question 4 mature men: how does it feel 2 become a dad?

[marge s.]

Hi guys,

I have appreciated your advice a while ago. So I'm writing again... this time for a close friend. She and her husband are married for 1 year and just got their first baby. The little girl was born very premature and is a lot of work... I mean A LOT!!!

Her husband has turned out to be not very supportive. He lost his job and apparently stucks in a deep crisis, i.e. doesn't look for work, doesn't help with homework, doesn't help with the Baby (5 months now) only hangs out with his mates. He tries to make my friend feel guilty for not being a good mom and is a crap dad himself.

I know him quite well. He is not a bad guy, a little childish and naive at times but generally ok. At the moment, however, he acts like a complete *******. Since my friend has moved to her parents for a while (she went there because of better health system and to get support from her parents) he seems to go wild. Another friend has seen him picking up girls in a nightclub. He hasn't called my friend for some time now and shows no interest in her or his little daughter.

Now, I'm interested in your bet guys. What's wrong with him??? Have you been in a similiar position? Is it that terrible to become a dad? I have to say that initially he wanted it! Both of them are not that young anymore (around 40) so everyone was quite surprised when she fell pregnant. But he was ok until his girl was born. Does he regret it? Is there anything my friend can do? At the moment my friend goes for: let him run... he'll come back. But as you can imagine, she feels terrible.

marge s.

 

[Latinoman]

Hi guys,

I have appreciated your advice a while ago. So I'm writing again... this time for a close friend. She and her husband are married for 1 year and just got their first baby. The little girl was born very premature and is a lot of work... I mean A LOT!!!

Her husband has turned out to be not very supportive. He lost his job and apparently stucks in a deep crisis, i.e. doesn't look for work, doesn't help with homework, doesn't help with the Baby (5 months now) only hangs out with his mates. He tries to make my friend feel guilty for not being a good mom and is a crap dad himself.

I know him quite well. He is not a bad guy, a little childish and naive at times but generally ok. At the moment, however, he acts like a complete *******. Since my friend has moved to her parents for a while (she went there because of better health system and to get support from her parents) he seems to go wild. Another friend has seen him picking up girls in a nightclub. He hasn't called my friend for some time now and shows no interest in her or his little daughter.

Now, I'm interested in your bet guys. What's wrong with him??? Have you been in a similiar position? Is it that terrible to become a dad? I have to say that initially he wanted it! Both of them are not that young anymore (around 40) so everyone was quite surprised when she fell pregnant. But he was ok until his girl was born. Does he regret it? Is there anything my friend can do? At the moment my friend goes for: let him run... he'll come back. But as you can imagine, she feels terrible.

marge s.

Nobody here can answer those questions. ONLY he can answer them.

I think that's something SHE and I should deal with. And he trying to pick girls is something that could easily be hersay. I would even ignore that comment if I was you.

At the end...it is their business and something they must deal with with the possible help of professionals.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Tragically, 40 years old does not necessarily an adult make these days. Try your best not to think of your model for fatherhood as being what this guy is doing. What party girls do to the reputations of women who legitimately want to raise a family, guys like this do for Men (capital 'M' intentional) who want to be involved fathers.

I was married to my wife for 2 years, we intentionally wanted and planned for a child and I got her pregnant (the fun part), she was born and I've been strongly involved in her life (as well as Mrs. Tomassi) for the last 8 years. In that time I completed my degree, I maintain my career and I'm a semi-professional musician in my leisure time. It's not impossible to have an active social life and be a committed father. Fatherhood is great and I know I'm doing something right when I see her learning at 2 grade levels above her own and she's a happy, fun, straight A student.

For me to analyze "what's wrong with him" I'd need more info. Has he always been immature? Did these 2 marry because she 'fell' pregnant? If the guy lost his job, what did he do before and how long was he employed? If all of this started when their daughter was born, he might be going through a "party's over" mentality now, but I can't make that call without more info.

 

[Bad_Lil'Pixie]

Well, I am not a man, nor am I a parent, but I know of a situation so identical to this one that only the timing is different.

When this little preemie was born did your friend become ONLY a mom?

I know this child needs care 30 hours a day. Did she include her husband in this or choose to do it all herself so it was right? Did she allow him to nurture the child and compliment his fatherhood capabilities or did she only want him only to be the maid and cook of the household? I feel it would be a natural reaction for her to take all the child care herself for special needs child and inadvertantly ignore her husband. He probably felt a little outcast and helpless.

