The cringe story that broke me...

[nomorebetaBS]

Newb here. Lurked a while, might still mostly lurk but my recent experience stung so badly that I was moved to join and share it. I know plenty can be said about it. I've never been a DJ but I have learned enough to at least not ruin the few chances I had in recent years. I wasn't looking at all in that time, so those were my only lays then but at least I didn't screw those up. I've blown too many chances with SMOKING hot women who overtly came onto me. If I gave my history with that I'd be seen as one of the most pathetic cases here. I have even felt suicidal over it at times, but I know that's a sign that I have to fix myself. I'm determined to beat this. I'm 36 and though my best looking years are gone, I know I can still look damn good. I'm far from a DJ and it's time I work on it. I don't need to get THAT many women, but I want the power to create that OPTION. I never want another experience like what I'm about to share, but I know if I don't fix this part of me I will always be at risk of it.

On to the actual story. It'll take several posts. Sorry this is so long but this was the shortest I could make it and include all the critical moments that stuck with me and that I hoped for opinions on. I thank whoever reads this whole post for taking the time, and for any possible insights offered. Behold my cringeyness and slap the sense into me, please...

It had been years since I beta'd like this and I never want to let it happen again (hence the username). Somehow I found myself doing it, unable to stop taking every step I knew was wrong along the way till I drove away maybe the hottest woman I ever had a chance with. Perhaps a 7 by whatever "official" scale for not being in her best shape, but she still shaped out absolutely gorgeously imo. Ticked all my boxes for physical attraction. A personal 9.5 for me but officially a very nice 7-8ish. Literally every inch of her was exactly the way I like, and we did see every inch of each other. Sadly, it wasn't cause we had sex, which leads to the most cringe part of all this- the fact that I couldn't bed her despite how we came in contact and the interactions that led to us meeting. See, we met on an adult website, same as those other lays I mentioned. That's how we saw every inch of each other. For a number of years, I had an exhibitionist streak, an itch I scratched posting on such sites (since I don't agree with actual public exhibitionism). I'm not proud of it but it was fun and got me some lays. She hit ME up because she loved my pics. We chatted a bit there and moved it to email. The chats were intensely sexual. I had her hanging on my every last word (she literally said that exact thing to me) and sending me many pics and videos including from the bathroom at work, in bed, in the shower, pics and videos of her touching herself to my pics and videos, etc. God damn, I HAD this one or so I believed.

We learn we live not too far from each other. I waste no time setting up logistics to meet. We meet, and from here is where it all gets confusing for me. Sometimes with these types of meetups, it goes right to sex. Other times you have to put in the work. I did what worked the times it wasn't instant sex, so based on that and our chats thus far I thought I had it in the bag. We met near where I was staying to walk a dog I was sitting, seemed like a safe first meeting. We walk and talk. It seemed to go well- very good eye contact, had her laughing and fixing her hair a lot (supposedly good signs). She did seem nervous but still receptive and in a good mood. Only tried a bit of kino and didn't steer the conversation sexually, 2 areas where I'm sorely lacking. Didn't really gauge her reaction to the kino, I was just focused on enjoying the time but it wasn't negative at least.

 

[nomorebetaBS]

We got back to our cars. I got up close to her, told her I thought she was beautiful (I know we shouldn't do this but she seemed to react well, either way it IS my cringe story) and asked to kiss her (again, I know the issue here but it's what came to me in the moment). We did, and it was pretty good though she seemed to hold back a bit. I invite her back to where I was staying and she said yes. She follows me there and we lightheartedly chat as we smoke a bowl. Still didn't sexualize convo or try kino. Maybe it caused the failure with her, maybe not. Those other lays happened in spite of not doing those things, so I didn't think much of it. But still, I do have to fix my habit of holding back from those things. Something just freezes me and I stick to safe conversation. Sometimes I can't believe I've ever gotten laid.

I brought her inside to the living room couch where we sat close and kept talking. I was going by my gut and took a chance. I started slowly rubbing her back, working my way up to her shoulders, and beginning to kiss her. Up to now, everything was still done the way that had worked other times so perhaps I got too comfortable thinking it was working. She seemed receptive at first, so it caught me off guard when she said "I can't go through with this". I stopped, asked why and she said she had just gotten out of a 15 year relationship and didn't feel ready. Maybe it was true, maybe not. Maybe it wasn't over and she was about to cheat and stopped herself. Or maybe it was one of those things where she wanted the guy to pursue it more in the moment, but with all this #metoo era stuff, it just doesn't seem wise. But of course, maybe she just wasn't into me and felt she needed an excuse. She stuck around and we still talked a while, more laughs, eye contact and hair fixing happened, so I still thought she was very much enjoying it. But I didn't make anymore moves, and as she left we did agree we'd like to see each other again and had another small kiss.

