The Breakup Effect

[izza]

Hey everybody,

I've been on this site for 7 months now, and I've noticed a lot of guys who went through relationships and breakups talking about similar symptoms. Many out there have said that their relationship/breakup destroyed their social skills, one guy said his breakup "completely chumped me out." Personally, I noticed the effects of my relationship/breakup ranged farther than just a hurting heart - my ability to be creative, to write stories, to write poems, to make funny jokes, and to connect with people was completely and utterly gone. My sex drive is reduced. I feel like I'm in a rut that I cannot escape. The lighthearted moments in my life are few and fleeting.

And I should add that I am pretty well over that girl, and I feel fine emotionally, but I remember being a far more creative and loving person. I feel like my heart is closed off from the people around me, and I've noticed a lot of people, long after their breakups complaining of the same loss of social skills - even of artistic skills.

Does anyone out there relate to what I'm saying? Is this just a risidual effect from the original hurt of the breakup? Is this normal? Does it pass?

I feel soulless several hours a day - but I have hours of joy and soulful feeling, and of love. Maybe this is what finding myself feels like. I know I will fight out of this and find myself, because I'm never going to give up until I find a fulfilling life - but I'm just wondering if anyone else out there has felt this, and fought through it. Thanks everybody!

Izza

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

It'll pass as when you do something about it.

 

[izza]

That is self-evident.

Izza

 

[Nightspark]

You're mind's tainted and for some reason you're not doing anything about it dude..

it's alll in the mind! All these creativity blocks and soulessness is just you're ego trying to screw you sideways (in an ironic fashion it's also protecting you) and stop you from suffering another mental slash.

that's what it looks like and that's what i had a while back... you'll learn to deal with it eventually as soon as you do something about it

Godspeed
-Nightspark

 

[Funkopotamus]

Originally posted by Nightspark
You're mind's tainted and for some reason you're not doing anything about it dude..

it's alll in the mind! All these creativity blocks and soulessness is just you're ego trying to screw you sideways (in an ironic fashion it's also protecting you) and stop you from suffering another mental slash.

that's what it looks like and that's what i had a while back... you'll learn to deal with it eventually as soon as you do something about it

Godspeed
-Nightspark

This man knows his shyt!

I was the exact same way for a bit after my lady of 7 years and I broke it off. I was lost and empty inside. Then one day I woke up and thought to myself. “Ok… I have one life to live… Am I going to just sit here and let the past run my life?


Right now there is a wall in front of you bro. You have two choices. You can stay behind that wall and live in its shadow for the rest of your life. Or… you can gain momentum and bust through that wall and keep on going.


I will tell you this though. After you clear that wall NEVER look back. Not for a second if anything remember that thing and learn from what the hell put you behind it and keep going. I cleared that wall and I happen to love myself for doing it!


Funk out...

 

[izza]

I don't know why some of you are getting the impression I'm doing nothing about it - anyway, I'm writing stories, I'm doing boot camp, I'm forgiving the ex, I'm forgiving myself, I'm connecting to people, I'm reading, I'm hitting the gym, and I'm hugely improving my piano playing. I'm doing everything about it all at once. I assure you, I'm earning myself soul. Not there's anything wrong with sharing feelings of frustration, but I'm not one to idly complain.

Anyway, I find it strange that so many share the same effects SO LONG after breakups. It's really strange how a thing like that can just destroy the creative and joyful spirit within you.

Nightspark: Why do you think stopping the flow of creative abilities protects you? Why do you think this happens?

Funk: Sh!t dude, that's a long relationship. I'm glad to hear you found your way out. I'm sort of rediscovered my soul in fits and starts, piece by piece. I haven't found it to be a wall that I break through, more like a winding path that I follow. Hey, it leads to a great life, so I don't mind.

Thanks everyone,

Izza

 

[becker]

Yeah, this is pretty rough, I know how you're feeling. You can get over it, once you find a girl that's better than the one that you just broke up with (yes, there is going to be one) you'll discover that you were probably in somewhat of a shotty relationship anyways. Hard to imagine now, but it's how it will work.

Once you find another girl, she will disappear from your thoughts almost completely.

 

[cup of coffee]

man, i've been there. still there, to an extent, actually.

it sounds like you're feeling similiar to how i did... does this sound like you?

1) fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day ("I feel soulless several hours a day")
2) diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (lack of creativity)
3) The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning ("feel like my heart is closed off")
4) depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day ("few and fleeting lighthearted moments")
5) the symptoms persist for longer than 2 months
6) markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (lack of sex drive...)



if you hadn't gathered, this is pretty much a copy-and-paste job from the DSM-IV criteria for a major depressive episode.

it is not uncommon for depression to manifest itself in ways other than affectively (emotionally). for me, personally, one of the biggest problems was with concentration - for the life of me, i could not focus on anything i needed to read (which makes for a pretty horrible couple of semesters at school). i finally found myself taking a battery of tests to determine if i had attention deficent disorder; i was surprised to find that i didn't - and, in fact, on at least four personality inventories, i scored very high for depression. and this was months after the breakup, months after i had started reading PUA stuff, long after i had changed my diet, started exercising, started meeting other women, etc. (suffice it to say, i hadn't had a satisfying relationship since the last one).





my point is this: even if you have the right attitude, even if you're committed to self-improvement, even if you feel fine emotionally, you owe it to yourself to get checked out. it's the next logical step in the path to getting out of this and back on track, and it'll certainly help you with your rediscovery.

as for creativity - in my experience, it requires harmony and/or comfort.

good luck...

