Jariel said:
How much of your day does thinking of your ex take up?
This is something I'm very curious about. I'm not talking about those thoughts that jump into your head out of nowhere as we could never really time those, but what I want to know is how much it affects your day to day life and what sort of activities does it lead you onto?
ie. Do you find yourself researching on the net how to get her back or how to get over her?
Do you talk to people about your ex or try to find answers what went wrong?
Do you sit and wallow for long periods and find you don't have the motivation to do anything?
Do you write anything down? Lists, thoughts, things you wish you could say, do you work on letters or potential texts to send?
Do you go out and approach other women? Use dating sites or chat up women online?
Do you have any rebound prospects you talk to?
Have you been dating?
Have you been hanging out with friends or going out?
....
One of the big mistakes I made was thinking the sooner I move on and find someone else, the sooner I can get over my ex. There was also this urgency of thinking "I must find someone before she does". But none of this helps and can make things worse.
Jariel:
I'd like to share a bit about where I am at on these items. I am at day 18 of no contact after breaking no contact at day 18. ( 36 days since my breakup)
ie.
Do you find yourself researching on the net how to get her back or how to get over her?
I spent way too much time reading about this stuff. The absolute best resource I found was this forum. there is another guy on you tube called Coach Corey Wayne that has some good material.
This site directed me to some good videos:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06UnHtD1ZbY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNovswAlmio
Has all this obsessive googling been productive? Not sure yet but I believe in a month of two I might look back on this breakup and think to myself that some of the material in these videos were worth the pain of the breakup.
There is a fine line between productively seeking out advice on the internet and obsessively googling to make yourself feel better. There has been times when I have crossed that line.
Do you talk to people about your ex or try to find answers what went wrong?
One area I have noticed a big improvement from my last breakup is that I don't have much of a compulsion to talk in detail about my breakup with a lot of people and when I do discuss, its usually more about what I can do to get over it.
I might have done some small things wrong or I might have just picked the wrong girl. I am coming to peace with the idea that I probably wont ever completely figure it out.
Do you sit and wallow for long periods and find you don't have the motivation to do anything
My reaction has been more of staying really, really busy because if I sit still I start getting into obsessive thought patterns about her. My big personal disappointment is the amount of mental space I have allowed my ex girlfriend over the last 4 weeks. When we were in love, having intense sex, and talking all day long she occupied maybe 30-35% of my waking thoughts. We break up and that percentage shot up to 80%. I am chipping this away however, constantly redirecting these thoughts when they come up.
Motivation is there, the ability to concentrate is not. This means that I can withstand a painful workout session or a long jog but sitting down and trying to work at a computer for a couple of hours is pretty tough.
Do you write anything down? Lists, thoughts, things you wish you could say, do you work on letters or potential texts to send?
As I approached my second 18th day anniversary I noticed that I started falling into the same thought patterns that caused me to break NC at my first 18th day anniversary. I start thinking that its all a mistake, I over-reacted, she loved me so much etc. The next thought is "I just need to reconnect with her and we will be back to the way we were". I'm not going to break contact but I did do some journaling about her and even wrote the message I wanted to send to her down inside a notebook.
This kind of stuff just brought me down however. I started thinking about an article I read about PTSD in returning war veterans. The treatment has always been to get the soldiers to talk about their experience as a way to get over it. The article I read said studies have shown the traditional way of treating PTSD doesn't work and the trend is for the treatment to change and move away from continuous discussion and therapy focused on talking a lot about the bad things that happened. I now think journaling about your ex or writing letters you will never send is a bit of a step backward.
"Do you go out and approach other women? Use dating sites or chat up women online? "
I am using three (3) mobile dating apps which I have to work pretty hard to keep a steady stream of prospects coming. I travel a lot so it works for me. however one area I really want to improve in my dating life is cold approaches. I have been forcing myself out (even if alone) just to do more cold approaches.
this part hasn't been easy. I have been blown out pretty bad a few times but also gotten numbers and gone on dates. I rough breakdown of my cold approach success rate is listed below
total (maybe 15?)
blow outs (5) ("your an *******", "sorry not interested", turn back around away from me etc)
numbers (5) (only one out of the five has resulted in a date)
sex (once on new years eve)
The rest of the interactions just kind of faded away.
I have been filling in the gaps with online dating prospects.
Do you have any rebound prospects you talk to?
Have you been dating?
Have you been hanging out with friends or going out?
Its funny, once I took my ex gf and all her pictures off of my facebook a couple of girls who tried to friendzone me actually called or texted me.
I'm essentially dating two people, one person in my home city and one person in the city where my ex lives.
I am not particularly excited about either of them but maybe that's a good thing.
I can look at one girl in particular and say she is actually superior to my ex. she is one year younger, better body, has a decent job, good family and very few early relationship red flags compared to my ex. I actually acted like a total ass on our first date (drank too much, talked about my ex etc). She still stuck around. About the only thing I can find wrong with this girl is she is not my ex girlfriend!
One thing my dating experience has shown me is that ultimately you can't make yourself whole and happy just through women. Men achieve happiness through accomplishments and service I think.
I am happy to be back to my original 18 days, I'm a little weary of all this stuff right now but also wiser.
