She paid for hotel rooms to see me, then 4 years of silence. Now she's back.

[quentin]

Hey everyone,

I've been reading this forum for a while, and it helped me a lot at certain points in my life. Today it's my turn to share a story, because I need some outside perspective.

Let me say this upfront: I've got the situation under control and I'm clear-headed about it. I'm not getting ahead of myself and I'm not trying to win her back. I just want to understand what's going on in her head, and above all hear from the veterans here who've been through something similar.

The background

Let's call her Teresa. A very charming woman. I met her at a professional training program that ran for several weeks. We got to know each other, went out with the group, nothing special.

One night, she drank way too much. I offered to walk her back, no ulterior motive: as far as I was concerned, I had no chance with her. We ended up in my hotel room, and I told her it was just so she could sleep somewhere safe. She tried to sleep with me 3 or 4 times. I said no every time, she wasn't in a state to decide. Nothing happened that night.

What happened next

The weeks went by, the training continued… and what was bound to happen, happened. We slept together. Then again. And again. She even paid for hotel rooms herself so we could spend more time together. Important detail: she was in a relationship the whole time.

When the program ended, we called each other often and talked about meeting up. But when it came time to choose, she never took the step. No clear answer, and I got fed up with the ambiguity. In the end, she stayed with her boyfriend.

Where things stand now

It's been 4 years. 4 years without a single message or call. We both moved on with our lives.

And now she's reached out. When I asked her why now, she said she came across one of my YouTube videos and it made her want to get back in touch.

We've talked a bit since then. As it happens, I'll be passing through the city where she lives soon, so I asked her straight out: "Come on, let's grab a drink." I plan to go.

I'm not expecting anything in particular. Whatever happens, happens. I don't have an opinion on it either way.

What I'd like to understand

She has everything: security, a boyfriend who seems like a decent guy, a stable life. That was true 4 years ago, and it's still true today. Back then, she still went looking for an affair on the side before choosing stability.

And today, with all of that, she's coming back anyway.

That's the thought process I'd like to understand. How do you read all this, those of you with more experience?

I know my post is vague on some points. Ask me anything and I'll answer. The goal is to talk it through and learn from your experiences, not to judge.

Thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time.

 

[Prepostereax]

Stop it
Here's your problem

I just want to understand what's going on in her head

She doesn’t even know what's going on inside her own head, so neither you nor anyone else has a hope
But guaranteed it's more to do with something going on in her life, far less than you

We could have fun speculating what that might be.
My guess is it's something to do with her situation with her b/f
In which case you'll never get the answer because she probably won't even admit it to herself let alone a 3rd party

 

[quentin]

Stop it
Here's your problem

She doesn’t even know what's going on inside her own head, so neither you nor anyone else has a hope
But guaranteed it's more to do with something going on in her life, far less than you

We could have fun speculating what that might be.
My guess is it's something to do with her situation with her b/f
In which case you'll never get the answer because she probably won't even admit it to herself let alone a 3rd party

Women are amazing, and it's true that you've summed up the situation very well. If she doesn't even know what's going on herself, there's no way for us to know. But that was exactly the point of my post to speculate and find out if other people had gone through the same thing.

 

[Divorced w 3]

A similar thing happened to me a few months ago. I told her what I was up for but she wanted the full nine yards, dinner drinks etc so I was not the right guy. She was just out of a relationship and looking for not just a rebound but another relationship.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

She is bored. She has lost respect over time for her boyfriend and wants to both have excitement while still having the security and comfortable feeling she has for him, even if she may not fully want him.

Some combination of those is likely at play.

 

[RoadKing_Rabbit]

Women are amazing, and it's true that you've summed up the situation very well. If she doesn't even know what's going on herself, there's no way for us to know. But that was exactly the point of my post to speculate and find out if other people had gone through the same thing.

This happens to all of us all the time. Whether you're talking to a stranger woman in a supermarket or at the bar or having the most mundane of conversations with a loving wife. Sisters, cashiers, waitresses, it happens to all of us. It's easy to forget sometimes that we don't know and should stress too much about figuring everything out.

