The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Theodora90]

So I'm at the of day 2.
Feeling slightly better, I bought a book yesterday on breakups, Jesus Christ I've become that person.

I hope he's happy, with that girl that looks like a real genuine pig.

What I'm mostly annoyed at is that he got me in to Breaking Bad... And I'm mid season 3, and I can no longer watch it...

 

[funkychunk19]

Day 19.......good days...bad days. Dont think it will get any easier untill I face the fact that its over. Hopefully this happens soon. Kinda wish she was a crazy and awful b*^tch...wouldve made it much easier.

 

[funkychunk19]

Everyone needs to ask themselves about the relationships they have had in their past. 12 years ago, 9 years ago, 4 years ago. All those ended. All were painful. Yet if I asked you today to name them, many couldn't. If I asked what caused them to end , or how you felt....you would have to really think it over. Because you have forgotten! Time has passed. This one will be no different.

Give it time. One foot in front of the other for now.

Yep....problem with me is I had major health issues in my teens. Caused a huge weight gain. So I had major self confidence issues. Probably shouldve man'd up and earlier but it took me till i was 32 before i stopped the self pity and changed my life. So this first love blindside heartbreak probably shouldve happened 15 years ago. Man its tough.........family and friends have been huge for me. All with different prespectives though...so its a bit confusing too.

 

[drakeramore]

@ funkychunk

I am in a similar situation, some health issues all throughout my 20s. First love, first breakup, huge growing pains. Still I am yet to recover. All the advice here and from your friends and family helps but at the end of the day you walk alone in this. Day by day you need to live with the pain and not let it destroy you or your desire for life.

Be positive and believe that it was meant to be and something new is in store for all of us.

Myself, I have had a bad weekend, thinking about her a lot all over again. But I know in my heart that it is over and she has moved on. So, I need to keep walking simply and to just take care of myself and go through this. Some days are very hard.

Be positive. Crack a smile even if you are dying on the inside. Try enjoying life, you never know what may happen. Don't take things for granted. Decide to be happy with being by yourself, look for the things in you that make you happy and proud to be who you are. Remind them to yourself. Look into the mirror and count your blessings and what/who you have at your side.

Decide that you will be happy and don't give in to all the negative thoughts, negativity in general, to hate and bitterness. There is more than enough of that in the world. Try to avoid it and embrace the brighter future that will come inevitably. It is just a matter of time.

In the meantime, work on yourself. Try working hard and keep yourself busy doing that. It will help.

 

[tripod23]

guys its 4 months since I totally blasted my ex for the shyt she was doing to me.....I was angry ..........im not proud of coming unglued and losing my cool......but whats done is done and there is no point even giving it a second thought really.......we all do .........but trust me stay silent.......say nothing ......do nothing.........just go on with your lives and it will get better please believe this........its always there loss if you have been a decent guy to them .....not in a beta way tho......

when they look back at how good you were to them and then they encounter all the other fvckin idiots out there they will look back and think......wow that guy was pretty good................

i have to say that the last few months for me have been hard..........but this is what you have to go through to realise your inner strength........and that's what your ex will see if you just stay silent and focus on your mission and purpose in life...........

think about it this way.......do you really think your ex wants to see you crawl and grovel like some punk..........??

don't get me wrong ....she maybe the kind of woman who likes to have you wrapped around her finger......but if this is the case she is better forgotten because in the long run there will only be one outcome.

women who manipulate you are insecure........real women with integrity will know this wont work with a real man.........they all try it to some degree but if you stand your ground.....be a fvckin man......rock solid.......they will know the score ................

stay silent guys and it will prove to any ex girlfriend you mean business...........go crawling begging , agreeing to be her doormat and you are in big trouble, she will never have any respect for you at all............

good luck fellas

 

[Lotus Effect]

I don't think all women think like that all of the time. If she really loved you then she wouldn't see you like that. I do think she got hurt when you ditched her in her time of need. I know fellow DJs will say fvck her and find another , spin plates etc but if you did connect with her and she is special out of all the chicks you have dated then I guess you would make special effort . That's how I would see it

He already made the special effort!

