Single Mom Lets It Be Known "Her Kids Come First"

[Sega Genesis]

Couple of days ago, she mentioned going to a concert with her children, however I suggested why she couldn't go another time with them, as I won't be able to be free any other days in the week.

She responded with the.. MY KIDS COME BEFORE EVERYONE SPEECH.

@DJ Novice reading the above bolded, while I'm sure you didn't intend for your comment to come across this way, it really does sound a bit entitled, you suggesting or even expecting that she would move plans with her kids around to accommodate YOUR schedule.

Can you see it? Looking at it from her eyes or an objective observer?

I don't know the general dynamic of your relationship but if this occurs often, it obviously frustrates her and thus the reason why she feels she needs to continue to remind you in a very blunt and direct way.

$.02.

 

[DJVision]

@DJ Novice reading the above bolded, while I'm sure you didn't intend for your comment to come across this way, it really does sound a bit entitled, you suggesting or even expecting that she would move plans with her kids around to accommodate YOUR schedule.

Can you see it? Looking at it from her eyes or an objective observer?

I don't know the general dynamic of your relationship but if this occurs often, it obviously frustrates her and thus the reason why she feels she needs to continue to remind you in a very blunt and direct way.

$.02.

Yeh I understand what you are highlighting there... But keep in mind I have rearranged and gone out of my way many many times, in order to accommodate her work schedule, and her children/child care schedule etc.

And I have never made a single request from her for anything EVER!

 

[Sega Genesis]

But keep in mind I have rearranged and gone out of my way many many times, in order to accommodate her work schedule, and her children/child care schedule etc.

Fair enough however in this case, she had tickets to a concert, obviously something that could not be moved, right?

Anyway that's not even your gripe, is it?

You don't appreciate her attitude and constantly mentioning, quite aggressively, that her kids always come first?

If so, I do understand, there IS a way for her to get that point across without her constantly yelling at you about it, imo.

But then again I don't know your dynamic and how you generally interact with her.

Sounds like this may have been building for awhile and this time she just snapped.

Have you tried talking about it with her calmly and rationally?

 

[BeExcellent]

Lots more color to this thread since yesterday. Good. Much wisdom shared.

Obviously this 33 yo is good for his ego when they are together. She is attractive with an appealing figure. It would be difficult to find an equally attractive childless woman in that age range because the vast majority of much younger women pair off with similarly aged men to build a life together. Those girls have seriously endless options. So OP has a very attractive younger girl with kids because he's not keen on women closer to his own age (who will, if sane, also be mothers.)

Her attractiveness inflates OPs ego.

She is also good to him. She is caring and warm & sexually there when they get together. She has boundaries that are sensible. She is attractive enough to require exclusivity from him too.

OP does not like hearing out loud about her kids coming first because it blows up his ego driven fantasy supporting his ego; the reminder of the obvious deflates his (fragile) ego and that ego blow is the root of the annoyance & upset. This is also why the health scare was such a scare. It is a reminder that OP is not 25 anymore.

I'm almost 56. When you reach middle age, you are, well, middle aged. I have friends who have died, friends fighting cancer, friends doing all that health screening stuff that tends to come with middle age, including my husband. That is normal life stuff. Young mothers with young kids aren't there yet (and may not be keen on looking after an old(er) guy with normal middle age "stuff" going on.

So OP has unrealistic expectations in every direction.

My thoughts are this (buckle up for unpleasant truth):

Like many/most older childless men, OP has never had to REALLY sacrifice his own self interests. OP is also set in his thought patterns and expectations, however unrealistic they may be. OP also is vain and his ego rather fragile. This 33 yo is a trophy to him to a degree. He wants to be seen with her as it makes him feel good/younger.

OP has not said so in this thread but I expect he is not drawn to women closer to his own age & life stage. He'd feel older or less manly with them (nevermind the sane ones will all be mothers)....

I deal with some of these same issues in my marriage to a never previously married childless man. Having children and the weight of that responsibility matures people. It makes parents, if they are worthwhile parents, sacrifice and grow and mature in a way a person who does not have kids CANNOT grasp fully.

