Tactful way to express autonomy on a first date?

[halfguard]

I'm 51. Have done well over the years with women and oddly enough getting better still.

I just do not want a monogamous traditional relationship. I do not want the "why didn't you text me last night?" Or "where is my good morning text?" Or "you saw me the last 2 Tuesdays so I figured you'd see me this Tuesday too." And all the crap that comes with it.

I've always kept those boundaries but in the end someone always gets hurt in the rotation.

I have a few dates lined up with new girls in the next week or so and inevitably the "what are looking for" comes up in some way shape or form.

For the middle aged dudes out there who live a soviergn, single lifestyle....what is the best way to say this without them being put off but at the same time leveling with them early on?

I know I could just be like "Not looking for a long term traditional relationship blah blah blah" but sometimes a woman doesn't know what she wants until she's in it. In other words I've had women who were adamant about not dating a guy who wasn't exclusive to her but 6 months later she's still seeing me.

My problem is, I never deliver what I'm looking for tactfully enough. I either scare them away or I'm not convincing enough and they assume I'll come around down the road.

 

[Manure Spherian]

Why don’t you just state all stipulations up front?

You can say all the following.

“1. I’m not monogamous and you can’t make me.
2. Don’t treat what we have here as a traditional, monogamous relationship?
3. So don’t expect all that comes with it, including cutesy texts and acts of romance.
4. I’ve had a number of women say they’re fine with all this, only to hang around with the hope of me changing. I’m not changing. I’m never marrying. Don’t expect anything but fun and sex.

Is there a more upfront approach? Knowing women, you still might not be able to fight some off even if you say all this. Some might want to screw you even more.

 

[Stuffnu]

The tactful way is not to express autonomy.
It’s the first date, this crap comes later.

Yes, girls will usually try to screen with the “What are you looking for?”
if your responses are “Im not looking for any serious, fun only, etc. This is their version of a red flag”, unless she’s a loose goose.
OR
Im looking for marriage and white picket fences will come across as either deceitful or desperate. You’re engaging with there irrational mind instead of the emotional.
Hence, your statement of girls doesn’t know what they want until she’s in it.

Always feed there emotional by deflecting with humor. Use her interests as an example. I had one who was big on playing softball. I simply told her I was looking for a coach who can handle a bat and show me a few things. A little sexualized undertones but also shown that I was paying attention to the convo or her profile.

Give her enough tingles, she’ll make it easy on your independencies later.
If she‘s insistent on the traditional, then you’re not a good match, so move on to the next.

 

[halfguard]

The tactful way is not to express autonomy.
It’s the first date, this crap comes later.

Yes, girls will usually try to screen with the “What are you looking for?”
if your responses are “Im not looking for any serious, fun only, etc. This is their version of a red flag”, unless she’s a loose goose.
OR
Im looking for marriage and white picket fences will come across as either deceitful or desperate. You’re engaging with there irrational mind instead of the emotional.
Hence, your statement of girls doesn’t know what they want until she’s in it.

Always feed there emotional by deflecting with humor. Use her interests as an example. I had one who was big on playing softball. I simply told her I was looking for a coach who can handle a bat and show me a few things. A little sexualized undertones but also shown that I was paying attention to the convo or her profile.

Give her enough tingles, she’ll make it easy on your independencies later.
If she‘s insistent on the traditional, then you’re not a good match, so move on to the next.

You nailed it with the irrational mind. For some reason when it comes to the "what are you looking for?" question I use logic. I'm good at deflecting and joking and giving the tingles but never for that question. That's an easy fix and it was right in front of me the whole time. And if that doesn't work, then she's basically filtering herself out.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Just tell them you are open to anything with the right woman but you aren't looking to force anything either.

She never has to know there is no such thing as the right woman for a serious relationship or marriage for you.

Omitting details is not the same as lying. It's being tactful. Stop filling in all the details.

 

[Westminster]

Just tell them you are open to anything with the right woman but you aren't looking to force anything either.

She never has to know there is no such thing as the right woman for a serious relationship or marriage for you.

Omitting details is not the same as lying. It's being tactful. Stop filling in all the details.

This is the answer to the conundrum the OP is facing.

 

[ThisIsSparta]

Just tell them you are open to anything with the right woman but you aren't looking to force anything either.