When he lost his job the feeling of helplessness probably became a little overwhelming.

He isn’t a husband anymore, his wife in now a full time mom.
He isn’t the provider, he lost his job.
He isn’t a dad, his wife and other family is taking on that role.
He has become invisible to his wife, his child and even to himself.

Balance is lost in their family and I can only imagine he feels extremely outcast. His mates are offering him some support and allow him to feel like a man again.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not blaming your friend, I am sure she is a very good mom and she is actively caring for this child in some manner 18 hours a day or more. But marriage takes work and balance, right now both of these things seem forgotten.

The only resolve I can think of is:

IF your friend wants him to be a husband, she must be a wife. She is with family now, she can allow them to watch the infant and her and her husband can go on a date or spend some time together as a couple. They had so little time to know each other as husband and wife before the baby came, but they can rekindle what they had and where they were. This is the WORK marriage takes.

If she wants him to be a father, she must relinquish some tasks to him, so what if the diaper isn’t tight enough, if he forgets a bib or doesn’t dress her in the proper outfit. Praise him for doing it anyway. Trust me, the child won’t care how she is dressed. This is the balance.

Balance is so critical in a marriage.

Children, careers, hobbies, etc. can never be placed ahead of the bond of the marriage or relationship, the bond has to be nurtured first in order to be strong.

 

[Latinoman]

By the way...losing a job can change a man's life. Especially if he becomes a "dependant" of his wife.

That might be the root of the problem. More so than the birth of the child.

 

[picard]

How old is the guy? It looks like he is quite young. I know a buddy of mine who used to behave just like him. He is definitely living in denial stage by going out with friends.

He needs family counseling quickly. You should drag him to counselling session because he doesn't feel confident to go by himself.

 

[Latinoman]

How old is the guy? It looks like he is quite young. I know a buddy of mine who used to behave just like him. He is definitely living in denial stage by going out with friends.

He needs family counseling quickly. You should drag him to counselling session because he doesn't feel confident to go by himself.

She said both of them were around 40.

 

[Egoist]

maybe a little off topic, but my bro in law told me this (he is 40+ with 3 kids):

"If you don't want kids in your 20s, don't expect to wake up at 30+ and be like 'WOW, i really want a kid!' - it doesn't happen like that. You just have them because its the way of life, and even if its not your number one goal in life"

I chuckled.

 

[marge s.]

Hello and thanks a lot for your inputs..

I try to answer all questions but have only little time right now...

She is a fulltime mum now. That's right and I think that's part of the problem. I tried to discuss this with her but having a baby, who weight only 900 gr. is a strong argument! She tried to include him in caring for the little girl - but he is reluctant (i.e. a 'sunshine dad', if the girl has full nappies, it's her daughter again). He also knows everything better and doesn't take any advice from her, nurses or doctors. So a couple of little accidents happened (burned her with too hot bathing water and stuff like that). Nothing serious, but enough for my friend to be alert whenever he takes care of his daughter.

He has lost jobs before. He doesn't have very good training and this in combination with his cultural background makes it difficult for him to get half decent jobs (he's arabic). But he has managed before, so there is no reason why it shouldn't work now. He is a quite traditional guy and I know that it is difficult for him to be married to a western woman, who is a top end earner. On the other hand he always enjoyed the lifestyle she could offer him... . Anyway, she is not a stupid girl and has always made clear that she expects something in exchange. It was planned that she'd go back to work soon and he takes care of his daughter for a while. Well, that's not happening!

All this make him sound quite horrible, but in fact he isn't. He has very positive sides to his personality. He is a very caring person. He always was quite protective yet gentle towards her. Now he can get quite nasty and aggressive. He has silly ideas about how the ideal family life should look like and is miiiiiles away from it. That's why I think he stucks in a crisis.. he can't put up with his own ideal.

They didn't marry because she fell pregnant. He asked her to marry him very soon and kept on insisting... They had a lot to deal with on their plates since they've met. So the baby tops a long list. It's silly if he feels unneeded becaus he isn't! She needs him now more than ever before. In fact it's the first time since they've met that she needs him, not the other way round... and he isn't coping very well!

Aaaargh got to run now...

Thanks guys!!!!
marge s.