Real confidence

[jhonny9546]

Hey there folks.

I'm tired of being confused between what I hear from friends, what I observe, what I've seen work to see men behave insecure and arrogant and to see them getting results.
And thanks to sosuave I understand that there is something that doesn't add up.

So even tho you can just see how people act around each other, see who are the winners, and losers, which are in your opinion the best books/articles/content describing what the "good", "real" confidence is?

For what I get from it, confidence is a male trait that makes women w3t.
Other than that, everyone of us might ask himself "Am I a real confident man" or "Am I faking until I make it"?

 

[Mike32ct]

I think men and women view confidence differently.

As a man, I view confidence in other men as “I can handle this (or any) situation” energy. I don’t give a shyte about his ability to get laid.

For women, I think they want a combination of “I can handle anything” energy and “I can get you into bed and satisfy you sexually” energy.

 

[Plinco]

That's something that you have to cultivate within yourself. Imagine what that looks like and build it. It's similar to a thread I made not too long ago:

Ladies and gentlemen I've cracked the code

Anyone who pays attention here might know about this thread here https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/feel-free-to-criticize-my-texting-game.285734/ with my frustrations and some confusing input I had to figure this out on my own. Texting guidelines are fantastic, however they don't convey...

www.sosuave.net

Think of it like this, you give an artist a block of marble, and the artist sees a statue in that marble, but he needs time, effort, and the use of his mind to carve it out.

Personally, doing direct cold approaches and dancing has helped me out with this.

 

[Prepostereax]

You need to change up some of your "friends"

confused between what I hear from friends, what I observe, what I've seen work to see men behave insecure and arrogant

That's because confidence comes in many flavours

You can have inner confidence, where you feel your own worthiness, and comes from self-growth, which only you may be fully aware of and appreciate

And external confidence, which is boosted by such things as validation, and crumbles with rejection

Your guess as to which is preferable
(Both, of course. But if you have an abundance of the former, you won’t be affected by the latter)

To an outsider, women say, they might react the same to either type of confidence.
Some, eg gold-diggers + provider-hunters, will be more receptive to the things that boost external confidence.

If you have inner confidence, this won't bother you

Then there's positive and negative confidence

Negativity manifests in hostile competition, eg arrogance, as you have identified.

Yes, people do respond positively to Aholes, so jerks get rewarded for their behaviour, but it's a win/lose mentality.
And why bother with people who have poor value systems? (ie both the d!cks, and those who respect them)

Positivity would be an "I got this" attitude, or better yet, a "we got this" vibe

Maybe pursuing inner confidence and positivity will give you fewer options than doing the opposite, but those options will be far better quality

 

[darksprezzatura]

You need to change up some of your "friends"

That's because confidence comes in many flavours

You can have inner confidence, where you feel your own worthiness, and comes from self-growth, which only you may be fully aware of and appreciate

And external confidence, which is boosted by such things as validation, and crumbles with rejection

Your guess as to which is preferable
(Both, of course. But if you have an abundance of the former, you won’t be affected by the latter)

To an outsider, women say, they might react the same to either type of confidence.
Some, eg gold-diggers + provider-hunters, will be more receptive to the things that boost external confidence.

If you have inner confidence, this won't bother you

Then there's positive and negative confidence

Negativity manifests in hostile competition, eg arrogance, as you have identified.

Yes, people do respond positively to Aholes, so jerks get rewarded for their behaviour, but it's a win/lose mentality.
And why bother with people who have poor value systems? (ie both the d!cks, and those who respect them)

Positivity would be an "I got this" attitude, or better yet, a "we got this" vibe

Maybe pursuing inner confidence and positivity will give you fewer options than doing the opposite, but those options will be far better quality

Is it possible for someone to have “internal confidence” without “external confidence”?

 

[Prepostereax]

Is it possible for someone to have “internal confidence” without “external confidence”?

They often go hand in hand, but certainly
For example, someone who's improved in the face of opposition,
Sticking to their own convictions despite others opinions
And those who've overcome personal demons
To name a couple off the top of my head

 

[darksprezzatura]

They often go hand in hand, but certainly
For example, someone who's improved in the face of opposition,
Sticking to their own convictions despite others opinions
And those who've overcome personal demons
To name a couple off the top of my head

Right, so how do the examples you mentioned show that one has gained internal confidence and not external by these situations?

 

[darksprezzatura]

Do you mean to say confidence obtained from internal self = internal confidence and confidence gained from external validation = external confidence?

 

[BadBoy89]

For men, confidence = 6'1 + good hair

For women, I would think confidence is being able to have sex with the Alpha Dog, NOT the Beta Sucker.

 

[Prepostereax]

Do you mean to say confidence obtained from internal self = internal confidence and confidence gained from external validation = external confidence?

