Question to your single dads (and my behavior toward the mother- ex gf)

[Black Widow Void]

I realize that when posting, the shorter the better, but this (at least in my opinion, is rather complex). My (less than a week ago) girlfriend of two years has pushed me to the limit. A description of her? Well, she’s nearly perfect to me (keeps alcohol stocked at her house, gets up and pours it for me, willingly provides sex, insists on going Dutch when we go out etc..) . Pretty much the ideal woman, but one thing, which I don't respect at all about her.

Within the first year, I would have said the only problem was her teenage daughter. Constantly calling/texting when she and I were out – basically doing all she could to be a wedge (daughter is in late teens and mother has been divorced for four years). The daughter has also been a problem-child.
This past year, I started peeling back the layers and though I don’t like the daughter very much, I’ve come to realize that the daughters behavior is more of a result of how she’s been conditioned by the mother to behave. Although feelings have been strong for this woman, my respect for her is now at zero.

The woman I’m seeing is a psyche nurse and though women (and mothers) do emotionally cloud the issues, this woman is quite the intellect. I’ve met the father a few times and he’s a stand up guy. He let the daughter live with him and gave her structure (which helped her a great deal). Problem was, when the daughter would visit the mother (my then, girlfriend) the mother would be the “fun mom” and undermine all that her father was trying to accomplish. Finally, she moved back with mom.

Although I’ve not answered my ex’s e-mails, texts’ and phone calls, I must confess here that her writing has in fact pushed all the right hot-buttons. I am thinking of responding and also including her ex-husband (the daughter’s dad) in on the e-mail. I’ve changed the names of those involved, but “Bob” is the father, “Laura” is the ex, mother and his ex-wife, and Jennifer is the daughter.

Not sure that I can be self-objective, so I ask you readers your thoughts and if it’s a good or bad idea and why. Thanks.

“Laura,

I read your e-mail. Since my email response revolves more around parenting and Jennifer – rather than our former relationship, I chose to include Bob among these concerns. A few months ago, your explanation to Bob was that Jennifer was unmanageable toward him because of her monthly cycle. This week, your story is that she behaved unfavorable to me - due to having to wait ten days for her generic medication to be replaced with a retail drug. I'm not dismissing minor attributions, but I believe there's a more dominant reason.

It’s probably easier to label Jennifer as having unmanageable mental/emotional disorders, but the reality is… you’ve had opportunities to nurture her growth, but instead, fed her decline and elected to stunt her growth, if not reverse. Instead of making random excuses for Jennifer's behavior, it's time that you take accountability and acknowledge that your no-parenting approach is the dominant end result. There's just no denying that Jennifer's self-esteem and overall outlook drastically improved while living with Bob. Are you jealous and perhaps trying to 'get back' at Bob? The only other reason I can think of is... that you don't want your daughter independent because of some unhealthy dependency issue you might have with Jennifer.

You are not a martyr which has resulted in failed relationships (for the sake of caring for your daughter). Instead, and to give an example; Jennifer throwing water and the glass at me was a result of your parental conditioning rather than (as you say) my “goading." Earlier this year, Jennifer angrily threw a potato at you because you wouldn’t give her money and let her see her friend, Christeen - for that behavior, you gave her $20.00 and told her to go see Christeen. No punishment, no consequence but instead, rewarding Jennifer for digressive and abusive behavior. As a psyche nurse, I’m sure that you are cognizant of what you are doing. Again, her abusive behavior toward me and certain behavior in general is primarily because you’ve conditioned (stunting, if not reversing) her to behave this way.

Perhaps another false promise, but earlier, you acknowledged a parenting problem and claimed interest in seeking help for your daughter/mother relationship. I was told another lie, I presume. It kept me around for a while, so I guess it worked. If she is speaking suicide as often as you claim (rather than you fabricating ...in order for you to mask your parenting behavior) either way, you've proven on countless opportunities that you do not seem to care for her future best interest.

Instead of nurturing Jennifer’s growth in a positive manner, I suspect that you will expend more energy in trying to convince Bob that I'm being malicious or creating drama. There's no denying that... what I've personally witnessed is factual rather than speculation. The more I reflect, the more I view you as willingly engaging in a form of child neglect/abuse. For that reason alone, I repeat that I prefer no more contact and do not wish to get back together.”

--- Well folks, that is the letter. I’m not a parent therefore I acknowledge that I may be out of bounds, but my thoughts on this ...shoot straight from the heart and gut. Do I send this, edit this or nothing. Your thoughts will be appreciated.

 

[betheman]

"....The more I reflect, the more I view you as willingly engaging in a form of child neglect/abuse."

wow....holy mutha..you are now the spawn of satan!!!!
didnt read much of the rest, it was to long, the stuff youre writing should have been said to her face. now, she can pick apart and turn all this sh!t around whichever way she wants. Id dig a very deep foxhole if I were you, there will be incoming

 

[Black Widow Void]

betheman,

Thanks for the response. The main purpose of the e-mail (though I will admit to some pleasure in sending it) is to send an eye-opener to the dad. I didn't know him too well, but struck me as one of the good men. I do suspect however, that he may have also had this "if I pretend all is well, I don't have to involve myself" attitudes as well. My e-mail pretty much forces him to look at the reality.

