Read Diary ..now What?

[DavenJuan]

so im getting myself in the rear end right now...let me give some quick backgournd...

i live with my gf of 1 yr now.. a couple months into the relationship i saw that she had a dary stuffed in her drawer. i know youre wandering what am i doing in her drawer? well i was stashing a valentines day gift in there and came across it. needless to say i did not leave my gift there and placed it somewhere else. however i was contenmplating on taking a "quick look".

needless to say, a "quick look" turned into me reading a novel as if it were a stephen king book.

story 1: she messed around with a guy named keith and they basically dated for awhile. as a matter of fact the first night i ever stayed at her place, she was at his place the night before (occurding to her diary)

now i am not mad about that because we werent together at the time, and she can date whoever she wanted. what i am upset about is that months later we go out with another couple and we are both drunk. she stays at the bar while the other couple and me go have a smoke..well, i come back like 10 minutes later and i see this guy all over my girl REAL close. so i get him off my girl and get into it with this guy.. he ends up punching me and i walk away. (by the way , this guy is 3 times my size. almost a scwharzaneggar on steriods...the chicks in the bar who saw loved me for being the bigger man..when i just was trying to not get my arsed kicked:yes

the next day she confessed and tells me she knows the guy from work and that was it, but then tells me that they kissed once after she decided the whole "i really dont know him story" wasnt working to well. but after reading her diary i know that she knows him a hell of alot better than she is admitting too.

story 2: I read some very interesting stuff about her past..mainly that she slept with her ex boyfriends best friend well after they had broken up. They had a couple of rendevous for awhile.


well last night we were out with a group of my friends..as we were walking into the bar she screams..." JOE , JOE...come meet joe"....she intrudes me and its this freakin tool joe who is her ex boyfriends best friend that she slept with a couple times....first i was fine, but i felt REALLL uncomfortable being there so i go into the bar. they continued to catch up outside for like 20 minutes until all of my friends and i were ready to go to the next bar.

I tried my hardest not to say anything but i couldnt help myself.

me:"Whats up with you and joe...? i can tell by your body language that he was more to you than just yoru ex bfs best friend...did you ever mess around with him....?
her: NO...(comes in to give me a hug for reassurance)
me: i can tell by your response to my question that there is more that your not telling me???
her: your retarded..i never did anything with him...why would you even think that?
me: OMG, you did fool around with this guy, did you f*ck him? that disgusting knowing that you were with his bestfriend!
her: i swear i never did anything with him!

i had an attitude for the rest of the night and things were a bit akward. but i havent mentioned anything today about it. i let it go for the most part. and i alerady know that i put myself in this situation..but knowing what i know, and putting faces with the "novel" i read, its very uncomfortable...and her lying to me isnt helping either. i proabably would do the same in her shoes because it was all before me, but it still bothers me.

how would you feel standing outside of the bar and being introduced to and old friend of your ex bf, and the guy standing across from you and your girlfriend both know that they have a lil "secret"?

 

[AlphaSoldier]

Dude, smells of slvt.

-AS

 

[dietzcoi]

Before all the apologists for this women jump on this thread, I want to tell you: This is not a woman for a LTR or marriage.

Why did you move in with her? Why are you STILL living with her after these events? You know her character. you read it! It may have been wrong to read it, but now you know. Save yourself!

Break it off and move out. I cannot imagine how this relationship can possibly work.. it is insanity to put yourself in this position.

Do you think she will "change" into a loving partner who won't constantly drag you to see her ex-lovers? She is an AW who loves to rub it in your face!

For God's sake listen to me before the "you are just insecure, grow up and live with it" crowd jumps on this thread.

LMS: Help!!!!!!

Dieztcoi

 

[DavenJuan]

originally posted by dietzcoi
Do you think she will "change" into a loving partner who won't constantly drag you to see her ex-lovers? She is an AW who loves to rub it in your face!

funny you say that because i would give the same advice, but the thing is even though i shouldnt have read her diary...i KNOW how she really feels about me. she has never cheated. she cut ALL TIES with everyone. she is committed to me and maybe she will do something maybe she wont. but thats with any relationship.

my problem is that after putting mself in this "know everytihng situation, how do i move one and act like nothing" i KNOW she slept with her ex best friend. i KNOW she knew that guy keith from months ago.. I dont like the fact that she cant be honest about it. but then again, i couldnt be honest about reading up on her past experiences either. ...

i just figured i would throw this "life event" in this whirlpool of thoughts we call our forum...always great advice and thoughts

btw..LMS does always have good advice..but i can tell yiou what hed say..." leave the HOR

 

[PhatE1vis]

I'm a secretive person. If something isn't going to hurt you, I'm not going to tell you about it just for the sake of full disclosure.