It's a part of learning how to get along with the opposite s3x. It could be something as small as her forgetting to do something and then she spirals into "I'm 36, I'm getting brain fog already! This isn't good!" It could also be that she's asked you about 3 times to do something in a week and you have had other priorities. It could be that she saw a cute guy at the store and doesn't know how to feel about her thinking he was cute. Some of it can be a big deal, but most of the time it's not.

One of the core wrenches in the works is that we're too often told that everyone is the same or 'blank slate equals.' Who has a cleaner mind, a man or a woman? Woman. She changes it more often. It's a joke, but fair. If she's acting irrational and for want of a better word 'craycray,' just wait it out. She'll get in another mood.

Trying to figure out exactly what a woman is on about is a pretty grueling task. If she's easy to be around and both of you enjoy each others company, do these things or moments of confusion that come up really matter? No. Now if it's so confusing, but she's nice and sweet SOMETIMES, and she's really hot and she sometimes yells and throws things or has to complain and nag you, should figuring her out matter in this scenario either? Again, the answer is no.

You like her, she likes you, ya'll do you! She's a headache from complaining about you, so no can do!

 

[The Duke]

I've seen this play out many times for many different reasons. Here are a few of my experiences:

(Girl A.) Met a girl on a Sunday nite at a low-key bar. There was a super strong connection and we hit it off very well. We danced, sang karaoke together, grabbed each others body parts, and kissed several times. When its time to part ways, I tried to go back to her hotel room as she was visiting from out of state but she turned me down because she was leaving early the next morning and had her friend with her. She gives me her phone number and then tells me she was married. We texted a bit but the "married" part killed it for me. I confirmed she was married and looked up her social media.

This girl appeared to have a great relationship with her husband, yet that obviously wasn't the case. I think this chic wasn't quite happy at home but wasn't ready to leave and break up her family either. The attention she got from me filled the void. She got to feel like she was with the right guy even if it was just for the night. I was her escape.

(Girl B.) This was the hottest chic I've ever been with and was a swimsuit model for Hawaiian Tropic. We dated 3 different times over 2.5years. The attraction was there, however I later figured out that this girl was never satisfied with the same guy. We knew each other for almost 16yrs and stayed in touch off and on before she died. She was never a cheater, and I wouldn't call her a wh0re either. But she did end up with 6 exhusbands. I was one of 3 boyfriends between the 6 husbands. She would recycle all of us guys. Her mother also had 6 exhusbands.

I think a former guy accepting her back provided the validation she craved. It was also convenient. I'm guessing there was some guilt regarding her actions that ended many of her relationships and she could make it better going back to them.

(Girl C.) I have another former girlfriend that lived with me that is now married and still reaches out to me every few years. I finally told her she needed to get things right in her relationship. She would come back to me if I asked her tomorrow. Why does she do it? She picked the wrong guy to marry. He filled a void in her life after we split up. He was the safety net that had money and was nice.

(Guy D.) I have a good friend that has cheated on his wife multiple times and been caught once. He usually does it because some of his needs aren't getting met at home. On the surface he appears to have the perfect family. He is also the type that should of never married but did because he thought that was the right thing to do after knocking the girl up. So he settles down with women that he isn't 100% in alignment with and it causes him to look for something else at times.

Careful thinking that "She has everything: security, a boyfriend who seems like a decent guy, a stable life. That was true 4 years ago, and it's still true today. Back then, she still went looking for an affair on the side before choosing stability." People thought that about my exwife and I. You never really know just by driving by, you have to go inside to know for sure.

Most people are looking to fill voids. Its pretty rare to find a significant other that fills every thing you need filled and you do the same for them.

After you spend enough time in this game and have a long list of girlfriends and many who reach back out over the years(I've got a few more I could tell you about), you see how much of an impact you made in someones life. I looked at a lot of my relationships as fun times and hot sex, but obviously it went deeper than that. A lot of people spend their whole life searching for the perfect person to do life with, most of the time they never find it so they seek out others to fill those voids.