 

[OMGWTFLMAO]

I think you are perhaps being a little quick to judge the situation. This teenage daughter's behavior you described in the email includes violent outbusts, splitting between parents (playing one against the other), manipulation and threats/ideations of suicide. My first instinct would be to check to see if this girl cuts herself or has in the past. This type of behavior is very common in something called Borderline Personality Disorder. The mother most likely could deal with her daughter better, but it really does sound like there might be some serious psychological issues going on with the girl.

 

[Black Widow Void]

OMGWTFLMAO,

You raise some valid points. I don't claim any qualifications, but from observation this is my take. I do believe that the daughter did have some unhealthy issues growing up. I don't think she's fully recovered, but I do feel with certainty that she's made leaps and bounds. While briefly living with her father, she demonstrated a lot of improvement.

Her out look and personality was more vibrant. Problem was, her dad provided structure and this meant that the daughter had to get up a certain time, remain employed and work towards going to college. Meanwhile, Mom (my ex gf) became even more of the 'fun mom' (no structure, gave money to buy weed etc...) and the daughter moved back in with her. I believe that my ex undermined all that the father was trying to do.

As to suicide? Because someone close to me did this act it's a serious subject with me. In the daughters youth, I think it was legitimate. As a young woman in her late teens, I think she's learned that talking about suicide has reaped positive material items and freedoms from her mother. Or, perhaps the mom is telling me that there's suicide talk ... so she can justify her enabling behavior to the daughter.

 

[Desdinova]

What I gather here is that she is now your ex.

WHY are you butting into her family issues? The whole thing is GONE. You cannot fix a family that isn't yours.

Drop everything and move on.

 

[Black Widow Void]

Desdinova,

Your reply seems rather applicable to serve for a cut and paste variety to "I'm not with my ex" sort of posting. However, I'm looking for a response from a single father perspective. I'm wondering... will my e-mail prompt him to be more pro-active? Would a father appreciate knowing what goes on - rather than some glossed over explanation from his former wife? I think you get the idea.

 

[Desdinova]

'm looking for a response from a single father perspective.

As a single father, I am dying to know what's happening with my child over at my ex's place. However, I do not represent the general status of single fathers. Some will be proactive in their children's lives, some will show concern, and some won't give a damn.

Whatever situation he's in is not likely to change due to your email. Feel free to send it if you like, but people generally won't change their life patterns unless they wish to do so. The only thing that's guaranteed is it's going to piss your ex off.

I honestly see no point in trying to repair someone else's damage.

 

[sharkbeat]

I ain't a single father, but I have dated a single mom, and this letter reeks AFC all over. Lots of whining and complains and all that womanly-AFC behaviors. If I was a woman, I'd probably trash this letter.

You have broken up with her, right? Consider that a God's blessing, and now you can forget about it and carry on.

 

[Black Widow Void]

Desdinova,
I appreciate your valuable suggestion. I thought more about this and reached the same conclusion; meaning that once people adopt a certain mindset, rarely does this change. I do feel bad for the kid and this is not due to investment with an ex, but due to simply seeing anyone that is young and dealt a bad hand.

sharkbeat,
While I do enjoy reading the varied responses on this forum, it is evident that there are some that would rather ‘flex’ with unfounded claims (in order to receive some quasi senses of empowerment) . Hopefully, I'm not responding to one.

 

[sharkbeat]

Desdinova,
sharkbeat,
While I do enjoy reading the varied responses on this forum, it is evident that there are some that would rather ‘flex’ with unfounded claims (in order to receive some quasi senses of empowerment) . Hopefully, I'm not responding to one.

No, I'm not trying to be a smartass here. Props to you for keeping an open mind to the answers here, which I do agree with you that they tend to repeat the same formula - which I also unfortunately repeated here.

I do not know the details of your relationship, obviously, but reading this letter that you wrote to her tells me so much agony and frustration from you. You must have been bottling up all of this emotion while dating her, dealing with her ex, and her daughter. The truth about this relationship is, even though you were dating her, you were still not part of her family. Any complaints you have, arguments, criticisms, therefore are automatically deemed void.

She can reject you and this letter at any time, and she won't bear any social consequences. You were just one of her boyfriends. She could always call you chump and needy to her friends, and all her friends will back her up, and she won't have anyone to call her a slvt or a *****. If you were the father, that would be different, but you are not. You can't criticize her parenting behavior. That's what I meant that if I was a woman, I could toss this letter to the trash can without feeling any remorse or regret.

Additionally, you wrote a damn long letter. I don't have the patience to read it word by word. I don't even think she does. Even if she does have the patience, the content of the whole letter is whining and complaining. Women don't want to hear her man complain, especially about her. That's beta, a chump, an AFC, and automatic instant turn off for women.

The relationship is over. The best you can do is move on. You only owe explanation to her only if she ask. And even that is something that you want to do in person, not over email or a letter.

Come back in two months, and reread this letter, you will see what I mean.

 

[Black Widow Void]

sharkbeat,

I appreciate the response. I could definitely laugh at myself on a few points (which we may disagree, but I don't view that as 'chump' like behavior). I think we've all done the knee-jerk reaction thing and later looked back and had a WTF was I thinking moment.

Truth is, we all have our strengths and weakness. I'm totally cool with being called on mine. I sure has h3ll wish I had a live-in editor because long-windedness is a talent I wish I didn't have.

After personal thought and advice from the forum (and thanks everyone btw) I've decided to trash it. For the record, the e-mail was going to be a cc with the father included. Admittedly, the e-mail also had a blend of personalized emotional driven slush (it's human and it happens).

Anyway.... Cheers sharkbeat