A
Alberta2003
Guest
Hello dear DonJuans ,
I’ve got a problem which I also wrote about it in a women’s forum (their replies are included), but I would like to have ‘YOUR’ opinions on it too ( as in a man’s point of view and perspective ).Thanks in advance. Here is what I wrote and its replies :
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Hi everyone
I need your help on something which is on my mind lately. But I need to give you a flashback (2 years go)
I was madly in love with my bf , but it ended unfortunatly cause i thought that i had become pregnant ( although it was a wrong thought ) and he didn't support me .. just ended everything .at that point there was a guy who supported me all the way through the hard times.He has always been a good friend of mine and always said that my bf didn't deserve me. he is madly in love with me and has always been .He has even proposed to me several times. This guy is absolutely perfect regarding his education, job title and personality. the only problem is his looks . I am not picky at all , but he is so ugly that after all these years i haven't got used to it. His face skin has suffered from acnes and the trace has remained seriously. He is treatig his skin with the best doctors , but the results aren't very well... it's just that he isn't the kinda man i like regarding the visual part...
He is suffering alot from this fact that i don't want him as a lover and bf or husband... i can't answer his needs and i'm somehow still in love with my ex.
This good guy says that he can't have sex with anyone , since he loves me so much and lately i feel alot of pressure upon him... he loves to make love to me , but i can't . i feel that i can't make love to him, only sex there would be that i could give him ( very hard ...). since he's always been there for me.. do you think i should have sex with him even though i know i will never marry him or be his gf( lover?) he says it would be better than nothing .. even though i won't marry him. what should i do ?
Alberta
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Hi there,
In my opinion you shouldn't sleep with him. It's great that he's stuck by you so much, and I'm sure you're flattered that he feels the way he does about you. However, to him, sex would mean an awful lot, and I think it would be unfair of you to have sex with him. It sounds as if he's already very emotionally attached to him, and having sex with him would make things worse for you and perhaps a lot harder for him, plus might also give him the wrong idea.
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hi alberta
my advice wud be DONT have sex with him coz has he ever had a gf b4 is he stil a virgin. if he is then he wants u to b his first time as u've been so close over the years. but after the sex he will want more and more b coz he wud b emotionally in love wiv u as u were his 1st love. But in the other hand, if he is not a virgin, and actually only wants sex, have u thought that he mite want sex wiv u as no one else wud have it wiv him, i dont no, im just guessing but if i were u i wouldnt. I no ur probably sensible but imagine if something went rong, and u got pregnant(touch wood this dont happen) and he was the father then u wud have to *** an item as u couldnt cope on ur own, (im assuming from the last prob)
hope this helps
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you definately shouldn´t...unless you like getting yourself into complicated situations. put it this way: for him: he´s definately in love with you, and by sleeping with you, he will only get more emotionally involved and will want more from you. he´ll get the idea you are willing to have a relationship with him, and you will end up feeling pressured, which will put an end to any kind of relationship you have with this guy. for you: i get the impression you feel you owe him this, as a reward for always being by your side, since you know that this is what he really wants, to make love to you. sleeping with somebody is all about the 2 persons making love to each other, not one making love and the other having sex. does he have any idea why you don´t want to have a relationship with him...coz i think he wouldn´t like too much the reason. you will always be pressured to mantain a certain distance, to keep things the way they are, as good friends, but after having slept together, you will put yourself in very delicated situations.
it´s really up to you: if you manage to get passed his looks and learn to love him, then you should do it, if not, don´t! you´ll only ruin the relationship you have so far.
hope this helps! let me know what you decide!
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ARE YOU MAD!!! This man does not love you, he is fixated. If he loved you he would NOT be putting you under this pressure. He sees you as an emotional vulnerable woman who he can manipulate into have sex with him, and eventually he hopes marry him so he's not left to grow old alone. A friend's support should be give out of friendship, not as a means to blackmail you into sex and marraige!!!!
You have to sit him down and tell him that you are only prepared for a platonic friendship and if he can't cope with that, and stop pressuring you, then it would be best if you didn't see each other at all. Yes it will hurt him, but don't you think you are continually hurting him by giving him hope. If you can't be heartless about this then remind yourself that he will never be free to find true love with a woman who loves him back while he thinks there is any hope of you being with him. You have got to stop letting this man's fixature dictate your life. It is doing neither of you any good. You are being emotional blackmailed and kept in an emotional vulnerable position and he is continually living in hope that you will suddenly decide you are madly in love with him afterall.
Stop using him as a crutch, as I'm sure that you are flattered that someone is so obsessed with you. While you are using all your emotional energy on what to do about this bloke, you are cutting yourself from a: getting over your last bf, b: ever meeting anyone else. But this is not a good way to keep yourself safely off the market - it is just encouraging him.
