The bitterness of a recovering nice guy

TheRagingBull

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Dear Don Juans,

Today I had an interesting insight. I'm a recovering nice guy who's now being kind of an ******* to compensate for his niceness. I was almost never bitter towards people--men and women--now I start to feel bitter to some.

I realized this all has to do with who's judging who in your own mind. Let me elaborate. Me as a nice guy goes; "Oh, they're so cool people, I hope they'll like me, let's be a pvssy and be nice". In the mind, this is all about them judging ME in a good way. (I hope THEY like me) Did I do some judging about them? Sure, but the focus was on them judging ME in a good way, not that I was judging THEM in the right way.

Now I'm starting to be less and less nice, guess where the focus is going; on them. Instead of thinking "I hope they like me", it's a take it or leave it mentality--I'll find other people to hang out if we don't click. A girl says something stupid? Dismiss. A girl comes too late? Dismiss. A girl lets a fart? Dismiss. Now the focus is on me judging THEM, instead of vice versa.

Obviously this is a great scenario, you're more free and you can see better how the person you're with truly is. However, you also see better the vile behavior of some people, especially towards you. You see them disrespecting you, and instead of taking the blame as a "nice" guy, you take responsibility. This can bring bitterness and resentment towards people in your life.

It becomes more and more clear why strong boundaries are so important. My last post was a question on how to put a girl in her place, this came from a mindset of me showing her who's the boss. I realize now that this also came from the wrong place. It's not about putting her in her place, it's about protecting my own boundaries. It's not about yelling at her that she's disrespecting me. It's about me realizing "hey, she just crossed my boundaries, dismiss". It's about not letting people close to you who can bring that bitterness and resentment, but bring happiness and joy instead.
 

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lamath

Master Don Juan
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Dear Don Juans,

Today I had an interesting insight. I'm a recovering nice guy who's now being kind of an ******* to compensate for his niceness. I was almost never bitter towards people--men and women--now I start to feel bitter to some.

I realized this all has to do with who's judging who in your own mind. Let me elaborate. Me as a nice guy goes; "Oh, they're so cool people, I hope they'll like me, let's be a pvssy and be nice". In the mind, this is all about them judging ME in a good way. (I hope THEY like me) Did I do some judging about them? Sure, but the focus was on them judging ME in a good way, not that I was judging THEM in the right way.

Now I'm starting to be less and less nice, guess where the focus is going; on them. Instead of thinking "I hope they like me", it's a take it or leave it mentality--I'll find other people to hang out if we don't click. A girl says something stupid? Dismiss. A girl comes too late? Dismiss. A girl lets a fart? Dismiss. Now the focus is on me judging THEM, instead of vice versa.

Obviously this is a great scenario, you're more free and you can see better how the person you're with truly is. However, you also see better the vile behavior of some people, especially towards you. You see them disrespecting you, and instead of taking the blame as a "nice" guy, you take responsibility. This can bring bitterness and resentment towards people in your life.

It becomes more and more clear why strong boundaries are so important. My last post was a question on how to put a girl in her place, this came from a mindset of me showing her who's the boss. I realize now that this also came from the wrong place. It's not about putting her in her place, it's about protecting my own boundaries. It's not about yelling at her that she's disrespecting me. It's about me realizing "hey, she just crossed my boundaries, dismiss". It's about not letting people close to you who can bring that bitterness and resentment, but bring happiness and joy instead.
A Choosers mindset is great when in comes to dating and women.

Being nice is not a bad thing if you dont sacrifice yourself when doing so.
Dont be too agreeable, you can be nice but always always put yourself first.
 

samspade

Master Don Juan
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At first it can be disillusioning, seeing people for how they truly are.

But don't let it become bitterness. Look at it this way. You're saving all kinds of time by screening people and avoiding the lousy ones. They'll be someone else's problem, for sure. But it's not your problem. This means you know a secret that many men will never learn: You are a free man. Free to do what you choose, go where you choose, and associate with whom you choose.

Not bad, eh?
 

logicallefty

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Op, your struggle is very common and very real. Been there. To break it down as simply as I can you have to move your default mindset from being trusting and nice to everyone to cautious and considerate. Screen then and make sure they are worthy of your time and trust . Be considerate to them as human beings, when they deserve it, but don’t go out of your way to be the balls to the walls nice guy anymore. It’s a process.
 
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mrgoodstuff

Master Don Juan
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Op, your struggle is very common and very real. Been there. To break it down as simply as I can you have to move your default mindset from being trusting and nice to everyone to cautious and considerate. Screen then and make sure they are worthy of your time and trust . Be considerate to them as human beings, when they deserve it, but don’t go out of your way to be the balls to the walls nice guy anymore. It’s a process.
One extreme to another. Everyone is not an azzhole and everyone is not nice. Know your audience. Have some standards where you become aware of who your dealing with so any kindness can be displayed when appropriate. With groups of overly critical folk excessive kindness is not the right thing to do. Be aware of what your actions communicate. Be aware of what THEY are communicating.
 
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