Relationship game: say less

[MOTU]

So my fiancé has moved in and things are going well. I have been sure to stay aware of any potential frame shift so I can ward it off. I am going by Athol Kay's stuff to a great extent.

One thing I am working on is saying less. I am a fairly intellectual dude and I enjoy pondering aloud and speculating on things: people's behavior, current events, etc. I think this is a healthy thing with my bro's, but not so much with my girl. My concern is that when I speculate and turn out to be incorrect, this damages my credibility, and too much of that could create a frame issue.

I am not saying you have to always be right, but you should be right a lot. So I am keeping that activity for when I am hanging with my smarter friends.

Thoughts?

 

[ubercat]

Motu

I'm really enjoying your posts on relationship game - not as much on SS as there should be.

Was going dark but home second day with flu - so not much good for anything else right now.

You're on the money. A woman's not your buddy and she's always keeping score.

I think the key is to keep them talking about whatever's on their mind without offering solutions (the first day - as it may just b chick radio). If it comes up again - then can solve it but very concisely. In a quiet matter of fact tone with a little hint of 'that's obvious'.

Sometimes they've fired their hamster up and they'll start knocking back your solutions immediately - I normally say ' that's a good point' - 'maybe we'll talk about it some more tomorrow' and withdraw. Woman run on emotional logic so its a suicide run beating them down with rational logic (which they don't care about)

I had a mate who was a master of this - he'd listen to everyone yabber and then come out with a few incisive words. Often he just described the situation but it still came out as masterful and him having a rich inner life (which he did).

 

[ubercat]

I know u know Motu but also this thread's got a nice reminder about maintaining C&F when its obvious you've screwed the pooch.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?p=2243613#post2243613

 

[ucde]

I have the same issue, a girl I was seeing was very, very, very smart and enlightened, and I am not so much -- so I am aware of saying things that she could "see beyond" and see the limitations of.

I think its intellectual insecurity on our parts. So you share some thoughts -- so some turn out wrong. That's part of the fun. Speaking less to listen more might be cool, but speaking less to avoid being seen as wrong is acting from insecurity.

 

[Poon King]

My thoughts are you care way too much what this biyatch thinks of you to begin with.

There is no keeping your "frame" when you're insecure. A woman should like you for you and if she doesn't she can f*ck off. Any attitude less than that is beta punk territory.

Real talk.

 

[ubercat]

UCDE
Not going to argue. But bear in mind this is the MM forum. All these guys have strong life and LTR experience. As a % thing over time they know what works.

 

[glass half full]

Depends on what is meant by "speaking less". About yourself, or just in general. I've learned to speak less too. Make them talk more, make them ask questions. Talking about yourself all the time and they lose interest real quick. They need to be curious, like a mystery novel. Think of that damned book "Fifty Shades".

 

[Rainman4707]

I'm glad you've brought this to my attention. I did'nt care much if I was wrong when having conversations with my gf. Good post

 

[MOTU]

So I violated this today and thought it would be a good example to post. Fiance was telling me how her new running shoes were a little tight in the toe box because her feet are narrow like a flat banana or some such drivel. She wasn't complaining or whining, just telling me, and somewhat absently at that.

So rather than silently feigning moderate interest like I should have, I have to open my mouth and start problem solving, describing a way she might lace her shoes to give her more room. When I was done I realized how silly I must have sounded telling someone who has run 5 marathons how to tie her fvcking shoes.

Is this a big deal? No, of course not. But I do think too much of it can be unattractive.

Say less MOTU, say less.

 

[Desdinova]

Say less and don't give help her with solutions unless she asks for them.

The other night, the woman I've been dating for the past 2 months was laying in bed with me after we fvcked. I knew it was coming sooner or later...

Her: So I have to ask... What are we doing?
Me : Laying here
Her: (laughs) smartass!

That was the end of relationship discussion, at least for the time being. When she persists, that's when I lay all my 5hit down and tell her what I won't be putting up with. Thankfully, I haven't seen any red flags yet.