Blaming his looks for you not finding him sexually attractive isn't fair. I've been out with ugly blokes and still found them a complete turn on. You just don't want to be with him!!!!!
Free both of you and get on with your lives. Separately!!!!!!
Hope this is not too harsh, but I am afraid that you will go and do something stupid - like sleep with him (cos it will only make his fixation worse!!!!)
Good luck and remember you are the most important person in your life - not him.
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If you are unsure, if you have doubts, the answer should always be no. Sounds to me like you know the answer but don't want to admit it.
If you sleep with him, it will lead him to believe he has a chance with you, which he doesn't. You and he seem like you both need a boost in your self esteem, and having sex will not give you that.
It's wonderful that he is such a good friend and stood by you when your rotten boyfriend wouldn't, but that doesn't mean you owe him anything other than good friendship in return. The fact that he is willing to take whatever he can get, to settle for less than he wants from you is a sign that he is fixated on you.
Do yourself and him a favour. Don't sleep with him! Neither of you should be settling for 'the next best thing'. he needs to go out and find a girl who feels as much for him as he does for her. And you should do the same. Good luck
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Hi Alberta,
I think the first think to do is think this whole situation through carefully (which I'm sure you've done already) You sound like you generally have a good relationship with this man, other than the fact that he is putting you under pressure which a friend shouldn't do. Maybe he realises what he's doing, maybe he is so infatuated with you that he truly does think think that it will solve his problems or make him happier.
Without preeching to you, which I certainly don't want to do, would it make a difference if he did have perfect skin? I think you have seen him as a friend for all these years and nothing else, and its hard to see friends as lovers once you have crossed a certain point. If I were in your place, I certainly would not sleep with him. Think how awful you will feel the next morning (if you're not sexually attracted to him then that 'oh my god' reaction would be natural) plus he may go on to ask you to do other things perfectly innocently because 'its better than nothing.'He also probably knows deep down that you don't fancy him etc as nothing has happened so far, so if you did do something then he will be getting mixed signals.
Yes he has been a good friend to you, as I'm sure you have to him, but you shouldn't be feeling bad as though you owe him something. maybe you could say to him that you only see him as a friend, and he means a lot to you in that role only, because it could spoil things if you slept together.
If he is a true friend, he will understand, he'll be hurt, but he should come to respect your decision (if that is your decision)
Hope this helps, sorry if you thought I was dictating to you of what to do!)
I’ve got a problem which I also wrote about it in a women’s forum (their replies are included), but I would like to have ‘YOUR’ opinions on it too ( as in a man’s point of view and perspective ).Thanks in advance. Here is what I wrote and its replies :
-------------------------
Hi everyone
I need your help on something which is on my mind lately. But I need to give you a flashback (2 years go)
I was madly in love with my bf , but it ended unfortunatly cause i thought that i had become pregnant ( although it was a wrong thought ) and he didn't support me .. just ended everything .at that point there was a guy who supported me all the way through the hard times.He has always been a good friend of mine and always said that my bf didn't deserve me. he is madly in love with me and has always been .He has even proposed to me several times. This guy is absolutely perfect regarding his education, job title and personality. the only problem is his looks . I am not picky at all , but he is so ugly that after all these years i haven't got used to it. His face skin has suffered from acnes and the trace has remained seriously. He is treatig his skin with the best doctors , but the results aren't very well... it's just that he isn't the kinda man i like regarding the visual part...
He is suffering alot from this fact that i don't want him as a lover and bf or husband... i can't answer his needs and i'm somehow still in love with my ex.
This good guy says that he can't have sex with anyone , since he loves me so much and lately i feel alot of pressure upon him... he loves to make love to me , but i can't . i feel that i can't make love to him, only sex there would be that i could give him ( very hard ...). since he's always been there for me.. do you think i should have sex with him even though i know i will never marry him or be his gf( lover?) he says it would be better than nothing .. even though i won't marry him. what should i do ?
Alberta
-----------------------
Hi there,
In my opinion you shouldn't sleep with him. It's great that he's stuck by you so much, and I'm sure you're flattered that he feels the way he does about you. However, to him, sex would mean an awful lot, and I think it would be unfair of you to have sex with him. It sounds as if he's already very emotionally attached to him, and having sex with him would make things worse for you and perhaps a lot harder for him, plus might also give him the wrong idea.