The next day she emailed me pretty early asking me my thoughts, saying she hoped I wasn't mad or disappointed, and that she worried she had teased me. I told her I'd never be mad at anyone for a decision regarding their own body and that as much as I wanted it then, I'd never force anyone into anything. She thanked me for understanding and even sent another sexy pic, and agreed to another meeting.When that day came, she canceled but offered another day and even sent pictures proving her excuse.

 

[nomorebetaBS]

From here is where I should have been strong and applied the lessons I knew, instead I let the cringeyness take over. I was so stuck wanting her that I let myself keep giving every chance. Instead of being done with it all by the second time she cancelled, I kept accepting excuses and reschedules and basically, it's all been a weird back and forth over a whopping 8 MONTHS. We had lots of conversations over that time. Many times she'd initiate after I'd go days saying nothing, but other times she'd go silent first and not get back to me on some things. And they had stopped being sexual since our meeting and I never found a way to resexualize them, another of my many mistakes. I guess I fell into her frame. About halfway into these 8 months, a second meet up actually did happen which she had requested (it had been a while since I had tried since I was tired of her cancelling). We had another decent-seeming walk and talk in a park near me. But I was more reserved that time since the first time, being bold and making a move didn't work. Again, I failed to sexualize it or escalate with kino. At one point I called her beautiful again and this time said I wanted to kiss her (instead of asking like before), and again we did and 2 soft, slow pecks on the lips happened. I felt pretty good about it and like there was some hope that I could get things moving again with her. She texted me the next morning to say good morning, we had some humorous back and forth. She stopped first though but I didn't make too much of it and went on about my week. Later in the week I texted to set up a weekend date, but she said she was on her way to Maine on a family emergency. I didn't ask what it was but I wished her well with it.

I decided to give her some space to deal with her situation and didn't text for about 2 weeks. When I did, the first official ghosting happened. I should have left it at that, but here's where my beta-ing got its worst. I cordially emailed to see what was going on. Still no reply for about 10 days, and against my better judgement (and being in a bad mood from other ****), I sent a call-out email mentioning I know I didn't deserve to be ghosted on, that if she wasn't interested I would have taken it fine if she just told me, that if I'd have known things would turn out this way I would have walked away much earlier but now I DID feel teased (as she worried about after the first meeting) and like my time had been wasted. Basically, in trying to show backbone, stand-up for myself and confront her behavior, I sperged and showed I was affected. I actually got a response from her, she was nice and apologetic but the story was flimsy- said she had been staying with her sister who had had a stroke and was recovering at a remote cabin she owns up there, and that there was no phone signal there so she had gone weeks not being able to check it, leaving tons of people mad at her. She sent pics of the place but she wasn't IN the pics, which I should have called out in my reply to her message. Instead, my weak ass accepted the excuse, thanked her for letting me know things weren't how I thought, apologized if I came across negatively and told her she'd be welcome to see me at the house I was going to be sitting if she was back in town during that time.

Weeks pass, no reply again. I sent a quick email (already a mistake) just saying "So all else aside, how's everything going?". Nothing for days. I then sent a god damn sad face (told you I got cringey) hoping it would have some kind of sting to it, and I thought to make that the last thing I said to her. 3 weeks later, I couldn't resist checking that email account (a burner account that I used for when I'd make profiles on those sites, and any chats I may have with women I'd meet from there). Upon seeing no reply again, I sent ANOTHER email, this time to the effect of:

"I'm sad to see you've gone this way about things but I'm not going to get caught up with resentment or regret. I just know I really like you and can't just give up without knowing I gave it my best shot, so I hope you'll give me another chance. Let me see you one more time and if it doesn't work we can just leave it on good terms instead of a sour note like leaving me hanging". That's paraphrased but covers the general points made and the cringey fashion in which I made them (as if it's not cringey enough that I even sent them).

 

[nomorebetaBS]

And finally, a few days later after still no reply, I followed up that email with something along similar lines, but with some differences. This one was basically:

"Well, it was worth that last shot. Sorry you've chosen this way but I don't believe it's been your intention to hurt me. I'll always wish things went differently. Even if it didn't work it could have gone much more simply with no feelings hurt or time wasted. I'll be going on with my life and goals, and seeing other women as the opportunities come. Unless you specifically meant to hurt me, (direct quote from here) my door will always be open to you. I guess I have a soft spot for you, and since you're dealing with a lot I can still forgive the way you've been with me though I don't agree with it. I hope one day you are willing to take another chance with me, and if so you know how to reach me. I wish you well with your life and whatever situations you are dealing with." No word back, and I guess I'll never hear from her again. So, by now I was up to QUINTUPLE messaging, framing things in a way that gave her the power to give ME the chances, and showing I was hurt by things.