 

[Dash Riprock]

OP, you're thinking like a man to try to understand a woman. Take a page out of the opponent's playbook and realize women are not logical but very emotional creatures. What feels good to her today, she may be 100% against tomorrow. That's why women flake and cancel so many dates which pisses men off. They may have thought the date was a good idea on Monday but come Friday, not so much, so she flakes. They have 1000 thoughts running though their mind at any given time.

So see it from her perspective: she saw a YouTube video, felt sentimental, reached out, and you responded. Now, try to get her to commit to meet you weeks down the road? Big odds against. Or, she'll say yes and then cancel day-of or an hour before, which is much more likely.

So moral of the story is, if you want to understand women, try to think like one and base all your decisions on what feels good here and now, not in the future, and then do it.

There’s your answer. Good luck.

 

[HaleyBaron]

Women act like children and hold no accountability for their actions. They don't think into the future like men do. They are too emotional and too impulsive. That's why you never let a woman lead. It was never about being sexist. They're just not good at keeping a plan.

 

[quentin]

A similar thing happened to me a few months ago. I told her what I was up for but she wanted the full nine yards, dinner drinks etc so I was not the right guy. She was just out of a relationship and looking for not just a rebound but another relationship.

I don't get it, it's not the same thing. She has a boyfriend, and she wants to see me again.

 

[quentin]

She is bored. She has lost respect over time for her boyfriend and wants to both have excitement while still having the security and comfortable feeling she has for him, even if she may not fully want him.

Some combination of those is likely at play.

That's how I see it, too similar things have happened to me, but this time it's more telling,

this situation is crazy

 

[quentin]

This happens to all of us all the time. Whether you're talking to a stranger woman in a supermarket or at the bar or having the most mundane of conversations with a loving wife. Sisters, cashiers, waitresses, it happens to all of us. It's easy to forget sometimes that we don't know and should stress too much about figuring everything out.

It's a part of learning how to get along with the opposite s3x. It could be something as small as her forgetting to do something and then she spirals into "I'm 36, I'm getting brain fog already! This isn't good!" It could also be that she's asked you about 3 times to do something in a week and you have had other priorities. It could be that she saw a cute guy at the store and doesn't know how to feel about her thinking he was cute. Some of it can be a big deal, but most of the time it's not.

One of the core wrenches in the works is that we're too often told that everyone is the same or 'blank slate equals.' Who has a cleaner mind, a man or a woman? Woman. She changes it more often. It's a joke, but fair. If she's acting irrational and for want of a better word 'craycray,' just wait it out. She'll get in another mood.

Trying to figure out exactly what a woman is on about is a pretty grueling task. If she's easy to be around and both of you enjoy each others company, do these things or moments of confusion that come up really matter? No. Now if it's so confusing, but she's nice and sweet SOMETIMES, and she's really hot and she sometimes yells and throws things or has to complain and nag you, should figuring her out matter in this scenario either? Again, the answer is no.

You like her, she likes you, ya'll do you! She's a headache from complaining about you, so no can do!

I really like you, man

but that doesn't actually answer my question, lol

even though what you said is always spot on,

how are you, by the way?

 

[quentin]

I've seen this play out many times for many different reasons. Here are a few of my experiences:

(Girl A.) Met a girl on a Sunday nite at a low-key bar. There was a super strong connection and we hit it off very well. We danced, sang karaoke together, grabbed each others body parts, and kissed several times. When its time to part ways, I tried to go back to her hotel room as she was visiting from out of state but she turned me down because she was leaving early the next morning and had her friend with her. She gives me her phone number and then tells me she was married. We texted a bit but the "married" part killed it for me. I confirmed she was married and looked up her social media.

This girl appeared to have a great relationship with her husband, yet that obviously wasn't the case. I think this chic wasn't quite happy at home but wasn't ready to leave and break up her family either. The attention she got from me filled the void. She got to feel like she was with the right guy even if it was just for the night. I was her escape.

(Girl B.) This was the hottest chic I've ever been with and was a swimsuit model for Hawaiian Tropic. We dated 3 different times over 2.5years. The attraction was there, however I later figured out that this girl was never satisfied with the same guy. We knew each other for almost 16yrs and stayed in touch off and on before she died. She was never a cheater, and I wouldn't call her a wh0re either. But she did end up with 6 exhusbands. I was one of 3 boyfriends between the 6 husbands. She would recycle all of us guys. Her mother also had 6 exhusbands.

