Reviving a flagging relationship

[upcoming_DJ]

Hey DJs!

I have been dating this girl for 7 months already, and we've had our fair share of ups and downs!

however, I have noticed some red flags lately;

• she no longer calls or texts me with the same frequency as she use to
• she is online on WhatsApp sometimes all day or late at night and not talking to me
• she continues to do what I've voice my displeasure on (I see it as disrespect and tests)
• "dread" isn't doing much for me at this time - thinking very hard now if I should just cut my losses
• she just bought her Argentina visa and plane ticket to join me on a trip in September for 1 week! despite us having some trying times now
• I've tried to explain to her from a non-needy frame what I've come to learn and expect from women, and that genuine desire is not something I negotiate
• I remind her that the door is there and she can walk out anytime she wants
• she had refrained from putting up photos of us on her social media up until I personally uploaded one of us to her facebook
• she says that she doesn't know if she will ever be enough for me (I neg her as per dread)
• in Mexico City last week, she would walk in front of me with my colleague. I explained to her that this is not normal behavior of a girlfriend or woman in love. I told her that these things are very telling, and that if she is doing them as tests that she should stop (nip it in the butt)
• I had gone through her phone and didn't find anything incriminating - no guy under her "recents" in WhatsApp and no weird messages on searches on Instagram or DM. However, I find an old conversation between her and her last fling before me - where she upfront told the guy "Leave me alone ______. You had your chance.". Weird enough, I noticed she searched him up Facebook (he wasn't there some weeks ago when I searched for myself using her phone). So maybe she is keeping tabs on him?
• She says she hardly communicates anymore because she hardly gets a reply from me. I told her during the week I'm on my purpose and grind, and that she has my undivided time and attention on weekends. I told her this won't change, but I will try to keep in touch more often during the week
• when she does contact me, it's for something unrelated and nothing to do with us (nothing personal). I don't even get a "hey baby" "good morning" or whatever before she tells me or asks me what she has on mind
• I've learn that women are the ones who "maintain" the relationship - and when they feel their men slipping or losing interest, this anxiety causes them to try and fix things. I don't that with her any longer.

I don't want to look or act needy and I don't want to have any approval seeking behaviors.

also, it doesn't help that we're 2 hours away from each other. so I understand that I am in a position to be cheated on!

 

[wifehunter]

move on

 

[R.U.G.]

Hey DJs!

I have been dating this girl for 7 months already, and we've had our fair share of ups and downs!

however, I have noticed some red flags lately;

• she no longer calls or texts me with the same frequency as she use to
• she is online on WhatsApp sometimes all day or late at night and not talking to me
• she continues to do what I've voice my displeasure on (I see it as disrespect and tests)
• "dread" isn't doing much for me at this time - thinking very hard now if I should just cut my losses
• she just bought her Argentina visa and plane ticket to join me on a trip in September for 1 week! despite us having some trying times now
• I've tried to explain to her from a non-needy frame what I've come to learn and expect from women, and that genuine desire is not something I negotiate
• I remind her that the door is there and she can walk out anytime she wants
• she had refrained from putting up photos of us on her social media u

Stop chasing. Go no contact. If she contacts you again, tell her to come over and when she comes over, ask her what are you going to do to make it up to me? She'll say, what do you mean? You disappeared. She'll then say IDK. Raise your eye brow and smirk. I think you can think of something. If not, show her the door; literally.

 

[Billtx49]

She’s todays independant woman, but it sounds like she’s already moved half way out the door…
Stop looking through her phone. If she’s experienced at cheating, you won’t find anything there. Evaluate her behavior for non interest level…

 

[marmel75]

She is rolling your eyes at you when you arr lecturing her like her parents on what is and isnt acceptable behavior. She knows what is and isnt acceptable and that is why she is doing it. To get under your skin.

Cut your losses after your trip if nothing changes.

 

[upcoming_DJ]

It's over

She is rolling your eyes at you when you arr lecturing her like her parents on what is and isnt acceptable behavior. She knows what is and isnt acceptable and that is why she is doing it. To get under your skin.

Cut your losses after your trip if nothing changes.

this is along the lines what I've been thinking. I've shown her what gets under my skin and she is using that against me. I need to get back to being indifferent and outcome dependent. Keeping tabs for now - I believe its over when we're back though. Her attitude is telling. "The Medium is the Message".

 

[upcoming_DJ]

It's over

even if I run game and disappear? you think? it's tough. but not at all impossible. I am preparing for the end. I won't say anything, I'll just disappear.

 

[Billtx49]

I won't say anything, I'll just disappear.

At this point that’s your best choice, if she gets her act together and comes back or she doesn’t, it’s a win/win for you…

 

[mrgoodstuff]

You'd have to cheat

This will actually revive interest if there is glimmers of it. They can sense it in your voice and presense.

 

[upcoming_DJ]

@BeExcellent any last word from the wise old lady? thanks !

 

[BeExcellent]

Here's the interesting thing. Maybe this is it...maybe not...but give this a thought:

When you first meet someone it's heady right? It's butterflies, it's crazy wild desire, it's heat and passion and the rush right?

That's infatuation. It passes. As the infatuation fades and all the hazy blinding glow of infatuation clears you begin to see your partner as they actually are rather than how you idealized them in the heady initial phases.

At the same time you are spending more time together as you go along, you are becoming more familiar, and the best behavior phase starts to relax into who a person really is and how they really interact with others, you included.

