Let the sixty day challenge begin!

 

[drakeramore]

I am ready to punch myself in the face.

As the pictures I mentioned earlier (I texted my ex asking her if she has deleted them) are spicy and I don't want her having them and as she did not reply to my text, I called her (3 times) to fvcking show I am not afraid of her, to get her confirmation that she deleted them and to wish her well (again ) Damn, do I feel stupid now. She did not answer my calls of course.

I am ashamed of myself right now and hate myself for my weakness.

I need to find myself in the company of new women quite soon or else I will go crazy with all those emotions in my head. It is terrible and I feel like I let myself down.