Six Months in a Relationship

[Desdinova]

I can't bloody-well believe I've been in a relationship for six months already. Well, actually 4 months being exclusive. Not sure this is what I want, but she's been a pretty good girl so far.

Last night she took me out for dinner at a somewhat expensive restaurant. I'm never really much on the dining out thing because I have never had a meal that I can't say I couldn't make better at home.

Anyway, she paid for the whole shot. I just thought to myself 'okay, well that's your choice'. Then she presented me with two tickets to go see my favorite band who's coming to town. I told her I'd pay for mine, but she didn't want my money. She spent over a couple hundred bucks that day on the two of us. I didn't give her a damn thing because six months really doesn't mean fvck all to me.

So anyway, a red flag goes up in my brain. When women spend a ton of money on me, it usually means they want something in return, and it's usually not money nor sex. I think I got a hint of that today...

I see her maybe three times a week, and I'm happy with that. In fact, I could do with a little less time with her, but there's always some price to pay in a relationship, and it always seems to be time.

So anyway, I get a message from her today asking what me and my boy are doing in the evening. I list off a few things that I need to get done. She asks if I want to 'hang out', so I told her 'we'll see'. I never see her on Wednesday. I've already had a somewhat trying day at work, and it didn't help with my cat making a mess on my carpet and my child acting up in the store. Needless to say, I'm exhausted.

So I kinda forgot about her wanting to hang out and just spent the rest of the evening relaxing. She sends me a message telling me that it wasn't nice to ignore her and how it makes her feel unimportant. I apologized for not getting back to her and let her know that my day was exhausting. She still pushes in the next message, so I ignored it.

The only relationships I've had that were longer than six months resulted in a ring on the woman's finger. I'm never doing that again, so I gotta ask, is the whole six month thing like a hurdle women jump over before they demand more time and commitment?

On the flip side of things, the bytch I dated before this girl is still in contact with me. She sent me a message the other day - completely out of the blue - basically telling me that she'd have no problem being 'friends with benefits' even with me being in a relationship. The woman's good looking, great in bed, and that's why I've kept her warming on the backburner. Too bad she's a rude cvnt with two kids.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Des,
Look you are playing this soo well.....I am impressed with the"
I see her maybe three times a week, and I'm happy with that. In fact, I could do with a little less time with her, but there's always some price to pay in a relationship, and it always seems to be time."No more than this and the relationship will stay fresh and dynamic,you have interesting thinks to talk about,you sample the very Quintessence of the fun things you both enjoy....in a long Term relationship beware boredom and becoming too demanding of her svexually,three times a week for her will ensure she looks forward to a bit of nonsense....on the other four days you could spin plates if she is not enough or involve yourself in your hobbies and interests.

 

[iqqi]

Des, I think she really likes you, and you are right when you assess the situation as her wanting more of you. More time, commitment, emotion.

I'd be honest with her, and with yourself.

Tell her that what she did for you the other day was a big deal, and it meant a lot to you. It was very thoughtful and you appreciate the gift. That it also made it clear what she wants from you and this relationship, which is more.

That first part is important because it tells her that you realize her efforts and appreciate them. And also that you are aware how she feels about you.

Then tell her that you've been through hell with your last relationships. That it has nothing to do with her, and all with you. And regardless of how awesome she is, you must take it slow. As in slooooooow. No serious anything until you are ready, which may be never. And she can always walk away. That if she stays, you promise her nothing of any kind of serious commitment, not even 4 days a week. Because, quite simply, you just ARE NOT READY.

You have to keep it real with yourself, and be prepared to let her walk away.

song dedication to you

 

[Die Hard]

Interesting, Iqqi... Instead of "be prepared to walk away from her", your advice is "be prepared to let HER walk away"

You're implying that if someone should walk away in this situation, it should be Desdinova's woman, not Desdinova himself. 'Walking away' is a main concept on this board... Yet, this is the very first time I ever saw anyone on this board apply the concept to the woman, instead of the man. Surely, it's no coincidence that this is coming from you, a woman...

Which one is it?

1. Desdinova should walk away from her when he feels this girl is becoming too demanding of him.

2. The girl should walk away from Desdinova when she feels he won't give her what she wants.

In this regard, it's interesting to keep the following in mind... The one who walks away, is often the one who feels best after the breakup and the one who got walked away on, is usually the one who feels worse after the breakup. It has to do with locus of control: if the breakup was your decision, you'll be better able to cope with it but if the breakup was decided for you, you'll be less able to cope with it.

