Stood Up... Mad as all hell... What went wrong?

[mag2222]

I thought I had pulled the greatest slump recovery of all time. Went from not dating for monthes to getting the phone, aim, and a 1st date under my belt with this cute new girl at work (7-8). She seemed to enjoy being around me... A mutual acquantence kept informing me that she "couldn't wait to see [me] again" and that she was "excited" for our second date.

I go to pick her up at the end of her shift as we had arranged and she wasn't there! No phone call, no IM, no nothing! I called her voice mail and asked what the hell was going on. Our mutual acquantance (who knows her better and for longer than I) was pissed that she flaked on me and he called shortly after (though I kept insisiting that he shouldn't.

When he called some guy answers who apparently she knows from another job.

I drove home so pissed off I thought for sure I was going to get a speeding ticket.


The next time I see her or talk to her I plan on telling her off and saying that if I am still around when she grows up a little, she should take ME out....

Is this the right thing to do? Is there any chance once stood up? I figure everything is an oppurtunity...

damn I am pissed

-mag

 

[Porky]

This has happened with me a couple of times, once with a friend and once with a girl I wad dating.

With both of them I sent a brief, but detailed e-mailsaying several things.

1) I always call/arrive when I say I'll call/arrive.
2) I respect the time of other people and I expect that my time won't be waisted.
3) She missed one hell of a time.

Keep the e-mail light, and make sure she knows you're angry but also make sure that she doesn't feel like she's being attacked or defended.

This is one that Fingers sent to some girl (Thanks Fingz!). It should give you the idea. Sorry for the formatting

Dear (Name),

Ohhhhhhhh, I understand your logic now.

"Let me call you back" = "I will completely flake on you and not
call or write or leave messages."

Well my dear, I don't know how successful this approach has been for you
in the past, but I certainly don't put up with this sort of behavior,
ever. So until you get your act together and dream up a creative way to
make it up to me, you can kiss this opportunity goodbye!

In the name of fairness, I will give you the benefit of the doubt here.
Perhaps you were sick all weekend, or your computer bursted into flames
or maybe, just maybe you finally gave in to your wild cravings and ran
off to tour the sun drenched coasts of Italy. Whatever the
case may be, at least you know where I stand on the issue of flakiness.
And you have to appreciate that because it is rare to encounter someone
who places such a high value not only on their time, but also on
complete honesty. Hell, it's not easy being this direct. It has cost me
some friendships along the way and some people truly hate me for it!
Fortunately, they are the sort of element I would not want in my life to
begin with, so I guess it all works out in the end.

Ultimately (Nameless w.hore), it's a shame because I believe you and I would have had
a great time vibing, laughing and getting to know each other...but then
again, perhaps you are not as open-minded and adventurous as I had
originally thought.

oh well



What kind of success did I have with this? The girl I was dating called me literally one minute after she got it telling me what a horrible person she is and how we needed to reschedule (I ruined it later that week). My friend sent me an e-mail back begging for my forgiveness.

 

[Don of Truth]

Hard pill to swallow

l know how you feel. The seething anger that can grow is soooooo unbelievable.
BUT...look at it this way. Here is your chance to do something different then you might be used to doing.

Next time you see her just go ahead and greet her with a "Hi, xxxx". Don't worry if she doesn't answer or what not.
Go ahead and be open to discussing work related issues and be sure not to show anger.
When you get angry it is a dead give away that you care.
NOW...you can show her dissatisfaction. If she attempts to chat you up find an appropriate moment to just say something like:
"Look, I'm not one to hold grudges or anything so I will talk to you about work related stuff but that's as far as it goes right now because you where very disrespectful by not at least giving me a heads up that you wanted to change plans. I could have been out doing something else with my time."

Say it in a direct manner and be sure to look straight into her eyes.

Well, that's my take on it. Let us know what happens.

 

[Porky]

I think he should yell at her if he isn't going to send her the email.

If she stood you up, why do you even want to spend time with her if she can't give you an excuse? That's fvcking disrespectful. By not showing anger you're just letting her get away with treating you like dirt.

 

[drmeathead]

If you like her, give her a day or two to apologize on her own. Maybe something happened. I had a girl stand me up. She fought with her roommate that night and ended up moving out. I still had to ask her what happened but I waited till a gew days later to ask. I got an apology. She stood me up the next time too. I havent seen her since.

 

[mag2222]

...Thanks so far.

Thanks for your advice so far. I really did like this gal, even beyond the physical, I'm not sure that's always appreciated here ... I don't have her e-maill.. so that is a no go... And I really would like to do whatever I do in person... Just seems more direct and no-bull...


I like Don of Truth's method I think. Though I was leaning towards just tellign her off the next time I see her, I think this could get icky with work n'all...

