Suggestions for this girl?

[Plutoman]

Apologies for being that guy who just pops onto a random forum, and gives a long post asking for advice. Hopefully you guys don't mind giving me a few pieces of advice here.

About me: 21 years old, studying CS at university.

Current situation: I met a girl in one of my classes, shy girl, probably an 8, 8.5 on society's scale, but a solid 10 in my book. Extremely intelligent, fun girl, bit quiet and reserved. Dated her a few times, she told me she was talking to somebody. I said no sweat, said let's be friends, moved on.

Later, she started hitting on me. I let her chase me, I'm still interested in her, and she gradually got more and more into it, and got a bit more direct. This is approximately ~2 months from meeting her initially. Got together with her last tuesday, had a fantastic time, ended with a movie and solid make-out session.

She distanced herself a bit, and then today, after hanging out for a while, I got a confession; she's talking to an ex-boyfriend, he's an ex as her family doesn't like him. I'm not all aware of the situation, but I'm ~95% sure it's also long distance. She said she still has a lot of feelings, and still talks with him regularly, and it doesn't feel right to her.

Is there anything here for me? She's solid relationship material - she meets pretty much every single one of my criteria (except possibly her family's political views, but I can slide on one or two things, she's got the science-oriented mindset, highly intelligent, very pretty, and has a great personality to match - finding 3 of those is easy, finding all 4 seems to be hell), so I'm a bit hesitant to just drop and walk away.

Is there anything to do here to give this a shot, or would it be advisable to just walk away and look for someone else? I'm not looking for a FWB-type thing, either. She definitely likes me; but the rest of this shut it down a bit. This happened just this past evening, I haven't spoken to her since. I also have classes 4 days a week with her, at least till the end of the semester.

Thanks for the read.

 

[cordoncordon]

Well, I am sure she likes you, to what extent is hard to gauge right now. I am also sure she is still in the midst of wanting what she can't have....her ex, and that turns her on. Same as when you pull away from her, she comes running to you. Very classic case of that as we see it with you AND the ex. Use this an an example guys, never be over bearing or give a girl "too much". See how when you do show her affection and interest, she pulls away? This girl is confused. Imo she knows deep down she can't be with the ex, won't be with the ex, will never be with the ex, but that doesn't stop her from holding onto the thought of the ex.

Until she snaps out of this funk and realizes what she could lose, in real life, right here in front of her, nothing will change.

So, this is my suggestion. Tell her you are interested in dating her right now, but you are aware she is not over the ex and that it is not your style to play second fiddle to anyone. So tell her to do what she has to do with him, either get with him or get over him, and in the meantime you are going to move on. Tell her if by chance she ever does decide she is over the ex and wants to pursue something with you, to let you know and you will see where things are in your life and if that could be a possibility. Under no circumstances are you to tell her that "she is the one, or special, or you will be waiting for her". If you see her around in class or wherever, say hi with a smile on your face and keep moving. Do not stop and give her the satisfaction of talking to her just to talk. Go ghost and disappear.

Tell her what I said and my guess is she will be blowing up your phone within a week.

Good luck.

 

[Plutoman]

Hey, thanks for the advice here. I'm glad to get a bit of reinforcement on my gut feeling, I got out of a long relationship fairly recently (2.5 years), so my level of experience is fairly low in this kind of game. I've got that impression - from when she made her confession, she seemed hesitant to say it - not hesitant in the manner of which she didn't want to hurt my feelings, but hesitant in that she wasn't sure whether she wanted to go that route.

She also pointed out, relatively awkwardly, that I probably hadn't had to chase girls nearly as much as I have with her (I started chasing a bit, but played it back and forth, letting her chase me at times). I'm not of the opinion that I chased her all that much, either, but I'm thinking she has the thought that I may be too good for her (she underestimates herself). I have a fair amount of great-looking female friends she has seen me around campus with which could contribute to this impression.

I'm typically fairly good at reading people, but it can also be hard to be completely objective in situations like this.

I've done everything but this right here;

So tell her to do what she has to do with him, either get with him or get over him, and in the meantime you are going to move on. Tell her if by chance she ever does decide she is over the ex and wants to pursue something with you, to let you know and you will see where things are in your life and if that could be a possibility.

In fact, I probably gave the opposite impression - that I wouldn't be likely to give her a chance. Mistake on my part, as I would give her a chance presuming the situation still worked.

Any suggestions towards correcting that? If there's any other information that would make it easier to glean the situation, please let me know. Thanks again.

 

[cordoncordon]

Hey, thanks for the advice here. I'm glad to get a bit of reinforcement on my gut feeling, I got out of a long relationship fairly recently (2.5 years), so my level of experience is fairly low in this kind of game. I've got that impression - from when she made her confession, she seemed hesitant to say it - not hesitant in the manner of which she didn't want to hurt my feelings, but hesitant in that she wasn't sure whether she wanted to go that route.

