I am curious to know if you guys have gone through a similar situation or is it just myself.
I feel like i have been sent back about 7-8 years experience wise. I can hold eye contact anymore with anyone and automatically turn my head away as a reaction whenever i lock eyes. I always feel awkward and shy in situations and sometimes stay too long,leave too early, talk too much, talk too little.
I've been trying to go out alot and though this has helped tremendously on getting over the relationship i find myself staying the entire night out at a club by myself and drinking alone and having no desire to approach or dance.
i began to notice these things slowly as girls have come to talk to me and i catch myself holding horrible conversations and i see their interest level drop.
i have always been a confident guy in all aspects including women in general. i soemtimes was still awkward with women i liked but after many attempts at reducing aa when i was younger it has gotten alot better. I always felt like an attractive male since i was 5'11 for an asian which is tall and always had girls or people in general compliment me or give me indirect "your hot/cute/sexy" through friends etc. for masculinity i was never messed with because i was taught to hurt anyone who tries to hurt you. i recieved a suspension every year from kindergarten to 10th grade. i was expelled from my middleschool and forced to switch.
i still think i am an attractive male and i still feel motivated in what i do and chasing women for fun(i do have a slight case of oneitis which i am working on) but i feel almost as if i've been pulled back 7-8 and all the experience and confidence i have developed has been stripped. all the approaches i have done to decrease my AA or get rid of it, my ability to approach strangers and ask questions, and my ability to hold conversations to increase interest level.
A brief background of my history so you guys can understand where i am coming from.
I am end of this week out of a 1 year bpd relationship for 2 months now.
Things i went through emotional abuse, physical abuse, and mental abuse. My ex never put me down. i never really tolerated her bpd behavior (extreme cases) and that is why we fought alot.
things that happened to me regularly
1.) i would get *****ed at or she would become angry at me for no real sufficient reason.... example:i was 2 minutes late to respond to her text (just sometimes she wasn't always this f'cked up. i would apologize here
2.) get slapped in the face almost everyday.... this happened about 6 months into the relationship. first i would ask her why and she said because i bothered her. then i would explain how that doesn't give her the right to do that...she would then respond then don't bother me/tickle her. since i was always used to getting into fights this didn't hurt at all but it was annoying since it was my face. i would only annoy her more after this by tickling her or other things.
3.)she punched me in the face once and gave me a nosebleed. i faked like it hurt so she would feel bad.
4.)she threw me into a dresser(i let her throw me because the fight was getting out of hand and i needed it to end) and i faked to go unconscious. she hit me and threw water on me for a few minutes and then started to feel bad. i layed still for 30 minutes.
5.)i used to beg her alot when we got into fights because i felt like it was the only way to get her to come back.
6.) she told me she was almost raped and was forced to perform oral sex instead. i found out the truth later and it was consensual and then i found out ALL about her past that she lied about and i could never forget about it. She told me she only had 3 boyfriends before and explained to me in detail and then said i was the first one. she only kissed the other 3. then i found out about 4 more boyfriends and a few other hook ups. even at age 13 she was already giving oral sex....
now that i look back it was emotionally abusing her when i brought these things up and called her a slut but i could not get over it and tried to leave her over these things. eventually a friend told me whats in the past is in the past and i should move on and work on a future if i want this relationship to work. i still brought this topic up from time to time.
i was physically abused but i didn't always take it.
it started out small with pushing which i let go, then hitting which i would try to dodge. hitting got really bad and i would restrain her and she would spit on me sometimes. eventually i thought letting her hit me and faking alot of pain would work, since she would see how much she hurt me and would stop. that only worked for that day/instance and she would do it all over again come nighttime or the next day. eventually i would push her back just dominate her and scare the **** out of her telling her to f!ck off. she was scared but still insisted on fighting me physically. we would kick each other off the bed until one of us got tired and i would apologize first and then ask her to apologize. she rarely did. eventually it turned into fights where she would full out hit me and i would push her/restrain her/ smack her hands away/hit her elbows/knees and fists.
i was childish/major afc/ and wrong for staying and hitting her back.
im guessing the end being afc back then is known. i wanted to break off the relationship for months but could never do it for good and this time with her help we finally did it. she found a bf 4 days later.
during the whole relationship my composure outside of the relationship school/clubs/chilling/meeting people was all normal but its after the relationship was over i felt like i time traveled back 7-8 years and lost everything i gained from field experience.
