Still in touch with an Ex

[lightsflash007]

Hey guys,

Let me jump right to it. Met this girl last September at a party and immediately felt chemistry there. Got in touch a week later, and went on a couple dates. At the time, she was still in a relationship of 2 years (but wasn't happy with it at all and was considering ending it), with awkwardly enough, her CEO. Went on a couple more dates and it was final, she broke up with him to be with me. This made me feel relieved, but here's the kicker....she still works with him!! And they are apparently very good friends.

Flash forward to 6 months in our relationship, and things are still going well. Couple arguments here and there, but still in love with one another. A month ago, when i was with her, she picked up the phone from her ex and got super giddy/laughing loud like i've never seen her before, and started shooting the **** for 5-10 minutes....right next to me! This made me feel incredibly uncomfortable, even if it was slightly business related. Her motive was to show me that there clearly isn't anything there, and it's platonic. So we had a bit of a fallout about this shortly after, and i told her if she'd consider not talking to him because he is an ex for a reason. She said no, not willing to do that for me because they are very good friends. To the point where he's on her life insurance!

So here's the situation...she still speaks/texts with her ex to this day, but has limited her involvement with the company. She told me that even if she wasn't working with him anymore, she would STILL be friends with him. I see this as being very disrespectful, and if she can't make a sacrifice, how can i?

This is my first relationship, so i'm stil having a hard time dealing with this. I CANNOT get over the fact that she still speaks to the guy, gets drinks with who she was romantic with, WHILE she's with me. I feel like a chump. What i'm thinking of doing is this...I need to flat out tell her that she can't have her cake and eat it too, can't win both sides. She needs to pick. In the back of my mind, i'm scared to do this because she might choose him (60/40) as she mentioned previously.

I desperately need advice!

 

[thomz_amadeus]

If you show any kind of anxiety regarding her ex, she will implicitly understands that you place him above yourself - you'll lose your value in a second.

You should not care. You are a giant. He is a dwarf. Let her go on a date with him. WHO CARES?

If she doesn't come back, you'll get rid of a **** using you as a rebound. If she does come back, you'll impress her. She'll see what you're made of. She'll respect you, because she will feel how strong you are.

And finally, you don't ask for respect. You earn it.

Of course, inviting one of your ex on a date doesn't harm neither. Make her feel. She'll love you more.

You think too much brother.

 

[lightsflash007]

@thom I agree with everything you're saying, but it's incredibly difficult for me. She knows that i'm not okay with it, and now she'll be walking on more eggshells around me.

When she told me that 'even if i leave the company, i'll still be friends with him'. ....there's no winning here. She'll still be talking to her ex, going out for the occasional drink, texting, etc. I don't think she's a bad person or will do anything that will hurt me...but my imagination wanders. There should be NO REASON to continue speaking with your ex...no reason in my opinion, and disrespectful. But i have a feeling she'll pick him over me, just because they've known each other longer than myself.

I got a piece of advice from my friend saying find a female friend to create a bit more competition, and let her win for me a bit. Taking pictures/text with a girl would make her uneasy, and in the end, make her value more. I'm not a total fan of this because there could be severe blowback, also i don't like playing games...but this is another option maybe?

My only fear, like i said previously is...this is my first relationship, and i fear that i won't be able to find any that is as cool/understanding as she is. Everyone says that 'you will, trust me'...but it's scary.

 

[thomz_amadeus]

She's saying so only to challenge you.

She's only testing you. But she isn't loving you. A woman in love would never say such a thing.

She wants to make you walk, and you run.

You're a dead man walking my friend.

 

[thomz_amadeus]

And if 'you agree, but it's incredibly difficult'... Yes, being a man is incredibly difficult.

You'll lose this woman. And many others.

In the end, the scars will do the man.

But now, limit the damage and work on yourself. Not on your relationshio, ON YOURSELF.

 

[lightsflash007]

What do you propose that i do? I've been ignoring her via text, so she knows something is up.

 

[thomz_amadeus]

I propose you stop acting like a little girl - ignoring SMS and crap - and start acting like a MAN.

Your girl doesn't want a little girl, she wants a MAN.

 

[ZenoB]

What do you propose that i do? I've been ignoring her via text, so she knows something is up.

DUMP her. Give her what she wants.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Lights flashing,
London to a brick she is regularly having it off with him....two options,give her up,she will never give the Boss up,or see her as a plate....many Women do it with their Boss,far more than will admit to it...becoming an exceedingly dangerous pastime for bosses over here....You have been used,like most Women in this situation,she fantasizes that she can lure the Guy away from his Family,tries creating jealousy,with another bloke...Her contemptuous behaviour on the mobile phone beggars belief,she would have been walking home if it were me,that is of course if I hadn't pushed her off the Ferris Wheel first,LOL.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

I disagree with Thomz - she is constantly putting herself in a situation where she has him to fall back on, in case things don't work out with you, even if she's not consciously aware of it. It's a defense mechanism that females have. If you don't believe me, check out this bit from Chris Rock:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zywIR_ZFLts

Imagine if YOU had a platonic friend? How would she feel?

It's blatantly disrespectful to you, so even if she's not cheating it's something that you are not cool with. She doesn't need him as a friend.

 

[lightsflash007]

I dont think that's what she wants, otherwise she would still be with him. We both like each other, but she's not willing to give up her ex as a friend.

Thomz, first you said don't care about it, then you're saying she's testing me and i'm a dead man walking. Where do you stand?

 

[ThunderMaverick]

You don't have to be with someone to fu*k them, or want to f*ck them. It could just happen. ANY WOMAN can be taken, given the right place, time, and emotional circumstance. She shouldn't be putting herself in a position where that could happen. She's doing it, all smiles.