 

[charolastra]

I'm one month into my breakup. I wish it was as easy as finding the NEXT "replacement" to finally get one's ex out of your mind. In my case, I compare my ex to a Mercedes Benz...all the nice features you ever wanted in a car! After driving Hondas and Toyotas all my life, it’s hard to going back to them. Yeah I know…like my friend says: “What good does it do to have a Mercedes Benz if you can’t drive it?”…and indeed, this is what happen…my ex was not available. It was not infatuation…this was the first time I was with somebody I didn’t have to change. Our relationship lasted 5 months, and during the first 2 months, she was all over me. Then she flipped out on me…as it usually happens. The difference this time is that I didn’t expect her to react this way...but I’ll have to learn from this experience.

I’m at a stage now where I’ve accepted the fact that she’s gone (already with new guy)…so getting back together is out of the question. I do go through mood swings…mostly anger. I was the one who broke it off and it makes me feel better. She said: “I know you’re gonna be calling me in a week”…She’s still waiting………..

Some of you guys hit the weights and focus on getting fit and all that and that’s fine.. I’m a fitness trainer, so the only changes I can make are within myself…learn from this whole thing and hope it will make a better man out of me...

The thing that bugs me the more is expecting she will call one day regretting what she did…but that moment may never come. I wish I could redeem myself but I guess these feelings will pass away…with TIME.

charolastra

 

[Reyaj]

I am in the same boat here. I recently broke up with my ex and it hasn't been easy. I have been depressed, hurt, angry etc... and I am the one that broke it off lol

The thing is I do feel better today. With time things wil fall into place... thats all I can really say. Best thing to do is try and keep busy, maybe even do some soul searching. If you can learn from something, it was worth happening.

 

[becker]

It's the typical "she was everything I wanted" response. I know it's difficult to imagine right now, probably because you're sitting around thinking of her all the time, but there are tons of girls out there that match the type of girl that you want. Don't worry, and don't go out searching, just meet people, keep it mellow, and if things work out, they'll work out. The more you actively seek a girl, the more difficult it will be, because you may find a girl that you like who isn't that into you, but you're going to try to convince her that you are, sort of like trying to fit the proverbial square peg into the round hole.

I started talking to several girls recently (I'm 3 months after a breakup right now) and I'm just talking to them, nothing special, just completely being myself, and being sort of goofy, but with no intention of getting together with any of them, even though they're pretty hot. Anyways, I've got them inviting me to go out with them, and some are pursuing me even harder than that. This is the same thing that happened with my last girl.

If they like you, they'll find a way to call you, contact you or whatever, and many times it will be for no real reason at all, because when you ask her what she wants, she won't really have any reason to give you. Just happened to me the other day, this girl called me out of the blue, I had not seen her for a few weeks or so, nor did I call her, e-mail her or anything. Zero contact. I knew she was interested in me, but I wasn't interested in her.

Granted, the super hot girls who have a lot of suitors after them will have inflated egos and that makes it a little more difficult if you want them calling you all the time because they're probably sick of having to juggle all these guys at the same time, and will just find ways to sort of kick some to the curb just to lighten the load.

Don't worry though, I've been where you are. It will pass, just try to stop thinking about her too much if you can. If you get together with another girl, then you can maybe contact her again and maybe just be friends with her, provided you can keep from wanting to be with her. It sucks, I've lost a lot of potential girl "friends" from this. I don't have a problem, and even if they're seeing another guy, I don't have any issues with that, as long as we're friends and that's it, just because there are other gals out there, and if things didn't work out with this one, there was probably a reason (whatever it is, don't worry about it, just accept it).

 

[HereToImprove]

I just got out of a 3 year relationship a month ago, and I can feel what you are going through. My game was really peaking (which is how I got her in the first place) at the beginning of the relationship.

All of a sudden, I wake up three and a half years later completely out of practice after only opening a small handful of sets in that time (I did reasonably well, had a couple of them take me back to their place but I abstained from messing around with them). Still, you just feel like its overwhelming and foreign to get back in the game after that much time not even thinking about it.

 

[charolastra]

Has anyone of you guys received a call from one of your exes after Mr. Jerk has dumped them a few months later??

If so, what has your reaction be???

charolatra

 

[Ricky]

I still keep in touch with them but at a distance.

IT is one way to keep yourself in their mind, if you want one of em back, and also allow for occasional sex again.

 

[izza]

Charo,

Yup she wanted to be friends after she broke up with me, but I wasn't up for that. I made one effort to be friends, she blew me off and that was it. Wasn't meant to be.

Yo Cup of Coffee,

Thanks for the concern man. I felt like that at first, but I feel much better now. I'm still getting over emotions of hurt some of the time, but all in all, this has been good for me. Thanks,

I

 

[becker]

Have any of you parted amicably with an ex and had her come back to you after months of no contact? What have you done in this situation?