She never has to know there is no such thing as the right woman for a serious relationship or marriage for you.

Omitting details is not the same as lying. It's being tactful. Stop filling in all the details.

@OP , do this.

Shutting up is the most tactful way.

Dont talk yourself out of pvssy.

Quality women will not have it, however tactful you tell them "just sex please".

Once you got her hooked, implement your frame (no good morning/night messages etc) and see if she is compliant.

If not, next.

 

[Manure Spherian]

Quality women

If all he wants is sex, does quality matter, so long as he is physically attracted? I keep reading about “high quality women” by men who want sex, not marriage or mother of one’s children. Why do men care about quality if that’s the case?

 

[halfguard]

If all he wants is sex, does quality matter, so long as he is physically attracted? I keep reading about “high quality women” by men who want sex, not marriage or mother of one’s children. Why do men care about quality if that’s the case?

Me personally, I don't just want sex. The way I date now is...dinners, consistent with 1 or 2 girls. The main one may go on a trip with me etc. I've found "high quality" women are more apt to this than the attractive needy train wreck.

Yes...some hq women won't stand for it. But some are attracted to the fact I'm not up their ass. These are the ones that seem to last and at some point they turn a corner and become possessive and needy but that's usually like 6 months down the road.

 

[halfguard]

@OP , do this.

Shutting up is the most tactful way.

Dont talk yourself out of pvssy.

Quality women will not have it, however tactful you tell them "just sex please".

Once you got her hooked, implement your frame (no good morning/night messages etc) and see if she is compliant.

If not, next.

This is the way.

 

[Manure Spherian]

Yes...some hq women won't stand for it. But some are attracted to the fact I'm not up their ass. These are the ones that seem to last and at some point they turn a corner and become possessive and needy but that's usually like 6 months down the road.

Considering this is the case, why not just keep doing what you’re doing? None of them are going to last anyway. You can just keep rotating.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

This is the way.

A woman always has to feel like she "has a chance " for what she wants with you. If you slam the door in her face with that, it won't be long before she leaves.

 

[halfguard]

A woman always has to feel like she "has a chance " for what she wants with you. If you slam the door in her face with that, it won't be long before she leaves.

Agreed but there is a fine line with leading them on just to end up dealing with drama months later. That's where my issue is. My buddies say i give too much hope and that's why they flip out down the road.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Agreed but there is a fine line with leading them on just to end up dealing with drama months later. That's where my issue is. My buddies say i give too much hope and that's why they flip out down the road.

That's where the skill in not actually promising anything but leaving things open ended comes in.

They will fill in the grey areas the way they want to see them.

When they press for something more, you simply say that you are happy with things the way they are right now, but over time things might change.

Then again, they might not.

 

[Mertz09]

Me personally, I don't just want sex. The way I date now is...dinners, consistent with 1 or 2 girls. The main one may go on a trip with me etc. I've found "high quality" women are more apt to this than the attractive needy train wreck.

Yes...some hq women won't stand for it. But some are attracted to the fact I'm not up their ass. These are the ones that seem to last and at some point they turn a corner and become possessive and needy but that's usually like 6 months down the road.

In my experience just because a woman says she is “High value” doesn’t necessarily make it so. Screen.

 

[ThisIsSparta]

If all he wants is sex, does quality matter, so long as he is physically attracted? I keep reading about “high quality women” by men who want sex, not marriage or mother of one’s children. Why do men care about quality if that’s the case?

Quality does matter, even if you are only looking for sex or rather a "plate" if i understood OP correctly. Most of us dont want them to be crazy, damaged, fat, golddiggers, with STDs or whatever might be a red flag.

While they dont need to be high quality, a certain level of quality is desirable, even if she is just going to be a plate.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Quality does matter, even if you are only looking for sex or rather a "plate" if i understood OP correctly. Most of us dont want them to be crazy, damaged, fat, golddiggers, with STDs or whatever might be a red flag.

While they dont need to be high quality, a certain level of quality is desirable, even if she is just going to be a plate.

Most guys are not even going to meet up with an ugly or fat chick to begin with unless they get played by a an old photo trick.

 

[henrymiller50]

Nothing wrong with answering the question "what are you looking for" with "Looking for someone to have fun with and enjoy each other's company. I'm not looking for a serious girlfriend right now." She will then decide if that's right for her.