So I guess when a woman looks at this relationship, she will side with the girl and advice her to walk away from Desdinova if he won't give her what she wants. And when a man looks at this relationship, I guess he will side with Desdinova and advice him to walk away from the girl when she becomes too demanding.

Iqqi, you being a woman, I'm sure I know who you would side with... But since Desdinova's girl isn't here asking for advice, you can only side with her implicitly, through your advice to Desdinova. And I believe that's exactly what you did when you adviced Desdinova:

"be prepared to let her walk away"

Whether you did this consciously or subconsciously, I don't know. But it does prove a point that's being repeated on this board: Don't take advice from women when it comes to the game...

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

DES, how old is she? What are her personal conditions? Previously married, how long? Kids, how old? It would help to know what phase of life she's in and what's motivating her.

I can only make presumptions, but my guess is she's a "mature" woman. Women who make grand, expensive, spending gestures tend to be less attractive and use their "generosity" in lieu of, or to reinforce what they lack in, attractiveness. Men do this too of course (buying IL), but it's more pronounced when women do it because it's unexpected and unorthodox since women are generally the ones who expect to be pampered.

Mature women have a greater tendency for this since they often have the means to do so, and the motivation to present a higher 'value-added' idea for a man she knows she's in sexual competition with against younger, hotter and more sexually available women than herself. Her high ticket spending spree on you was an investment in your taking her exclusivity to the next level. The idea is that you should feel obligated to lock-out her sexual competitors by recognizing her investment.

I should also add that this is the same mistake men make when they do the same with hotter women well out of their SMV. The hope is that a purchase price for exclusivity can be arranged.

In either case the arrangement is still negotiation of desire - and that's never genuine. Essentially this woman has telegraphed to you that her future security is more important to her than your genuine desire for her; so much so that she'll resort to OVERT means (extravagant spending) to make sure you get that message. When women will drop their preferred, covert, form of communication for men's overt communication, you know she's feeling desperate. Mature women have much less patience for, or margin for error with, the flighty covert communication that was so useful for them in their 20s.

Now, what you do with this understanding is really up to you. Do you want to be more involved with a woman who feels she entitled to your commitment to the point that she'll compromise any notion of real desire in favor of elaborate displays of spending to make you feel obligated to do so? Do you want to commit more fully to a woman who'd settle for a guy that would do so?

 

[zekko]

Then tell her that you've been through hell with your last relationships. That it has nothing to do with her, and all with you.

So in other words, give her the old "It's not you, it's me"?

Thing is, Desdinova says they have been exclusive for four months, so if you look at that, it sounds like things already are pretty serious.

Die Hard, here's how I look at it. Des seems happy with this girl, seeing her three days a week. If he makes it clear that he is happy with her, but can't really give her more right now, and leaves it up to the girl whether or not that's enough for her, I don't see that as siding with anybody.

Why does it always have to be one person wins/one person loses? If the girl walks away because she wanted more of a commitment from you, I don't see that as the guy losing. It sounds more like the girl values the guy more than he values her, so she had to go no contact. It's really more like a mutual agreement to break it off.

I find that the six month mark is a milestone of sorts. Usually by this time it does start to become clear whether or not things are going to work out. In this case, it may be that each person has different needs and wants from the relationship, and it's becoming clear that these may not be met. So at that point maybe it's best to mutually break it off. Not saying that's the case here, that's up to Des, but it is often the case after six months.

 

[Die Hard]

Zekko, the subject of my post was not 'Desdinova's situation'. The subject of my post was 'Iqqi and the things she subtly implied in her post'.

So the reflections I wrote about Desdinova's situation were not meant as a personal comment on his situation, they were meant to support my comment on Iqqi and the things she subtly implied in her post. You read those reflections totally out of context.

 

[Desdinova]

DES, how old is she? What are her personal conditions? Previously married, how long? Kids, how old? It would help to know what phase of life she's in and what's motivating her.

Ah, the fun part! She's 34, never married, no kids, decent job. I think the biggest problem she's got is that she has pretty much nothing to occupy her time besides me. My situation is different, I have tons of stuff to do and never any time to do them.