What did he got? Games, Distance, Rejection, Flakiness...

You can all call me bitter, or you both may even want to ignore me, when I'm really reaching out for you guys!

But nobody said moving on was easy. It is really hard. But you've got to put yourself into it. 100%

Digging for the past will never do any good. We all know it. We all experienced it...

...But you just can't quit!

The only thing that is not allowing you getting over is yourself. You don't want to move on, and so, as a self fulfilling prophecy, you won't!

It is hard letting go. It is hard giving up. Do you guys think I wanted to move on. To give up on her? I didn't. But I had to.
I still think about her a LOT. Every single song that plays I still relate them to her. But I have to keep looking foward. Not backwards.

As I said, you both may want to ignore me, and don't respond me when I'm clearly with the sole purpose of helping you out! But I want you to understand that I did not wanted any of this, the same way as you, or even more. She was the Love of my Life. Do you think I wanted to give up on that?

But I had to.

And the only way of doing so, is the clichèd, SPIN MORE PLATES. Get other chicks.

This weekend I had 3 dates in less than 24h. With 3 different chicks. One of them was my highschool crush, who was being flakey some weeks ago. I made out with 6 chicks totally between friday and saturday.

If you go back to wednesday, 4 days ago, and I've banged another chick. Thats 7 girls in 4 days guys. And I'm going out with a girl I hooked up this friday on a date. Today!

It was crazy, it was hot. I did several things. Had real great time with those chicks. Laughed. Kissed. Grinded. Played...
And one by one they are getting hotter. This one I'm going out today is absolutelly stunning.

But I did all of this because I HAVE TO MOVE ON! I have to put myself out there, and make this SPECIAL EFFORT FOR MYSELF!

So if you want to do some 'special effort', MAKE IT FOR YOURSELF...

Not for your exes. They are not moving a leaf in order to 'get things right' with you guys. You should only care about yourself!

Enjoy other girls. Enjoy Life. Enjoy yourself!

 

[nemz]

Well said!!!

 

[mikey2012]

He already made the special effort!

What did he got? Games, Distance, Rejection, Flakiness...

You can all call me bitter, or you both may even want to ignore me, when I'm really reaching out for you guys!

But nobody said moving on was easy. It is really hard. But you've got to put yourself into it. 100%

Digging for the past will never do any good. We all know it. We all experienced it...

...But you just can't quit!

The only thing that is not allowing you getting over is yourself. You don't want to move on, and so, as a self fulfilling prophecy, you won't!

It is hard letting go. It is hard giving up. Do you guys think I wanted to move on. To give up on her? I didn't. But I had to.
I still think about her a LOT. Every single song that plays I still relate them to her. But I have to keep looking foward. Not backwards.

As I said, you both may want to ignore me, and don't respond me when I'm clearly with the sole purpose of helping you out! But I want you to understand that I did not wanted any of this, the same way as you, or even more. She was the Love of my Life. Do you think I wanted to give up on that?

But I had to.

And the only way of doing so, is the clichèd, SPIN MORE PLATES. Get other chicks.

This weekend I had 3 dates in less than 24h. With 3 different chicks. One of them was my highschool crush, who was being flakey some weeks ago. I made out with 6 chicks totally between friday and saturday.

If you go back to wednesday, 4 days ago, and I've banged another chick. Thats 7 girls in 4 days guys. And I'm going out with a girl I hooked up this friday on a date. Today!

It was crazy, it was hot. I did several things. Had real great time with those chicks. Laughed. Kissed. Grinded. Played...
And one by one they are getting hotter. This one I'm going out today is absolutelly stunning.

But I did all of this because I HAVE TO MOVE ON! I have to put myself out there, and make this SPECIAL EFFORT FOR MYSELF!

So if you want to do some 'special effort', MAKE IT FOR YOURSELF...

Not for your exes. They are not moving a leaf in order to 'get things right' with you guys. You should only care about yourself!

Enjoy other girls. Enjoy Life. Enjoy yourself!

yes i would totally agree with you in most cases, but i think Jariel is a special case...