I think a former guy accepting her back provided the validation she craved. It was also convenient. I'm guessing there was some guilt regarding her actions that ended many of her relationships and she could make it better going back to them.

(Girl C.) I have another former girlfriend that lived with me that is now married and still reaches out to me every few years. I finally told her she needed to get things right in her relationship. She would come back to me if I asked her tomorrow. Why does she do it? She picked the wrong guy to marry. He filled a void in her life after we split up. He was the safety net that had money and was nice.

(Guy D.) I have a good friend that has cheated on his wife multiple times and been caught once. He usually does it because some of his needs aren't getting met at home. On the surface he appears to have the perfect family. He is also the type that should of never married but did because he thought that was the right thing to do after knocking the girl up. So he settles down with women that he isn't 100% in alignment with and it causes him to look for something else at times.

Careful thinking that "She has everything: security, a boyfriend who seems like a decent guy, a stable life. That was true 4 years ago, and it's still true today. Back then, she still went looking for an affair on the side before choosing stability." People thought that about my exwife and I. You never really know just by driving by, you have to go inside to know for sure.

Most people are looking to fill voids. Its pretty rare to find a significant other that fills every thing you need filled and you do the same for them.

After you spend enough time in this game and have a long list of girlfriends and many who reach back out over the years(I've got a few more I could tell you about), you see how much of an impact you made in someones life. I looked at a lot of my relationships as fun times and hot sex, but obviously it went deeper than that. A lot of people spend their whole life searching for the perfect person to do life with, most of the time they never find it so they seek out others to fill those voids.

So, for her, he fills a void that she doesn't have with him?

I think I'm leaning toward that explanation, too.

The thing is four years have gone by.

I also liked the idea that she still needs my validation. She clearly told me that I was the ideal man, that I was the perfect man almost like Clark Ken, if you will.

 

[quentin]

OP, you're thinking like a man to try to understand a woman. Take a page out of the opponent's playbook and realize women are not logical but very emotional creatures. What feels good to her today, she may be 100% against tomorrow. That's why women flake and cancel so many dates which pisses men off. They may have thought the date was a good idea on Monday but come Friday, not so much, so she flakes. They have 1000 thoughts running though their mind at any given time.

So see it from her perspective: she saw a YouTube video, felt sentimental, reached out, and you responded. Now, try to get her to commit to meet you weeks down the road? Big odds against. Or, she'll say yes and then cancel day-of or an hour before, which is much more likely.

So moral of the story is, if you want to understand women, try to think like one and base all your decisions on what feels good here and now, not in the future, and then do it.

There’s your answer. Good luck.

Damn, I love this damn message hell yeah, that's it!

 

[quentin]

Women act like children and hold no accountability for their actions. They don't think into the future like men do. They are too emotional and too impulsive. That's why you never let a woman lead. It was never about being sexist. They're just not good at keeping a plan.

That's a great point I really like it, thanks! It's cool to read your thoughts.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I don't get it, it's not the same thing. She has a boyfriend, and she wants to see me again.

Okay so I’ll give you some tough love. If you want to get your d1ck wet, stop overthinking it, and go out with her. As long as she’s not ambushing you with an angry husband back at the hotel, none of it really matters.

 

[Bokanovsky]

She has everything: security, a boyfriend who seems like a decent guy, a stable life. That was true 4 years ago, and it's still true today. Back then, she still went looking for an affair on the side before choosing stability.

And today, with all of that, she's coming back anyway.

That's the thought process I'd like to understand. How do you read all this, those of you with more experience?

She is bored in her relationship and she doesn't love or respect her boyfriend, notwithstanding the fact that he may be a decent guy who provides here with a stable life. Nothing surprising about this at all. This is how people cheat.

 

[BPH]

@quentin you've already gotten some really good answers from a lot of experienced members, so I'll leave you to it. I just wanted to stop by to let you know you can multi-quote by clicking "Reply" on each post, answering, then replying to the next person, rather than making a full response for each reply and posting 5 times in a row.

Makes things easier to read. That is all.