My husband has unrealistic expectations like OP in some areas. The difference is that my husband never wanted kids, doesn't want the risk of pregnancy associated with younger women (who he is perfectly capable of attracting), he also didn't want to deal with very young kids his partner might already have, but he still wanted someone very attractive. He didn't want to financially have a woman demanding or needing his resources either. Although things aren't perfect we are a much better match than OP and his GF. I'm with my man at his sporting event. My 16 yo is with her dad for the holidays, we did Christmas with my son/daughter-in-law as well as my father-in-law, you make it work and don't expect one person to be everything your fantasy in your mind can dream up....

As others have said, this sets you up for disappointment.

Not surprisingly OP is disappointed. He is also selfish and immature for a guy almost 50.

But the bigger issue is WHY did he get involved with this 33yo in the first place?

OP has not sat down, looked at his life, decided exactly what he wants and determined what are the non-negotiables, and what can he tolerate if the person checks most of his boxes. Instead he chose hottest/youngest without taking a long term view. Now he's disappointed. No shock there.

1.Grow up
2. Figure out what your long term priorities are
3. Screen women based on those priorities
Quit crying. You chose a chick who isn't a good fit. That is on YOU for wasting your own time, which the health scare has taught you is very valuable and limited.

 

[DJVision]

Fair enough however in this case, she had tickets to a concert, obviously something that could not be moved, right?

Anyway that's not even your gripe, is it?

You don't appreciate her attitude and constantly mentioning, quite aggressively, that her kids always come first?

If so, I do understand, there IS a way for her to get that point across without her constantly yelling at you about it, imo.

But then again I don't know your dynamic and how you generally interact with her.

Sounds like this may have been building for awhile and this time she just snapped.

Have you tried talking about it with her calmly and rationally?

Here is what I am trying to say.

When you are both busy people, there will be times when meeting up/schedules/priorities and times will clash.. this is to be expected.

I for the vast majority of time have made sacrifices with my time and schedule,.in order to accommodate her life, children and job.

Inevitably a clash is likely to happen at some point or another. What I don't want hear each time we clash, or a sacrifice is required on the VERY ODD occasion is... "My Kids come before you blah blah blah"

"Vision please make daily sacrifices for me, please commit to me, and forfeit the chance of being with another childless woman. Please forfeit the possibility of having your own child. Vision please forfeit the possibility of having a normal girlfriend experience, such as having holidays together, or spending Christmas or NYE together.. Vision please do all of this for me, but, if you ever upset me or annoy me, or over strep your wants or needs a little, I will without a doubt immediately remind you, that you are NOT priority MY HAPPINESS AND MY CHILDREN COME FIRST... Please continue making sacrifices...

Errrm no thanks.. I think I will bet my time one someone else instead, who appreciates my efforts.

 

[DJVision]

Lots more color to this thread since yesterday. Good. Much wisdom shared.

Obviously this 33 yo is good for his ego when they are together. She is attractive with an appealing figure. It would be difficult to find an equally attractive childless woman in that age range because the vast majority of much younger women pair off with similarly aged men to build a life together. Those girls have seriously endless options. So OP has a very attractive younger girl with kids because he's not keen on women closer to his own age (who will, if sane, also be mothers.)

Her attractiveness inflates OPs ego.

She is also good to him. She is caring and warm & sexually there when they get together. She has boundaries that are sensible. She is attractive enough to require exclusivity from him too.

OP does not like hearing out loud about her kids coming first because it blows up his ego driven fantasy supporting his ego; the reminder of the obvious deflates his (fragile) ego and that ego blow is the root of the annoyance & upset. This is also why the health scare was such a scare. It is a reminder that OP is not 25 anymore.

I'm almost 56. When you reach middle age, you are, well, middle aged. I have friends who have died, friends fighting cancer, friends doing all that health screening stuff that tends to come with middle age, including my husband. That is normal life stuff. Young mothers with young kids aren't there yet (and may not be keen on looking after an old(er) guy with normal middle age "stuff" going on.

