Apologies for the long post. I’ve been doing NC on my own and struggling some.
I’m posting here because like most of you, I’ve been burned and need to go NC for my own sanity.
A bit about me: probably a bit older than most here (51). Fairly well educated/read/traveled. Just goes to show you don’t have to be young to be stupid.
The backstory: I started a new job about a year and a half ago. Walked in the door and saw a cute redhead (HB7.5 or so). Was attracted to her right off away, but more than that, felt like she would have a big impact on my life. I got that right…
Her interest level seemed overly high for having just met, as I am much older than she (Red Flag #1). Turns out she’s a single mom of two kids from different fathers (Red Flag #2), one of whom is also much older than she (see Red Flag #1). She had ‘kicked him out’ and was planning on divorcing him ‘as soon as she had the money’ (Red Flag #3). She told me she was in a relationship with another guy (again, much older than she, but I didn’t know that at the time), but that he just wanted to stay as FB or FWB but she wanted more and she ‘didn’t have to settle’ so he’d soon be her ex as well. (Red Flag #4)
Within a couple of weeks (while she’s still seeing the other guy) we began Skyping each other, both at work and after hours. She was also blowing up my phone with texts and sexts. Soon after that she starts putting on webcam shows for me. (Red Flag #5) During the course of our conversations, she mentioned an affair she’d had with yet another older guy (even older than I) before she kicked her soon-to-be-ex-husband out (Red Flag #6).
One night while on Skype we were in the middle of a conversation when she said ‘gotta go – bye’ and dropped offline. Didn’t think much of it until later when she mentioned she and her recent ‘ex-boyfriend’ used to watch a certain TV show that started at that time on the night she was on Skype with me. I figure he walked in the door right about then. (Should have been Red Flag #7)
A couple of weeks later she says she’s ditched the boyfriend so we start getting really hot and heavy and she invited me over to her house after work for a fvck. After an hour or so of some porn star sex (Red Flag #8) she realizes she’s forgotten her daughter at school (Red Flag #9). She rushes off to collect her daughter and I head home.
Since we both had a long commute to work and lived relatively close together, she kept hinting that we should carpool. I finally agreed and she said she’d pay me for her portion of the gas. She did for a while, then starts to ‘forget’. I had oneitis bad, so I let it slide.
We continue fvcking for a couple months, and then she starts to become distant. She mentions something about a guy we both know who works in another division of our company, and I said something offhand like ‘what a loser’ (he’s at least 100 lbs overweight and drinks heavily). She gets all indignant and starts defending the guy. Turns out he’s the ‘ex-boyfriend’ that she supposedly dropped to start seeing me. (should have been Red Flag #10).
Things cooled off rapidly after that. Never got the LJBF speech directly, but it happened. She flirted with every man around, regardless of who or where. During that time, she went ‘camping’ a couple times (said it was with her kids. It wasn’t). She went to a wedding with a ‘friend of a friend’ and she spent the night with at his house, but ‘nothing happened, because he’s very religious and not my type’ (complete BS, turns out he was another, also considerably older than she, co-worker and ‘friend’ of mine. Of course, she fvcked him). I didn’t know this for sure at the time, so, being a total AFC at that point, I let her keep riding to work with me, going to lunch with her, helping her at work, with her college course work, etc.
A few months later she was going ‘camping’ over the weekend, and it was obvious that she wasn’t going alone. When I confronted her the following Monday, she finally admitted she’d been seeing her ex-boyfriend ‘off and on’ for months. I blew up, and didn’t talk to her for about a month. Heard through the grapevine she’s pressuring the guy to live together, but he ain’t going for it.
Started talking to her again after she sent me a Skype (I know, I know, I was halfway to the 60 days and I fvcked it up). Kept talking to her off and on for about six weeks. She sent me some new pics of her and her kids and her new car (which she wondered if I teach her how to drive, since it’s a manual. Of course, she already had her boyfriend do it – she just wanted to see if I would be stupid enough to agree). Shortly thereafter I stopped seeing her every day because I got a new job.
I basically stopped talking to her again, so a few days later she sent me a Skype asking ‘are you too good to talk to me now?’ I replied ‘no, but I really don’t see the point. You made your choices, and you didn’t choose me. I need more from this relationship than you are willing to give, so I need to move on and let you do the same. It’s not what I wanted (I wanted you, more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life) but given the way things are, it’s what I need. I’m glad you’re happy and I wish you the best’. Not great, but not completely AFC either.