Your gf is doing the same thing here. If she's never cheated on you and has cut all ties with others since she's been with you, than she's gold in my book. What more do you want, for her to retroactively not sleep with people in the past. Jesus.

Shame on you for being the douchebag who read her diary. I'd dump a chick if she pryed into my personal stuff, and she should do no less with you.

 

[DavenJuan]

originally posted by PhatE1vis
Your gf is doing the same thing here. If she's never cheated on you and has cut all ties with others since she's been with you, than she's gold in my book. What more do you want, for her to retroactively not sleep with people in the past. Jesus.

Shame on you for being the douchebag who read her diary. I'd dump a chick if she pryed into my personal stuff, and she should do no less with you.

shamefully...agree

 

[StevenR]

I think that most women are like this, i.e. they sleep with a whole lot more guys then they want people to know about. She did not sleep with any of these men while you two have been exclusive, so she is not guilty of cheating and has probably done nothing slvttier then the majority of American women out there. And not volunteering information about her past sex life is not lying to you. Did you tell her the lurid details of who you slept with in the months before you two were together?

The only thing that may be a problem is when she blatantly lied to you when you insisted that her and that other guy slept together in the past, but then she may have thought you met was she presently sleeping with him and she could truthfully deny that. Tough call IMO. I would probably not break up with her, but maybe put her through some more sht tests yourself to see how honest she is about other things.

 

[ketostix]

Your gf is doing the same thing here. If she's never cheated on you and has cut all ties with others since she's been with you, than she's gold in my book.

story 2: I read some very interesting stuff about her past..mainly that she slept with her ex boyfriends best friend well after they had broken up. They had a couple of rendevous for awhile.


well last night we were out with a group of my friends..as we were walking into the bar she screams..." JOE , JOE...come meet joe"....she intrudes me and its this freakin tool joe who is her ex boyfriends best friend that she slept with a couple times....first i was fine, but i felt REALLL uncomfortable being there so i go into the bar. they continued to catch up outside for like 20 minutes until all of my friends and i were ready to go to the next bar.

It doesn't sound like she's really "cutting ties" with guys in the past. And how would you know she hasn't cheated unless it's not in her diary, which you chatised him for reading in the first place.

 

[PhatE1vis]

It doesn't sound like she's really "cutting ties" with guys in the past. And how would you know she hasn't cheated unless it's not in her diary, which you chatised him for reading in the first place.

What, you never bump into people you've slept with in the past? And if you do, do you shun them just because you're not with them or with someone else at the time? It sounds to me like she handled the situation OK. He only felt awkward because he knows something he shouldn't know, which is maybe why she was smart enough not to tell him about her past in the first place. Some people can't keep the past in the past, and maybe she realizes this about him.

I don't know she hasn't cheated, just going by what the OP said.

 

[DavenJuan]

some of you are getting the point and other are not...

i dont care about her past relationships..i read this diary MONTHS and MONTHS ago. things that were horrible, adn things that were great. I am conditioned enough to not hold these things against her. however i did open a can of worms.

...almost dangling fruit right at the reach of my fingertips...curiousity is a dangerous thing. morally reading that diary was wrong..and i have done other things that she wouldnt like. the issue is dealing with myself...who cares sheslept with her ex bf bestfriend..it never bothered me utnil it was presented to her and she controllably denied.

women lie..yes...men lie...yes... but when you know its blatant, its a lot tougher to move on and say .."hey, f*ck it"

....i didnt intend to post this thread and ask if i should break up with her or not...i just wanted to share this and see how tohers viewed this...positive and negative

 

[ketostix]

Well I don't think that she lied to you really matters. What matters is why she's lying to you. Maybe she's telling a "white" lie. But spending 20 mins to talk to a guy she had sex with before your realtionship even after you and everyone walks off doesn't sound right to me...and I think there's a clue in that.

 

[Colossus]

Davenjuan-

Once you read your girl's diary you passed the point of no return. It was wrong to do so; thats her private business...but the cat is out of the bag now.

I could go into some long diatribe about everything that is wrong with this picture, but Im going to keep it simple.

WALK AWAY from this woman.

Thats right, pick up your life and your dignity and WALK. Dont wait until she does it again. Is this really the type of woman you want by your side? You leave her for 10 minutes and she is ALLOWING 'some guy' to be all over her? Her character at this point seems pretty clear. I cant possibly see this relationship moving into your frame. You are never going to trust her, and if you do you its only an illusion you create for yourself. By accusing her of sleeping with another guy (in the past, nonetheless) you have only further pushed things into her frame. Even if it's true, when you jealously accuse a woman of that her reaction is going to be denial.