I feel like i have been sent back about 7-8 years experience wise. I can hold eye contact anymore with anyone and automatically turn my head away as a reaction whenever i lock eyes. I always feel awkward and shy in situations and sometimes stay too long,leave too early, talk too much, talk too little.
I've been trying to go out alot and though this has helped tremendously on getting over the relationship i find myself staying the entire night out at a club by myself and drinking alone and having no desire to approach or dance.
i began to notice these things slowly as girls have come to talk to me and i catch myself holding horrible conversations and i see their interest level drop.
i have always been a confident guy in all aspects including women in general. i soemtimes was still awkward with women i liked but after many attempts at reducing aa when i was younger it has gotten alot better. I always felt like an attractive male since i was 5'11 for an asian which is tall and always had girls or people in general compliment me or give me indirect "your hot/cute/sexy" through friends etc. for masculinity i was never messed with because i was taught to hurt anyone who tries to hurt you. i recieved a suspension every year from kindergarten to 10th grade. i was expelled from my middleschool and forced to switch.
i still think i am an attractive male and i still feel motivated in what i do and chasing women for fun(i do have a slight case of oneitis which i am working on) but i feel almost as if i've been pulled back 7-8 and all the experience and confidence i have developed has been stripped. all the approaches i have done to decrease my AA or get rid of it, my ability to approach strangers and ask questions, and my ability to hold conversations to increase interest level.
A brief background of my history so you guys can understand where i am coming from.
I am end of this week out of a 1 year bpd relationship for 2 months now.
Things i went through emotional abuse, physical abuse, and mental abuse. My ex never put me down. i never really tolerated her bpd behavior (extreme cases) and that is why we fought alot.
things that happened to me regularly
1.) i would get *****ed at or she would become angry at me for no real sufficient reason.... example:i was 2 minutes late to respond to her text (just sometimes she wasn't always this f'cked up. i would apologize here
2.) get slapped in the face almost everyday.... this happened about 6 months into the relationship. first i would ask her why and she said because i bothered her. then i would explain how that doesn't give her the right to do that...she would then respond then don't bother me/tickle her. since i was always used to getting into fights this didn't hurt at all but it was annoying since it was my face. i would only annoy her more after this by tickling her or other things.
3.)she punched me in the face once and gave me a nosebleed. i faked like it hurt so she would feel bad.
4.)she threw me into a dresser(i let her throw me because the fight was getting out of hand and i needed it to end) and i faked to go unconscious. she hit me and threw water on me for a few minutes and then started to feel bad. i layed still for 30 minutes.
5.)i used to beg her alot when we got into fights because i felt like it was the only way to get her to come back.
6.) she told me she was almost raped and was forced to perform oral sex instead. i found out the truth later and it was consensual and then i found out ALL about her past that she lied about and i could never forget about it. She told me she only had 3 boyfriends before and explained to me in detail and then said i was the first one. she only kissed the other 3. then i found out about 4 more boyfriends and a few other hook ups. even at age 13 she was already giving oral sex....
now that i look back it was emotionally abusing her when i brought these things up and called her a slut but i could not get over it and tried to leave her over these things. eventually a friend told me whats in the past is in the past and i should move on and work on a future if i want this relationship to work. i still brought this topic up from time to time.
i was physically abused but i didn't always take it.
it started out small with pushing which i let go, then hitting which i would try to dodge. hitting got really bad and i would restrain her and she would spit on me sometimes. eventually i thought letting her hit me and faking alot of pain would work, since she would see how much she hurt me and would stop. that only worked for that day/instance and she would do it all over again come nighttime or the next day. eventually i would push her back just dominate her and scare the **** out of her telling her to f!ck off. she was scared but still insisted on fighting me physically. we would kick each other off the bed until one of us got tired and i would apologize first and then ask her to apologize. she rarely did. eventually it turned into fights where she would full out hit me and i would push her/restrain her/ smack her hands away/hit her elbows/knees and fists.
i was childish/major afc/ and wrong for staying and hitting her back.
im guessing the end being afc back then is known. i wanted to break off the relationship for months but could never do it for good and this time with her help we finally did it. she found a bf 4 days later.
during the whole relationship my composure outside of the relationship school/clubs/chilling/meeting people was all normal but its after the relationship was over i felt like i time traveled back 7-8 years and lost everything i gained from field experience.