She also pointed out, relatively awkwardly, that I probably hadn't had to chase girls nearly as much as I have with her (I started chasing a bit, but played it back and forth, letting her chase me at times). I'm not of the opinion that I chased her all that much, either, but I'm thinking she has the thought that I may be too good for her (she underestimates herself). I have a fair amount of great-looking female friends she has seen me around campus with which could contribute to this impression.

I'm typically fairly good at reading people, but it can also be hard to be completely objective in situations like this.

I've done everything but this right here;



In fact, I probably gave the opposite impression - that I wouldn't be likely to give her a chance. Mistake on my part, as I would give her a chance presuming the situation still worked.

Any suggestions towards correcting that? If there's any other information that would make it easier to glean the situation, please let me know. Thanks again.

Well if you have given her the impression that you wouldn't give her a chance, I am not sure how you expect her to want to date you???

I would still go with the same strategy. Tell her you are interested in dating, but you don't want to play 2nd string to the ex. So if she ever gets over him, let you know and you can go from there. If you want to do damage control about why you were giving her the impression you didn't want to date seriously, just tell her you knew the ex was still in the picture and you didn't want to stomp on any toes. Win/win with that.

 

[Plutoman]

Well if you have given her the impression that you wouldn't give her a chance, I am not sure how you expect her to want to date you???

I would still go with the same strategy. Tell her you are interested in dating, but you don't want to play 2nd string to the ex. So if she ever gets over him, let you know and you can go from there. If you want to do damage control about why you were giving her the impression you didn't want to date seriously, just tell her you knew the ex was still in the picture and you didn't want to stomp on any toes. Win/win with that.

It comes down to I wasn't sure how to react at the time, and went with 'over-confident' instead of the opposite. I was caught by surprise at the time. To be more specific, when she confessed about her ex situation, I gave the impression that I was serious and interested in her, but that I would be unlikely to give her another chance later. As I said, a mistake on my part; I just didn't know what to say. Sorry, I was a bit misleading - that comment was only with regards to this specific instance.

So the question being; is it going to hurt to just bring it up to her today, give her the quick bit that you've said, and then ghost it from then on and see how it turns out?

Heh, a bit of a dumb question. It can't hurt the situation. But would that be the best route of action? Would it be better to wait and say it in person, or the sooner, the better, in terms of damage control? My gut says sooner the better, and yes, to do it, but a second opinion's always good.

 

[cordoncordon]

NO, don't make a point of bringing it up. In fact don't bring it up at all until she contacts you. I know this is going to go against ever fiber of your being, to resist this urge to talk, but that is what you must do.

So go ghost, and after she contacts you or whatever and wants to hang out, tell her what I said. But do not email or call or text her this out of the blue. Will make you look weird.

 

[Plutoman]

I'm fairly good with self-control as long as I have a general idea of what I'm doing, so that should be fine to do. In other words, to be clear, let her approach me, and then at a reasonable opportunity, bring up that I am still interested in her, and when she gets over her ex, to let me know and we can see where things lie.

The most difficult part will be that I sit next to her in a class 3 times a week, but I believe I can manage this.

Thanks for the help here.

 

[Kbomb]

Well, I am sure she likes you, to what extent is hard to gauge right now. I am also sure she is still in the midst of wanting what she can't have....her ex, and that turns her on. Same as when you pull away from her, she comes running to you. Very classic case of that as we see it with you AND the ex. Use this an an example guys, never be over bearing or give a girl "too much". See how when you do show her affection and interest, she pulls away? This girl is confused. Imo she knows deep down she can't be with the ex, won't be with the ex, will never be with the ex, but that doesn't stop her from holding onto the thought of the ex.

Until she snaps out of this funk and realizes what she could lose, in real life, right here in front of her, nothing will change.

So, this is my suggestion. Tell her you are interested in dating her right now, but you are aware she is not over the ex and that it is not your style to play second fiddle to anyone. So tell her to do what she has to do with him, either get with him or get over him, and in the meantime you are going to move on. Tell her if by chance she ever does decide she is over the ex and wants to pursue something with you, to let you know and you will see where things are in your life and if that could be a possibility. Under no circumstances are you to tell her that "she is the one, or special, or you will be waiting for her". If you see her around in class or wherever, say hi with a smile on your face and keep moving. Do not stop and give her the satisfaction of talking to her just to talk. Go ghost and disappear.

Tell her what I said and my guess is she will be blowing up your phone within a week.

Good luck.

while i get where your coming from, having strong boundaries and all, this to me comes off as too try hard. It shouldnt really matter to him what she does.

She is asking you to step up your game, no more no less. When she was telling you about her ex she was basically asking you to take control and make it happen. No more waffling. It was the green light. You just have to play it cool and up your game. She basically is unsure because you are making her unsure. Make her be sure.

 

[Plutoman]

She is asking you to step up your game, no more no less. When she was telling you about her ex she was basically asking you to take control and make it happen. No more waffling. It was the green light. You just have to play it cool and up your game. She basically is unsure because you are making her unsure. Make her be sure.