Internal confidence comes from stuff that matters to you
External confidence comes from stuff that matters to others
Yes there can be overlap

Think of someone striving for an Olympic medal
Those who are driven internally, will often say that their main opponent to beat is themselves (even in, say, combat sports).
Those driven externally are focused on their opposition. And these are the ones most likely to cheat

 

[HaleyBaron]

Confidence is something you get from experience. I am sure you have a topic you are very experienced in. That's natural confidence when you start talking about it.

 

[Doctor Europeo]

For women, I would think confidence is being able to have sex with the Alpha Dog, NOT the Beta Sucker.

This is a problem most women dont (or wont) understand. Their real confidence should not come from being able to have sex with High Value Men, (they get p00zy thrown at them left and right all the time) rather it should come from being able to secure exclusivity/commitment from them.

 

[zekko]

For women, I think they want a combination of “I can handle anything” energy and “I can get you into bed and satisfy you sexually” energy.

Yeah, I think they partly want you around because you can handle any situation.
And partly because it's the male job to initiate - they want to have a satisfying sexual experience - and they want you to have the confidence to make that happen for them. They could take the lead on that, but they'd prefer you did, and not be cluelessly hesitant.

 

[jhonny9546]

“I can get you into bed and satisfy you sexually” energy.

Describe this better

Think of it like this, you give an artist a block of marble, and the artist sees a statue in that marble, but he needs time, effort, and the use of his mind to carve it out.

I actually draw, paint and sculpt.
I do understand what I mean.
I call that "trial and error" method.
Until you have an artwork, you mold the shapes.

Maybe pursuing inner confidence and positivity will give you fewer options than doing the opposite, but those options will be far better quality

I've read everything you've written, and it seems like a really good definition, and I automatically recognized myself in it.
I must add that I'm still weak when it comes to external validation, and I'm working on that.

For men, confidence = 6'1 + good hair

This is externally validated.
I'm 165cm, have "decent" hair, but actually feel very confident.

Those who are driven internally, will often say that their main opponent to beat is themselves (even in, say, combat sports).

I'm definetly that!

rather it should come from being able to secure exclusivity/commitment from them.

I actually see that. Most of women I know value that.

They could take the lead on that, but they'd prefer you did, and not be cluelessly hesitant.

Yes this is true, but I also experienced women who made the first move.
With "first move" I mean they "dropped the handkerchief" or made it obvious to you they wanted you to f1ck them

 

[jhonny9546]

You need to change up some of your "friends"

You know, it's not easy to find good ones when you live in a place (I love italy) that culturally make men weak.
I'd love to be in a IRL sosuave bro's community here.
Anyone relocate to Italy? haha

 

[Prepostereax]

Don't get too hung up on internal/ external validation.
Best to have both, of course.
And both get similar results.

Internal validation comes through self growth, there's no real shortcuts (unless you put yourself through hell)
It will come to most of the guys here

External validation can be a shortcut for some, eg born into wealth, hot girls, chads
.
.
.

Now I'm gonna muddy the waters for ya..

You can be perfectly internally validated and yet still be an utter bastard

For example, the Olympic athletes I mentioned earlier:
First one is a good sport and wins medals through overcoming personal bests, and through that, he rises to the top
2nd dude is a blood doping steroid chugger who has no qualms about hiring thugs to kneecap his biggest rivals (so long as he doesn't get caught)

They both get the same rewards: all the accolades, the sponsorship deals, endless romping with fangirls, maximum external validation

The 1st, honest athlete is perfectly internally validated
The 2nd guy? If deep down he knows that he needs those crutches, then no
And if he gets found out, sucks to be him..
On the other hand, if he happens to be off the scale in dark triad traits, then he too is perfectly internally validated!

Does that make dark triad traits good, or bad??
Well that's a judgement call
And people are gonna judge

But it does mean that dark triad traits are like a superpower, in terms of confidence

So don't worry about internal/external validation
It only has relevance to you

Instead look at how that confidence manifests

Positively vs negatively

In common parlance
"Don't be a d!ck"

(or at least, do so in a lighhearted, self amused manner)

 

[BaronOfHair]

@jhonny9546 Paraphrase a wise man: Selt-assurance stems from being able to look life in the eye

Which is the exact opposite of what most fellas have been doing from late '15-today, ever since all this Going Your Own Way* drivel proliferated throughout our society


*In practice, MGTOW almost always = Pretending that one doesn't have desires, rather than actually facing one's own thoughts and emotions head on

 

[Plinco]

I actually draw, paint and sculpt.
I do understand what I mean.
I call that "trial and error" method.
Until you have an artwork, you mold the shapes.

No.

You have the end result in your head already.

Here's another way to put it: integration versus surrender. So for example, when I dance to the music, I'm I surrendering to the music or do I integrate with the music and express my interpretation?