 

[Jariel]

Well, the past week I have felt amazing! I've made some changes to my diet, trying different supplements and I'm finally getting some proper sleep. I'm trying to work out what is making me feel this way or if it's a combination, but my sex drive has been sky high, my confidence is solid, I'm feeling bold, masculine, fearless and indifferent to rejection, I'm lifting heavier in the gym, having longer cardio sessions and above all, I'm feeling like a more rational human being with less of the emotional sh1t screwing with my mind.

I've also got lots of plates spinning and have an abundance mentality. My ex has started to take a backseat in my mind of late and I'm just thinking of all the new experiences I'm looking forward to and getting it on with some of these women.

Oh, and my attitude and charisma is on form too and I'm really engaging these women and escalating and breaking down the barriers of those girls I thought were hard work.

If I could just pinpoint what it is that's making me feel like this I'd bottle it up as a miracle formula. But it goes to show how your general health and wellbeing has a dramatic effect on your handling of traumatic and emotional situations.

One theory I have is that when I raise my calories above maintenance, this is when I feel most like this, whereas the last month I've been cutting and working on getting ripped and have felt a drop in my moods. Just a theory at this time though.

As for getting in touch with my ex, I'm trying to make the most of this rational mindset and I think if I can keep it up I might make contact. You see, I recognise my fault now...it wasn't the act of making contact or writing her my previous letter, it was the emotional and pathetic content of that letter. It showed me as needy, a kiss ass and it was so long winded and full of explanations and excuses. It's embarrassing now I think about it and I can't blame her for not replying.

But one thing is for sure: looking back at how I fvcked up the relationship, it all came from a place of desperation and insecurity. If she is every going to hear from me or see me again, I have to be sure it's the version of me I am at this moment and not that pathetic wimp who drove her away.

 

[Nc555]

My girlfriend recently broke up with me so I applied NC. Currently on day 2.
My situation doesn't seem to be as straightforward though. When she broke it off She said she still loves me more than anything and is happy with me and everything I do and have done. It started when another guy started texting her a lot. They were just friends which was fine with me, initially she was honest about the messages saying that they were just chatting. Then it seemed to get worse so I checked her phone. I found suggestive messages from him but her responses were just to fend it off she seemed to just want to talk. When I confronted her I was angry then I had to leave for work. The next day she said we need to talk and she said that she finds him attractive and it has made her question how she feels about me now. She is very confused by it and needs space to work it out. We have talked and talked since breaking up and she's says her problem is mostly that she feels as if she is not 100% happy with her own life and she needs to find happiness but she also wants to explore how he made her feel. She knows it isn't love with him, I said it's just a crush ! She tells me that she is so scared as she could be making the biggest mistake of her life in letting me go but if she doesn't find out what this is and find her happiness she will always wonder what could of been and that would affect us. I tried for a couple of days to change her mind but it has just destroyed me so I applied NC yesterday. Hard as hell so far but the more I read on here the better I get. Still very much up and down not eating not sleeping always hurting but I have occasional good feelings about my future. I just keep going back to her comments about this other guy (nothing has happened so far) and it drags me back to the dark place ! I know I will get there in time but it's just so hard when you are here.

Do you think that NC might apply here ?

Be gentle with me !

 

[Lotus Effect]

Sorry mikey2012, Jariel's case is not special. Not yours. And not even mine!
I thought my case was special. Turned out it wasn't!
If you want to check how "special" Jariel's case is, go back to page 150. I come up in page 160. We are 100 pages after that. And I've been on all of them. I've been watching closely. Anyway mate, you believe what you want. As I've said once, I'm just a dude over the internet!

I'd like to quote some wise words from a Man, answering my first post, some 100 pages ago. Read them wisely!
(I've bolded, underlined and colored the most usefull stuff)

Thanks mate! Glad you are finding them helpful.

There is something that have been bothering though.
I've got dumped, felt like trash, waited a while, something about a month, reengaged contact with her... Same Old, Same Old!

I would say this is because you didn't give her enough time to miss you and appreciate your value or maybe the problems with the relationship or the unattractive are still the same. This is VERY common with reconciliations unfortunately. People just want a quick stop to the pain and frustration they're feeling so end up rushing back to their ex, but once that pain has gone, the novelty wears off and it's all back to the bad times.