I smell a hor, my man, and your posts reek of rationalizations. I know because i have been there.

I read an old gf's diary once. One of the worst decisions I ever made. I was so unbelievably AFC it would make you want to throw up. But i can tell you this: I would NEVER make that choice again. If something needs to be known it will become known. I dont want my hand to become black in the mess of it.

Remember, it is not so much about trusting others as it is trusting YOURSELF to make the right choices.

Make the right choice for YOU, soldier. Dig deep even if it hurts. You'll be a better man because of it.

 

[ketostix]

I don't get some of your guys' logic. Do you really think a woman's not going to lie about some things? I think it's just unrealistic to think a woman isn't going to lie to her man. She probably thinks it's irrelevant, as the OP does, who she slept with before, so it's not the same thing as asking her if she's sleeping with someone else now and she lies about it.

I guess if you had sat down with her and she agreed to be honest about exactly who all she had slept with in the past, then she isn't honest that would be different.

All that matters now is why she's lying. For example, If she's lying because she still wants to hook up with these guys, then it's not a "white lie". You didn't have a problem with her actions had you not read the diary. I would've had a problem with her actions even if I hadn't known she previously slept with those guys.

 

[joekerr31]

well if you read her diary and this is the worst stuff in it, i dont see the problem.
she apparently has never cheated on any of her boyfriends. she's slept with a few guys, but what chic hasn't.

as for her lying to you, given the topics she is lying on i think its totally understandable. i mean, if i had a woman i cared about and then bumped into another woman i had banged a bunch of times a year ago, i wouldn't introduce them as "hey sally, this is wendy, i use to pound her pudding back in the day."

as long as wendy kept her mouth shut about it, so would i. if asked whether i had slept with wendy, to be honest i wouldn't lie, but i wouldn't answer the question either - i would tell my woman "no offense, but i dont discuss who i've slept with in the past. im sleeping wiht you now and thats all that matters."

now, you really slipped up telling her you knew she had slept with him. she is going to figure out that you looked at her diary. you are an idiot in this regard.

now, she is also an idiot for leaving her diary out in a place where you could read it. she's also an idiot for keeping a diary (i mean, who the f*ck keeps a diary now a days).

anyway, just keep your mouth shut and keep reading her diary. you've already committed hte crime, so you may as well keep doing it. haha. you know you are going to anyway.

if she cheats on you or something you'll read it about it before it happens

btw, i also think you are in over your head with this woman. i can smell the AFC worry from here. this chic has framed herself as the prize and you're barely able to reach up high enough and polish that booty. its clear that you are worried that this chic is going to punt your *ss at some point and replace you with some guy more alpha than you.

 

[jophil28]

For God's sake listen to me before the "you are just insecure, grow up and live with it" crowd jumps on this thread.

LMS: Help!!!!!!

Dieztcoi

LMS is snoozin' - I will help you out in his place .

To the OP - You are the one that has to live with this woman and if she is not behaving in a way that meets your standards - dump her.
I agree with Dietzcoi .
Ignore the crowd who will shout at you about "being insecure and immature and get over it ..blah, blah ! " These are the bleatings of the "anything goes " herd. There are a couple members of that herd on this board.
You need a woman whom you can trust . Could you ever trust what she says again. She has lied to you about her past. Lying is like drunk driving. You never get caught the first time you do it. Eventually you get busted but by then you have gotten away with it numerous times.

Secondly, she is acting in a disrespectful manner to you with the other guys. She lives with you in an LTR . YOU are her priority and her focus ( or should be ) . You have to ask yourself whether YOU would have acted like she did with an ex lover of yours ?
In the answer is a resounding NO then you and she are not on the same page morally or ethically.

 

[ketostix]

Damn joekerr totally agree. You said it way better than I did.