So OP has unrealistic expectations in every direction.

My thoughts are this (buckle up for unpleasant truth):

Like many/most older childless men, OP has never had to REALLY sacrifice his own self interests. OP is also set in his thought patterns and expectations, however unrealistic they may be. OP also is vain and his ego rather fragile. This 33 yo is a trophy to him to a degree. He wants to be seen with her as it makes him feel good/younger.

OP has not said so in this thread but I expect he is not drawn to women closer to his own age & life stage. He'd feel older or less manly with them (nevermind the sane ones will all be mothers)....

I deal with some of these same issues in my marriage to a never previously married childless man. Having children and the weight of that responsibility matures people. It makes parents, if they are worthwhile parents, sacrifice and grow and mature in a way a person who does not have kids CANNOT grasp fully.

My husband has unrealistic expectations like OP in some areas. The difference is that my husband never wanted kids, doesn't want the risk of pregnancy associated with younger women (who he is perfectly capable of attracting), he also didn't want to deal with very young kids his partner might already have, but he still wanted someone very attractive. He didn't want to financially have a woman demanding or needing his resources either. Although things aren't perfect we are a much better match than OP and his GF. I'm with my man at his sporting event. My 16 yo is with her dad for the holidays, we did Christmas with my son/daughter-in-law as well as my father-in-law, you make it work and don't expect one person to be everything your fantasy in your mind can dream up....

As others have said, this sets you up for disappointment.

Not surprisingly OP is disappointed. He is also selfish and immature for a guy almost 50.

But the bigger issue is WHY did get involved with this 33yo in the first place?

OP has not sat down, looked at his life, decided exactly what he wants and determined what are the non-negotiables, and what can he tolerate if the person checks most of his boxes. Instead he chose hottest/youngest without taking a long term view. Now he's disappointed. No shock there.

1.Grow up
2. Figure out what your long term priorities are
3. Screen women based on those priorities
Quit crying. You chose a chick who isn't a good fit. That is on YOU for wasting your own time.

Huh have you been smoking crack @BeExcellent ? I would strongly advise you to put the pipe down, as your analysis reads like a drunk crackhead put this together.

She is at best average looking and doesn't have a great body. I have had much hotter girls in the past.

Trust me I like her character, but looks wise I have done way better, my ex prior to this one was ages 29.. Even then my ego didn't care much, I judged her on her behaviour not her looks.

By the way don't let my age fool you. I'm heavily into fitness and in really good shape and looks wise, don't look a day older than 35.. You might look like dawg zhit, but I honestly don't.

If you want, I can provide you with a contact for drugs rehabilitation? Because your totally OFF analysis only a coked out junkie could possibly put together lol

Nice try though.. it's amazing how through the screen of your phone you managed to see how hot the girls body is and her beautiful ego boosting looks? You certainly have some awesome, almost ESP powers @BeExcellent

Could you possibly also use your insane powers, and tell me how empty or full my Ballz are right now??

 

[BeExcellent]

Huh have you been smoking crack beexcellent? I would strongly advise you to put the pipe down, as your analysis reads like a drunk crackhead put this together.

She is at best average looking and doesn't have a great body. I have had much hotter girls in the past.

Trust me I like her character, but looks wise I have done way better, my ex prior to this one was ages 29.. Even then my ego didn't care much, I judged her on her behaviour not her looks.

If you want, I can provide you with a contact for drugs rehabilitation? Because your totally OFF analysis only a coked out junkie could possibly put together lol

Nice try though.. it's amazing how through the screen of your phone you managed to see how hot the girls body is and her beautiful ego boosting looks? You certainly have some awesome, almost ESP powers @BeExcellent

Could you possibly also use your insane powers, and tell me how empty or full my Ballz are right now??

Well if she is only so-so, why are you still there? Hmmmmm? Why are you wasting your time with her at all? I'm guessing you don't have all the other options you'd like us to believe.

I'm not the one coming crying to the forum because I'm upset about the obvious.

You are.