---------------------
hi alberta
my advice wud be DONT have sex with him coz has he ever had a gf b4 is he stil a virgin. if he is then he wants u to b his first time as u've been so close over the years. but after the sex he will want more and more b coz he wud b emotionally in love wiv u as u were his 1st love. But in the other hand, if he is not a virgin, and actually only wants sex, have u thought that he mite want sex wiv u as no one else wud have it wiv him, i dont no, im just guessing but if i were u i wouldnt. I no ur probably sensible but imagine if something went rong, and u got pregnant(touch wood this dont happen) and he was the father then u wud have to *** an item as u couldnt cope on ur own, (im assuming from the last prob)
hope this helps
---------------------
you definately shouldn´t...unless you like getting yourself into complicated situations. put it this way: for him: he´s definately in love with you, and by sleeping with you, he will only get more emotionally involved and will want more from you. he´ll get the idea you are willing to have a relationship with him, and you will end up feeling pressured, which will put an end to any kind of relationship you have with this guy. for you: i get the impression you feel you owe him this, as a reward for always being by your side, since you know that this is what he really wants, to make love to you. sleeping with somebody is all about the 2 persons making love to each other, not one making love and the other having sex. does he have any idea why you don´t want to have a relationship with him...coz i think he wouldn´t like too much the reason. you will always be pressured to mantain a certain distance, to keep things the way they are, as good friends, but after having slept together, you will put yourself in very delicated situations.
it´s really up to you: if you manage to get passed his looks and learn to love him, then you should do it, if not, don´t! you´ll only ruin the relationship you have so far.
hope this helps! let me know what you decide!
--------------------------
ARE YOU MAD!!! This man does not love you, he is fixated. If he loved you he would NOT be putting you under this pressure. He sees you as an emotional vulnerable woman who he can manipulate into have sex with him, and eventually he hopes marry him so he's not left to grow old alone. A friend's support should be give out of friendship, not as a means to blackmail you into sex and marraige!!!!
You have to sit him down and tell him that you are only prepared for a platonic friendship and if he can't cope with that, and stop pressuring you, then it would be best if you didn't see each other at all. Yes it will hurt him, but don't you think you are continually hurting him by giving him hope. If you can't be heartless about this then remind yourself that he will never be free to find true love with a woman who loves him back while he thinks there is any hope of you being with him. You have got to stop letting this man's fixature dictate your life. It is doing neither of you any good. You are being emotional blackmailed and kept in an emotional vulnerable position and he is continually living in hope that you will suddenly decide you are madly in love with him afterall.
Stop using him as a crutch, as I'm sure that you are flattered that someone is so obsessed with you. While you are using all your emotional energy on what to do about this bloke, you are cutting yourself from a: getting over your last bf, b: ever meeting anyone else. But this is not a good way to keep yourself safely off the market - it is just encouraging him.
Blaming his looks for you not finding him sexually attractive isn't fair. I've been out with ugly blokes and still found them a complete turn on. You just don't want to be with him!!!!!
Free both of you and get on with your lives. Separately!!!!!!
Hope this is not too harsh, but I am afraid that you will go and do something stupid - like sleep with him (cos it will only make his fixation worse!!!!)
Good luck and remember you are the most important person in your life - not him.
------------------------
If you are unsure, if you have doubts, the answer should always be no. Sounds to me like you know the answer but don't want to admit it.
If you sleep with him, it will lead him to believe he has a chance with you, which he doesn't. You and he seem like you both need a boost in your self esteem, and having sex will not give you that.
It's wonderful that he is such a good friend and stood by you when your rotten boyfriend wouldn't, but that doesn't mean you owe him anything other than good friendship in return. The fact that he is willing to take whatever he can get, to settle for less than he wants from you is a sign that he is fixated on you.
Do yourself and him a favour. Don't sleep with him! Neither of you should be settling for 'the next best thing'. he needs to go out and find a girl who feels as much for him as he does for her. And you should do the same. Good luck
--------------------
Hi Alberta,
I think the first think to do is think this whole situation through carefully (which I'm sure you've done already) You sound like you generally have a good relationship with this man, other than the fact that he is putting you under pressure which a friend shouldn't do. Maybe he realises what he's doing, maybe he is so infatuated with you that he truly does think think that it will solve his problems or make him happier.
Without preeching to you, which I certainly don't want to do, would it make a difference if he did have perfect skin? I think you have seen him as a friend for all these years and nothing else, and its hard to see friends as lovers once you have crossed a certain point. If I were in your place, I certainly would not sleep with him. Think how awful you will feel the next morning (if you're not sexually attracted to him then that 'oh my god' reaction would be natural) plus he may go on to ask you to do other things perfectly innocently because 'its better than nothing.'He also probably knows deep down that you don't fancy him etc as nothing has happened so far, so if you did do something then he will be getting mixed signals.
Yes he has been a good friend to you, as I'm sure you have to him, but you shouldn't be feeling bad as though you owe him something. maybe you could say to him that you only see him as a friend, and he means a lot to you in that role only, because it could spoil things if you slept together.
If he is a true friend, he will understand, he'll be hurt, but he should come to respect your decision (if that is your decision)
Hope this helps, sorry if you thought I was dictating to you of what to do!)