Long term no contact will do you a lot of good. I would also recommend giving a lot of thought to what went wrong and try to learn a valuable lesson from this break up. That way if you do ever reconcile again, you won't be repeating the same mistakes, or better yet and more likely, you won't repeat those mistakes in a future relationship.

If you're already too available and she's already taking you for granted, then seeing her while she's in this state of mind will just make the situation worse and decrease your value. What you need to do is make yourself unavailable.

In this case, I would wait to see if you hear anything. If you do, then politely decline the coffee date and tell her you think it's best you take some time apart. Be nice and civil about it and if she asks why, just say you feel like you need some time to yourself.

If you don't hear from her, then just cut contact and follow this challenge. It's a tough ride mate, but it will serve you well in the long run. Even if you feel strong at the beginning (like I did), it may hit you hard later on, but stick with it and welcome to the forum!

------------------------------------------------

However, all the problems in our relationship were still the same and it broke down again...but much worse this time. I realised that break ups happen for a reason and you have to learn from them. If you jump back together, it will break down again unless you take plenty of time out to recognise why you broke up.

I started no contact again this time hoping she'd come running back to me, but as the weeks passed, I realised this is more about my healing than trying to get her back. Now, I have come to see that it is better for me to move on.

Here is another great post from above dude

There are no magic pills or miracles to help you get over a break up, but here are some small tips that have been helping me get through my days. I thought I'd share. There are a lot more, but I'll post those in a day or two...

Take some time each day to grieve

Each day, take some private time where you indulge your thoughts about her and let out all those emotions. Cry about it and allow yourself to mourn your loss.

See it as a purging of your sorrow and pain, as you would flush away poison from your body. Think of those great times you had together, how much you will miss her and allow yourself to feel the pain.

Don't be hard on yourself. This is not a sign of weakness or femininity. It's a natural healing process and everything you are going through is normal. You are going through a time of both grief and trauma. It's not healthy to repress how your feeling or pretend that this doesn't hurt. When you keep pushing it down and carrying it round with you, it builds up and it gets worse. So just let it out!

You will usually find that having these crying sessions will leave you with a sense of relief and allow you to continue your day in a more functional way.


Stop Romanticizing the Relationship and Think Realistically

Basic human psychology indicates that people place more value what they cannot have or that which they fear losing. Therefore people who have just been dumped tend to value the unavailable person more than ever and this is the root of post break up suffering.

It’s common for the person who was dumped to romanticize the lost relationship and place their lost lover on a pedestal. They will keep reflecting on all the good times, all the excitement, the love and affection they felt, the sweet little things and gestures their partner did for them, how beautiful they were and focus on everything they have lost.
However, in reality, no relationship is perfect. It’s not all happy times, romance and love, and the chances are if you have broken up now there was a period of time towards the end of the relationship that wasn’t good at all. Perhaps you were arguing more often, taking each other for granted or you noticed a drop in affection or lack of sex and excitement. This is the reality of your relationship and this is most likely the way it would continue into the future.

Now have a think about your life once you are over her. Think about dating again, getting to experience a first kiss with a girl, the kind of wild sex that only happens at the beginning of a relationship, and how you would do things differently with all the lessons you have learned from your break up. Think of the extra freedom you have to hang out with mates, enjoy recreational activities and hobbies, and the freedom to choose your own future.

This helps to see the relationship for what it was and what it would become if you continued, and it will give you a very different perspective on moving on without her.


Watch the Movie "Swingers" with John Favreau and Vince Vaughn

Such an insightful movie and really helpful to watch during a break up.


For now, understand that this break up happened for a reason and there's something to be learned from it. It hurts like hell, but this is a good thing, because it will drill those lessons deep into your head and make sure you never do it again!

What's more, this pain will make you stronger and will give you valuable experience for the future. This is all part of your evolution as a man.

All of the above brought to you guys by no one else but Jariel himself.

It is not a special case, it is just a darker time. Filled with pain and confusion!