 

[DJVision]

Well if she is only so-so, why are you still there? Hmmmmm? Why are you wasting your time with her at all? I'm guessing you don't have all the other options you'd like us to believe.

I'm not the one coming crying to the forum because I'm upset about the obvious.

You are.

Because unlike you, you dumbb retard, her looks are not that important to me..

I also look for good character in a female, not just how hot her azz is you dvmmy.

Go back to the drawing board with your clown world analysis.

 

[Sega Genesis]

Inevitably a clash is likely to happen at some point or another. What I don't want hear each time we clash, or a sacrifice is required on the VERY ODD occasion is... "My Kids come before you blah blah blah"

I totally get that, it's what I posted in my second post. Did you miss it?

My question was have you talked to her about it calmly and rationally and explained you have NO problem with her putting her kids first and do not need to be constantly reminded?

You know have an actual conversation about it?

 

[DJVision]

I totally get that, it's what I posted in my second post. Did you miss it?

My question was have you talked to her about it calmly and rationally and explained you have NO problem with her putting her kids first and do not need to be constantly reminded?

You know have an actual conversation about it?

No I haven't had that conversation.. because I don't see her very often, and having these conversations by text message is not even worth it.

It would have to be a conversation in person.

All that being said, nothing will change the fact, I would always have to make most of the effort in the relationship, while their is a strong chance I will not be appreciated for it.

I appreciate your input, and I wasn't trying to come across as harsh towards your input.

 

[BeExcellent]

Because unlike you, you dumbb retard, her looks are not that important to me..

I also look for good character in a female, not just how hot her azz is you dvmmy.

Go back to the drawing board with your clown world analysis.

I see. So instead of communicating like an adult with her, and instead of rational rebuttal to the post I made (which takes into account input from other thread participants in addition) you have no rebuttal or sensible response, and you resort to ad hominem attacks and name calling.

Its all there for everyone to read. Thank you for illustrating my point beautifully.

 

[Clockwerk50]

You got me... Do you know how many demands I have made on her since seeing her for 9 months? ZERO lol

I don't think I have even once asked her to meet me.. I have never travelled to her.. she has never paid for a single thing for me, I am financially sound.

I don't mind your input, however in all honesty you are very off the ball.

You should read about covert contracts in relationships and how they alter your perspective on trust and communication. Covert contracts are unspoken agreements where one person expects something in return for their actions, but the other person is unaware of these expectations. This can lead to feelings of resentment and misunderstanding when the unvoiced terms are not met.

I am not sure why I am off the ball, but it seems the core issue revolves around a covert contract that might be affecting your perspective. When you say, “If I am giving this much to her, where does she get off blatantly telling me to my face that I will always be the second option?”, it suggests you are unconsciously expecting something in return for your sacrifices—namely, her prioritizing you over her children or accommodating your schedule more than she can. This is a covert contract because you're making sacrifices (like adjusting your schedule) without explicitly discussing the terms or your expectations with her. You're assuming that, in exchange for this effort, she should prioritize you or make compromises for you—without her knowing that you're holding her to this unspoken standard.

Again, it seems like she’s been trying to communicate this to you subtly for a while, but because it hasn’t fully registered, she now feels the need to be direct and make it clear—her kids will always come first.

In relationships, it’s crucial to clarify your boundaries and expectations early on, rather than assuming someone should "just know" or follow your unspoken rules. By recognizing this covert contract, you can open up a more honest conversation with her about what you need from the relationship, while also being understanding of her position as a mother. Over time, without clear boundaries, this situation could lead to resentment and become unhealthy for both of you.

 

[DJVision]

I see. So instead of communicating like an adult with her, and instead of rational rebuttal to the post I made (which takes into account input from other thread participants in addition) you have no rebuttal or sensible response, and you resort to ad hominem attacks and name calling.

Its all there for everyone to read. Thank you for illustrating my point beautifully.

I communicate nicely with her at all times, because even with a few flaws, she is actually a nice person most of the time.

The reason why your getting this type of communication from me is, because you put together a bunch of horse chit analysis using some ESP powers where you know what my girl looks like and how hot she is...