I don't want anything more than three times a week. If she wants a full-time commitment, she'll have to look elsewhere. Unless she brings up the subject of 'our time together' in conversation, I have no desire to discuss it because I'm happy with the way things are. If she wants to spend a pile of money on me, I'm not going to stop her. What she does with her money is her decision. Obviously, she's opened herself up to be taken advantage of, but I have no desire to do such a thing.

There's something I've learned about myself through all the stuff I've been through over the last ten years or so... I have always been a bit of a loner. I have a few friends, but I always have a good time when I'm by myself. I've been trying to fight that all my life by looking for a woman to settle down with. However, when I'm in a full-time relationship, I'm fvcking miserable because I need to give up a good chunk of time to devote it to the relationship.

Since I'm so comfortable being alone, why should I fight it? Why not embrace it? I mean, I don't like being alone all the time, but I don't need someone around 24/7 to feel accepted and wanted. If she needs that in her life, then she's with the wrong person.

 

[Sue Madre]

Ah, the fun part! She's 34, never married, no kids, decent job. I think the biggest problem she's got is that she has pretty much nothing to occupy her time besides me. My situation is different, I have tons of stuff to do and never any time to do them.

I don't want anything more than three times a week. If she wants a full-time commitment, she'll have to look elsewhere. Unless she brings up the subject of 'our time together' in conversation, I have no desire to discuss it because I'm happy with the way things are. If she wants to spend a pile of money on me, I'm not going to stop her. What she does with her money is her decision. Obviously, she's opened herself up to be taken advantage of, but I have no desire to do such a thing.

There's something I've learned about myself through all the stuff I've been through over the last ten years or so... I have always been a bit of a loner. I have a few friends, but I always have a good time when I'm by myself. I've been trying to fight that all my life by looking for a woman to settle down with. However, when I'm in a full-time relationship, I'm fvcking miserable because I need to give up a good chunk of time to devote it to the relationship.

Since I'm so comfortable being alone, why should I fight it? Why not embrace it? I mean, I don't like being alone all the time, but I don't need someone around 24/7 to feel accepted and wanted. If she needs that in her life, then she's with the wrong person.

She's too old, find a young hottie.

 

[Desdinova]

She's too old, find a young hottie.

Find me a 'young hottie' who is never married, no kids, has held onto a good job for more than 6 months, who treats me well, and I'll happily date her.

 

[typical]

Find me a 'young hottie' who is never married, no kids, has held onto a good job for more than 6 months, who treats me well, and I'll happily date her.

Thats an urban legend mate with all the brainwashing going on these days I see more and more late teens early tweens getting hitched everyday.

 

[Sue Madre]

Find me a 'young hottie' who is never married, no kids, has held onto a good job for more than 6 months, who treats me well, and I'll happily date her.

Go foreign.

I found one from another country already. Never married and no kids. Petite, 26 years old, has dinner waiting for me every night and has money in the bank. She is obedient and does whatever I say. She already bought a new fridge and oven for my house.

 

[Desdinova]

Go foreign.

I found one from another country already. Never married and no kids. Petite, 26 years old, has dinner waiting for me every night and has money in the bank. She is obedient and does whatever I say. She already bought a new fridge and oven for my house.

So what's the difference between your woman and mine? Please enlighten me.

 

[Sue Madre]

So what's the difference between your woman and mine? Please enlighten me.

For starters it doesn't sound like you are that into her. I predict you will be dumping this one soon anyway.

 

[Desdinova]

For starters it doesn't sound like you are that into her. I predict you will be dumping this one soon anyway.

And what would I do if I was into her?

 

[Sue Madre]

And what would I do if I was into her?

You would want to spend time with her and not make posts about avoiding her more.

 

[Desdinova]

You would want to spend time with her and not make posts about avoiding her more.

Uhhh... That wasn't the point of the post. I was just looking for thoughts on the six month milestone. The rest was just background and possibly to help some of the noobs see that spoiling their woman with time and money is not the answer to keeping a woman around.

I only avoid her when her behavior is bad, which isn't very often.

 

[Don Juan the Fantastic]

Go foreign.

I found one from another country already. Never married and no kids. Petite, 26 years old, has dinner waiting for me every night and has money in the bank. She is obedient and does whatever I say. She already bought a new fridge and oven for my house.

I am seriously considering this now, every time I go to a new country and see that the average girl is not a self-entitled fatty, it really shocks me. What country is she from and how did you meet her?

 

[Zarky]

IMHO you should be dating other women as well. Of course this is not something she needs to know about.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

DJ Fantastic, put an age on your profile.