Ridiculous POF date

[Zarky]

I went out on yet another POF first date tonight. This chick was early 40s and made it clear early on that she was DTF so I agreed to meet her. She moved from London to Southern Cal about 10 years ago. British accent.

So we meet at a bar. We're making standard first-date small talk and she pounds 6 glasses of white wine, one after the other. I usually have to encourage chicks to drink, but by the time she was on her 6th I suggested she stop because she was clearly f*cked up.

After that she grabs me and starts making out with me at the bar. It wasn't a dive bar but a decent place where people were eating right next to us and she's tonguing me down right there.

Then she goes, "So are you gonna f*ck me, huh huh huh? Are you, huh huh?" I go "ok." She's like "I have a Victoria's Secret body you know." I go "Ok let's leave."

So we leave. She can barely walk out of the place. People are staring as we leave. I drive her home, which fortunately isn't far away.

We get to her place and she starts getting bossy and belligerent. She can't find her keys, then we find the keys and she can't find the one that fits her door. I can't either. Then she opens the gate and it hits me in the face. Then she falls against the door and slams her skull into it.

Finally we have to climb a fence into her back yard. She can't get any doors open so we walk up to this open window. She takes all her clothes off outside and pulls me down next to what smelled like a pile of fertilizer and goes, "F*ck me f*ck me now now nowwww." So I sort of did there on this dirty outdoor patio, with my knees digging into the dirty concrete. But despite the fact that her body was indeed very nice, I was rapidly going limp.

So I pulled her up to get her in through the window. Took like 10 minutes she was so drunk. I then went in. At this point I wasn't sure if this was even her place and I had visions of some dude coming down the hallway with a baseball bat so my d*ck was practically inside me. :nervous:

I had forgotten my sunglasses were on the top of my head and when I went through the window they fell down onto my face. She grabbed them and threw them against the wall. These are $100 Oakleys so I was pissed and picked them up off the floor. :trouble:

We got into what I assume was her bedroom and there were three huge Dobermans in crates that started barking and clawing at the bars as soon as they saw us. She let one out and it immediately jumped on the bed and started gnawing on a rawhide thing. She was shouting at the dog "Get off!!! Get off the bed!!" but it didn't budge.

Then she pulled me onto the bed and started going down on me, but at this point Mr. Happy wanted nothing to do with the situation. The dogs were continuously barking like crazy and biting at the cage doors and I was starting to get a headache.

Then suddenly the front door opened and her female roommate came walking in and looked in her bedroom and said "Are you ok in here?" and she shouted "Get out, get out!! I'm naked!!!"

Then the dog got up and started licking my shoulders and face and snuggling up against my bare ass. The other dogs were still barking. After a few minutes of this I told her I had to go because this situation was too f*cked up. She said "Fine, go then!!" and tried to get up but fell over and slammed her head into the side of the headboard. I put on my clothes and left and hauled ass home. Fortunately I don't think I left anything there.

HOWEVER, despite all that, I was inside her for about 30 seconds on the patio so it does add to my tally. 5 more lays to get my "40 by 40 badge." :rockon:

 

[Greasy Pig]

That's one of the funniest fvcking things I've heard.
Classic.

I once rooted a 50yo cougar who had a fvcking dog in the room.
Firstly she started pyssing in the toilet and called me in so she could suck my dyck as she was pyssing.
Then I took her to the bed and started pounding her. The whole time this little white dog was on the bed barking its fvcking head off.

I blew my load, told her I was going outside for a smoke and hauled arse down the street where I called a cab.

 

[Harms]

Awesome read. Sounds like a comedy film.

 

[snowdog]

I went out on yet another POF first date tonight. This chick was early 40s and made it clear early on that she was DTF so I agreed to meet her. She moved from London to Southern Cal about 10 years ago. British accent.

So we meet at a bar. We're making standard first-date small talk and she pounds 6 glasses of white wine, one after the other. I usually have to encourage chicks to drink, but by the time she was on her 6th I suggested she stop because she was clearly f*cked up.

After that she grabs me and starts making out with me at the bar. It wasn't a dive bar but a decent place where people were eating right next to us and she's tonguing me down right there.

Then she goes, "So are you gonna f*ck me, huh huh huh? Are you, huh huh?" I go "ok." She's like "I have a Victoria's Secret body you know." I go "Ok let's leave."

So we leave. She can barely walk out of the place. People are staring as we leave. I drive her home, which fortunately isn't far away.

We get to her place and she starts getting bossy and belligerent. She can't find her keys, then we find the keys and she can't find the one that fits her door. I can't either. Then she opens the gate and it hits me in the face. Then she falls against the door and slams her skull into it.