Sorry but when talk out of your azz like clearly you are.. Don't expect a bunch of flowers and a box full of chocolate nicetys.

You going to slang chit, expect to get some thrown back... Time for YOU to grow up!

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Huh have you been smoking crack @BeExcellent ? I would strongly advise you to put the pipe down, as your analysis reads like a drunk crackhead put this together.

She is at best average looking and doesn't have a great body. I have had much hotter girls in the past.

Trust me I like her character, but looks wise I have done way better, my ex prior to this one was ages 29.. Even then my ego didn't care much, I judged her on her behaviour not her looks.

By the way don't let my age fool you. I'm heavily into fitness and in really good shape and looks wise, don't look a day older than 35.. You might look like dawg zhit, but I honestly don't.

If you want, I can provide you with a contact for drugs rehabilitation? Because your totally OFF analysis only a coked out junkie could possibly put together lol

Nice try though.. it's amazing how through the screen of your phone you managed to see how hot the girls body is and her beautiful ego boosting looks? You certainly have some awesome, almost ESP powers @BeExcellent

Could you possibly also use your insane powers, and tell me how empty or full my Ballz are right now??

Well if she is average looking and doesn't have a nice body then why are you wasting your time?

Obviously you need to be the center of attention with a woman, you know she isn't able to provide that for you but yet you still remain.

Why?

Go find yourself someone better. Unless you feel this is the best you can do and then I guess you probably need to work on some things yourself because you should be able to improve on that.

 

[DJVision]

Well if she is average looking and doesn't have a nice body then why are you wasting your time?

Obviously you need to be the center of attention with a woman, you know she isn't able to provide that for you but yet you still remain.

Why?

Go find yourself someone better. Unless you feel this is the best you can do and then I guess you probably need to work on some things yourself because you should be able to improve on that.

I have had several hot chicks in the past.. I don't select females based on looks these days. I would rather have a 6 if she is of good character.

 

[BeExcellent]

As far as my looks, see my avatar. That's me. In my 50s. Unfiltered, unretouched "proof" which I find sort of ironic. That's after 3 children and no surgical enhancements whatsoever. My real hair. I look better n a bikini than many women half my age. So I'm good, lol.

What doesn't add up is why are you with her then? Why make this thread? If her looks aren't the draw, you resent her clarifying her obvious obligation/responsibility, you want kids and she won't have more? Something just doesn't make sense.

I totally agree with @Clockwerk50 about covert contracts. You set yourself up for frustration and disappointment when you fail to communicate your expectations and then get upset when those expectations are not met. This is also completely frustrating to the other person, who undoubtedly failed Mindreading 101.

You are a classic example of "Nice Guy Syndrome". You see, nice guys are actually not nice. They work by covert contract and are transactional (this for that) in relationships. You stated you have Looks, Money, and Status (LMS). You expect her to reward your percieved sacrifices because you bring LMS in exchange for attention/priority/sex/availability etc.

Its a good lesson for the men here. Do not be the proverbial "Nice Guy" with uncommunicated covert expectations. Its not nice at all.

 

[BeExcellent]

Would you date a guy like this retard?

Nope. I'll keep my handsome "Bad boy" thank you very much.

 

[Barrister]

This board gets someone like OP about every 6-8 months. New poster who shows up with a question about a girl he’s struggling with. He doesn’t like the feedback he gets, then calls everyone who he posed the question to idiots and tries to impress them with his supposed prowess with women to dispute their advice (despite being the one having the problem).

Some things never change.

 

[DJ Novice]

Having had children myself it’s natural for any parent to put their kids first at least up until the high school years when the hormones kick in, they are more independent and they no longer want to hang around you. As a parent you want to get the most out of the time you have with them when they’re young.

If you are dating a single mum with kids still in primary school then she will still need to put her kids first a lot of the time. If this bothers you, then date someone with older or no kids or just keep it casual until her kids hit high school.

 

[plumber]

who would want a woman for more than a day, that does not priority her kids? that would be a RED flag.