I may have developed a degree of indifference over the past year that prevents or represses the chemical hormones of having feelings for a girl. I am repulsed by the idea and feelings of monogamy. It might be the negative conditioning from my LTR. I wasn't mentally or emotional prepared to handle living with a woman for 4 years and the aftermath that ensued.
- Jealousy and insecurity of losing her to another man
- Repressing the anger I felt for her
- Lies I told to make her jealous stemming from my insecurities
- Devaluing my own self respect to be with her
- Constant need of reassurance she still loved me
Towards the end
- Occasional thoughts of suicide
- Alcohol dependency
- Sleeping in my car
- Taking a hammer to every gift we gave each other
- Crying to her brother
I wasn't mature enough to handle a live-in relationship of that caliber (talks of marriage.) I kept in contact a year after we broke up, seeing each other monthly even though we lived 5 hours apart. One day, I was unpacking boxes to my new place...it was my 5th move within the past year, I found a random SD card. I remember taking 2 shots of Crown Royal because I had a feeling. There were photos of my ex, making out with 3 different guys when she went home to visit her parents. 2 weeks before we broke up.
I woke up the next morning, destined get the greatest revenge on my ex the world had ever seen. I changed my number, deleted Facebook and signed up for a gym membership. 6 months later, 40 pounds lighter and living in a new city, a familiar voice said - 'Hey BDJ!' I responded, 'Sorry, you have the wrong person.' Not giving my ex a second look, I turned around a walked away.
It's not that I am scared to get hurt again by having feelings. I'm not comparing my ex to anyone and no longer has any impact on my life. Well, maybe when I'm drunk and want to indulge on AFC pleasures. It's a good feeling once in a while, but I wake up with the worst cringe ever. You can say I no longer have compassion. I have banged dudes' GFs without feeling guilt or remorse, even when I put myself in his shoes. I don't do things for altruistic reasons. Doing good things just to feel good isn't my ideal way to live. I might have gone too far, but I'm truly happy.