Finally we have to climb a fence into her back yard. She can't get any doors open so we walk up to this open window. She takes all her clothes off outside and pulls me down next to what smelled like a pile of fertilizer and goes, "F*ck me f*ck me now now nowwww." So I sort of did there on this dirty outdoor patio, with my knees digging into the dirty concrete. But despite the fact that her body was indeed very nice, I was rapidly going limp.

So I pulled her up to get her in through the window. Took like 10 minutes she was so drunk. I then went in. At this point I wasn't sure if this was even her place and I had visions of some dude coming down the hallway with a baseball bat so my d*ck was practically inside me. :nervous:

I had forgotten my sunglasses were on the top of my head and when I went through the window they fell down onto my face. She grabbed them and threw them against the wall. These are $100 Oakleys so I was pissed and picked them up off the floor. :trouble:

We got into what I assume was her bedroom and there were three huge Dobermans in crates that started barking and clawing at the bars as soon as they saw us. She let one out and it immediately jumped on the bed and started gnawing on a rawhide thing. She was shouting at the dog "Get off!!! Get off the bed!!" but it didn't budge.

Then she pulled me onto the bed and started going down on me, but at this point Mr. Happy wanted nothing to do with the situation. The dogs were continuously barking like crazy and biting at the cage doors and I was starting to get a headache.

Then suddenly the front door opened and her female roommate came walking in and looked in her bedroom and said "Are you ok in here?" and she shouted "Get out, get out!! I'm naked!!!"

Then the dog got up and started licking my shoulders and face and snuggling up against my bare ass. The other dogs were still barking. After a few minutes of this I told her I had to go because this situation was too f*cked up. She said "Fine, go then!!" and tried to get up but fell over and slammed her head into the side of the headboard. I put on my clothes and left and hauled ass home. Fortunately I don't think I left anything there.

HOWEVER, despite all that, I was inside her for about 30 seconds on the patio so it does add to my tally. 5 more lays to get my "40 by 40 badge." :rockon:

Hahahahahahaha god damn! That's some story.

 

[GotED?]

Sounds like you GOT ERECTILE DYSFUNCTIONAL issues ?? hahahaha

 

[LuisGarcia10]

Absolute quality.

 

[zekko]

Funny story, but at least you increased your number toward your "40 by 40" goal, right?

 

[PDubb75]

LMAO.... This sounded like an episode of 'Louie'. Hilarious.

 

[cordoncordon]

Hilarious. Though I told you this in your other thread and I will tell you again. Is this kind of thing really what you want? Low class skanks that yeah, will fvck on the first date, but who bring this kind of baggage to the table?

I've been through all of that, and trust me it is not worth it in the least. All you will be in the end is a depressed man ***** who will at some point stop and ask himself "wtf am I doing"?

Go after a better class of woman bro. Yeah, they may not sleep with you on the first date. Some still will. But the other things they bring to the table will be so much more worth it than this crap you went through last night.

 

[PDubb75]

Hilarious. Though I told you this in your other thread and I will tell you again. Is this kind of thing really what you want? Low class skanks that yeah, will fvck in the first date, but who bring this kind of baggage to the table?

I've been through all of that, and trust me it is not worth it in the least. All you will be in the end is a depressed man ***** who will at some point stop and ask himself "wtf am I doing"?

Go after a better class of woman bro. Yeah, they may not sleep with you on the first date. Some still will. But the other things they bring to the table will be so much more worth it than this crap you went through last night.

Haha, don't waste your time man. He's on a "40 by 40" mission and I don't think anything will derail him! But this seems to be what he wants, so more power to him.

I'm with you, but it really is personal preference.

 

[TRSX]

wow haha this is epic.

.. dear penthouse ...

 

[Naughty Ninja]

I went out on yet another POF first date tonight. This chick was early 40s and made it clear early on that she was DTF so I agreed to meet her. She moved from London to Southern Cal about 10 years ago. British accent.

So we meet at a bar. We're making standard first-date small talk and she pounds 6 glasses of white wine, one after the other. I usually have to encourage chicks to drink, but by the time she was on her 6th I suggested she stop because she was clearly f*cked up.

After that she grabs me and starts making out with me at the bar. It wasn't a dive bar but a decent place where people were eating right next to us and she's tonguing me down right there.

Then she goes, "So are you gonna f*ck me, huh huh huh? Are you, huh huh?" I go "ok." She's like "I have a Victoria's Secret body you know." I go "Ok let's leave."

So we leave. She can barely walk out of the place. People are staring as we leave. I drive her home, which fortunately isn't far away.

We get to her place and she starts getting bossy and belligerent. She can't find her keys, then we find the keys and she can't find the one that fits her door. I can't either. Then she opens the gate and it hits me in the face. Then she falls against the door and slams her skull into it.

