Sort of new to all this.. wondering what to do

[SteR]

Hey guys, first off lemme give you a brief run down of my life so far just to let you know the situation

Basically I'm 20 and I'm in my 2nd year at university. I've never been the greatest with women and I blame this mainly on the fact that when I was younger I was the fat kid. This continued until I was around 17 and I (over the course of a year) lost all the weight. Now, I'm in pretty good shape. In fact, after I'd lost the fat and put on a bit of muscle I got a lot fo compliments from girls that used to go to my school (and I still do now from my girl friends ).

Anyway because I was always so self-concious about my looks and weight, I was never the most successful guy with women. I only ever pulled the first girl when I was 18 and a half and that was just because I was pretty drunk in a nightclub. Since then I've only pulled 3 more girls and they were all in nightclubs too and I'm still a virgin.

Now the problem is throughout my life I've never really met a girl that I've REALLY close to. I guess the only girl that I ever wanted I met when I first arrived in halls. She got together with a guy within in the first few days and I didn't make a move because back then I was the biggest AFC you had ever met. Anyway time progressed and she was always flirting with me and giving me compliments and blah de blah. I feel that if I'd known about all this DJ stuff I probably could have actually got her for myself.

However me being the chump I was I developed a case of oneitis and basically did EVERYTHING I'm not supposed to, you know like thinking that hanging around her for ages slating her boyfriend whilst he was off pulling other girls and then expecting her to go to bed with me ya know.. Eventually I did actually tell her I liked her which I know was a HUGE mistake but hey I've learnt.

Anyway I DO realise what a complete mistake that was and although I do still have feelings for her I do believe that there are better girls out there for me and I swear I will not make the same mistakes as I did with this girl.

Now the thing is, although I'm not very experienced with girls I have been reading a lot of the material on sosuave and I've read DYD and quite a few other articles. I seem to understand the basics about being ****y and funny and being a tease etc but I just can't seem to apply it to my life.

I seem to be in this state of mind at the moment where I feel that I need a girl to be happy. I KNOW this is a silly thing to believe and I want to get it out of my head but it keeps creeping it's way back to me. I don't know WHY I need one because I've thought about how different my life would be and it wouldn't really.. I'd just have a girl to hang out with every so often and that's the only difference.

Now the thing is it's all well and good everyone saying 'yeah just go to the highstreet or a coffee shop or something and just walk up to a girl and say hey' etc etc but at the moment I just can't do that. I do have a bit of confidence. I mean I can quite easily talk to people who introduce themselves to me and I can talk confidently to pretty much everyone except complete strangers. I guess this comes with experience but I don't have that right now. And I know a lot of you will probably say 'you're only gonna get experience by going out and trying this stuff' but it's such a huge leap for me to go from some guy who only rarely talks to girls in nightclubs to just wondering the streets approaching every girl in sight.

I do want to be better with women but I don't know why but I'm scared. It's like every time I see a gorgeous girl I just feel intimidated. I know I'm a fairly good looking guy and I know I should be able to get a good looking woman but when I actually see one I feel very intimidated and I seem to get flooded with doubts.

Also, like I said I'm still at university and you'd think it's the greatest place to meet women but really it isn't. I mean there aren't any girls on my course (computing course) so I don't get to meet any there and there aren't any in the sports clubs I'm in (cause they're guy sports) and the only real place that I can approach women seems to be nightclubs and there I always seem to have to have quite a few drinks to do the approaching.

I'm sorry I've gone on so long in this post lol, I just really want to sort my life out. I only really go out clubbing once a week and that seems to be my only chance to meet women. Most of the time though I just come back drunk feeling incredibly depressed because I didn't meet anyone and all my friends are out with girls and this girl I liked turned me down and blah blah blah.. you get the drift lol.

If anyone can help me out with my situation or tell me stories of how you changed your life around I'd greatly appreciate it - thanks!

 

[Skel]

You my friend need a kick in the ass

"I seem to be in this state of mind at the moment where I feel that I need a girl to be happy"

So basically what your saying is that your unhappy with yourself. If this is true, how is a girl gonna change that? I could go into depth on this but im at work.

You said you have confidence but you cant walk up to a girl in public whom you dont know. Well you are contradicting yourself. Think of it this way. What is the worst that can happen if you walk up to a girl and say hi im so and so whats your name? Besides death the worst that can happen is she will laugh in your face and you will be embarssed, BIG DEAL!!!! LIFE WILL GO ON I PROMISE YOU THAT

Get off your lazy ass and show some cojones!!!! Stop blaming your insecurities on you being a fat kid. Get started on your new life right now and take life by the horns and then kick it in the ass.

 

[Skel]

oh ya forgot to mention. Read the DJ bible, all of it, and do the bootcamp. It helps with confidence and **** like that.