After about a month I saw her at a farewell lunch for a mutual female friend. Didn’t really talk to her, even though she made a point to sit directly across the table from me. I didn’t hear from her for a while after that.
A couple weeks later I was supposed to go to an event that she and I had planned to attend together months earlier, but I didn’t feel like seeing her (and more than likely her ‘ex’ or whoever else she was fvcking at the time so she could throw them in my face) and I needed to fix my fence anyway so I blew it off. The morning of the event she starts blowing up my phone with ‘are you going to be here?’ messages. I told her ‘no, I’m going to fix my fence’.
Then I fvcked up and sent her a text saying ‘Happy Easter’. No reply. That was it…my last day as an AFC. I went NC. Deleted her from Skype. She was already gone from Facebook and LinkedIn. She’s still got my phone #s, though.
Day 0 – the NC challenge begins…
Day 1 - I received a text from her saying ‘I am free’ telling me her divorce is final. Did not reply. She either won’t care (likely) or it will piss her off. Either way, I doubt I ever hear from her again.
Day 2- I was on Skype with a female colleague of hers and the colleague mentioned she was telling everyone about her divorce being final and about some new guy at work that ‘is interested in her, but she’s not interested in him’. I asked my former colleague to please not talk about her to me from now on.
Days 3 – 10 - Tough going. I think about her all the time, but it’s slowly waning. Another female former colleague of ours sent me a Skype asking if I’d spoken with her. I told her no, there’s no point, that she made her choice, and that I’m moving on. I didn’t tell the friend I’d deleted her from Skype or ignored the text about her divorce.
Day 11 - So far so good. Getting better. Still get lots of ‘triggers’ (sights, sounds, etc) that make me think of her. Waste of time. She’s damn sure not thinking about me. Planning on a long ride through some twisty roads on the bike this weekend to help.
Day 12 - Day started off OK. Had to get up at 4 am to go to the airport to fly home. Slept the whole way and crashed when I got home so didn’t think about her at all.
Day 13 - Didn’t make the bike ride, but went down to the beach and hung out. Had a nice dinner and chatted up every woman I had a chance to, especially the HB8.5 or so that was working in the gift shop.
Day 14 - Did a bunch of work around the house that I’d been putting off for too long. Had a bad couple of hours and thought about her way too much after seeing a character in a movie that made me think of her ex she went back to.
Day 15 - Still thinking about her, but now it just pisses me off, both at her and myself. She hasn’t tried to contact me for two weeks. Sometimes wonder if I did the right thing, but then I snap out of it and realize that if she does ever bother to contact me again, it will only be all about her (it always was) and nothing to do with me.
****. Sitting in the doctor’s office and one of her favorite songs comes on the radio. Oh well. Forget her, and concentrate on chatting up the office staff. The one who I’d love to bang is already flirting with me, and the other HB8 is working today too. The good news is it _is_ getting easier.
Day 16 - Today sucks so far. Lots of triggers. The up side is there are a lot of HB8s and above in this building. Having a bit of a panic attack as I am realizing I will probably never have contact with her again. I really didn’t want to lose her.
The good news is there are 3.5 billion women on the planet. That’s 3,500 million. Even given one in a million odds that one of them is a HB8+ that I’d be interested in and would also be interested in me, that’s 3500 women. Even if only 50% of them are of appropriate age, that’s still 1750 women. I don’t think I can do 1750 women in the time I have left on this rock.
Day 17 - So far so good. She’s crossed my mind a couple times, but that’s it. Dammit, now she’s creeping in. It would help if she would try to contact me, put it probably won’t happen. She’s so used to this it’s no worries for her. Haven’t stalked her Facebook or LinkedIn yet, so that’s a good thing. Last time I looked her status was still listed as ‘single’ even though she’s trying to move in with her ‘ex’. Poor bastard probably doesn’t have a clue. I used to feel sorry for her, but now I’m starting to feel sorry for _him_.
Day 18 - Been reading the NC threads again today. It helps a lot. I just remembered she still owes me about 350 bucks, which pisses me off too.