So, there's my cringe story. By far my cringiest ever. Again I'm no DJ, but I had learned enough to go years without letting such a thing happen. HOW THE HELL DID I LET MYSELF FALL INTO THIS? I realize just about every moment I handled improperly and I just can't believe I couldn't stop myself acting those ways. I don't feel too bad about everything up to the first negative moment (her turning down sex), but from there I guess it was just like the rug was pulled out from under me and I stumbled all over. Maybe it was ALL **** tests and I failed. It's strange though, I feel like it wasn't that much of a failure at first and it seemed like she was still trying to give chances (even sending a hot pic the next day). I felt like the second meet up was another chance given, and I have mixed feelings about how I handled it (at the time I was thinking of playing it slowly because it just felt like the thing to do). But either way, after that it was a slow fade into pure ghosting and I ****ing hate it. I got weak for her, mainly because of her damn appearance but actually liking her didn't help either. Somehow, I let myself get oneitis, first time in YEARS. At the end of the day, I know my hurt over this is truly about ME even though it feels like it's about her. It just feels embarassing and humiliating.

Aside from missing out on having a woman who literally embodies all my physical fantasies, the real stinger is that I could go from all the hot chatting and pics/videos we had shared at first to...this. It really bruised my ego. Made me think "Am I this bad in person that I could turn someone so off when I had them so turned on?" I'm in a fragile state over it now but I have to find a way to not let it beat me. I need to develop whatever it is that will help this not feel like a big thing to me anymore, and not let me mess up this way anymore. I'm not interested in determining the absolute truth regarding every step of my experience with this woman, when she may have actually checked out vs when she may have still been interested, what her reasons may have been for any of her behaviors or whether any excuses were real. I just never want to let myself fall into these behaviors again.

 

[nomorebetaBS]

Last post:

Somewhat positive things I can take away from this...

1. The rest of the handful of times I met up from these adult sites, I DID manage to bed them (most were hot, 2 weren't but looked decent enough) so logically it SHOULDN'T get to me that I failed with her. I should be glad I can pull SOME (though most of my life I have failed in this area which is why I am here). They even came to ME, liking my pics and videos and messaging first so I know physically I've got the goods, which should also help me feel confident. But damn it, I let the oneitis hit me and am having trouble snapping out of it and thus those details aren't having the effect they should on me. Even though the pain has greatly reduced in recent days, I'm still CONSTANTLY thinking about this situation.

2. Cringey interactions aside, AT LEAST I can say that a woman who fits all my physical fantasies WAS turned on enough by my pics to reach out to me, have those first few weeks of chats and want to meet me. That is a good feeling, I just wish I could have handled the real life meeting properly. Instead, she got to meet the crappiest version of me, and that me has to be destroyed.

There is one thing that this has given me to consider as I've slowly started to look around again- the possibility of USING oneitis to one's advantage. As stuck as I am on her, the times I've browsed around considering attempts to plate spin I've found that women that would usually drive me wild barely even register for me. Perhaps this can help me in terms of not appearing too thirsty for any of them or risking falling into beta behaviors with them, since they just don't get to me enough. Any of you ever had this sort of thing happen?

Again, thank you to anyone who read all of this. It was hard to bring myself to share it because I feel so embarrassed, but I need to learn to confront things like that too. Any insights are appreciated.

 

[GioWolf]

I’ve been there. It was a little cringe at the end. You definitely have oneitis for her. And it didn’t help that she was stringing you along even though she wasn’t into you. She could be narcissistic and using you for narcissistic supply/validation. That’s why it’s recommended to have abundance and not invest too much emotionally into a woman you haven’t slept with yet. Also, narcissistic women have a way of drawing you in/creating oneitis more than a normal woman would. I can totally relate to this story with a similar situation I was in, and I’m glad it happened because I learned a lot and improved myself and I’m in a much better place now. Keep working on bettering yourself mentally and physically so that you are the one with options. Being ghosted is terrible, but it’s an obvious sign they aren’t interested, so it’s best to leave it be and not dwell on it and try to figure out why. You might need to read No More Mr Nice Guy, great book that helped me a lot. And definitely don’t invest that much time ever into one woman you haven’t slept with.

 

[nomorebetaBS]

Thanks for the feedback. As I said I've done some reading over the years which has helped some, but I haven't done enough or put enough work into any of this overall. So while I have at various points encountered just about everything you've mentioned there, I haven't truly internalized it and learned to put it into practice. I did ok a few times, but with this chick I guess it just really caught up with me. You're right about bettering myself. I've kept myself pretty good physically, but the rest of me needed a real kick in the ass and I think this is the one that's going to do it.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Be on your purpose for about 90 days straight with no talking to or about her. That'll tighten you up snd your self respect will return.