 

[LostbutFound]

Yeah bro, read the DJ Bible. It will give you so much insight, its amazing. I was starting to feel that way too until I found this sight and the DJ Bible.

Going through the articles on the Bible made me realize really quick "what the FVck and Im doing?!?" and I made a quick change big time. Its been several weeks since I've been reading it, I went through the whole thing, and my confidence is up in a big way. Im noticing more attention from girls and Im not so scared anymore.

Im not gonna say Im fearless now, Ill admit Im still a little nervous, but its a big step then what I used to feel about approaching women. The DJ Bible is a great way for you to start understanding situations and reactions. That was a big problem for me, I was so frustrated by not understanding what the hell was going on, but the Dj bible explained a lot, so I can think much clearer and understand whats going on around me...I think thats what most guys need. Some type of understanding...I dont know about you, but I cant think straight or anything unless I understand whats going on.

 

[SteR]

Originally posted by Skel
You my friend need a kick in the ass

"I seem to be in this state of mind at the moment where I feel that I need a girl to be happy"

So basically what your saying is that your unhappy with yourself. If this is true, how is a girl gonna change that? I could go into depth on this but im at work.

You said you have confidence but you cant walk up to a girl in public whom you dont know. Well you are contradicting yourself. Think of it this way. What is the worst that can happen if you walk up to a girl and say hi im so and so whats your name? Besides death the worst that can happen is she will laugh in your face and you will be embarssed, BIG DEAL!!!! LIFE WILL GO ON I PROMISE YOU THAT

Get off your lazy ass and show some cojones!!!! Stop blaming your insecurities on you being a fat kid. Get started on your new life right now and take life by the horns and then kick it in the ass.

I do agree with some of what you said there skel. And I you're right I don't think I'm happy with myself and I'm a bit worried about why I'm not. I think it's because I'm obsessed with my physique since I've lost the weight and become v.interested in weightlifting. I seem to feel that unless I'm ripped to the bone and have no fat on my body then I'm ugly even though in reality I know this is not true - it's like it's deep in my sub-concious or something. I especially feel this when I fail with a girl.

And about the confidence thing. The ONLY problem I have is the approach I think. I don't know why but if someone approaches me I'm cool with that and it doesn't feel weird and I think it's because I know they want to talk to me and so it's okay to talk to them but if I approach them it feels I'm intruding and I don't know whether they want to talk to me.

And I've already read a bit of the DJ bible but I think I'll go back and read the whole thing

Cheers for the responses so far guys

 

[SteR]

uhm guys. This is totally out of the blue and it has caught me WAYY off guard.

Basically as I've mentioned above I've had a bad case of oneitis with this girl who used to live with me in halls and is now living with me in my current house. I've pretty much had the worst time of my life as I've liked this girl for so long and yet I couldn't have her because she had a bf. Anyway she split with her bf because he cheated on her.

Now the weird thing is I've always gotten on so well with this girl. Like I said I told her that I liked her which was a huge mistake. Anyway I was kinda over her after telling her that but then my feelings came creeping back and although I never let it slip that I still liked her I did deep inside.

Now, skip back to her boyfriend bit. She basically split up with him and within a few days was with some new guy and they've been together for like a couple of months now. I found it really hard to adjust to this but I just said to myself she's not worth it blah blah and since she's been with this guy I've just stayed good friends with her.

Recently though we've been just messing about a lot and having fun as friends. Now although it tears me up inside that I can't have her I just face the facts and get on with my life.

Now, skip to this day and I was talkin to her this afternoon. We were just messing around as we do and having a laugh and I said I was going to bed. 2 hours later I get a message on MSN and she says this:

"right im ready to go to sleep now, finally at 2.00!! you dont need to reply to this cos i will be embarressed but i have to say something and im too much of a ***** to say it to your face, but ive been thinking about you alot lately and find you so sexy i just want to go ahead and kiss you! i dont know why i feel i have to tell you, i guess i just want you to know thats what i think".

This has TOTALLY shocked the hell out of me and I dunno what to think. I seriously do want this girl but she's put me through so much **** that I feel she doesn't deserve me. However, having read all this stuff on sosuave I think I'm gonna have a bit of fun wit her . I'm not gonna say anything about it and I'm just going to act like it doesn't phase me. I must say I'm over the moon that she's said this but I have a dodgy feeling about it. I guess it's just that I wanna make sure she really does feel something for me and she's not gonna fuk me over so I'll see what happens. Anyway she's going away this weekend so I won't see her till Sunday but what would u experienced DJs recommend I do?

