Re:
The first problem is having the eyes to recognize the patterns of what is right and what is wrong, of recognizing your boundaries, of having respect for them, and standing for something.
The second problem is actually doing it. Or shall I say "responsibility."
Many men, not viewing the healthy interactions of male/female, don't understand the dynamic, and when they don't understand the dynamic, then they're trapped by human natures biggest weapons of guilt and conscience. What she says might sound 'socially' right, but it doesn't make her behavior right.
As in the case of Westcoaster's guy getting cussed out at a bar...the guys' first mistake was entertaining this girl's attitude and method of attacking him for being out late. The second one was actually giving any credence to it. He should have gone back to partying or whatever he was doing and told her he'd be home later. And the third was to be like, "if you don't like me or it, leave. Leave me. Be done."
When you can see under the veil of a woman's behavior her desire to control and be selfish, you have 1 piece of the puzzle. The other is to "risk" losing it all, to "gain" the world. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't have boundaries, if I didn't bark and bite when a girl goes too far, and if I told her in no uncertain terms, "you don't like my life, there's the door, I'm sure some other guy will love this situation, and some other girl with love a new situation with me."
It's not a matter of being a prize, at least right now it isn't. I know as a person, fvck guy, a person, I have as many rights to what I WANT, as she does. Moreover, I would NEVER do what a woman does to a man to get my point laid across, to I "expect" it not to happen to me. If it does, she gets a time out. Maybe the time out is me not answering my phone, leaving, driving her home, or just ignoring her, but until she can act appropriate, rather than CODDLE her misbehavior, I have no business in dealing with a person on that level. As I tell a woman, if my own mother who gave birth to me doesn't treat me the way "you" do, why would I EVER tolerate it from some girl who's known me a mere fraction of my life?
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I'm glad you made this post, RT, which is what goes beyond the AFC dynamic of childhood and teenage years and hopefully repairs many a broken man. The true player/jerk/d!ck laying pipe across alot of women will be a small % of the population and will never fall victim to the AFC old mentality. However, a larger % will.
Even from women now I hear how OTHER MEN behave, how other MEN dode over women, coddle them, OVER-appreciate them like some SEX AND THE CITY LIFE. Good for those guys. And normally this woman wants awards without achievement. I think that's the con-current problem. Not that men can control it, but these days EVERYONE gets respect and appreciation just for participating. Look at sports when you're young, everyone gets a trophy. Everyone gets a star. Why? We don't want kids to feel bad. Kids can't even get spanked. So in turn, there's this sense of OVER-expectation and ENTITLEMENT of treatment, and the girl will only accept what she knows, and if a guy doesn't break that down, she'll accept what he gives her OR she'll find the AFC guy to do it for her. MAYBE, she's the lucky 1% who will be rich or is rich and will cater to her, however, even that's rare.
Girls will always try to set up boundaries, just like they did as kids, just as they will to their brother's or friends. They won't speak up and be like..."Ok this is what I want." They'll take until you break. Why do you think the AFC-friend who wants in her pants keeps thinking you're just friends even though you do everything for her? Because she only wants to be friends, but you keep doing "nice" things and she thinks you want to do them as "friends." That isn't the case though. You want more, she gives signals like she wants more but doesn't, so you keep the cycle running. In the end, you're bitter because you misinterpret her signals.
A girl figures this because you're a man. She's used to someone leading and understanding her, since she so rarely understands herself with anysense of certainty.
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My own parents are opposite of the AFC spectrum. My father pretty much does what he wants, goes where he wants, when he wants. Sure, they had their violent fights of screaming, but it was just boundary pushing. Nothing I would dub as abuse. Yet, they've been together over 25 (nearly 30 years). My dad didn't hang with me much as a kid, because he was working to keep the roof over our heads, but he would teach me yardwork, fixing things, how to care for cars, golf, some sports, etc. Mom worked(s) as a nurse. She did what she had to to help with this household, but would have preferred raising us at home until dad returned. Grandfather taught us to shoot and took us to playgrounds as we aged, while the parents were away. What people would dub as "fighting" to me is healthy. It's the male-female dynamic. Centuries of evolution can't wring out the inborn biological natures we have. That alone is separate programming that's not easily over-ridden.
The biggest problem I've seen with the whole dynamic change between the sexes is women ATTEMPTING to duplicate what men do, are good at, and they love. The beauty in men-women relationships is that each sex does what they love to do and are good at. Women love setting up the social scene at home and making it perfect. A man likes to provide a woman with the resources to do so. Most guys would like to go the party, but not have to set it up, make the appetizers and decorate. Most guys like yard work, it's a sense of conquering nature for us, or being a part of it. Few women want to get truly dirty, play with bugs and dirt mounds, and manipulate machines to do so. Men want to build the house, the edges, and have small piece of it, women want to set up and make it soft and homey. What's wrong with this dynamic? If 2 people are right, it fits perfect. Its a perfect partnership.
With my current girl, she knows I don't like laying out a football sunday for my friends, but I don't mind supplying the cash and location for it. Afterwards, I'll help clean up, too. She's good at it, and she likes it. Not all relationships are like that. Some are reverse, the guy likes to cook, clean, etc. Whatever suits you. Many times I've had a girl ask me about "why I hung with a friend on such and such a day." I told I have no justification for what I do, and a woman isn't looking for any. Really its' more a trap than anything. She isn't looking for an answer, she's looking for a hook to spit out her feelings, to tell you she's disappointed in your choice over her. It's like poker, when she has POCKET Aces (AA) and on the flop she knows she has you beat, yet you call, raise, re raise, and go all in when you're beat. Don't do it. Playing her games automatically raises power to her side. Respect her, give credence to her as a person, but when she flips her shyt, don't give in. The minute you do it's the little girl who wants a pony. If you give in on a minute scale, she'll do it again and again.
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Again, you have to get the eyes (mind), from places like SoSuave. And then act upon it as you see it. To me it's the underlying philosophy that works. For other's, it might be something else. But you have to get first...
1. Your life exists before she entered. It will exist after she leaves or when she does.
2. Your mom is generally number 1, if girls close to you wouldn't do it, don't tolerate it. If you don't have good female role models, then seek positive ones that build you up.
3. She's entitled to her opinion, just like you're entitled to your's. Neither has to agree on them, but you BOTH have to respect them. The fault is in getting emotional about her opinion and pissed. If you expect to have freedom on your's, she gets her's.
4. Don't allow her to press your boundaries too much or it will continue. On a first date if she answers the phone, that's only the beginning of her trying to peel off time to force you into her wants.
There's more. Great post, RT and WestCoast CHOPPER!
A-Unit