 

[drmeathead]

dude you gotta break it off with her. she lied. she did not have to lie. while she may not have owed you the truth as it was none of your business. she owed you, "i did not sleep with him while we are together and what i have done with him or anyone else before we became exclusive is not your business."


assume for a second that you didnt know she banged the ex's bf. the two of them sit there and chat like old friends. about what? how her ex is doing? i mean cmon. seriously you can tell when two people have a sexual history. y talk to an old lover. they didnt date they were just **** buddies. what did they have to talk about? how he has been since the last time he spent the night? i dont mean to be harsh but you need to skip on her.

the nagging question in my brain is this... WHY DIDNT SHE HEAD TO THE BAR WITH YOU? SHE STAYED AND TALKED TO SOME DUDE FOR 20 MINUTES WHILE THE TWO OF YOU WERE ON A DATE. SHE VALUES YOUR TOGETHER TIME SO LITTLE THAT RATHER SPEND 20 MIN OUT OF YOUR 3 HOUR DATE (10 PERCENT) TALKING TO SOME DUDE (SHE USED TO ****).

this shady **** about the guy all over her...cmon man. \ when u came back fromt he bar all you should have had to say was after a polite introduction as the boyfreind and idle chit chat was hey lets get going (to another bar, the dart board, jukebox, pool table, etc) and smoothly led her away. not force the other guy away through verbal confrontation. this ever happens again you need to put the otis on her to come with you. if she does great. you got a keeper. she doesnt, keep your cool till she is done with that guy. go grab a beer and play darts. seriously man if you have to fight a guy off to keep her from cheating on you with him...is she worth keeping? the answer is no. so when she finally doest come back after lettting this guy violate her personal space and flirt is to simply say once you get in private...we are done. good bye.

 

[STR8UP]

Ignore the crowd who will shout at you about "being insecure and immature and get over it ..blah, blah ! " These are the bleatings of the "anything goes " herd. There are a couple members of that herd on this board.

As a proud realist, I will take that as a compliment. But since you weren't complimenting me- :moon:

A little while back a chick tried that sh!t with me. We were talking about another girl I know, and she blurts out "You haven't slept with her, have you?"

Well, if someone's gonna ask me such a stupid, immature, INSECURE question like that, they deserve to be LIED TO. And that's exactly what she got. And I didn't feel a damn bit guilty about it. SHE DESERVED IT. She put me on the spot and asked a question that was none of her business.

I was protecting her from herself, as was the OP's girl with the OP. But the problem with his situation was that he made the mistake of reading her private stuff. As another poster said......after this, there's no turning back.

With the limited info I have, I don't see that this girl did much of anything wrong. Too bad cause the OP put the nail in the coffin by getting into her sh!t.

 

[joekerr31]

Call me crazy, but if a woman doesn't have the self-confidence to say "yes I slept with him", if i happened to be insecure enough to ask, and she would instead choose to lie to my face, then no I would not want to be with her and I don't understand why anyone would find this acceptable.

I don't feel that's unreasonable either. But then, I wouldn't have made a big AFC deal about it to begin with.

the only problem being that what this guy has done so far is 100 times worse than what she has done by lying about who she slept with in the past.

and lets try to look at this from a slightly different perspective.

imagine for a second that his gf and this guy slept together. now imagine that this guy didnt want his best friend to find out. now imagine that the two of them screwed a few times and then made a pact with each other that they would never ever tell anyone that they screwed around.

now from his gfs perspective, sure, she slept with him, but no one knows that. so while she is lying, as far as she is concerned:

1) its a lie that will never be found out and has no present day barring on their relationship
2) its none of her current bfs business anyway
3) she made a pact never to discuss their fling and she is keeping her word

im not saying this is the case, but it COULD be.

anyway, all this is a moot point. this guy is severly insecure over this girl, which is why he read the diary in the first place. the relationship as a whole has a low probability of lasting another 6 months if you ask me.

 

[joekerr31]

the problem here is that guys want to say 'she's bad run away'

but the reality is this poster ain't mr. trust worthy himself! i mean, he's reading her private diary.

in terms of moral fibre, i'd say she's ahead of him right now.

more over, the fact that he got to read her book of sin and basically didn't find any entries about her cheating on her bfs, or participating in an orgy, or how she wants a guy man to provide for her and give her everything she ever wanted, etc. suggests this woman ain't all that bad.

while str8up and I are never going to see eye to eye on banging a married chic, i do think its a bit excessive to expect peopel never to tell white lies.

if a woman asks me 'do you think my *ss is getting fat?" and i respond "baby, i f*cking love your*ss like you wouldn't believe!" - that doesn't mean she can't trust me just because im not being honest with her that her ass is getting fatter.

anyway, yes she lied, but she potentially had reason to. i dont think this one incident is enough to NEXT her without knowing more.

and trust me, a woman who knows there are some things men don't want to hear isn't necessarily a bad thing. i once had a gf who told me the stuff she did with previous guys, and i gotta say, it was a major turn off.

this is why i say over and over and over - NEVER bring up the past. never ask, never disclose. focus on the present!