This is a normal transition in any relationship and it often starts around the 6 to 9 month mark, and it often is the point at which you find out whether or not the relationship has legs. Sometimes people do not recognize this normal progression/transition and people break up as infatuation fades. Alternatively it is an opportunity to see your partner more clearly and make a decision whether to keep going or move on.

It can be a trying period, certainly.

My current relationship got very rocky at about the 9 month mark...we eventually sat down together and had a clearing of the air & an airing of the minds and we decided we've got something good here...but we also decided to go back to basics and not get too bogged down in "The Relationship", but keep playing together, enjoying each other, resist creating future fantasy scripts (expectations one partner expects the other partner to meet...setting the other partner up for failure when they don't meet the expectation...and setting the expectant partner up for disappointment) and loosen up/lighten up.

For me personally it's a little different. My BF and I are not in the get married & have kids phase of life. We are both done with babies...his kids are grown & mine are in the adolescent/teen years so some of the things that concern younger men & women (like the biological clock) no longer apply. Additionally he's retired and I'm semi retired...and the work I do part time is entrepreneurial so we are neither one slaving away 60 hr weeks on careers.

What culture is your GF from? Is she Latina? Are you machismo Latin? Some of those cultural and gender based roles are important but get overlooked in the initial stages of a relationship.

But about where you're at they start showing up too.

My other question would be how is your frame? If you believe she is frame pushing is your frame solid? Who has higher value objectively in the market? These things are influences in a relationship, what is your honest assessment?

 

[R.U.G.]

@BeExcellent, you are not that old, so quit using that line.

OP, BeExcellent has some good advice; no doubt. However, it seems you have more invested that your girlfriend. There in lies the problem. The one who cares the most has the most to lose. If you want any chance whatsoever in getting her back, you need to follow what I said. It works. However, you need to go back to basics and work on your frame and your purpose in life. Women get bored once they get the guy. Thus, you need to consistently be a challenge and be aloof. You are probably saying that makes no sense; and yes, you are correct with that assumption. However relationships, women and logic rarely make sense. Women base 95% of a relationship and their actions within a relationship on emotions. They live off drama and unpredictability. You are drama free and predictable. Basically what nearly every woman says they want, but in actuality, they want the opposite. What I used to do is do the opposite in what I know they want; and it usually works. Now, I just don't give a fvck and just leave when she gets too annoying or is not meeting my needs. But hey, that's me. This is you. I have a zero tolerance policy for bullsh!t from anyone.

 

[Glassguy]

Correct me if I am wrong OP, but didnt you already create a thread about this chick? It seemed like de ja vu when I read your original post on this thread.

Women either make it easy for you or they do things to make it hard and frustrating. If they dont make it easy, go after one (or more) of the other billions on this planet.

 

[highSpeed]

She’s todays independant woman, but it sounds like she’s already moved half way out the door…
Stop looking through her phone. If she’s experienced at cheating, you won’t find anything there. Evaluate her behavior for non interest level…

agreed, any woman who is halfway decent at cheating will not put it on her phone, at least not in an easy place to find. I think chasing the women who want you or are interested is a fact that many men spend a good bit of their life swimming upstream against. Yes, she's really hot, you want her but if she doesn't want you, at best you will get a feigned indifference and some fleeting attention. Not worth it. I spent a long time not realizing this issue and it has literally screwed me over on two separate instances.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

agreed, any woman who is halfway decent at cheating will not put it on her phone, at least not in an easy place to find. I think chasing the women who want you or are interested is a fact that many men spend a good bit of their life swimming upstream against. Yes, she's really hot, you want her but if she doesn't want you, at best you will get a feigned indifference and some fleeting attention. Not worth it. I spent a long time not realizing this issue and it has literally screwed me over on two separate instances.

Most of their cheating ends up in phone or email. With spy apps you can review deleted messages.

 

[highSpeed]

Most of their cheating ends up in phone or email. With spy apps you can review deleted messages.

I'll take your word for it but honestly, I have like zero interest, perhaps negative interest, in spending my time, life and anxiety trying to run around after someone to make sure they are doing what they are supposed to be doing. Might as well move on if you are that sure they are cheating. Hey, if you have no kids with this person, pretty easy, painless and quick to move on.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I'll take your word for it but honestly, I have like zero interest, perhaps negative interest, in spending my time, life and anxiety trying to run around after someone to make sure they are doing what they are supposed to be doing. Might as well move on if you are that sure they are cheating. Hey, if you have no kids with this person, pretty easy, painless and quick to move on.

You don't run around after them. You glance once to rest your worries and don't look again. So many folks are two face.

 

[highSpeed]

You don't run around after them. You glance once to rest your worries and don't look again. So many folks are two face.

agreed but what I'm saying is that if you feel strongly enough that they might or are cheating, you know what your gut is telling you. Time to move on.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

agreed but what I'm saying is that if you feel strongly enough that they might or are cheating, you know what your gut is telling you. Time to move on.

Many times your worries are out there by previous situation. Glancing real quick won't hurt.

 

[R.U.G.]

Women either make it easy for you or they do things to make it hard and frustrating. If they dont make it easy, go after one (or more) of the other billions on this planet.

Yep, GlassJoe is correct. If a woman wants to be with you, she will make it clear. If she keeps on dodging you or making up excuses, NC the bytch. You are wasting your time.

Most of their cheating ends up in phone or email. With spy apps you can review deleted messages.

That's now illegal in many states w/o a court order