 

[Delly2000]

Hey boss,

In my opinion I think it is a red flag. I mean even if it is a strictly platonic relationship I dont think I would be cool with it. She should be so adored with you that this guy is suppose to fade to black.

And what is with her talking to this guy on the phone for 10 minutes while you are right there?!!

She isn't doing what needs to be done to make this relationship work. Cut her loose and let her be with the CEO.

My take is that she is seeing u and him. Sorry boss. Just my opinion.

Actions not words my friend. Trust your gut. What she doing isn't right.

Forget what those other guys are saying man. This bothers you so dont put up with it. Plenty of girls out there that will play fair. Take this one as practice...learn from it.

 

[typical]

SHE WILL NEVER EVER CHOOSE YOU OVER HIM !!!!!

Get that one line into your head, he is a CEO of a company and likely earning mega bucks, you are a "goodtime". She is killing time waiting for her "Mr Rite" to sweep her off her feet.

Ditch this Bit(h and find a better woman, she will turn your life into hell while she spends time with her "Boss" and tries to capture him again. Why did you ever get into a relationship with a woman who is clearly not meant to be in a relationship in the first place ???

Too many redflags no point making it work out. I am a firm believer of not having to go to great lengths to make a relationship work, the man in these types of relationships does all of the work while the woman does nothing but create problems drama and whine. Cut your losses and leave.

 

[Lexington]

Even if she sees him as a platonic friend (and at a subconscious level at least, she doesn't), he certainly doesn't see her as purely platonic. At the very least, she is using this guy as an insurance policy. That guy is probably keeping her around for the possibility of some tail.

They had a romantic relationship before. So obviously the attraction and the sexual tension is there. It could reignite at any time. All it would take is a moment of weakness. It's one thing to maintain cordial relations with an ex but the way you describe it, she still has quite a close relationship with this guy.

I'm afraid the prognosis doesn't look good, my friend. I know it sucks, but this girl is pretty demonstrating an unwillingness to commit to you. Try to put your emotions aside and analyze the situation objectively. Like typical pointed out, there are lots of red flags.

If she thought you were really a prize and she wasn't just settling, why would she do something that could jeopardize the situation? Regularly socializing with an ex, especially a CEO, is playing with fire. It is also highly disrespectful to you.

I'd suggest that you tell her that you can't accept this. Give her your reasons as to why you are justifiably unhappy with that situation. Give her a day or two to think about it. If she agrees, then great. If she doesn't, walk away and be glad knowing that you got out of a doomed relationship now rather than later.

 

[thomz_amadeus]

Nobody here can judge the relationship. But Scaramouche has a point, you should investigate.

Girls who're just out of a relationship use to behave extremely selfish with their next guy. They're just not ready to love. Usually they'll use you only to rebuild their self-esteem.

I stand nowhere mate. I don't know none of you guys.

I'm just sayin, be a man.

I'm also sayin', you're young, she's your first serious one, she has issues and you have insecurities? End is close.

Protect yourself.

Be a man.

 

[TheManOfSteel]

Dump her. You've let your feelings be known, albeit not in the best way that have made you look jealous of him. I say start ignoring her. She will either A.) come back to you. B.) Go back to him. Either way time to be the man and not allow her to be disrespectful to you anymore.

 

[Bible_Belt]

shelf theory

If men have "plate theory," women have shelf theory. It's very similar, except where a man tries to have sex with all of his plates, a woman does not need or want to have sex simultaneously with all of the men on her shelf, therefore they can be labeled as "friends." Women soon learn that many men will keep giving them attention, despite getting nothing physical out of them at the moment, and these men go on the shelf. They are available in the future for a relationship if she chooses; a shelf of men is insurance against loneliness.

I don't even think that being on a woman's shelf necessarily makes a man an afc. It depends on the level of effort and attention he gives her to get nothing in return. A woman viewing you as a potential mate can only be a compliment, but that alone is not worth much of your time.

To the OP, you can end it now, either immediately or by turning jealous and letting her lose interest in you. Or you can fight fire with fire and put together your own shelf of women. Don't you have exes? Female friends? Your current relationship has an imbalance of power right now, because she has options and you don't. Increase your options.

 

[oneboy21]

If men have "plate theory," women have shelf theory. It's very similar, except where a man tries to have sex with all of his plates, a woman does not need or want to have sex simultaneously with all of the men on her shelf, therefore they can be labeled as "friends." Women soon learn that many men will keep giving them attention, despite getting nothing physical out of them at the moment, and these men go on the shelf. They are available in the future for a relationship if she chooses; a shelf of men is insurance against loneliness.

I don't even think that being on a woman's shelf necessarily makes a man an afc. It depends on the level of effort and attention he gives her to get nothing in return. A woman viewing you as a potential mate can only be a compliment, but that alone is not worth much of your time.

To the OP, you can end it now, either immediately or by turning jealous and letting her lose interest in you. Or you can fight fire with fire and put together your own shelf of women. Don't you have exes? Female friends? Your current relationship has an imbalance of power right now, because she has options and you don't. Increase your options.

Bible belt said it! :rockon:

 

[lightsflash007]

UPDATE: I called her yesterday afternoon, and told her how i felt and that i won't deal with it anymore. I definitely lead the conversation, and gave her examples such as..."you wouldn't like me chatting with my female friends, infront of you, and imagine if there was a sexual history there"

She didn't like that because it made her look like a hypocrite. She was sad about it, and said that we could talk about it later. Didn't get a call all of yesterday, but she just rang a second ago saying let's meet tonight and talk about it. Wants to talk about 'flexibility', etc. She sounded very strong on the phone...all i'm going to do is stand my ground, because that's what i feel is right. And whatever happens, happens.