 

[mrExtreme]

For now go with your plan to not mention anything about the message she sent you. Wait for her to bring it up and if she does you will have a great opportunity to bust her balls on it with some C&F. You could say something like "What makes you think you're worthy of kissing me?" or something like that in a playful tone of voice. Then she'll probably try to qualify herself and you can kiss her if you feel like it or you could do the "fade-away" where you pretend you're going to kiss her but pull back at the last second and say "I'm still not convinced you're worthy enough." There's a good chance that she will go crazy and jump on you after that.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Ster, don't do the silent thing!!!

You should personally approach her and playfully ask her to confess in person what she said in her e-mail. Why should you do this? Because you been obssessing over her for years and this open chapter in your life has to be closed, and then you can move forward and quit wondering what might have been.

Plus, if you hook up with her this would be a confidence booster. And since you are uncomfortable starting up a convo with strangers and don't like doing cold approaches, what better target to practice on then someone you have known for years. She could be your test subject of what you learned in the dj bible. Put your skills to work.

The first thing you must do is pursue women only romantically and not as friends! After she confesses - make sure she wants you romantically and if she does, tell her it is going to take some work on her part...if you go on a first date - go for the kiss and see if she is serious about her confession...if she turns away she is toying with you and you should tell her so.

If she don't want to start something now... then leave her and do not talk to her as a friend anymore and pursue other women. This absence will make her think about you more and her desire willl increase. Don't give in and talk on the phone and shyt around as friends..this will destroy your future chances for anything romantic.

Don't be so serious as if you are desperate or needy..do all this in a playful yet sincere manner to show her you are serious about the romance part. By the way, she has known for two years that you were infactuated with her...(I'm sure this was obvious) Her e-mail was your clue to be a man and her saying, "pursue me romantically, if you want me"!!! She probably thinks you needed a push and a sign of interest for you to draw up the nerve to let the beast out of you (not that beast), I was speaking figuratively!!!!

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Ster, if you are too fearful to do the above with a known friend then how can you ever do same with a complete stranger. You have to overcome your fear!! Hell, she was thinking about you and not her b/f before she went to bed. What does that tell you?

Here, I'll even give you the opener of what to say when you see her in person (TALK ABOUT THIS IN PERSON AND NOT ON THE PHONE!!)

Say, "Did you dream about me last night? (have a grin on your face). "You must have because I got your e-mail that you wrote at two in the morning right b 4 you fell asleep." "What were you and I doing in your dream" and so forth - play along...you want to see what her natural and spontaneous reactions are to gauge her interest level...and this will dictate how far you pursue!

 

[Drex]

What's up SteR. I can completely relate to your situation and lack of confidence when approaching women.

All of my life I was very skinny (125lbs at 6'1!!!!). I would always wear long pants and long sleeve shirts, even in the summer! Girls used to tell me that I would be good looking if I were not so damn skinny. Hearing this your whole life completely destroys your confidence with woman.

Well I'm 23 now and for the past 2 years I have been busting my ass off at the gym and eating like crazy and it's paying off. I'm up to 170lbs and I no longer look skinny. I actually have a pretty well built athletic body (but I still want to add another 30lbs at least).

Even though I have a pretty good physique now I still have major problems with approaching women. Actually, I have yet to approach a woman that I do not know. The only dating I've ever done is with girls that I already know or work with. But the kicker is that I have absolutely no problem talking to women once I already know them or if they approach me. I mean, I am a bartender and if some hot chick comes into my bar I have no problem going up to her and talking to her, because it's my JOB. But in public I just cannot do it for the life of me (yet).

I have all this knowledge from reading the Bible thoroughly and reading this message board for like a year and a half now and it's a shame that I can pretty much give anyone solid DJ advice yet I cannot help myself.

I think this girl can be a huge boost for your confidence and you should take advantage of the situation. Just recently I have had some MAJOR boosts to my confidence and I think that I am losing my fear of women. I just went on a date with a girl from work that is an absolute knockout and things went great, more dates in the future. Only reason I was able to muster the guts to ask her out was because I found out through another coworker that she was in to me. Nevertheless, it's still a major confidence boost.

So keep pumpin the iron because the better you feel about your body the more confidence you will gain and the more looks from women you will get (which is even more confidence). It's tough being skinny (or fat) growing up, completely ruins your confidence with women, but I think it can be fixed.

 

[SteR]

Thanks for all the responses guys! This is a real tricky situation because like I said I live with this girl so if it blows up in my face then I have to see her every day and just deal with it.

Also like I said I'm not gonna see this girl for the whole weekend now so we've both got time to think about it.. ack. Anyway I have a strong feeling that as long as I don't say anything for the rest of the day she's gonna ring/text me tonight because she's done this before .

I guess the biggest problem about this all is I REALLY REALLY want this girl. I mean I've tried for a long time to get her outta my head but there's always been feelings for her so I have to be really careful about how I go around this. And yea I think I'm gonna take your advice guys and just wait till I'm alone with her on Sunday and then just play around with her . This is all gonna be new to me though because it's hard enough me kissing girls after a few drinks let alone stone cold sober!