Everyone loves me at work... They always remark on how smart and funny and interesting I am and how I am a good guy all around. Is it best, Don of Truth, to use this with your method and let her stew in it when it gets around what a douche she was? Or is this letting other people do the work of bulding up my image.

drmeathead: Unfortunatly I know that this wasn't the case. She lied to my boss and said she had a stomache ache and had to skip work and therefore wasn't there when I went to pick her up. He was almost as pissed as I was and he called her right after I did and it turned out that she was out with another guy who I managed to summize has had more time than I have to build interest. (still no ecuse)....

This is another thing that pissed me off. Sick grandmother, sick DOG even, I could understand breaking a date. Don't let me know... not good at all... Go out with another guy AND don't let me know you are canceling!?


---

I can get over this chick w/o a problem. However, if there is anyway to use this event to my advantage, I would like too. In a sense I already have. It will take a LOT for this girl to mean anything more to me than a conquest.

-mag

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Whatever you do don't call her! If she leaves a message on your phone don't return it until she leaves at least two messages - then call!

 

[Cremasta]

Why bother getting angry about it? The only one who will get upset is you!

You should be above that. Do not refer to the night that she stood you up ever again. Just be friendly with her at work and go on as normal. If she mentions it, just look at her as if you are trying to remember what she is talking about, then say "Oh yeah... what about it?"

If you want to set up another meeting with her, don't rely on her being there. Organise a night out with your buddies and tell her where to be if she wants to catch up with you.

She had her chance and she messed it up. Plenty more fish in the mud...

 

[Tails]

Originally posted by drmeathead
If you like her, give her a day or two to apologize on her own. Maybe something happened. I had a girl stand me up. She fought with her roommate that night and ended up moving out. I still had to ask her what happened but I waited till a gew days later to ask. I got an apology. She stood me up the next time too. I havent seen her since.

haha, another victim of the female evilness. poor bastard. that's why i do it to them. NOW who's laughing b|tch?

 

[Don of Truth]

Originally posted by mag2222
I can get over this chick w/o a problem. However, if there is anyway to use this event to my advantage, I would like too. In a sense I already have. It will take a LOT for this girl to mean anything more to me than a conquest.

I think the advantage here would be to show her even more what a great quality man you are. And what she is missing. Even if she really isn't interested then it does you no harm to still come across as a quality man. Now? How to go about doing that.

First, would be to control your anger. Save it for another time when you are in a fight or something. So the question is ...can you get the same EFFECT that you would by showing anger.... another way ? A way where you don't show anger but other emotions ? Possibly dissatisfaction ? How about disgust ? Or dislike ? Displeasure ? You get the idea. Other ways around anger that have the same effect.

Is it best, Don of Truth, to use this with your method and let her stew in it when it gets around what a douche she was? Or is this letting other people do the work of bulding up my image

Who knows if she is even stewing? She may actually think she has done nothing wrong. That's people for ya.

I find Cremasta's answer interesting but it begs the question "If there are no consequences or punishment for her actions (her disrespect) then aren't I really showing her that she can walk all over me ? Where are the boundaries?

SO, now that we know we want to throw some form of punishment at her but it isn't going to be anger ...then what can we do ??? I suppose you could take away YOUR ATTENTION.
If she likes you then it has value...if she doesn't really like you then it won't matter and you can relegate her back to "aquaintance" status.

So next time you see her at work...go ahead...say hi. Be cordial.
(don't let her affect your manners). Act as if she never dissed you..with ONE major exception. For now.....do not initiate any conversations with her about issues outside of work. All communication will be centered around work. Now, this doesn't mean you can't be witty or fun when talking about work.

Everyone loves me at work... They always remark on how smart and funny and interesting I am and how I am a good guy all around.

This is so much more important then any girl. Your rep and image are gold. So treat everyone as you have before. Don't let anything affect that. In fact....INCREASE your attention to others while at the same time DECREASING your attention to her.

NOW, if she tries to initiate conversation with you that is personal go ahead and let her talk. Maybe answer a quesiton or two. Be cool. It's not time to put her in her place yet. Do it the second time she tries to chat you up...when she thinks everything is "ok". Haha...keep her off-guard.

Then just pull her aside and tell her what I wrote in the previous post. Then say something like "When you are ready to discuss your punishment, we can REALLY talk then". Haha.

Keep us informed.

 

[Mazman]

I really don't get some of you guys.

If a girl stands you up with no reasonable explanation, why do you still want to go out with her?

 

[Don of Truth]

Good question! Too bad I'm not going to answer it ! hahaha

Ok, seriously. I just want to help the poor girl. She OBVIOUSLY needs some help and a good stern talking to or else she wouldn't have stood me up !

 

[Jimbo2k]

Mag, I think you need to look at WHY she stood you up.

Were you being an AFC? If so, you cant get mad at her, its your fault.
However, if you can honestly say you were challenging (DJ-like) and she still did, then you should refer to everyone's advice and ***** at her a bit and maybe NEXT her...