So Jariel mate, if you really want to reengage her, give it another 6 months!
6 months of breaking up it is not long. It is in fact a really short period of time. You should wait a least one year to try and reengage.

And please, in these next 6 months, do a favour to yourself, and go bang some other chicks. As I've said it is hard, but you really have to make that effort!

Cheers Mate!

 

[Lotus Effect]

Do you think that NC might apply here ?

Be gentle with me !

Yes f*cktard!

NC applies in yout situation. Wanna know why?!

Because right now, while you are over here crying and mourning, your EX, is out there, "testing" this new guy, and by testing, I mean TASTING, as in with her mouth. And all kind of other holes too!

So yes, the break is really good for her, because while she is out there enjoying the c0ck in order not to cry or grief over you, you are here, wallowing in self pitty!

I will tell you this, and you better read it carefully. You EX is a slüt! She does not deserve you as a boyfriend, because she couldn't see the good things on you, and instead of being able to have a conversation and deal with what she may say the problem was, she decided to go and try other c0ck, and check if any other c0ck can fill your position.

NC was made for you. It is custom tailored for your exact situation.

Please, vanish from the face of the earth. She is s*cking and f*cking while you are crying. She DOES NOT DESERVE YOUR RESPECT!

Anyway, there is also this GREAT POST from Maximus Rex, it fits your situation precisely!

Read his Original Post, and Read Mauser96's advice to user Dadude548

Please do it. It will open your eyes!
And sorry for being an ass mate. I was just like this because life won't make it easy on you, and this situation is one of these.

Peace

 

[Dgwizdal]

My girlfriend recently broke up with me so I applied NC. Currently on day 2.
My situation doesn't seem to be as straightforward though. When she broke it off She said she still loves me more than anything and is happy with me and everything I do and have done. It started when another guy started texting her a lot. They were just friends which was fine with me, initially she was honest about the messages saying that they were just chatting. Then it seemed to get worse so I checked her phone. I found suggestive messages from him but her responses were just to fend it off she seemed to just want to talk. When I confronted her I was angry then I had to leave for work. The next day she said we need to talk and she said that she finds him attractive and it has made her question how she feels about me now. She is very confused by it and needs space to work it out. We have talked and talked since breaking up and she's says her problem is mostly that she feels as if she is not 100% happy with her own life and she needs to find happiness but she also wants to explore how he made her feel. She knows it isn't love with him, I said it's just a crush ! She tells me that she is so scared as she could be making the biggest mistake of her life in letting me go but if she doesn't find out what this is and find her happiness she will always wonder what could of been and that would affect us. I tried for a couple of days to change her mind but it has just destroyed me so I applied NC yesterday. Hard as hell so far but the more I read on here the better I get. Still very much up and down not eating not sleeping always hurting but I have occasional good feelings about my future. I just keep going back to her comments about this other guy (nothing has happened so far) and it drags me back to the dark place ! I know I will get there in time but it's just so hard when you are here.

Do you think that NC might apply here ?

Be gentle with me !

Your girl has lost attraction to you which is the core behind relationship dynamics for a women. All that sh*t she says is garbage. Tell her to f*ck off and then go ghost. Don't respond to anything she says, does, attempts. You have to prove that you are higher value than her because if you were, you wouldn't of gave a sh*t and wouldn't be here in the first place. Always have a women chasing and wanting more. Always care less than her.

You are clearly a rookie - do not just sit here on the NC thread - read the DJ bible, learn why her attraction plummeted to sub zero levels - and come out ontop never making the same mistakes again.

 

[bateman72]

Everyone needs to ask themselves about the relationships they have had in their past. 12 years ago, 9 years ago, 4 years ago. All those ended. All were painful. Yet if I asked you today to name them, many couldn't. If I asked what caused them to end , or how you felt....you would have to really think it over. Because you have forgotten! Time has passed. This one will be no different.

Give it time. One foot in front of the other for now.

Just sat down and realized I am on day 39 of no contact.

I have been through enough breakups to know that I am eventually going to get over this girl just through the passing of time. I am starting to believe she is really of my life now. Its sad.

