TheRagingBull
Don Juan
- Joined
- Jan 3, 2020
- Messages
- 23
- Reaction score
- 17
- Age
- 31
Dear Don Juans,
Today I had an interesting insight. I'm a recovering nice guy who's now being kind of an ******* to compensate for his niceness. I was almost never bitter towards people--men and women--now I start to feel bitter to some.
I realized this all has to do with who's judging who in your own mind. Let me elaborate. Me as a nice guy goes; "Oh, they're so cool people, I hope they'll like me, let's be a pvssy and be nice". In the mind, this is all about them judging ME in a good way. (I hope THEY like me) Did I do some judging about them? Sure, but the focus was on them judging ME in a good way, not that I was judging THEM in the right way.
Now I'm starting to be less and less nice, guess where the focus is going; on them. Instead of thinking "I hope they like me", it's a take it or leave it mentality--I'll find other people to hang out if we don't click. A girl says something stupid? Dismiss. A girl comes too late? Dismiss. A girl lets a fart? Dismiss. Now the focus is on me judging THEM, instead of vice versa.
Obviously this is a great scenario, you're more free and you can see better how the person you're with truly is. However, you also see better the vile behavior of some people, especially towards you. You see them disrespecting you, and instead of taking the blame as a "nice" guy, you take responsibility. This can bring bitterness and resentment towards people in your life.
It becomes more and more clear why strong boundaries are so important. My last post was a question on how to put a girl in her place, this came from a mindset of me showing her who's the boss. I realize now that this also came from the wrong place. It's not about putting her in her place, it's about protecting my own boundaries. It's not about yelling at her that she's disrespecting me. It's about me realizing "hey, she just crossed my boundaries, dismiss". It's about not letting people close to you who can bring that bitterness and resentment, but bring happiness and joy instead.
Today I had an interesting insight. I'm a recovering nice guy who's now being kind of an ******* to compensate for his niceness. I was almost never bitter towards people--men and women--now I start to feel bitter to some.
I realized this all has to do with who's judging who in your own mind. Let me elaborate. Me as a nice guy goes; "Oh, they're so cool people, I hope they'll like me, let's be a pvssy and be nice". In the mind, this is all about them judging ME in a good way. (I hope THEY like me) Did I do some judging about them? Sure, but the focus was on them judging ME in a good way, not that I was judging THEM in the right way.
Now I'm starting to be less and less nice, guess where the focus is going; on them. Instead of thinking "I hope they like me", it's a take it or leave it mentality--I'll find other people to hang out if we don't click. A girl says something stupid? Dismiss. A girl comes too late? Dismiss. A girl lets a fart? Dismiss. Now the focus is on me judging THEM, instead of vice versa.
Obviously this is a great scenario, you're more free and you can see better how the person you're with truly is. However, you also see better the vile behavior of some people, especially towards you. You see them disrespecting you, and instead of taking the blame as a "nice" guy, you take responsibility. This can bring bitterness and resentment towards people in your life.
It becomes more and more clear why strong boundaries are so important. My last post was a question on how to put a girl in her place, this came from a mindset of me showing her who's the boss. I realize now that this also came from the wrong place. It's not about putting her in her place, it's about protecting my own boundaries. It's not about yelling at her that she's disrespecting me. It's about me realizing "hey, she just crossed my boundaries, dismiss". It's about not letting people close to you who can bring that bitterness and resentment, but bring happiness and joy instead.