 

[mag2222]

Mazman

Mazman:

I'm not sure... maybe one of those things that happens on a biological level

Seriously though... Most women are flakey... I thought the goal was getting them not to be flakey with "us". I obviously didn't do good nuf a job at that so far!

Furthermore, I beleive that almost every bad event can be an oppurtunity. Lose money when your stock goes down? If you still believe in it in the long run, BUY MORE! Your the coach of a baseball team that gets smacked down. Use the loss to rile them up and pep them up for their next game.

She's only 19... she might not be too set in her ways just yet.

I think there is SOME way of reacting (like those already suggested here) that might allow me to take 2 steps forward for this one step back.

---
Update,
18 hours after scheduled date, no phone call. Though I did get an "unknown" caller on my cell while I was in the bathroom... But I think it only rang once.

She's been online for a couple hours today... I set myself "away" with a message about the all of the things I have to do.

----

Would it be a good idea to do a little prowling and find out what I am up against? I found out where the guy she went out ith instead of me works... Or I could just go stab his eyes out...

---

-mag

 

[Mazman]

I understand what you're saying. It's just not how I would approach the situation.

There are plenty of women out there, why should I waste time on one who obviously has no interest in going out with me.

 

[Don Juanabbe]

Originally posted by Cremasta
Why bother getting angry about it? The only one who will get upset is you!

You should be above that. Do not refer to the night that she stood you up ever again. Just be friendly with her at work and go on as normal. If she mentions it, just look at her as if you are trying to remember what she is talking about, then say "Oh yeah... what about it?"

If you want to set up another meeting with her, don't rely on her being there. Organise a night out with your buddies and tell her where to be if she wants to catch up with you.

She had her chance and she messed it up. Plenty more fish in the mud...

I've done this and it works like a charm. I just act all normal and friendly like usual, like nothing at all happened. You can tell it drives them nuts.......

Oh yeah, and I don't let up on that either. There's one who did this to me who also recently became an acquaintance with my circle of friends......I know for a fact a couple of my friends have discussed what a great guy I am, and I still play that one complete, by being all nice and pleasant to her, and not letting on for an instance that it bugs me.

See, these women who behave like this, some of them pay in the end, because she now has to feel like a complete ass about her treatment of me, while trying to mingle with my crowd, and I just KEEP TAKING THE HIGH ROAD, and don't act angry or anything - I just keep chuggin along like a steam train - and it drives her absolutely nuts because I know there's still some sort of attraction there and she knows she's missed out.

and you know what? Thanks to this site, this ***** will NEVER, EVER, get a second chance with me after flaking like that, mark my words. I've moved on to other opportunities.

I may not be anywhere near DJ status yet, but if I've learned one thing reading this site, no woman's gonna walk all over me, nor get the satisfaction of getting a rise out of me.

 

[TooColdUlrick]

Originally posted by Mazman
I really don't get some of you guys.

If a girl stands you up with no reasonable explanation, why do you still want to go out with her?

yep! she took it upon herself to waste your time and efforts. it's more than a slap in the face, bro. didn't even have the common courtesy to call you.

it's likely that she didn't want to meet with you in the first place, but also didn't want to say "no thanks" to your offer ("date") because she's a chicken sh!t.

so, stand you up, and hope---HOPE---you get the message.

and now you're strategizing on what to do about a chick that has no interest in you. here's what you do...

when you see her simply tell her this,

"i don't appreciate being stood up like that. you burned a friday night of mine" (or whatever).

and walk away. drop it. no drawn out emails or other BS that will make her feel guilty about it (like senor fingers' email). those emails tend to work because chicks are "rescheduling" so as to eliminate the guilt of blowing you out in the first place. this is even a bigger waste of time!

 

[TooColdUlrick]

Originally posted by PuertoRican_Lover
Whatever you do don't call her! If she leaves a message on your phone don't return it until she leaves at least two messages - then call!

and do what PRL says, just to hedge your bet on the issue. there's a small chance that she's interested in you. it's now in her court to "prove" it.

 

[drmeathead]

if she skipped out on you with another dude that was her choice. dont get yourself in a jam by fighting the other guy. women make the choice.

it is often easier to let your anger for the woman out on the dude. maybe the guy deserves it as he didnt respect you and what you "had". bottom line is that the woman makes the choice. if she has a high IL toward you then she doesnt go with him. a girl that doesnt think enough of you to show up for a date hasnt EARNED you fighting for her.

i wouldnt call her again. she chose that other guy over you. sorry to be blunt but we are all here to help each other. i am just trying to help you save dignity. you dont want to be the the talk of the water cooler.

 

[Surfboard]

So you want revenge?

Well, the best way to get revenge on any woman that disrespects you is to let her see you flirting with other women.

This drives them up the wall!!