The other freaky thing is the WHOLE time I was talkin to her before she told me this crap, I was also desperate to just grab her by the arms and kiss her but I didn't know how she felt. I guess the tough thing about this girl is she's so hard to understand.

Another thing is I guess I'm a tiny bit apprehensive about this all because at xmas when she split up with her boyfriend and we had gone home for the holidays, she was sending me loads of texts saying she found me sexy blah blah and then started ringing me. Me, being the complete afc chump I was started sending her loads of texts/calls back and then I found out that she was seeing another guy so it kinda hurt me. I never let her know how much it hurt me but it really did so I want to be careful this time.

Anyway thanks for the responses guys, keep em coming and wish me luck!

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

I missed the part where you stated that you lived with her...this complicates things

It is about time you quit hiding from her and make a stand, especially after all the positive flirting she has been giving you.

Why did she write you an e-mail if you live with her???

 

[Porky]

50% of this board were complete pussies and girl-whipped AFCs before coming here. you aren't alone.

 

[Skel]

true that porky

Dood sex her up, be a man for Christ sakes. I would listen to Puerto Rican Lover. Make her confess

 

[SteR]

lol yea I think you're right, I'm just gonna have to suck it up and go for it.

The thing is I've backed off this girl totally after I told her how I felt (about a year ago (?)) and since then I've tried to show her that I don't care what she does with the exception of xmas. Although I didn't say I liked her I didn't let her know that I didn't like her if ya catch my drift. And since xmas I pretty much have just been bustin her balls about everything (she even asked me why I always took the mick outta her ).

It only seems to be that when we've been drinking we seem to flirt like crazy, I mean we'll be VERY touchy feely etc etc but whenever we're sober again it's almost like none of this crap has ever happened and we're just real good friends. The hardest part of all of this is gonna be the transition from doing this when drinking to doing it all when sober.

I've also tried to avoid her as much as possible because I found it hard to be around her and not be with her if u understand what I mean (oneitis).

**** I'm gettin all nervous now guys lol, aaaahasdljfasdkjf wish me luck

edit: oh and the reason she told me this over MSN messenger even though she is in the room next door to me is 'cause she said she was too much of a pvssy to say it to my face

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

The relationship you two have is strange...you live together and you both fear of talking to each other face to face, romantically.
Be a man and initiate convo face-to-face.

Don't live with a girl, especially if you are attracted to her, because of this exact awkward situation...it complicates things.

I would advise you to move out.

 

[SteR]

yeh I am moving out of the house at the start of summer into a house with a load of my good mates.

Anyway a small update:

basically I said to her over msn this morning (she was still in bed), 'so are u gonna elaborate on what u said last night? ' and she was like blah blah I've had feelings for you all along even with I was with my bfs etc etc. I said we couldn't talk face to face right now cause I had to run off 2 the gym in 5 and our other housemates were within hearing distance if we did so I said I'd talk to her on sunday.
Anyway she pretty much admitted that she liked me all this time and she couldn't take it anymore etc so I said well u confused the hell out of me the last year and I was never sure how you felt so have a good weekend and we'll discuss it on sunday.

So basically on sunday I just plan to go talk to her and say well I dunno how I feel (i'll play a little hard to get) I might say she don't deserve me and wink and then I'll probably just kiss her and leave it at that

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Dude, you better do more than that -- grab her and thrust the full force of your torso upon her and tell her that her desire for you shall be quenched once and for all. You know, the stuff you see in the movies..if she doesn't slap you then you'll br ok And quit freaking text messaging her!!! Start owning up and do this face to face as a man would do. Break out of your shell!! It's a new day!! She told you she wants you!!! It doesn't get easier than this!!! Excuse all the exclamation points!!! I'm just trying to exclaim in writing

 

[SteR]

okay I will try and do that . And yeh I would have said all this face to face with her this morning but she was still in bed and my housemates were RIGHT above us (they easily would've heard) and we gotta be careful who we let know but yeah I guess I'm just gonna have to go for it so wish me luck and I'll keep you posted

god I'm gettin butterflies haha

 

[SteR]

WOOHOO!!
I'm goin out with her . I spoke to her when she got back and it was real awkward cause she was so shy about it. It was probs the most awkward time of my life lol but anyway we said we both had feelings for eachotehr then we both went in my room and we just lay down on the bed together huggin an ****. Then we started kissing for a bit and she said 'I really wanna have sex with u' and I was like OMFG YEH but I said 'nah we can't right now' and we just carried on huggin an ****.
I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanna fvck this girl cause she turns me on so much so I'll probably bang her in the next few days but we'll c what happens

WOOHOO