While I get where that may have come into play when she spoke of it, I'm not sure I get what you mean with regards to after the case? Playing it cool is exactly what cordoncordon suggests, and I'm not sure of how you mean to make her be sure.

 

[cordoncordon]

while i get where your coming from, having strong boundaries and all, this to me comes off as too try hard. It shouldnt really matter to him what she does.

She is asking you to step up your game, no more no less. When she was telling you about her ex she was basically asking you to take control and make it happen. No more waffling. It was the green light. You just have to play it cool and up your game. She basically is unsure because you are making her unsure. Make her be sure.

Well, I wrote that before I knew that OP was in fact giving the girl the impression that he may be unattainable. After I found that out, I urged him to be a little more aggressive in telling her his feels, but NOT UNTIL SHE BRINGS IT UP FIRST.

 

[Plutoman]

I appreciate the help.

I'll see how everything goes over the next week or two. Cross my fingers for a bit of luck on my side. Worst-case, there's plenty of other women. Hopefully I won't have to slide my criteria around too much.

 

[marmel75]

Just smile at her and say "Its cool <name>....I'm not the jealous type...." then try and go get what you want.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

First off::crackup:

That's in response to the majority of responses on here, especially the ones on here advising you to persue this girl when she currently has low-to-know interest in you.

Think about this reeeeeeeeally carefully: would a girl who wants you bring up another guy? Would a girl who's just DYING to be with you tell you about how she's still not over her ex-boyfriend? Would a girl who wants to be around you suddenly keep her distance?

No, no, and NOOOO!

Learn to see women's doublespeak for what it is: LOW INTEREST. Just because she showed interest initially doesn't mean it's still there. And when it leaves, you need to be able to set your ego aside, realize the situation for what it is, and move on without taking it personally.

 

[Plutoman]

In 99% of cases I'd agree with you; in this case, however, it's not been just initial interest, and it's extraordinarily obvious that she likes me. Confusion is a good term for it - she's uncertain of what she wants (afraid of change, most likely). She was reluctant to bring up the other guy (and not because of trying to avoid hurting me). The situation would be much easier if he was an ex for any one of the normal reasons; the fact that he's an ex because her family disapproved just means she wants to jump back to him more (the forbidden fruit, eh?). There's interest, it's just not a high enough interest to overcome that at this moment. If my guess is correct, this break-up happened at the very end of the summer, and they still correspond, probably at least every day. 'Tis a lot of momentum to overcome.

That said, if it comes down to it, I'm fine with moving on. I've got no qualms with that beyond how annoying it is to find someone that meets my personal criteria. It takes significantly more active work in engaging a social circle, approaching, in other words, it takes a heck of a lot of a time investment to meet, screen, and date other girls, and it's a time investment I'd like to avoid if at all possible (I've not stopped, and I wouldn't until she goes for the exclusive card, but I'll be bringing bringing it up a notch anyways, I'm not going to wait on hopes).

I'm keeping it cool; not much time's passed yet, anyways. Just going to play it cool, and she'll either realize what she's missing here, or she'll run off to a relationship that won't work (if it would work, it would have already for her..). There's some good advice here, it confirmed some of my thoughts and re-framed others.

 

[Plutoman]

Classes were awkward; any specific suggestions for a class in which we sit next to each other, and we go the same direction after class? She tried to make small chat with me, I kinda blew her off (ie, she asks about my weekend, I tell her I had a good weekend, didn't say anything more). Tried to keep it light, kept a smile on my face, in a good mood today so it wasn't hard. She walked next to me, I just kind of forged my path towards where I was heading and she came with me. When I got there, I just said I'll see you later, and she kept on walking.

Any suggestions for this in particular? How should I handle this? Keep the small talk to the bare minimum, I'm presuming? Not really sure. If I had the goal of just being friends I'd talk to her as one, be friendly, chat, etc, without the physicality I had going before. But if I'm wanting to go ghost, I'm not really sure how to treat it when I'll sit next to her 3x a week.

 

[Plutoman]

Lab today; she looked at me a lot. She avoided eye contact generally though when I caught her. The few times she didn't she gave a half-smile and then looked away. I kept at least a small smile on my face the whole time.

Learning experience here - what does this mean?

She was my buddy for finishing labs. This is annoying, it's much easier to finish them with another person. The temptation's there to tease her over not being able to stop looking at me, though.

 

[Plutoman]

Coming back to this in retrospect to say Harry's got the best input on the situation after I've seen some time go by.

NC somewhat worked, and I pulled everything off pretty well.. but I think I fell to what's described here -> http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=134995 I doubt she actively pulled that test, but I have a feeling that's where the problem lay - I could have been much more dominant when I got her in her bed, for example. Being with me, but comments like 'let's take it slow..' that I should've pushed past with some more effort instead of giving up the moment she says it.

She's got some hot roommates/other friends though, so I'll keep some contact going. I learned a lesson, got a hook-up, can't call it a loss.