The alternative is worse however, her and I can never go back to the way we were just a couple of days before we broke up. I can call or email all my feelings to her at anytime but each time my mind lingers on doing this there is persistent feeling that its already over and it wouldn't be worth the loss of the pride and peace of mind I have earned what has been a pretty emotional 39 days.

heres to the next 21 days. I am getting better.

 

[Nc555]

Your girl has lost attraction to you which is the core behind relationship dynamics for a women. All that sh*t she says is garbage. Tell her to f*ck off and then go ghost. Don't respond to anything she says, does, attempts. You have to prove that you are higher value than her because if you were, you wouldn't of gave a sh*t and wouldn't be here in the first place. Always have a women chasing and wanting more. Always care less than her.

You are clearly a rookie - do not just sit here on the NC thread - read the DJ bible, learn why her attraction plummeted to sub zero levels - and come out ontop never making the same mistakes again.

Well thanks for being gentle ! I didn't mention we've been together for 15 years so yeah it's no surprise the attraction is gone, that's a hard thing to keep up for that long ! I do know that there is still a lot of love on both sides and we have children so I'm gonna carry on with the NC and then when/if I do see her I'm gonna put the DJ bible lessons into practise. I have hope tho that by the time 60 days has passed I will have found something else. A distraction seems like the best way to me ! If it happens then it happens, if not move on and start again.

 

[Theodora90]

So I'm at the end of day 4, I'm angry, frustrated and upset.

I hate how he just wiped me out of his life. And how I'm stuck in some sort of limbo where I'm not sleeping or eating.

Please someone tell me it gets better

 

[Jariel]

Thank you Lotus. I'd forgotten what awesome advice I give. haha.

But seriously, you're right and it helps to read back what I wrote because everything there still applies. I am still focusing on getting back to my old self and becoming better than I've ever been, and I've come a long way since I last saw my ex.

I do need to get laid though. I've rejected more women than I can count these past months and many of them were hot and up for sex, but I haven't been ready. I feel like I've reached a turning point recently though and I've got some dates lined up that I hope will help me past this boundary.

As for getting back in touch with my ex, I'm not ready yet, but some day I would like to open that door or just bury the hard feelings if nothing else.

 

[bateman72]

Thank you Lotus. I'd forgotten what awesome advice I give. haha.

But seriously, you're right and it helps to read back what I wrote because everything there still applies. I am still focusing on getting back to my old self and becoming better than I've ever been, and I've come a long way since I last saw my ex.

I do need to get laid though. I've rejected more women than I can count these past months and many of them were hot and up for sex, but I haven't been ready. I feel like I've reached a turning point recently though and I've got some dates lined up that I hope will help me past this boundary.

As for getting back in touch with my ex, I'm not ready yet, but some day I would like to open that door or just bury the hard feelings if nothing else.

jariel

10 days after my ex and broke up and she started emailing and calling me it was your post detailing what was likely to happen if i picked up that kept me from getting caught back up in a bad situation.

 

[Lotus Effect]

Thank you Lotus. I'd forgotten what awesome advice I give. haha.

No worries mate!

The same way you helped me out, and aparentelly everyone else in here, my only goal is to help you, and any other dude who is feeling lost. I was lost once, and who knows when I might loose it again...

Just remember, this is not Ex Gf bashing thread. It is the No Contact thread. I don't hate any Exs out there, specially 'cause I don't even know them. I just want you to keep it strong, because it is what is better in the long run!

Don't forget though, it is a LONG F*CKING RUN!

Also don't forget, I'm on your side mate. Even when you, sometimes, are not!

 

[Jariel]

Thanks for putting me back on track guys.

It's difficult letting go of my ex because of the way we broke up and because I was the one who caused it, but I know I must aim for that state of acceptance now. It's over and the sooner that truly registers with me, the sooner I can feel content again.

If I'm honest, I've been a little too focused on finding a replacement for my ex, someone to fill that emptiness and I may have been hoping for too much and comparing every girl I'm dating with my ex from a girlfriend point of view. I'm trying now to think of getting laid as the goal and plan to spend some time having fun.

Got a date tonight with a hot blonde. She seems a bit uptight so not sure what to expect, but we'll see.