Finally we have to climb a fence into her back yard. She can't get any doors open so we walk up to this open window. She takes all her clothes off outside and pulls me down next to what smelled like a pile of fertilizer and goes, "F*ck me f*ck me now now nowwww." So I sort of did there on this dirty outdoor patio, with my knees digging into the dirty concrete. But despite the fact that her body was indeed very nice, I was rapidly going limp.

So I pulled her up to get her in through the window. Took like 10 minutes she was so drunk. I then went in. At this point I wasn't sure if this was even her place and I had visions of some dude coming down the hallway with a baseball bat so my d*ck was practically inside me. :nervous:

I had forgotten my sunglasses were on the top of my head and when I went through the window they fell down onto my face. She grabbed them and threw them against the wall. These are $100 Oakleys so I was pissed and picked them up off the floor. :trouble:

We got into what I assume was her bedroom and there were three huge Dobermans in crates that started barking and clawing at the bars as soon as they saw us. She let one out and it immediately jumped on the bed and started gnawing on a rawhide thing. She was shouting at the dog "Get off!!! Get off the bed!!" but it didn't budge.

Then she pulled me onto the bed and started going down on me, but at this point Mr. Happy wanted nothing to do with the situation. The dogs were continuously barking like crazy and biting at the cage doors and I was starting to get a headache.

Then suddenly the front door opened and her female roommate came walking in and looked in her bedroom and said "Are you ok in here?" and she shouted "Get out, get out!! I'm naked!!!"

Then the dog got up and started licking my shoulders and face and snuggling up against my bare ass. The other dogs were still barking. After a few minutes of this I told her I had to go because this situation was too f*cked up. She said "Fine, go then!!" and tried to get up but fell over and slammed her head into the side of the headboard. I put on my clothes and left and hauled ass home. Fortunately I don't think I left anything there.

HOWEVER, despite all that, I was inside her for about 30 seconds on the patio so it does add to my tally. 5 more lays to get my "40 by 40 badge." :rockon:

LMAO! If you're making the story up, good comedy writing skills! lol. But then again I wouldn't be surprised in the least if the story was true as this is definately the type of woman on POF.

The site is literally crawling with these type all over. Doesn't matter what state or if it's the U.S, Canada, or U.K., doesn't matter how well the profile is written, doesn't matter how 'wholesome' she may look in her pictures.. POF is nothing more than the new Adult Friend Finder whack job magnet. Only use it to find, fvck, then GTFO never to be seen again. Seriously.

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

Is ***** so scarce that you had to go through all this (Your that desperate or she was that fine). I would've been straight after I seen her climbing fences and stuff. Plus that pu$$y was too easy. Go get tested dude, I hope you didn't screw her raw.

 

[Solomon]

ROFLLLLLLLLL @ this story

Plenty of ****ery b.s. go on Skout Zarky the girls will invite you straight to their house or come over to yours

Epic story though

 

[nice_guyeh]

lmfao that cracked me up

 

[Zarky]

The story was absolutely true. Once I unlock my "40-by-40" achievement, I may tone it down a little.

But come on, I've got other "normal" relps, these POF first-night lays are purely for sport and fun. I'm not exactly looking for a wife.

Although, from a previous post of mine, here are sex goals I thought up for the average guy to strive for:

5 (lays) x (age) 20
20x30
40x40
75x50
100xdeath

I missed the first two achievements. I had 1 by 20 and 11 by 30, so I really want that third achievement. Then once I get my 40x40, I then need 35 more in the next decade to hit the next achievement. And then 25 more before I die to get the Grand Achievement 100 lifetime lays (you get a special ribbon).

So who knows, all this goofiness may keep going for awhile.

 

[Desdinova]

You NEED to take her out on a second date.

 

[Zarky]

^^^All right I contacted her. She seemed pissed but apologetic. I'm not sure she's able to get past the part where I drove her home then left, because she had to call a cab to get her car this morning, and her clothes were in the back yard in a pile of fertilizer and she says she doesn't remember most of the evening.

 

[Purefilth]

C

The story was absolutely true. Once I unlock my "40-by-40" achievement, I may tone it down a little.

But come on, I've got other "normal" relps, these POF first-night lays are purely for sport and fun. I'm not exactly looking for a wife.

Although, from a previous post of mine, here are sex goals I thought up for the average guy to strive for:

5 (lays) x (age) 20check
20x30check
40x40Yaay nearly there
75x50
100xdeath

I missed the first two achievements. I had 1 by 20 and 11 by 30, so I really want that third achievement. Then once I get my 40x40, I then need 35 more in the next decade to hit the next achievement. And then 25 more before I die to get the Grand Achievement 100 lifetime lays (you get a special ribbon).

So who knows, all this goofiness may keep going for awhile.

WHO DO I GO TO FOR THE RIBBON?

 

[Jair213]

epic